Category Archives: Uncategorized

Florida Joins Iran and North Korea In International Bloodletting Contest

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by
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Governor Rick Scott is pushing a bill through the Florida legislature that would bring back the guillotine

TALLAHASSEE-Governor Rick Scott and other right-wing politicians in Florida were said to be “beside themselves” with excitement after Amnesty International’s release of its annual report on execution rates around the globe. Governor Skeletor appeared at a press conference early this morning in Tallahassee to trumpet the success of the state’s “Timely Justice Act” which was passed and signed into law last year.

“We have busted our collective butt to streamline the process of state-sponsored killing in Cretonia,” said Governor Scott. “The

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Governor Scott’s origins are shrouded in mystery, but he is thought to be the reincarnation of the Aztec snake god Crotalus

figures just released by Amnesty prove that the new law is putting us right up there with some of the most respected champions of legalized murder. We even edged out Texas for third place! All our efforts have not been in vain and I couldn’t be more proud.”

According to the statistics, Florida moved in front of Texas in 2013 in the total number of death sentences handed down by highly educated and compassionate Florida juries. Not surprisingly, Florida also holds the all time record of convicted death-row prisoners that turned out to be completely innocent.

“I think we can all live with a few mistakes, unless of course you happen to be poor or black,” Scott chuckled.

The mistake rate more than likely stems from the fact that Florida only requires a 7-5 vote of jurors to hand down a death sentence. “We are trying to change that for the better,” said Scott. “I have sponsored a new bill that will allow us to bypass the lengthy and expensive trial process altogether and move to a system of immediate execution of suspects if three out of four investigating officers think that the “perp” is guilty. “We need to take the responsibility out of the hands of these uneducated hicks that make up our population,” said Scott. “I think everyone would agree that experienced cops would make better decisions.”

“Florida is proud to take the lead in speedy and efficient termination of human life, except of course when it involves giving women

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George Zimmerman is a finalist for one of Florida’s coveted new “celebrity executioner” positions

control of their own bodies,” crowed Governor Snakehead. “We in Florida believe a woman’s place is in the home and a negro’s place is on the scaffold.”

Other states are scrambling to keep up with Florida’s torrid pace. Texas Governor Rick Perry told reporters that “Those upstarts over there in the Gunshine State may think they can win this contest but they ain’t seen nothing yet! We intend on conducting a state-wide human barbecue the likes of which the world has never seen.”

Although the total number of executions in the United States fell last year, along with student’s test scores, America managed to proudly stay within the top five countries who execute prisoners. America is still a contender for the abomination award alongside Iraq, China, Saudi Arabia, and Iran.

 

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Eight)

Posted in entertainment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by

If you are a young dude in training to become a wildlife officer or “Grouper Trooper” in the state of Florida, try not to sleep through “Giant Reptile Apprehension” class. In general it is best to approach dangerous alligators from the ass-end thus avoiding jaws equipped with razor-sharp teeth and with the crushing power of an automobile compactor. It might also be advisable to avoid obstacles such as curbs over which you could trip and thus come face to face with your reptilian adversary.

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Always strive to keep your home as clean as a microchip manufacturing facility. Keep your floors clean by purchasing at least six overpriced and inefficient robotic sweepers. That way a team of two sweepers can be on duty around the clock bumping into things and terrorizing your pets. Attaching high-powered rescue strobe beacons to the robotic devices will help guests avoid tripping over them when they get up to urinate in the middle of the night. So what if your neighbors think they are living next to an indoor airport? Cleanliness should be your first consideration. You never know when a physician may want to conduct a kidney transplant on your kitchen floor.

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If you have reached the point in life where you are rationally weighing the all-important decision as to your lifetime sexual preference, take your time and make a wise choice. Even thinking about having sex with another of your own gender could land you in the “Lake of Fire” for the rest of eternity. All this talk of brain chemistry, biology, and genetics is just a bunch of crap liberals have cooked up to force the gay agenda down our throats. Remember, it’s your choice!

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If a friend or relative is staying in your home and he is scurrying around attempting to make a deadline or get ready for an appointment, pepper him with questions like “Do you know what time it is? What time is your appointment? How long does it take to get there?” Then, make a statement like “You should have started getting ready much earlier.” This will serve the dual purpose of accelerating his slide into insanity while encouraging the procrastinating bastard to plan better next time.

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When hiring a chauffeur it is always best to pick someone who has a solid work record and a stable home life. Remember, your life will be in his hands.

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If you move to a new city, one of the most important decisions you will make will be the choice of a family physician. Choose one who can relate to your mental state and all of your fucked-up obsessions and syndromes. Make sure that the dude will readily prescribe the narcotics you so desperately need in order to function in society.

