Category Archives: religion

FEMA Building Mysterious New Arenas In Remote Wilderness Areas

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News has learned that FEMA is complying with an executive order from the White House by constructing dozens of amphitheaters and enclosed arenas in remote areas of the United States.

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FEMA denied reports that it has purchased large numbers of lions from national parks in South Africa and is currently feeding them human flesh to get them used to the taste

According to Sean Hannity, an anonymous source within FEMA told him that the miniature coliseums are being built to house lions, tigers, bears, and other deadly creatures to be used to devour Christians.

“It’s all part of Obama’s plan to turn America into a gay, Marxist, totalitarian regime,” said Hannity on his show last night.”Obama has already completely destroyed our great country seven times since being elected. How long are we going to stand for this?

“It’s only a matter of time before gay socialists will fill these arenas laughing and taunting the pious as they’re torn apart by savage beasts,” railed Hannity as saliva dripped from the corner of his mouth.

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A spokesman for the International Union of Big Cats told CNN that he hopes that the rumors are true. “Nothing is more satisfying than chowing down on a juicy Christian on lazy summer afternoon,” he said.

Although his program was viewed by only a few dozen white retirees in nursing homes across the United States, news of the revelation quickly spread like a pack of diseased Mexican rapists from Hannity’s show to conservative talk radio twits all across America, driving Tea Partiers, Confederate flag supporters, and other dimwits into a state of abject panic.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied the rumor, saying that it was another case of “fear mongering” by folks who don’t know their asses from holes in the ground.

“At this time the president has no intentions of feeding Christians to the lions,” said Earnest at hastily-called press conference in the Rose Garden.

“We’ve currently got too much on our plate with Operation Jade Helm. We just don’t have enough troops to take over Texas, build internment camps under Walmarts, and construct a bunch of coliseums all at the same time. Maybe next year.”

Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin To Hold Seance In Order To Interpret State Constitution

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OKLAHOMA CITY – (CT&P) – Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin (R-of course) has contacted several well-known mediums in an attempt to set up a séance so that she, members of her staff, and key lawmakers can figure out just what the writers of the Oklahoma state constitution meant when they said there should be a separation of church and state.

The action was prompted by last week’s Oklahoma Supreme Court decision mandating the removal of a monument bearing the Ten Commandments from capitol grounds. The 7-2 decision clearly stated that the government should refrain from privileging one religion over others on public property.

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Fallin has obtained the services of the popular medium Edgar Cayce III, great-grandson of the famous early twentieth century psychic, who bore a striking resemblance to Robert McCrary of Clemson University fame.

The judges insisted that the Ten Commandments were clearly uniquely special to a select few faiths, and thus shouldn’t be taking up space on public grounds.

“The Ten Commandments are obviously religious in nature and are an integral part of the Jewish and Christian faiths,” the ruling read.

However, Governor Fallin, who has absolutely no clue how to read a 9th grade history textbook much less interpret a state constitution, has ordered that the monument remain in place until the original framers of the document can be contacted and queried on the subject.

“I think the judges got it wrong here and I think that it’s only fair that we contact the original framers so we can ask them just what the fuck they meant when they said that ‘No public money or property shall ever be appropriated, applied, donated, or used, directly or indirectly, for the use, benefit, or support of any sect, church, denomination, or system of religion, or for the use, benefit, or support of any priest, preacher, minister, or other religious teacher or dignitary, or sectarian institution as such,'” said Fallin.

“I mean, I can’t begin to understand all that crazy legalese, can you?”

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Christians from all over Oklahoma have converged on the capital to form a human wall around the monument to prevent it from being removed.

The governor first wants to contact the president of the 1907 Constitutional Convention William H. Murray and then his secretary John McClain Young. Governor Fallin is not in the least deterred by the fact that both men have been dead for decades.

“If these mediums are worth a shit, we’ll get in touch with these guys and get to the bottom of this,” said Fallin, who usually abides by court decisions when they agree with her faith. “We won’t let Oklahoma be turned into a vast wasteland like the rest of America just because a few judges tell us it’s the right thing to do.”

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If the séance fails, Governor Fallin plans to seek the services of Dr. Tyrone Biggums, a witch doctor from Zambia who specializes in constitutional law.

Fallin told CNN that if the mediums fail to make contact she has a backup plan to call in a witch doctor from Zambia to interpret the more complicated sections of the document so everyone would be clear on its meaning.

