Category Archives: Uncategorized

Ben Carson Exchanges Soul For Seat In Trump Cabinet

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Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson makes a face during a speech at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO) convention in Las Vegas, Nevada June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Steve Marcus - RTX1GZ5C

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, presidential candidate, and person with a good reputation Dr. Ben Carson unwittingly traded his soul for a seat in Donald’s Trump’s cabinet yesterday when he endorsed the insecure fascist lunatic for President of the United States.

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Biblical scholars were quick to point out that Carson was probably visited by Satan himself and he just mistook him for a messenger from God. “Now Carson will more than likely spend eternity in Hell,” said one bishop. “Republicans make this mistake all the time.”

Carson told a reporter “I prayed about it a lot, and I got a lot of indications, people calling me that I haven’t talked to for a long time saying, ‘I had this dream about you and Donald Trump’ — I mean, just amazing things…”

Carson said that a friend he had not talked to since he performed brain surgery on him called and told him that he had a dream about Carson, Trump, and a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman eating Trump steaks in the White House.

Carson immediately interpreted the dream using the Holy Scriptures as a guide, and determined that he was meant to serve in a future Trump administration.

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Carson is expected to be put in charge of the planned ‘Ministry of Silly Walks’ should Trump be elected president. “We can’t afford to put that idiot in a position where he has to make important decisions,” chuckled Trump.

He also said that he while sleepwalking through a wooded area over five miles from his home, he suddenly woke up and saw stars in the sky. “That was a clear indication from God that I needed to endorse a guy who has no love or respect for anyone but himself,” said Carson, as he tried his best to keep his eyes open.

Carson said that the real clincher was when Joseph, disguised as Lucifer dressed in a Technicolor jacket, came to him in a dream and told him to endorse Trump. Later in the dream Joseph gave him plans for nuclear pyramids that would power the United States forever and ever and ever.

“I knew then what I had to do,” said Carson.

 

Trump praised the decision and told Carson how much he appreciated the endorsement despite having previously called him a “Somnambulant religious kook with pathological tendencies who would be a danger to himself and everyone around him if he could stay awake long enough to do any damage.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Playoff Picture Muddled As Team Muslim Struggles To Qualify

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SAN BERNARDINO – (CT&P) – The Mass Shooting Playoff picture remains confused as perennial favorite Team Muslim continues to struggle.

Although Team Muslim tried to mount a late season comeback this week, the dominant White Protestant Conference teams are way out in front.

As of today, only three teams have qualified for the post-season, which kicks off on January 1st.

Deranged White Christians holds a commanding lead and is expected to enter the playoffs in the top spot, thus enjoying home field advantage throughout.

Neo-Confederate Assholes currently holds the number two slot, but Pro-Life Religious Kooks is nipping at its heels, and has shown promise in recent weeks.

Wacked-Out Motorized Black Folks, an east coast team that put in a strong showing a few years back, has basically been a no-show this season.

With only three domestic teams qualifying so far, the tournament’s sponsor, the NRA, is looking at bringing in a foreign team, a move that is sure to rile Americans’ sense of pride.

“We certainly don’t want to have to bring in a team that our fans aren’t familiar with, but if Team Muslim can’t get its body count up, or if we don’t see a late surge from a team like Insecure White Cops or Team Mafia, well then we’ll have to bring in Drug Kingpin State or some other team from Mexico or Central America,” said Wayne LaPierre, who runs the tournament for the NRA.

“We even thought of granting a new franchise to Syrian refugees entering the country by arming them to the teeth with automatic weapons and explosives, but our executive board determined that widows and orphans fleeing a war zone could just not make up enough ground in time to make the post-season.

“We’re planning on making one last-ditch effort to get an American team in the fourth slot by blocking all common-sense gun control laws while conducting a huge assault weapon and RPG giveaway just before Christmas, but I’m not holding my breath.”