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When choosing a place to worship in your new town, be sure to visit several compounds before making a final decision. Don’t be too particular about belief systems; just make sure the pastor is charismatic and fun to be around. You don’t want to get bored.

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If you are a young person and have yet to decide on your drug of choice, don’t waste time with gateway drugs. You are only given a brief time on this planet so get with the program! Pot and alcohol are for chicken-shit pansies. Opt instead for something that will really kick your ass and is easy to obtain or manufacture at home. For God’s sake enjoy yourself before you get old and decrepit.

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If you have the attention span of a squirrel on amphetamines and tend to get on some people’s nerves, then for Christ’s sake see a physician and get a script for Valium or Xanax so that those of us who love you won’t some day be charged with manslaughter.

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If you are a dog catcher for a canine concentration camp that murders innocents, just what in the fuck is wrong with you anyway? I can personally think of thousands of people who should be scooped up and taken away before the first dog should be harmed. Do us all a favor and drive your truck into a swamp. By the way, you are even less popular than President Obama or the U.S. Congress. Your best bet is to gas yourself as soon as you can find the time.

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Instead of hiring overpriced lazy ass repairmen to work in your home, get a couple of books on-line and do all of your own home repairs, especially easy to fix items such as electrical wiring. Remember, every penny you save can be used to pay for emergency room visits.

Management tip of the week: If you thrive on pettiness and the enforcement of absolutely senseless rules, choose a career as a corrections officer. It is a thankless job with low pay and high risk, but the benefits are alright, there will be opportunities for graft,  and it will make you feel good to know that you around people who are even more miserable than yourself.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

German Customs Officials Seize Shipment Of Papal Blow

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Pope Francis beseeches the laity to pitch in and help the Holy See through this “rough spot” by dropping off what they can with their local parish priest

VATICAN CITY-The German weekly newspaper Gild am Sonntag reported yesterday that 340 grams of cocaine bound for the Vatican was seized by German customs officials in Leipzig. The officers found the high-quality Peruvian marching powder packed into 14 condoms hidden inside a shipment of comfortable and stylish seat cushions. The shipment of “soft cushions” was addressed only to the Vatican post office, meaning any one of the 800 permanent residents of Vatican City could have picked it up.

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Cardinal Fang led a team of “crack” Swiss Guards on a failed sting operation outside the Vatican post office

After German authorities contacted Vatican police and told them of the discovery, a sting operation was set up under very tight security. The 99% pure yayo was removed from the cushions and placed under guard in Leipzig. Meanwhile, an experienced team of Swiss Guards under the command of Cardinal Fang was assigned to observe the post office and capture the recipient of the shipment when he attempted to pick it up. “We are not that concerned with the nose candy, but the use of condoms is strictly forbidden and could lead to torture and excommunication,” said Cardinal Fang. “We may have to resort to using the ‘comfy chair.'”

However, the operation was called off three weeks later since no one ever appeared to collect the cushions. German officials believe that someone inside the Vatican tipped off the would-be snorter. Cardinal Fang reacted with righteous indignation to the suggestion that information had leaked from the nostrils of his task force. He vehemently insisted that “Nooooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

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Archbishop of Miami Tony Montana donated 250 grams of pure California cornflakes to the cause and pledged to throw the German custom officials out of a helicopter

A source from within the close-knit College of Cardinals, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed regret that the shipment was seized in the first place. “We are really gonna miss that shipment. A whole week’s worth of dope flushed down the drain. You know it’s damn hard work saving souls and feeding the less fortunate. How in the hell do think His Holiness is able to spend his nights working in soup kitchens after all day at the office? The man is 77 years old, after all. Furthermore, I don’t know what idiot decided to route that stuff through Leipzig anyway. Everybody knows how anal German customs officials are.”

Appeals have been made to the pious to help the Vatican get over the shortfall in supply. Donations are pouring in from all over Sicily and as far away as Amsterdam and even Bogata. Archbishop Tony Montana of Miami, for instance, pledged 250 grams of pure powder from a stash he has hidden “close by.”

It seems that the faithful have taken the Pope’s pleas for a more humane and giving form of capitalism quite seriously.

Bay County Sheriff’s Department Holds Fundraiser For Officers Injured In The Line Of Duty While Using “Advanced Interrogation Techniques”

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Sheriff’s deputies competed in a variety of fun events such as the 100 meter freestyle

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Bay County Sheriff’s Department spokesperson Captain Arnold Porker

PANAMA CITY BEACH, FL-The annual fundraiser for Bay County deputies injured while beating or water-boarding teenage suspects was held yesterday at the new Panama City Beach Bovine and Even-Toed Ungulate Water Park. The new park is located on the beach just adjacent to the locally famous Fran’s Pig-N-Whistle barbecue restaurant. The event is held during spring break each year so that residents from other states can attend and be made aware of the problems that occur when teenagers fight back while being abused.