Fallin said she wanted the controversy put to bed once and for all so that Oklahoma could support Christianity at the expense of all other religions, which she considers blasphemous contracts with Satan.

The statue, which was erected in 2012, has stoked controversy since its inception. When initial efforts to remove it proved unsuccessful a man damaged the statue by slamming into it with a car, claiming that Satan told him to destroy it and urinate on the broken remains. Despite protests, the foul-smelling,  urine-stained billboard for Moses was patched back together and re-erected.

Lucien Greaves, leader of the Satanic Temple, told CNN that depending on the outcome of the seance his group may go ahead with plans to erect a sculpture of a Baphomet, a goat-headed deity often used to represent Satan, on statehouse grounds. The group — which is more closely tied to secular humanism than religious Satanism, had put their plans on hold after the supreme court decision, but Greaves said that “This governor is so dumb and pig-headed that we might just have to put good ole Bahpomet right next to the Ten Commandments in the interest of fair play.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

FBI Says Geller Never In Any Real Danger

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medusa3

BOSTON – (CT&P) – Officials revealed this week that the Islamic State terror group has a foothold in all 50 states as it continues to target disaffected Americans through its torrent of online propaganda and slick videos of barbaric beheadings and mutilations.

The stark warning comes days after ISIS-inspired gunman Saif Rezgui unleashed horror on at a Tunisian beach resort, killing 39 vacationers and wounding dozens more. 

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At one time Ms Geller was fairly attractive but that was before her hair was mysteriously transformed into a seething mass of pit vipers.

The FBI has reportedly set up command centers in each of its 56 field offices in case extremists try to mark the July 4 weekend by unleashing similar carnage here in the U.S. American ISIS ‘recruits’ to date have included schoolgirls, a young nurse, a homophobic bakery manager and part-time florist and even a National Guard soldier who hatched a plan to gun down 120 of his own colleagues. 

FBI agents have made at least 30 arrests on US soil this year as they try to combat the murderous reach of ISIS and its batshit crazy religious kook followers.

Some have conspired to travel or send friends abroad to link up with fundamentalist fighters while others have plotted jihad here in the US – with Capitol Hill among the targets for a foiled bombing raid.

Gunmen Elton Simpson, 30, and Nadir Soofi, 34, came perilously close on May 4 when they were shot dead while trying to storm a controversial ‘Draw Mohammed’ event in Garland, Texas.

Another young fanatic, Usaamah Rahim, 26, was killed last month as he lunged at police with a knife in Boston’s Roslindale neighborhood. He was allegedly plotting to decapitate controversial anti-Islam activist Pamela Geller, the organizer of the same controversial Texas event.

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Americans are split on whether it would be best to adopt sharia law or live in a world where people like Geller are in charge.

However, Special Agent Efrem Zimbalist III of the FBI’s Boston field office told CNN today that Geller really never had to worry about Rahim.

“Ms Geller was never in any real danger from Rahim,” said Zimbalist. “To get close enough to cut her head off Rahim would have had to look at her face, and he would have been instantly turned to stone, thus stopping the attack in its tracks.

“For example, the last Islamic State sniper that took aim at Ms Geller was found on a rooftop 300 yards from her home while still holding his 30.06. He had been transformed into a granite statue. I think the plan is to place him on the National Mall so he can serve as a reminder as to what happens when these fucked up kooks try to take out someone as obnoxious as Ms Geller.

No one really knows why Geller’s face has such an extreme effect on people who view her up close, but scientists postulate that the burning hatred she has of anything non-Geller may have something to do with it.

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Only last week Omar Abdul Sahib Skyhook was turned into granite while trying to remove Ms Geller’s head with a hatchet during a dinner party in Manhattan.

The phenomenon first came to light in 2007, when her husband Michael Oshry, a used car dealer specializing in organized crime, was found dead in their home. The official story was he had died of a heart attack but anonymous sources told Fox News that he had been turned into an igneous rock formation while taking a shower.

“We’re more concerned with someone using explosives against Ms Geller,” said Zimbalist. “The bitch is just too noxious for anyone to actually get close enough to use any hand-held weapons against her.”

Zimbalist said that more arrests may be made over the holiday weekend, and advised U.S. citizens to exercise “extreme caution” as they go about their business consuming pork products and watching things explode.

Miss Muslima 2014 Vaporized In Mosul

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MOSUL – (CT&P) – Miss Muslima 2014, Fatma Ben Guefrache of Tunisia, was turned into a red mist over the weekend while modeling the latest styles of suicide vests for ISIS jihadis on leave in Mosul.