Deranged White Christians has been ranked number one from wire to wire this year and Vegas oddsmakers have made the team a prohibitive favorite to win it all.

 

God Withdraws Support For Carson Campaign

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ROME – (CT&P) – At a press conference just outside the Vatican this morning God announced that he would be withdrawing his support for the Carson Campaign effective immediately.

God told reporters that after reviewing Dr. Carson’s statements regarding a variety of issues he could no longer support the retired neurosurgeon for the GOP nomination.

“In the end it was really not a hard decision,” said God. “This guy does not know his ass from a hole in the ground on most subjects, and he’s clueless when it comes to foreign policy. He would be an absolute disaster as president.

“At first I thought because he was a neurosurgeon he would be a smart dude, capable of making the hard the decisions a president has to make every day,” said the Creator of the Universe. “But I’m surprised this guy can wipe his own ass. I mean he is dumb! It just goes to show you that you don’t have to be some kind of genius to crack a head open,” chuckled the omniscient deity.

The American public apparently agrees with God’s assessment as Carson has been steadily slipping in the polls lately. Most pundits attribute the slide to the increased attention Carson received when he briefly led the Republican field.

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Most people agree that Dr. Carson is a little touched, just not by God

“The more you look at Ben Carson, the more you see a simple-minded chowderhead incapable of critical thought,” said GOP political consultant Karl Rove. “Hillary would chew him up and spit him out like a plug of tobacco.”

When a reporter from CNN informed him of God’s decision, Carson accused him of being part of a liberal media conspiracy inspired by Satan.

“All you guys are just out to get me,” whispered a rapidly blinking Carson, as he twirled his hands in semi circles.

“I feel the fingers of God gently touching me telling me I’ll be President someday.”

When journalists contacted God for a response, he denied he had ever touched Carson gently or otherwise.

“I never fingered Dr. Carson in any way whatsoever,” said Jehovah. “What do you think I am, some sort of pervert? I’ve never touched the son of a bitch in my life. He’s out of his small mind.”

 

 

Will Muschamp Leaves Auburn To Seek GOP Nomination

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AUBURN – (CT&P) – Defensive coordinator Will Muschamp has announced that he will be resigning his post at Auburn in order to seek the GOP nomination for president.

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Muschamp proved he was just as crazy as any GOP candidate when he lost his fucking mind in the fourth quarter of last night’s game

The announcement was made this morning at a press conference at what was left of Jordan-Hare Stadium after Alabama running back and Heisman shoe-in Derrick Henry laid waste to it last night.

“I feel the time is right for a run for president,” said Muschamp, as drool flowed out of the corner of his mouth. “The country needs a violent madman to lead it back to greatness, and I’m just the guy who can get it done!”

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There was a general feeling of relief among Auburn players after they were told of Muschamp’s decision

Reince Priebus, head of the RNC, applauded the move.

“I think Muschamp will do very well in what is already a crowded field of unstable simpletons with anger issues,” said Priebus. “We welcome any candidate who is willing to go batshit crazy on national television. It really helps us shore up our psychotic base.”

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Auburn Head Coach Gus Malzahn spoke to reporters while out shopping for a new “Gus Bus”

Auburn Head Coach Gus Malzahn, who was reached for comment as he searched Montgomery used car dealerships for a new school bus, told ESPN that he really did not care what Muschamp did.

“I really don’t give a damn what the idiot decides to do,” said Malzahn. “I think the last shred of his sanity left the field on Derrick Henry’s cleats.”

Malzahn told reporters that a he would start scouring nearby prisons and mental institutions for a new defensive coordinator on Monday.

 

 

 

Carson To Visit Refugees In Jordan

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AMMAN – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and simpleton Dr. Ben Carson is visiting Jordan today in an attempt boost his foreign policy chops and prove to people he knows where it is, according to a spokesman within the Carson Campaign.

