Category Archives: Uncategorized
Live Long And Prosper
I am so sorry about this, but I forgot how much fun it is to mess with Dick Cheney…
Hunting Accidents Rise As IQs Decline
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As hunting season begins all across America, hundreds of thousands of sexually insecure men with firearms are flooding ever-dwindling wildlife management areas in an effort boost their sagging self esteem by murdering innocent mammals.
Bobby “Buck” Churcheson is president of the North American Even-Toed Ungulate Anti-Defamation League
The resulting chaos is predictable; terrified animals fleeing the dullards firing at anything that moves, an increase in automobile accidents caused by deer crossing busy highways in an effort to escape, and thousands of hunters and non-hunters alike becoming victims of gunshot wounds, many of them fatal.
One wonders what satisfaction these savages derive from inflicting a horrible and painful death upon these poor animals, but at least we can take solace in the fact that more and more hunters are removed from the gene pool each year by their own hands, and that should make the women of America happy, as a small penis and shrunken testicles are not exactly in high demand.
One citizen who is overjoyed by the alarming rise in gunshot fatalities in the U.S. is Bobby “Buck” Churcheson, president of the Even-Toed Ungulate Anti-Defamation League.
“We have been protesting the murder of our fellow ungulates for decades,” said Churcheson. “Ever since it became apparent that these hunter types no longer needed us for food but were just killing us for sport, we have been telling anyone who will listen that what these dim wits need is counseling, not hunting licenses. Anyone who derives pleasure from going out and inflicting pain on a defenseless animal is a truly sick individual.”
Although Churcheson admits that Homo sapiens as a species is undoubtedly the pinnacle of evolution and natural selection, he makes it clear that something is clearly missing from the giant human pre-frontal cortex.
Hunters and firearms enthusiasts are rarely seen playing chess or reading scholarly works. They are clearly in need of some sort of remedial education. Churcheson hopes that a charity can be founded to help them overcome their insecurity and channel their energy into more enlightened pursuits, like wildlife rescue.
“Something went wrong somewhere, that much is obvious,” said Churcheson, as he chewed on some unidentified plant matter.
“You guys run around sawing off each others heads and bombing brown people by the thousands in the name of religion. You have polluted the planet almost to the point of no return, and you treat half of your citizens like dirt. And what’s with this fracking shit? Even a fucking wild hog could tell you that it’s not a good idea to force poison into the earth under high pressure and expect nothing bad to happen. I mean, what are you humans thinking?”
Churcheson does not expect a change in attitudes among most human beings, but he has an optimistic outlook on the future nonetheless.
“You hominids have only been around for few minutes in geologic time. You’ll fade away and go extinct soon enough, and the earth will recover. In the meantime we at the League can only hope that more and more hunters will come to the realization that no matter how many animals they murder in cold blood, their dicks are not going to get any bigger than they already are.”
In Missouri killing Black teens is cool, but abortion isn’t. Maybe have kid, wait till is & 17 then shoot it?
Missouri Enacts 3-Day Waiting Period For Abortion – Although to help desperate pregnant women they do have a practical solution: skip the abortion. Raise the kid till it’s in high school, and then get the cops to shoot it. Currently the Missouri legislature is unclear on whether you can shoot it yourself once it is a teenager. State supreme court should probably clarify…
| By By DAVID A. LIEB
Posted: 09/11/2014 12:40 am EDT Updated: 09/11/2014 2:59 pm EDT
JEFFERSON CITY, Mo. (AP) — Missouri lawmakers enacted one of the nation’s most stringent abortion waiting periods Wednesday, overriding a veto of legislation that will require women to wait 72 hours after consulting with a doctor before ending a pregnancy.
The vote by Missouri’s Republican-led Legislature overrules the veto of Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon, who had denounced the measure as “extreme and disrespectful” toward women because it contains no exception for cases of rape…
View original post 472 more words
Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row
SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.
Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens
Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.
As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.
However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”
The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”
In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst
The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets, “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”
The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.
Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”
Dickerson Signs Non-Aggression Pact With Scorpions
THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held Friday at Billy Bob McSneed’s Barbecue and Assault Weapon Repair in Ducktown, TN., Marvin V. Carolinianus, patriarch of the ruling tribe of scorpions in the area, announced a groundbreaking treaty signed with the owner of Cabin Anthrax, Jerry Dickerson.
The treaty is believed to be the first of its kind signed between a member of Homo sapiens and a family of predatory arthropods.
Our regular readers may remember Dickerson as the founder of the philosophy of “masterly inactivity” made famous by its adoption by the Republican House in 2009. He was not enthusiastic about our 9 AM interview. “I told you fucktards not to show up until after lunch. No one should be made to wake up until after the postman makes his rounds, you idiots!” said Dickerson
Although details have yet to be published, Dickerson outlined the basics for our ace reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker.
“Well, Bruce, after a long and exhausting guerrilla war I think both sides were ready for a truce. The agreement calls for a halt to the hit-and-run tactics practiced by the scorpions that interfered with my nocturnal trips to the bathroom and the cabinet in the kitchen where I store the fig newtons,” said Dickerson. “For weeks I never knew when one of those little dudes would rush out from under the oven and sting the shit out of one of my petite and attractive feet.”
“In return, I have promised to allow the little guys free rein to run around the cabin and eat all the spiders, centipedes, and insects that their little hearts desire. But more importantly, I agreed to stop deporting the illegal young scorpions back across the border into the woods around the house. After Marvin told me about the dangerous conditions in the woods and the abject poverty faced by the young scorpions, how could I object?”
Bruce also interviewed Marvin after sunset from the safety of a dark broom closet.
“We think we have negotiated a great deal here,” said Marvin. “Just because we are a different species you egotistical humans should never underrate our ability to haggle. Late one night one of our scout teams climbed one of Dickerson’s bookshelves and were able to determine from his library and his DVD collection that Dickerson was not only an atheist, but a dyed-in-the-wool bleeding heart liberal.”
“We successfully used that bit of intelligence to feed him some cock-and-bull story about how tough it was for us out in the wild. It had the desired effect of making him feel sorry for our young out there in the ‘real world.’ So now not only have the deportations stopped, but we get to run around murdering and devouring helpless insects and those sub-arthropod arachnids! It’s a win-win for us.”
Other arthropod activist groups have shown keen interest in signing their own treaties with humans. Francis “Segmented” Smith, leader of a tribe of assassin bugs, told the A.P. that they are currently negotiating with the Turtletown Gardeners Club.
Bobby Joe “Bulbous” Baxter, president of the Sunburst Diving Beetle Benevolent Association represents a species of strong-swimming Dytiscid beetles that prey on a variety of aquatic animals by tearing them to shreds with their powerful mandibles. “We feel that we are misunderstood by most humans,” said Baxter. “We’d really like to educate people about life in the water and just how tough it is. We’re confident we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement at some point down the line.”
MESSIAH BETRAYED!
Germans Win
Aeronautic Shocker! Drones To Be Used To Do Something Constructive!
NAIROBI (CT&P) – In a remarkable turn of events, drones are apparently going be used to do something other than recruit new terrorists, spot illegal growers of the “Evil Weed,” and incinerate Yemeni wedding parties.
Kenyan government officials have announced that drones will be deployed in all 52 of its national parks in an attempt to monitor and stop poachers from murdering innocent elephants and rhinos.
The announcement came after a pilot drone project was concluded in which poaching was reduced by 96% in an unnamed protected wildlife area.
Paul Udoto, spokesman for the Kenya Wildlife Service, said: “Use of drones has shown that we can prevent poaching and arrest many poachers in their tracks. The pilot project has been a success and we are working with many partners including the Kenya police, the National Intelligence Service, and a lot of international partners such as Interpol, and the Ugandan and Tanzanian governments.”