The model, housewife, and some time sex slave was in Mosul as part of the Annual Suicide and Car Bomb Expo sponsored by the Mosul Chamber of Commerce at the behest of the Islamic State.

A spokesman for the chamber of commerce told Al Jajeera that everyone regretted the unfortunate “wardrobe malfunction” that resulted in over 27 deaths, including that of the model.

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Miss Muslima was modeling some of the most popular new models of fall suicide wear in preparation for the new campaign.

“We’re really sorry this happened,” said Omar Abdullah Assad Skyhook.

“We had hoped to use Miss Guefrache’s good looks to infiltrate a United Nations meeting in New York or the NATO headquarters building in Brussels. This was a waste of good material, and we lost some very promising young recruits in the bargain.
“Everyone knows we don’t value human life, least of all women, but I can assure you that the wardrobe manager will be severely reprimanded for putting live explosives in the vest.”

A memorial service for Guefrache is scheduled for Wednesday at Our Lady of the Headless Infidel Mosque in Tikrit. The few remaining parts of Miss Guefrache will be washed and buried on Thursday somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

America In Ruins; Christians To Be Interned Next Week

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The United States was destroyed once again last week, marking the 9th time the country has been completely obliterated since Obama was first elected president.

Our once proud nation now stands in ruins after two supreme court rulings, one guaranteeing health care to the poor, and another assuring marriage equality for all our citizens. The rulings have had the effect predicted by so many religious kooks across country; cities are burning, livestock are running off cliffs, there has been a complete breakdown of social order with riots in every major American city, and dogs and cats are sleeping together.

The anti-Christ socialist Muslim dictator masquerading as president hailed the two decisions as “another step toward the complete destruction of mankind” that he has sought since first being elected in 2008.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told the White House press corps this morning that the decisions and the resulting chaos is giving the administration the opportunity to round-up troublesome minority groups so they can be “dealt with” at some future date.

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Christians are reported to be fleeing to Mexico by the tens of thousands in order to escape a country where poor people are provided health care and marriage equality is the law of the land.

“The president has ordered the military to detain anyone self-identifying as a Christian,” said Earnest. “Over the next week or so these people will be escorted to the secret internment camps we’ve been building under every Walmart Supercenter across the United States. They will be given the choice of attending re-education facilities in the desert or they can choose to be resettled in the homes of a new generation of liberal socialist gay couples and spend the rest of their lives as powerless house servants.”

“We’ve asked the NSA to gather information about anyone who has ever attended church so we can assess what we need to do about the huge mass of people who formerly called themselves Christians but now suddenly don’t have the courage of their convictions.”

Reaction to the announcements has come quickly as tens of thousands of Americans are pouring across the Mexican border seeking the protection of the Mexican government and the Catholic Church.

Mike Huckabee, former minister, former presidential candidate, and current wingnut was asked to comment as he boarded a flight in Little Rock bound for South America.

“Just as I predicted, America is over,” said a nervous Huckabee, as he glanced around the terminal in fear.

“Christians are just not used to seeing this level of compassion and empathy in their government. We’ve lived in fear of this day for decades. Everyone knows the government is not supposed to follow the teachings of the New Testament! Our only hope is that this is the beginning of the End Times when Jesus comes back and slaughters all the non-believers and leaves the entire earth a smoking ruins. Now I have to haul ass. God bless and good luck.”

 

Religious Right Hospitalized After Choking On Compassion And Equality

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Mr. Religious Right has been hospitalized in the nation’s capital today after a week-long assault by liberal thugs on the side of hope, compassion, and equal treatment under the law. Physicians say his condition is stable and are confident that he will pull through.

“Mr. Right is a resilient soul who has had to make adjustments in the past when it became apparent that his Neanderthal views on women’s suffrage, civil rights, and interracial marriage were about as popular as a turd in a punch bowl,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of George Washington Hospital, who is caring for the stricken Right.

“So we think that Mr. Right will eventually come around and join the majority of people in the country who are actually fine and decent human beings.”

The attacks on Right came hot and heavy throughout the week, with the removal of his beloved Confederate battle flag from state capitals and two supreme court decisions regarding health care for the less fortunate and marriage equality for all citizens being shoved into the yawning chasm of his mouth and down into his esophagus.