“I find when you have firsthand knowledge of things as opposed to secondhand, thirdhand, or fourteenth hand, it makes a much stronger impression,” Mr. Carson said in an interview before his departure, planned for late Thanksgiving Day on a charter aircraft.

“That’s why I never read any books other than the Bible. You just can’t be sure that anyone who writes something down knows what they are talking about. It’s much better to visit places, force your eyes open with toothpicks, and look around for yourself.”

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Dr. Carson is expected to highlight the plight of refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a veterinary hospital. He is bringing dog biscuits and chew toys to distribute to the puppies.

Although aides to Dr. Carson said that the visit to Jordan was his idea, rumors persist that he was asked to go by the CIA as part of a plan to confuse our enemies in the Middle East.

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Carson’s Secret Service detail will make the trip with him in order to protect him from terrorists hiding within the crowds of desperate refugees

“Our intelligence services feel that if Carson roams around the Middle East making incoherent speeches and whispering weird shit about the pyramids, ISIS and other terrorist groups will make the assumption that they have already won and quit trying to kill us,” said Mike Morell, former deputy director of the CIA.

“The idea is, once our enemies see how inept and ignorant our presidential candidates are, they’ll assume we are already on the road to ruin and they’ll redirect their effort to other targets.”

Dr. Carson is expected to wander around aimlessly in the Middle East for a few days before returning to make idiotic statements back here at home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a clinic and a hospital. He is bringing soccer balls and Beanie Babies to distribute to children.

 

Despicable Asshole Gains Support In Iowa

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and despicable asshole Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is vaulting into the Iowa caucus’ first tier of Republican candidates, a survey released Tuesday suggests.

A new Quinnipiac University poll shows despicable asshole Cruz taking 23 percent to pompous ass racist Donald Trump’s 25 percent among likely GOP caucus-goers. Former neurosurgeon, lunatic, and dunce Ben Carson and man-child credit risk Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) stand at 18 percent and 13 percent respectively, with the field’s 10 other asshole candidates all polling at or below 5 percent.

Cruz’s support has risen 13 points since Quinnipiac’s survey of the race last month, mostly at the expense of Dr. Ben Carson, who has steadily lost support nationwide as he continues to make it abundantly clear that he has no idea what the fuck he is doing outside an operating theater.

Cruz, known to his congressional colleagues as “Turd” or “that giant asshole,” has gone full bore Nazi in order to pick up as many evangelical supporters as he can in Iowa and across the United States.

 

However, if he wins the GOP nomination, Cruz will have to do it without the support of his fellow GOP senators, who consider him to be the most despicable asshole who has ever entered politics.

 

“I consider Ted to be a dirty, filthy, despicable asshole,” said Senator John McCain, when asked about Cruz’s character.

“I wouldn’t piss on Ted Cruz if were on fire,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. “He’s a putrid, festering, despicable asshole.”

Many members of the U.S. House of representatives feel the same way about Cruz.

In fact, former Speaker John Boehner once described Cruz as a “moldy, decomposing, rancid, unscrupulous, dishonest, despicable asshole.”

“The man is a walking hemorrhoid,” said Boehner.

Regardless of how his fellow politicians and most of the free world feels about Cruz, it is apparent that the Republican base in Iowa, which is heavily evangelical, thinks he just peachy.

Political pundits postulate that this is because they have been desensitized to despicable assholes after having been exposed to Representative Steve King (R-IA), a 24 karat asshole, for so many years.

 

Belgium Unable To Find Its Ass With Both Hands

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Belgian soldiers patrol in central Brussels as police searched the area during a continued high level of security following the recent deadly Paris attacks

 

BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Belgian security forces have been unable to locate Belgium’s ass despite days of searches and dozens of raids on likely targets throughout the country, according to Prime Minister Charles Michel.

“We know our ass is around here somewhere, but we just can’t find it,” said Michel at a press conference this morning.