The event was sponsored this year by the Florida Chapter of the Patrolman’s Malevolent Association, the National Union of Bad Lieutenants, and the Dirty and Corrupt Politician’s League. Festivities began at 10 A.M. and lasted until well after dusk. “Run Through A Horse” brand draft beer was available as well as a variety soft drinks for the kids. Free snacks were provided by Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme.

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Deputy Cob R. Roller won the 200 meter ungulate butterfly stroke competition

Healthy deputies from Bay and surrounding counties participated in a variety of sports competitions to the absolute delight of the civilian crowd. Both water and land competitions were held over an eight-hour shift. Over $5000 was raised to help injured officers pay expensive hospital bills. The event is a godsend for officer’s families because injuries sustained in course of corrupt and illegal acts are not covered by the county or even by Obamacare.

Master of ceremonies for the event this year was none other than George Zimmerman. Mr. Zimmerman, out on bond from the latest string of petty crimes he committed last month, did an admirable job commentating on the various athletic competitions. Some said he did an even better job than Bob Costas at the Olympics.

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Deputy Billy Joe Stinker dominated the diving competition

“We really hit a home run this year,” said Captain Arnold Porker, spokesman for the department. “Most folks just don’t realize how dangerous it is to torture suspects, especially teenage males. One of our officers had his ear bitten off by an unruly spring breaker while he was holding him suspended off the eighth floor balcony of the Holiday Inn. Another almost drowned when he was water-boarding this cheerleader from Tennessee and her football player boyfriends came to her rescue. It’s a real jungle out there.”

Bay County Sheriff Buford T. Fatback presided over the event and pronounced it a great success. “I just want the public to know how much we appreciate you all chipping in to help our wounded swine. Without your help police brutality would be set back years, if not decades.”

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Members of the general public were thrilled to be allowed to jump in the Gulf of Mexico with some of the law enforcement officers. “I never knew cops could swim!” said Jenny Owens of Nashville.

Captain Porker told assembled reporters that the event will be even larger next year. “We intend to invite some of our unscrupulous and dishonorable colleagues from other states and from federal agencies such as the DEA, the ATF, and the CIA. We have already lined up some wealthy new sponsors such as the Bribable Judges Coalition and the Venal Prosecutor’s Guild. One day we hope to make this a national event and even have our own web page!”

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Romance was in the air as the sun set on yet another successful fundraiser for our hard-working Bay County cops

Bay County politicians are already in the process of using eminent domain laws, blackmail, and intimidation to seize properties adjacent to the park so that it can be expanded to accommodate the expected larger crowds in coming years.

Obama To Joint Chiefs: Initiate Plan Pink For Rapid Pussification Of U.S Military

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THE WAR ROOM CONFERENCE DR. STRANGELOVE: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB (1964)

President Obama met with the Joint Chiefs of Staff in the War Room of the Pentagon late Friday afternoon

WASHINGTON-At a Pentagon meeting late Friday afternoon, President Obama ordered the Joint Chiefs of Staff to initiate “Plan Pink,” a variation on a French war plan which calls for all our armed forces in eastern Europe to assume a submissive and cooperative attitude in the event of a Russian invasion of eastern Ukraine. The plan calls for all branches of the military to act in a “subservient and compliant” manner towards any Russian ships, aircraft, or armored columns they might encounter.

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U.S. troops offload supplies of potable water to be given to the columns of thirsty Russian foot soldiers

The plan also calls for highly experienced French officers to act as advisors to the Ukrainian armed forces as they warmly greet the advancing Russian forces. “Proper surrender etiquette must be followed at all times,” said French General Renee Acquiesce. “The last thing we want is any shooting in the name of patriotism. That’s how people get hurt.”

Emergency supplies of water and MRE’s are being airlifted into Kiev where they will be distributed to strategic points along the expected route of the Russian advance. Ukrainian troops and their Allied advisors will be distributing the much-needed supplies to weary Russian tankers and footsoldiers as they race toward the capital.

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General “Buck” Turgidson was the only dissenter among the Joint Chiefs. Instead General Turgidson backed a plan that would turn Russia into a glowing heap of radioactive debris

The Joint Chiefs greeted the news of President Obama’s decision with almost uniform relief. “We have the most technologically advanced and expensive military in the world. It would be a damn shame to get it shot up over a little thing like the subjugation of a fledgling democracy trying to shed the yoke of Russian imperialism,” said General Frank Timorous. “Besides, I don’t think there’s any oil there anyway, is there?”