Dr. Lizardo told reporters that he was unsure how long Mr. Right was deprived of oxygen, but he felt that there was little damage done to Right’s brain.

“His brain is actually more similar to that of a reptile than a human being,” said Lizardo, “and we all know that many reptiles can go a long time without fresh air. So, I think he’ll be OK in the long run and go on to lead a somewhat normal life, albeit in the shadows of a more progressive and enlightened society.”

Mrs. Religious Right has been at Mr. Right’s bedside since he was admitted to the hospital, but she has declined to speak with reporters because she knows she was put on earth to be a helpmate to her husband and keep her mouth shut, which is why she was unaffected by the tsunami of good news this week.

Satan Delighted With Supreme Court Ruling

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satanhappppy

THE RIVER STYX – (CT&P) – According to sources close to Satan, the Lord of the Underworld is absolutely delighted with the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize gay marriage in all 50 states.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters this afternoon that “His Majesty could not be happier. He hasn’t quit smiling since the decision was announced. In fact, he’s given all us demons three days off in order to celebrate.

“I honestly can’t remember Lucifer being this happy since the Spanish Inquisition. I mean, he just sat there and laughed his ass off when all those hypocritical religious kooks on the right starting Tweeting their responses. He thought it was a riot.”

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Former Pastor Fred Phelps, seen here having a pineapple inserted into his rectum, is to be the guest of honor at a party in Hades tonight.

When Balthazar was asked what Beelzebub’s immediate plans were in light of the decision, the press  secretary explained that it would really just be more of the same.

“We plan to send some extra demons up to possess some more religious and political figures so we can give people like Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee a hand spewing their hate filled rhetoric, and we also want to encourage self-righteous assholes like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson to keep up the good work!”

When a reporter asked if Satan had any plans to try to capture right-wing Christian souls and drag them down to Hell, Balthazar said “Are you kidding, they’re already doing such a great job damning themselves I really don’t see how we could make things any better.”

Balthazar said that “The Boss” was so damn happy that he’s throwing a party tonight and the guest of honor will be former Pastor Fred Phelps.

“Rumor has it that we’re all going to get a turn ramming a red-hot poker up his ass,” said Balthazar. “I can’t wait.”

KKK Campaign Fails To Meet Recruitment Goals

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kkkrally

CHARLOTTE – (CT&P) – Ku Klux Klan officials held a press conference this morning to express their disappointment with the low numbers of young people signing up to join the organization during their latest recruiting drive, currently going on across the Bible Belt and for some weird reason in California as well.

The presser took place inside an abandoned Duke Energy toxic coal ash dumping site along a formerly pristine river in Pelham, North Carolina. Apparently it was the only location in which the officials felt safe enough to talk to the media.

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KKK officials are at a loss to explain why they can’t recruit more young people to participate in horrific hate-filled programs such as the Black Church Immolation Jamboree and their Summer Genocide Camp for high school students.

“We just don’t understand the anemic response,” said Billy Joe Polyp, Grand Imperial Anus of the South Carolina Chapter. “We took great pains to put gluten-free candy in with all our flyers we distributed under the cover of darkness over the last few nights. We thought for sure that the candy would overcome young people’s nausea and disgust with what we actually had to say in our propaganda. It’s a real mystery.”

The propaganda, stuffed into plastic baggies with pieces of peppermint and Tootsie Rolls and hurled onto people’s lawns during the early morning hours, included a phone number for the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan. The fliers were distributed in California, Kansas, Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.

It’s not something local police departments are taking lightly, and some have even reached out to the FBI for assistance. The Rockdale County sheriff’s department in Conyers, Georgia collected more than 80 fliers and is investigating whether anyone can be charged with criminal trespass or littering.

“Whether it was a joke or from an organization doesn’t matter to me,” Sheriff Eric Levett told The Daily Beast. “The fact that it was done during this time is ignorant and cowardly. We take this seriously and I’ve even ordered that we curtail some of our dog-killing patrols in order to work on this problem.”

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Robert “Asswipe” Jones, Imperial Buttplug of the Royal White Numbnuts of North Carolina, told CNN that he was “damn proud” of Dylann Roof for standing up for fucked up morons all over the country.

A message on the hate-spewing hotline, based in North Carolina, salutes 21-year-old Dylann Roof, who was charged with murder for the killing nine people in Charleston. Roof penned a incoherent racist manifesto before the June 17 mass shooting and wanted to start a “race war.”