“I want to assure the Belgian people and citizens of the world that this does not mean that Belgian security is lax or that our intelligence services are in any way incompetent. It’s just that we can’t seem to find anything that might lead us to the current location of our own ass.”

Despite offers from French and U.S. intelligence services to help Belgium find its ass, Prime Minister Michel insists that Belgium can do it on its own.

“We don’t need anyone poking around Belgium looking for our ass. We’re perfectly capable of finding it on our own,” said the exasperated PM.

Scientists Confirm Limbaugh Slowly Morphing Into Giant Cane Toad

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MIAMI, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Researchers at the Banzai Institute have confirmed that conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh is slowly changing into a gigantic cane toad, or Rhinella marina.

“There’s no doubt about it,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, leader of the research team, “we analyzed tissue samples from Mr. Limbaugh, and he is definitely undergoing a metamorphosis into a colossal toad.”

Cane toads are giant neotropical toads native to Central and South America, but have been introduced into other parts of the world and are considered one of the most destructive invasive species on earth. Australia in particular has an immense cane toad problem.

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Rumors began circulating about Limbaugh’s health after he ordered a platter of live field mice in a five-star Miami restaurant just before Christmas.

“You can’t imagine how evil these little blokes are,” said Dr. Bruce Bruce from Humpybong University in Queensland. “They’re full of venom that kills just about anything that eats them, and they reproduce like rabbits. Hell, even the crocs know better than to fuck with them. They’re taking over the entire country!”

Professor Hikita told CNN that it makes perfect sense that Limbaugh is starting to resemble a cane toad, because he’s been spewing a very similar venom on the radio for so long.

“Limbaugh has shown that he has an almost endless supply of malevolent venom at his disposal, and it’s almost identical to the milky white bufotoxin secreted by glands on the cane toad,” said Hikita. “We think that Limbaugh has similar glands that collect the toxin from the thick layer of adipose tissue that covers every square inch of Limbaugh’s elephantine body. Then, when he gets in front of a microphone, all that venom is spewed out like a toxic geyser.”

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Limbaugh continues to insist that nothing is wrong with him but those who have seen him lately report that the metamorphosis is quite advanced.

Hikita said that Limbaugh had been warned of his condition on several occasions by his physician that “things weren’t quite right”, and to go through life without an ounce of sympathy for his fellow man was a recipe for disaster, but Limbaugh has steadfastly maintained that nothing is wrong with him.

“It’s not unusual for pompous assholes to have that attitude,” said Hikita. “Just look at Bill O’Reilly. He’s been a horse’s ass so long he’s actually beginning to look like one on television. It’s sad.”

Hikita offered no real solutions for Limbaugh’s dilemma other than euthanasia, which is unlikely. But he warned the citizens of South Florida that a 350 lb cane toad could do serious environmental damage if allowed to escape and wander around the area.

“If you happen to hear him on the radio, the best thing to do is turn the damn thing off before you yourself become infected,” said the professor. “It’s a fate worse than death.”

 

 

Leonid Rogozov removing his own appendix at a Soviet research station in Antarctica; ca. 1961

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Absolutely fascinating……

Miep's avatarI hope to be remembered for my atrocities!

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From September 1960 until October 1962, Rogozov worked in Antarctica, including his role as the sole doctor in a team of thirteen researchers at the Novolazarevskaya Station, which was established in January 1961.

On the morning of 29 April 1961, Rogozov experienced general weakness, nausea, and moderate fever, and later pain in the lower right portion of the abdomen. All possible conservative treatment measures did not help. By 30 April signs of localized peritonitis became apparent, and his condition worsened considerably by the evening. Mirny, the nearest Soviet research station, was more than 1,600 km (1,000 mi) from Novolazarevskaya. Antarctic research stations of other countries did not have an aircraft. Severe blizzard conditions prevented aircraft landing in any case. Rogozov had no option but to perform the operation on himself.

The operation started at 02:00 local time on 1 May with the help of a driver and meteorologist, who were providing instruments and…

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