There was only one dissenting vote on the plan, and that was made by U.S. Air Force General “Buck” Turgidson. General Turgidson became rather perturbed with the president when he heard his plans. He told the president that he should show a little more concern for the Ukrainian people than with his image in the history books. General Turgidson instead backed a plan called “Operation Drop Kick” in which the U.S. would conduct a surprise full-scale nuclear attack on Russia and her allies. General Turginson told the assembled officials that although we would suffer some minor damage to our infrastructure and a few casualties from Russian nuclear retaliation, he guaranteed that the death toll of Americans would be minimal. General Turgidson said, “Mr. President, I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed. But I do say that no more than ten to twenty million Americans will be killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.”

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Mr. Putin assured Mr. Obama of Russia’s benign intentions during a photo shoot for the cover of Modern Cossack magazine

Despite General Turgidson’s rosy predictions, President Obama insisted on going with “Plan Pink.” He addressed reporters in the Pentagon briefing room before returning to the White House to pack for his upcoming vacation.

“I want to make one thing perfectly clear from the outset of this operation,” said Mr. Obama. ” The U.S. military is not going to get involved in war with another country that can put up any kind of a fight. I mean, we spend hundreds of billions of dollars every year on the military and various intelligence agencies, and we are not going to divert them from the critical tasks of blowing up Yemeni wedding parties and spying on our own citizens. If the citizens of Ukraine want to get all crazy and demand the right to vote, well then that’s their business. President Putin has assured me over the phone that he will do what is right and offer free health care to any Ukrainian who will sign a loyalty pledge to Mother Russia. That’s a pretty big incentive in my book.”

Walton County Enters Statewide “Mindless and Absurd Arrest” Contest

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The Tidwells are unlikely to be strong public advocates of the “Emerald Coast” as a vacation destination

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Walton County Sheriff’s Department spokesperson Fred Dullard

DEFUNIAK SPRINGS, FL-Fred R. Dullard, spokesman for the Walton County Sheriff’s Department, announced today that Walton will be joining a multitude of Florida counties in the red-hot race for who can make the most moronic and senseless arrests during spring break. Although Walton is a late entry, Dullard expressed optimism for a high finish. “I think we have a good shot at it,” said Dullard. “Our main competition is going to be neighboring Bay County. They are always tough to beat in any contest of incompetence or abuse. Those guys over there just seem to have a knack for fucking things up.”

Walton made its first entry into the contest with the foolish and ill-advised arrest of Philip D. Tidwell’s twenty year old daughter who was here on spring break from Dyersburg, Tennessee. It seems that Ms Tidwell had committed the heinous crime of possessing an unopened alcoholic beverage. Not being 21 years of age, Ms Tidwell thus constituted a clear and present danger to anyone within a ten-mile radius of her position.

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Bay County is a heavy favorite to win the “moronic arrest” contest because of its innovative mobile concentration camps for unruly youthful offenders

The arresting officer, Bobby Joe Vapid of nearby Encephalitis Springs, stated “I just couldn’t let the public be put in danger by Ms Tidwell’s wreckless activities. These damn rich kids come down har and think they can get away with all kinds a terrorist acts. It ain’t right.”

What makes Walton’s entry so impressive are the unintended consequences of Officer Vapid’s arrest. After hearing of his daughter’s incarceration, Mr. Tidwell drove down from Dyersburg to free her from the long tentacles of the law. Upon arriving at the jail in DeFuniak Springs, he was informed of the standard wait time of 7-10 hours before his daughter could be released.

“We try to release prisoners as quickly as possible, depending on the severity of the crime and how attractive they are, if they are female of course,” said spokesman Dullard. “However, when it comes to these hardened criminals from out of state, we have to err on the side of caution. We have a duty to protect the public. Besides, it’s damn hard for many of our nearly illiterate personnel to fill out all the proper forms.”

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Authorities were saddened to see Ms Tidwell released as they had made plans for her future

After having to deal with the absurdity of the arrest and incarceration of his daughter, Mr. Tidwell simply could not take the glacial pace of the release process. He then did what many have fantasized about doing. He grabbed a golf club and beat the shit out of some patrol cars parked in the jail parking lot.

 A local attorney representing Mr. Tidwell quoted him as saying, “Hell, that’s the way we settle scores in the Volunteer state, and I figured Florida would be no different. Without golf clubs and tire irons society would go all to hell.” Mr. Tidwell’s lawyer said that he was slightly intoxicated at the time and regretted the incident. He has offered to pay for the damages.