“We in the Loyal White Knights of the KKK would like to say hail victory to … Dylan S. Roof who decided to do what the Bible told him,” a man chirps in the recording. “Jesus is on our side! Why, he even wore a sheet! An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. They [black people] have spilled our blood too long. It’s about time someone spilled theirs.”

“If it ain’t white, it ain’t right,” the message concludes. “White power!”

Robert “Asswipe” Jones, of the Royal White Numbnuts in North Carolina, told The Daily Beast that the Klan is undergoing a national recruitment drive that coincidentally started around the time of the South Carolina murders.

“We’re doing this from the East Coast to the West Coast, just to let people know that the Klan, like a cancerous tumor that just won’t go away, is still in their community,” said Jones, the grand dickhead of the hate group based in Pelham, N.C. “Especially with all the stuff that’s in the news—in South Carolina they’re wanting to take the confederate flag down.”

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KKK officials postulated that the demographic they are targeting is too heavily involved in Tea Party politics to join the Klan at this time.

Jones told The Daily Beast that he supports Roof’s crime, but preferred that he “shot the correct people,” such as minority drug dealers rather than churchgoers.

“It’s a racial war against our people,” Jones said. “The more the media pushes modern and progressive ideas down our throat, the more you’re going to see killings like this.”

Although the KKK leaders remain disappointed with the results of the recruiting drive up to now, they plan to redouble their efforts in the weeks to come.

“We don’t give up our archaic, savage, and inhuman beliefs very easily,” said Jones, as he removed a tick from his scrotum. “We think that maybe our target demographic is too heavily involved in Tea Party politics at this time to spend time with us burning down black churches and intimidating people who didn’t just walk out of the Middle Ages. But we ain’t gonna let that discourage us. The South will rise again and so will the Klan, just like a painful pus-filled boil on the ass of America!”

 

War On Christianity Heats Up

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Dylan-Storm-Roof

CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – The tragic attack on a black church in Charleston has captured the nation’s attention as many of our nation’s politicians, media figures, and other idiots try to make some sense of the event.

It was initially reported that Dylan Roof acted out of some weak-minded belief that black folks were inferior and although greatly outnumbered by whites were still somehow taking over the fucking country and raping our fine, pristine, virginal white women.

This crazy conclusion was supposedly backed up by Roof’s “manifesto,” his Facebook page, and comments that he made while perpetrating the vile act.

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Any idiot who studies the facts can tell that Christianity is threatened in the United States. Roof represents the tip of the spear of an all-out attack on religion that threatens the very foundations of our great country.

Thankfully the brain trust at Fox News, with help from some of our political intellectual elites has proved this theory wrong by means of ironclad logic and an ability to see through the liberal media’s interpretation and get at the truth.

It turns out Roof’s real motivation was to destroy Christianity once and for all while it’s on its knees after the successful attempts by liberals, gays, Muslims, secular Jews, and other “unsaved trash” to ban all public displays of Christianity, like those we used to be familiar with around Christmas and Easter.

As we all know Christianity is under attack in this country, and it’s only a matter of time before the mere mention of Jesus will get you a ten-year prison sentence.

Roof appears to have been an early convert to this anti-Jesus movement and in an inspired move sought to mask his real intent by wearing the flags of bigotry and encouraging a “race war.”

“It’s rare we run across a kid with this level of sophistication,” said presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Roof represents the vanguard of the anti-Christian movement that will cause an asteroid strike on the United States. Mark my words!”

Fox News couch tumors Steve Doofus and Brian Killmeplease were quick to agree with Huckabee and others who make no fucking sense whatsoever like Rick Sanitarium.

“The race thing is just a red herring,” said Doofus, as he stared dully into the monitor during Fox and Friends, a show so repugnant that even the uneducated miscreants that watch it on a regular basis are continually amazed.

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Without the fine investigative work done by the Fox News team, no one would have ever known about the mass killings of Christians going on all over the Bible Belt.

“This is clearly a case of Christianity under attack. After all, it did happen in a church.”

Although Doofus and right-wing politicians were able to get to the heart of the matter and uncover the real reasons for the attack, they offered little in the way of solutions to the problem.

“Christianity has been so oppressed in recent years that I really see no hope for any kind of rebound,” said Sanitarium. “There are so few of us left that we have very little influence. I’m afraid that we are doomed to live in a secular country that follows the dictates of Satan by providing health care to the poor, legalizes gay marriage, raises taxes on the ultra rich, and offers equal rights to people who are not white. Jesus would be beside himself! I think our only hope is to hold out until he returns and obliterates mankind in an orgy of bloodletting.”