Kenya has lost more than 435 elephants and around 400 rhinos to poachers since 2012, driven by demand for illegal wildlife products by bat shit crazy people in Asia and elsewhere. Poachers have killed 18 rhinos and 51 elephants in 2014 so far.
This is one instance where we at the Times think that no one in their right mind would object to using fully armed drones instead of the surveillance models the Kenyan government is set to employ. Blowing a few poachers to “Kingdom Come” would no doubt go a long way in curbing the urge to go out and make few bucks by using a chain saw to remove a rhino horn and leaving the corpse to be eaten by hyenas. Hellfire missiles can be a great deterrent if the object of the deterrence does not have a mind consumed by religious hatred.
At least the Kenyans have come up with a righteous use of those horrible inventions. Thank God someone on this miserable planet has got the good sense to use technology in a productive way. Maybe the U.S. government should hire some Kenyan bureaucrats to replace those currently on the payroll. Maybe the new employees could use surveillance drones to prevent sheriff’s deputies from murdering family pets. That would be a good start.
Alabama Congressional Candidate Will Brooke Guns Down Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius
MONTGOMERY-Desperate to prop up a sagging campaign, Alabama congressional candidate Will Brooke pumped U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius full of lead late yesterday afternoon. Sabelius miraculously survived the attack and was airlifted to U.A.B. Medical Center in nearby Birmingham. Sabelius had been visiting the campus of Auburn University as part of a tour of southern college campuses in an attempt to get young people to sign up for Obamacare.
Mr. Brooke ambushed Secretary Sabelius as she strolled across a field at the Auburn School of Veterinary Medicine. Sources say
Brooke emptied an entire clip from his AR-15 into Secretary Sabelius’ resilient hide
that Brooke had laid in wait for Sabelius for three days without food or water. He was camouflaged in a custom-made Ghillie suit which resembled an enormous pile of cow manure. Mr. Brooke used a .270 Cooper rifle to knock down Sebelius at a range of over 100 yards. He then raised himself into a kneeling position and fired a rocket-propelled grenade at Sabelius and her staff.
An eyewitness to the event, a Mr. Gus Malzahn, said that after firing the RPG, Brooke jumped up and began screaming “ROLL TIDE ROLL, YOU BITCH! ” Then Mr. Brooke charged Sabelius and her advisors while spraying lead with a converted AR-15. Brooke managed to pin Sabelius against an a farm tractor and emptied an entire clip into her a la “Sonny” in The Godfather. Not satisfied, Brooke whipped out a .40 Glock and administered what he thought was the coup de grace.
Mr. Brooke then immediately ran to a nearby television van and held an impromptu press conference. “I would just like to tell the voters of Alabama that I have taken this action in order to prove my dedication to repealing the scourge of Obamacare. The dream of denying healthcare to the poor must never die!”
Meanwhile, a life flight helicopter arrived on the scene to transport the apparently immortal Sabelius to a nearby hospital. Paramedics credited Sabelius’ survival to her almost impervious epidermis. One medic remarked, “That woman has a hide on her like a rhinoceros. I guess it’s from being exposed to all those vapid and inane questions from Republicans on the Health and Human Services Committee.”
Incredulous and frustrated at Sabelius’ apparent survival, Brooke ran to his nearby pickup truck and retrieved a shoulder fired
Brooke used a shoulder-fired Stinger to try to bring down a life-flight chopper, but it veered off course and exploded harmlessly over a nearby greyhound track
Stinger ground-to-air missile. He then launched the missile at the chopper while yelling, “Die, health care whore!” Fortunately the projectile went awry and missed the helicopter. It was only learned later than the missile detonated in the middle of Victoryland Greyhound Park where it caused no injuries.
The entire sordid affair was televised by the local Fox affiliate in nearby Montgomery. Anchors expressed surprise and disappointment that Secretary Sabelius survived the assault but felt that the failure would probably not hurt Mr. Brooke’s chances in the upcoming Republican primary.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 