The last few weeks of the arrest contest should be very exciting. The grand prize is a year-long expansion of the asset forfeiture laws to include parking tickets and restaurant code violations. That potentially means a lot of cash for hard-pressed police and sheriff’s departments. With the race heating up, vacationing students are advised to use extreme caution or choose a more warm and congenial destination this year, like maybe Damascus or Sevastopol.

Pastor Fred Phelps “Thoroughly Confused” To Find Himself Burning In Hell

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Lord Sonneillon, Prince of Hatred, has been given the honor of torturing Pastor Phelps from now until somewhere around the end of time. Editor’s note: This photograph was taken prior to Lord Sonneillion’s much ballyhooed facelift by a plastic surgeon in Los Angeles.

THE RIVER STYX-Pastor Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church fame is said to be “thoroughly confused” and more than a little bit perturbed at finding himself roasting in the fires of hell, sources said. At a press conference this morning along the corpse-strewn banks of the River Styx, Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters that Phelps “just could not believe his eyes” as he disembarked from the Brimstone Special, one of three new environmentally friendly Maglev (magnetic levitation) bullet trains that transport condemned souls to the River Styx at over 200 miles per hour.”His Majesty Mephistopheles sure is proud of those new trains,” said Balthazar. “He really wants to do his part to save the environment from all you idiot Homo sapiens.”

Upon his arrival, Pastor Phelps attended a gala reception hosted by the Prince of Hatred Lord Sonneillon. “I just wanted Fred to know how happy we were to finally get him in our talons,” said Lord Sonneillon. “I would also like to thank His Majesty Lord Lucifer for entrusting to me and my staff the safe-keeping and eternal torture of Pastor Phelps’ black and rotten soul. It’s not that often that you run across a dude that was so totally committed to hatred and loathing during his time on earth. My boys have not been this excited since Hitler arrived back in 1945.”

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Meanwhile, Sunday school classes at the Westboro Baptist Church continued unabated.

Pastor Phelps only had time for a few brief comments before he had to leave for his induction physical over at the offices of Mengele and Kevorkian, LLC. “I just do not understand this at all,” said Phelps. “This must be some kind of mistake. I’ve spent my whole goddamn life serving the Lord and this is what I get! Spending eternity having a hot poker rammed up my ass and having my liver torn out by hungry vultures every morning at daybreak. Life is a bitch and then you die!”

Outside the Pearly Gates, at a somewhat higher elevation, a deep and resonant chuckling could be heard emanating from the Throne of God.

Serial Urinator Stalks University Of Florida Campus; Suspects Include Every Black Male Residing In The Continental United States

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Talented police sketch artists worked for at least five minutes with the victims of the leaking lawbreaker to come up with this detailed and revealing composite of the micturating miscreant roaming the UF campus

GAINESVILLE-Thursday March 20th 2014, the first day of spring. This should be a happy day for all the young men attending the University of Florida. The guys should be greeted with the pleasant sight of scantily clad coeds carefully nurturing deep tans that only much later in life will give rise to a crop of malignant melanomas. However, today the campus is caught in the icy grip of fear. Women of all ages can be seen garbed in protective clothing in the form rain slickers and wetsuits rented from nearby scuba diving shops. The coeds march in defensive phalanx formations on their way to class and Flight 370 discussion groups.

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The local offices of Tony Siragusa’s Leakers Anonymous Foundation were raided by the Gainesville cops in order to seize computers listing the names of past and present members

The reason for this reign of terror is simple: a malevolent serial urinator is roaming unchecked around the campus and its nearby environs, relieving himself on innocent female students. The micturating maniac has struck at least six times in recent weeks and is wanted by the Gainesville Police Department for “battery with a warm, straw-colored liquid.”

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Gainesville cops are using specially trained crotch-sniffing dogs in the manhunt. The canine detectives are on loan from the TSA

At a news conference yesterday Gainesville Police Chief Billy Joe “Bull” Smegma told reporters that “We have not seen this level of terror on the Florida campus since those guys in the UF computer lab re-tasked the highway signs to read ‘DANGER! ZOMBIE CROSSING! PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION.’ “I want all of the residents of Gainesville to know we are top of this situation,” said Chief Smegma. “I have contacted experts in Chicago that tracked down and arrested the infamous ‘Illinois Enema Bandit’ back in the 70’s, and we are flying them in tomorrow. I also want to give all of you guys a composite sketch we have come up with from the victims’ descriptions of the desperado.”