Huckabee in his wisdom did offer some hope to reduce the number of mass killings in the United States. He is organizing a group to push for a bill banning the name Dylann, Dylan, or any other variation of the name for newborn males, because he said the name was obviously cursed by God and any kid given that particular handle was bound to grow up into a “crazy-ass” mass murderer.

Al Jazeera’s Fall Lineup Sure To Be A Big Hit With Arabs Who Are Still Allowed To Watch TV

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DOHA, QATAR – (CT&P) – Corporate executives from Al Jazeera announced their fall lineup of reality shows last week at a press conference overseen by a squad of imams and other experts on the fucked up system of archaic rules and regulations known as sharia law.

The lineup includes some innovative and progressive shows that make a bold departure from the usual programming of beheadings, immolations, and riots protesting the existence of Israel and the “Great Satan.”

“We think that our fall lineup will be a big hit with Arabs who live in areas that are not seething masses of perpetual  religious hatred,” said Ahib Skyhook, vice president of content for the network.

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Al Jazeera hopes to pump up its ratings by offering something new rather than the continuous rounds of torture and executions. “That’s so last year,” said Skyhook.

“In those countries that have not been decimated by civil war and sectarian violence, the shows will be a welcome respite from the constant feeling of impending doom caused by our adherence to a religion that makes about as much sense as Mormonism or Scientology.

“We look forward to excellent ratings in those territories where people are actually allowed to view television broadcast without fear of being stoned to death.”

Skyhook didn’t reveal the entire lineup, because he said that Muslims love surprises almost as much as they love car bombs. However, he did give us a glimpse of what to expect:

Real Housewives of the Gaza Strip-Follow the fun as Palestinian housewives try desperately to find enough food and water to sustain their families while dodging Israeli cluster munitions and horny Hamas soldiers bent on having good time.

Sex Slaves Gone Wild-Airhead female recruits from Europe give ISIS militants a taste of western culture.

Fully Clothed and Terrified-Each week a man and woman are dropped off in no man’s land along the Syrian border with Iraq and are asked to survive for three days while avoiding bloodthirsty militias, deadly scorpions, and Allied air attacks.

Stupid Kurd Tricks-Mayhem ensues when wild and crazy Kurds balance on speeding SUV’s and do somersaults on angry camels.

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Goat Dynasty will offer an intimate look inside the lives of ignorant Arab rednecks as they have sex with animals and preach the gospel of Muhammad.

Dead Sea Shore–Brain dead young people from the deep desert raise hell in expensive beach resorts.

Dancing with Death-Celebrity contestants perform live dance routines in minefields along the Golan Heights.

Pimp My Burqa-A spin-off of the wildly popular Pimp My Camel. Oppressed women get to spruce up their heavy black garments with sequins and extra-large eye holes.

The Good Harem–A bevy of gorgeous concubines deal with a life full of existential threats.

 19 Wives and Counting-A henpecked oil sheik tries to keep the peace in a 200 room palace.

Goat Dynasty–Illiterate shepherds try to sell milk and cheese on the street why extolling the virtues of jihad.

Syria’s Got Talent-Contestants compete in a variety of tasks including bomb-making, sniping, and sewing stylish suicide vests.

Deadliest Snatch-Militiamen take their chances with hookers in Tikrit who have been infected by the CIA.

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Pimp my Burqa is a spin-off of the popular Jordanian show Pimp My Camel.

So You Think You’re a Killer–Raw ISIS recruits prove their value by using bayonets on infants and gay people.

Survivor Mosul–Surrounded and out of supplies, terrorists must live by their wits as Iranian militiamen close in.

The Jihadi Bachelorette–A beautiful and bloodthirsty bitch chooses from a group of lice ridden Neanderthal throwbacks who haven’t washed in weeks.

The Apprentice Bomb Maker–A beginner tries to retain his hands while working with sweating sticks of TNT.

The Amazing Race For Your Fucking Life–Syrian refugees battle heat, dehydration, and Allied drones while trying to escape to Turkey.

Bad Concubine’s Club-Misbehaving mistresses wreak havoc all over the desert.

These are just some of the exciting shows that Al Jazeera has on tap for the fall.

Skyhook told CNN that the network feels confident about their success, so long as no one sets off a nuke during Ramadan and ruins the fun for everyone.