Chief Smegma then had officers hand out a detailed artist’s rendering of the lawless leaker. He is said to be a black male between the ages of 20 and 40, between 5’6″ and 6’2″ tall, and wearing a hoodie and baggy jeans. “With this description and the excellent sketch made by our expert police artists, we are rapidly narrowing the field of suspects down into the low tens of thousands. Most of the black males on campus are on sports teams so we can easily check their alibis. Add to that the fact that most young black males here in Florida are safely behind bars, and the pool of potential pee-ers dries up nicely,” said Smegma.

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An experienced team of police sketch artists worked diligently with victims of the iniquitous eliminator to come up with a detailed composite that would help identify the pernicious pervert with a baleful bladder

“We feel that with the help of the public we can track down this miscreant pretty quickly, Chief Smegma continued. “We are currently checking the alibis of all our sports stars on campus and marking them off the list one by one. We are also receiving assistance from some of our local militias and white supremacist organizations from rural areas of northern Florida and south Georgia. The main thing we want to stress to the public is that they should study the sketch intently and commit it to memory. If any citizen should happen to see anyone who vaguely matches the description of this villainous eliminator, for God’s sake don’t try to take action on your own. Either call local law enforcement or a bunch of your drinking buddies to help with the capture. Although urine is in general sterile and harmless, you never know when an unhinged felon might graduate to ‘Number Two.’ We generally consider serial urination to be a gateway crime and it’s only a matter of time before this cretin becomes completely unhinged and begins committing acts of full scale fecal terrorism.”

Initial reports that the suspect had been arrested last night were proved inaccurate. A man was found unconscious in a restroom over at the liberal arts building with his fly open and privates exposed. However, it turned out to be a tenured political science professor who has suffered from micturition syncope, a condition where the sufferer faints during or after urination. The professor is said to have suffered from the heartbreaking syndrome ever since he underwent extreme trauma during the Florida recount fiasco in 2000.

At present Gainesville police have no one in custody, but cops and private citizens alike are rapidly rounding up and questioning any black male wearing a hoodie that ventures within a 25 mile radius of the campus. Results are expected soon.

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part 7)

Posted in entertainment, environment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by
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Spend precious hours of your life carefully folding Walmart and Publix bags so they will fit neatly in some obscure cabinet in the laundry room. The last thing you want is disorder in your household. If you are pressed for space, use a hot iron to compress the stack into a compact mass of organic polymers that will be around long after Homo sapiens is an extinct species.

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Choosing the correct pet can be a tricky business. Be sure to select one that best suits your personality. Remember, the most important things in life are cleaning, organization, and maintaining a death grip of control over your immediate surroundings and any entities therein. Model your life after a mid level security officer in the East German Stasi.

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Attempt to shape and control your children’s lives with an almost religious zeal reminiscent of an imam at a terrorist training facility. Your kids will adore you for it and after a period of rebelliousness, will grow into happy and well adjusted teenagers. In adulthood they will become either despondent and negative control freaks such as yourself, or neurotic real-life versions of Crazy Larry in Sam Peckinpah’s The Wild Bunch. Either way, you will be assured of a nice quiet funeral without all that hysterical sobbing.

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If you are a “news anchor” for a cable network do your best to sensationalize tragedies that occur anywhere on earth. Strive to come up with 18 bizarre theories that could explain “mysterious events” that occur. Completely ignore all facts related to the story. Use bizarre colloquialisms that you think are cool, such as “we are efforting to find out the truth.” When in doubt, blame Obamacare.

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If a loved one does too much business with Amazon, simply burn the next round of books he receives. Christmas should only come once per year. Besides, who needs intellectuals? They get too big for their britches.

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If you are almost 80 years old, always wake up at 6 A.M. and start your day by scrubbing cat vomit off your obscenely expensive silk Persian rug. Act as if this is the first time in the history of the planet that a feline regurgitated. Threaten the cat with severe economic sanctions if the act is repeated.

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If you are worried that the size of your penis is not up to snuff, and you thrive on failure, become a probation officer. During your career you will be able to observe every species of genital under the sun and you will finally be able to assess your place in the pricking order. Practice the fine art of meat gazing by adopting a cat and go out of your way to glare and intimidate it while it uses the litter box. Also, don’t to forget to act like a pompous-ass control freak version of Mother Theresa while boasting a whopping three percent success rate for “clients.”

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Panic and react with abject horror when your huge feline does something vaguely sexual with his cat bed.

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If you are a lazy and shiftless lamprey who suffers from CWDD (Constructive Work Deficiency Disorder), react with a certain lack of enthusiasm and practiced indifference when you are given your morning cleaning assignments by your OCD mom.

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If you are spending your weekend on a nearby lake abducting innocent bass from their homes in order to turn them into highly battered cholesterol fillets, always take a shotgun along. You never know when some unsuspecting alien creature may swim by. Remember, always shoot first and ask questions later.

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Camping can be enormous fun for the entire family. However, you never know when you might encounter an Eric Robert Rudolph or one of the thousands of Muslim terrorist sleeper cells that are located behind every bush in the United States. You should therefore always be prepared to repel attack. Don’t even think about entering the woods without an assault rifle and appropriate sidearm. Train your wife and kids until they are experts with rocket-propelled grenades and night vision equipment. Remember, the forest is there for all of us to enjoy, so help keep it safe for all Americans.

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If a relative or close friend has the impertinence to attempt something as selfish as reading or writing while you are cleaning all your baseboards with a toothbrush for the third time in a week, interrupt them over and over again with stupid, vacuous rhetorical questions until the poor bastard gives up and slashes his wrists.

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React with fear and trembling if you should happen to discover a harmless insect in your home. Immediately get on the phone and bitch at the worthless pest control company you pay a fortune to every month to keep you safe from the arthropods and arachnids that have covered every square foot of the planet since long before man emerged from the sea.  Act as if the lone lost and confused ant you see on the kitchen floor represents the vanguard of an endless stream of ravenous driver ants from east Africa. Worry yourself sick about the imminent invasion of segmented miniature monsters who will pick your bones clean in minutes if you dare go to sleep. Try to add precious minutes to your life by taking amphetamines to stay awake 24/7 like Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

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Keep every door in your fucking house closed and locked like you are expecting the Zombie Apocalypse. The last thing you want is fresh air, a pleasant breeze, and the sounds of a waterfall invading the peace and tranquility of your aseptic, lifeless home that is devoid of any personality.

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If an aggressive semi-hostile country ruled by a megalomaniacal former KGB officer invades and subjugates a weaker nation thus threatening to precipitate World War III, spend 100% of the airtime on your popular cable program positing bizarre and irrational theories about the disappearance of an airliner carrying a couple of hundred people. Keep your priorities straight and forge ahead with no thought for what is really important.

Management tip of the week: If you own or manage a small business, never  turn your back on any employee or customer. They are all out to rob your ass blind. Never trust anyone you come into contact with in the course of business, especially if they are relatives or close friends. Those cretinous swine will use their close relationship with you to take everything you have worked so hard to attain. Protect yourself by installing microscopic video cameras in every nook and cranny of your business, especially in the restrooms. Make sure they broadcast 24/7 on an encrypted frequency that only you can receive. Always carry a laptop or pad around with you so you can keep an eye on the bastards at all times. Test your employees’ honesty by leaving gold coins in the break room that you have previously exposed to intense ionizing radiation. If one of your vile, heinous employees gives in to temptation, don’t take action until a year later when he is in the hospital suffering from some giant cancerous tumor of mysterious origin. Then visit him and tell him that’s what he gets for being a dishonest bastard. Pull out all the tubes connected to his body and tell the nurse he had a spasm and fell out of bed. When your other employees find out what has happened, they will admire your dedication and cunning and work that much harder to please you.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Bowing To Pressure From The Christian Right, Disney Announces Construction of New “Nine Circles Of Hell” Theme Park

Posted in entertainment, humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by

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ORLANDO-Under extreme pressure from Tea Party officials and facing the threat of boycotts from right-wing Christian organizations, Disney has announced a total image makeover. As part of the change, officials have hired new producers and directors, a new spokesperson, and have plans for a massive new theme park dedicated solely to the beliefs of evangelical Christians. The new park is being designed to influence and convert young children who may be thinking about taking a different path in life. “We want to do our part to help youngsters decide to do what is right and reject the lies of science and reason,” said Disney’s new spokesperson Phil Robertson. “We really think we can be a positive influence on those five or six-year-old kids who are weighing the advantages of becoming  lifetime disciples of Satan as opposed to doing the right thing and choosing Jesus.”

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The always cheerful and uplifting serial killer of water fowl Phil Robertson will be Disney’s new spokesperson.

As part of the makeover, Disney will only produce low-grossing films and animated features of a religious nature that emphasize leading a life dedicated to faith and superstition while renouncing the evils of logical thought and enlightenment. Although this will diminish corporate profits and lead to a less educated generation of young adults, Disney executives feel that the stock prices of the company will be propped up by block purchases by godly corporations such as Hobby Lobby and Vatican Investments, Inc.

The changes in production and public relations form only two-thirds of the makeover triad. The centerpiece of the new Disney will feature a multi-billion dollar theme park known as “The Nine Circles of Hell.” The park will consist of a variety of educational attractions for the kiddies such as museums dedicated to refuting hundreds of years of scientific progress and societal evolution. Disney has hired Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky, as well as Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, as consultants on the new project. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has been hired as Disney’s new adviser on science and education.

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Children will be reminded of the consequences of sin by a series of cheerful signs posted along the route of the new “Descent Into Hell” ride.

“The new park will do its best to convince youngsters that all this talk of evolution, climate change, and the big bang is just mumbo jumbo,” said Robertson, as he spoke to reporters from his home in Fecal Shoals, Louisiana. “I mean, anyone with any sense knows that the earth is only about 6000 years old. All this crap about the ‘big bang’ is just liberal propaganda.” Robertson, who was dissembling and cleaning an AR-15 as he spoke, continued: “But what we really want to emphasize is the consequences of choosing a sinful lifestyle. We believe that the best way to keep kids from deciding to be homosexual perverts and servants of the Devil is to scare the ever-loving shit out of them. That’s why I’m so excited about the new ‘Descent Into Hell’ children’s ride we have planned. It should really make guys want to stick with having sex with women. I mean, everybody knows they have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

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The entrance to the new ride will feature a melancholy apocalyptic landscape in order to get the kids into a depressed and pessimistic mood before the descent.

According to engineers at Disney, the innovative “Descent Into Hell” ride will be educational as well as fun. Kids (as well as backsliding adults) will be fitted with stylish straight jackets hand-made by Luddites camped outside the park. Then the kids will be tied to saddles atop mechanical dinosaurs who will then descend through the mouth of a cave into the bowels of hell. The kids will be bombarded by a dark and melancholy musical score consisting of works by Wagner and Mahler in the upper levels and the continuous repetition of Barber’s Adagio for Strings as they approach the lower infernal regions.

The first level of the ride of course begins in Limbo, where the kids are taken on a tour of the U.S. Senate and House Chambers and treated to a seemingly never-ending cable newscast about the mysterious flight of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. Then the robotic raptors lumber on down to the lower levels of the ride where more Lovecraftian horrors will await the already perplexed and despondent children. Disney engineers are particularly proud of level three, Gluttony, where androids manufactured in the likenesses of Rush Limbaugh, Chris Christie, and William Howard Taft charge out of a thick soupy fog and threaten to devour the kids alive. “It just about the scariest thing I have ever been a part of designing,” said Matt McClendon, a part-time programmer for Disney.

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A holographic version of the Roman poet Virgil will accompany each child on their journey through the fires of hell. Here Virgil can be seen with his buddies Dante and Captain Phlegyas as they enjoy a dinner cruise along the River Styx

Perhaps the most innovative feature in the entire new park is the totally interactive hologram of the Roman poet Virgil who will accompany the kids on their trip to Hades. The ghostly apparition of Virgil, fully equipped with artificial intelligence, we be able to explain thousands of different sins and their consequences to the children in over 100 different languages.  Virgil will be able to answer all the burning questions that are on the minds average American five-year-olds, such as “What happens if I spill my milk?” Or “What happens to me if I believe in evolution?”  Or “What happens if I miss the March 31st deadline for signing up for Obamacare?” Or most importantly, “What happens to my immortal soul if I am unable to overcome the constant pressure emanating from Democrats and the liberal media and decide to turn gay?”

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Phil Robertson, Disney’s new spokesperson, made it a condition of his employment that Virgil be programmed to drone on and on about how women had “more to offer down there” and how legalizing gay marriage would bring about the downfall of western civilization. More than one programmer was heard to utter “Methinks he doth protest too much.”

Disney plans to have grief counselors and psychologists specializing in the treatment of early childhood trauma standing by at the exit of the ride to try to stave off lawsuits from the parents of kids who may become mentally unhinged or permanently disabled by the experience. “We want to err on the side of caution when it comes to these young skulls full of mush,” said Dr. Joe Mengele Jr., a staff physician at Disney. “We know we can’t be perfect, but we want to limit the number of cases of PTSD to the bare minimum.”

As everyone knows Disney has the “Midas Touch” when it comes to new projects, and great things are predicted for the new park. Christian youth groups and Sunday school classes from all over the country have already booked reservations at the new park even before construction has begun. However, spokesman Phil Robertson was quick to emphasize that it was not all about the money. “We want to fight the influence of ‘Big Gay,’ ‘Big Mooslim,’ and ‘Big Lucifer’ wherever we see them taking root. This is about saving souls and raising a whole generation of kids who will not be exposed to the dangers of science, reason, and individual choice. It’s all a part of our nationwide campaign to ‘Just Say No To Satan.’ I’m confident that any child who visits the new park will be so befuddled and terrified by the experience that he or she will have no choice but to follow the right path and reject the evils that a more compassionate and tolerant society have forced upon us. The future looks bright at Disney.”