Category Archives: Uncategorized

Jubilant New Yorkers Throng Times Square After Sean Hannity Announces Imminent Departure

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NEW YORK-An estimated crowd of over 200,000 people crowded Times Square and surrounding areas yesterday as word leaked out that Fox News personality and insane person Sean Hannity intends to depart New York and set up camp in the Bible Belt. Hannity made the announcement during a nonsensical rant on his radio program Monday afternoon. The public only found out about the announcement yesterday morning because so few New Yorkers actually listen to the program.

Hannity was responding to comments made by Governor Andrew Cuomo concerning extreme right-wing lunatics and most New Yorker’s desire for them to live elsewhere. Hannity took umbrage to Cuomo’s remarks and said “I want you to know that I can’t wait to get out of here. I really can’t. I don’t want to pay their 10 percent tax anymore.” Hannity continued “I live in the second-highest property-taxed county in the entire country in  Nassau County. I can’t wait to pay no state income tax down in Florida or Texas.”

Hannity continued to rant and rave for the rest of the segment about how oppressive taxes were in New York. “Look, I only made about 24 million last year. By the time I pay federal, state, and local taxes, I barely take home enough to buy a loaf of bread each week. I’m sick of the government giving handouts to lazy poor people and minorities in the form of food stamps and healthcare.  It’s high time the top 1% in this country stood up for its rights. The government has no right to take my hard-earned money and use it to try to help the oppressed and downtrodden! It’s un-American,  counterproductive, and it’s just not the Christian thing to do. You’d never see Jesus hanging out trying to help the poor. Read your Bible if you don’t believe me.”

Although the citizens of New York were exultant over Hannity’s plans, the few intelligent beings inhabiting Florida and Texas were mortified.

“Just what we need,” said former governor Charlie Crist, “another right-wing miscreant moving to Florida. First Rush Limbaugh and now Sean Hannity. Who’s next, that brain-damaged psychopath Glenn Beck? What in God’s name did we do down here to deserve this?”

Nation In Shock Over 2014 Budget

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WASHINGTON-Yesterday President Obama signed the $1.1 trillion spending bill that will fund the federal government until the end of September. The bill passed with large majorities in both houses of Congress, garnering widespread bipartisan support. The cooperation shown between the two opposing parties stunned most Americans.

“The lack of senseless bickering from both sides has left many Americans speechless,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Center For Sanity In Politics. “The public really does not know what to think about these people actually doing the job they were elected to do. Just when everyone thought that we had a dependable pattern of continuous gridlock caused by a small group of ignorant reactionaries, the rug gets pulled out from under us by this bipartisanship.”

Although most lawmakers were pleased that the country did not have to be embarrassed by another senseless government shutdown, a few were disappointed. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN), who since her election has consistently vied for the crown of “Most Vapid and Ignorant Living Politician,” stated “I just could not bring myself to vote for a bill that spent millions helping lazy poor people and at the same time failed to place the Ten Commandments in every public building in America.”

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was said to be in so much distress over his waning influence that aides were forced to check him into an Austin mental health center where he is said to be suffering from clinical depression.

Tea Party representatives have vowed to continue the fight against bipartisanship and cooperation in Congress. Jenny Beth Martin, national coordinator for the vacuous Tea Party Patriots, stated “We may have lost this round, but we promise the American public that we will make a comeback in 2014. We’ll do our best to embarrass the country in the eyes of the world and we’ll strive to smother economic recovery through another government shutdown if at all possible.”

Right wing think tanks were also upset. The Club For Growth And Enrichment Of The One Percent issued a statement saying “This bill is fat with pork and handouts to the poorest and most oppressed Americans. It’s a disgrace. Subsidies should be reserved for large oil companies and Big Agriculture. If we continue down this road there will be nothing left for the wealthy!”

President Obama was pleased with the cooperation in Congress and praised the work and determination shown by lawmakers in both parties. He was smiling and joking as he signed the bill, which sent Fox News pundits into fits of pique not seen since he signed the Affordable Care Act.

One Cretin and a Funeral

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movietheater

TAMPA-A dispute over texting inside a crowded movie theater in Tampa, Florida ended in a shooting, leaving one man dead, his wife injured, and an ex-cop charged with murder. The incident occurred while the parties in question were viewing “Lone Survivor” at the Grove 16 Theaters in Wesley Chapel, north of Tampa.

According to eyewitnesses, the argument began when Curtis Reeves Jr., 71, an ex-Tampa police officer who is apparently insane, objected to 43-year-old Chad Oulson’s texting. The argument escalated when Oulson refused to do as commanded by Reeves and his wife. Reeves then left the theater briefly and returned. The debate resumed, voices were raised, and popcorn was thrown. The accused then whipped out a pistol and fired.

Oulson’s wife was hit in the hand as she tried to protect her husband. Oulson was hit in the chest and later died. A witness stated that Oulson said, “I can’t believe…” before collapsing. Neither can anyone else, Mr. Oulson.

Pasco County Sheriff Department spokesman Doug Tobin stated that “It ended almost as soon as it started.” He said that a “Good Samaritan” was able to disarm and hold the suspect until police arrived. Reeves has been charged with second-degree murder.

Tampa Police spokeswoman Laura McElroy said in a press release that Reeves retired in 1993 as a captain and was instrumental in forming the agency’s first tactical response team. After retirement Reeves worked security for Busch Gardens theme park and was on the board of a local Crime Stoppers organization. When asked if the Tampa Police Department was in the habit of hiring bloodthirsty homicidal maniacs and putting them in positions of power, McElroy replied, “Well of course, this is Florida you know.”

In a hastily called news conference Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association used the incident as an example of how a tragedy could have been averted if only “oppressive” gun-control laws were further relaxed. “This incident goes to show just how dangerous texting is, and every law-abiding citizen should be armed and ready to meet the threat” said LaPierre. “If everyone in that theater had been armed, including the small children, then this tragedy could have been avoided. You simply cannot bring popcorn to a gunfight and expect to win.” When asked by a reporter to clarify his statement because it made no sense, LaPierre replied, “I represent the NRA. I don’t have to make any sense!”

The tragedy that occurred in this movie theater may seem unbelievable to sane Americans, but when you live in a state that allows its citizens to legally gun-down unarmed civilians on a whim, incidents such as this become the new normal. The craziest part of the whole story is that detectives who interviewed the unhinged Mr. Reeves actually considered if he was justified under the “Stand Your Ground” law. Thank God they got it right this time and charged Reeves with murder.

Chad Oulson leaves behind a wife and a three-year-old daughter. He was a finance manager at Sky Power Sports in Port Richey and loved motocross, sports of all types,  and traveling. He was 43 years old.

Courageous Politicians Shrug Off West Virginia Chemical Spill

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CHARLESTON-At press conference on Saturday, government officials and industry leaders told the citizens of West Virginia that the chemical spill causing so much consternation was really nothing to worry about. Speaking from the safety of the heavily fortified Robert Byrd Crisis Command Center deep below the capitol building, Governor Earl Ray Tomblin apologized to the public for any inconvenience that the “minor” spill had caused. He assured the citizens of West Virginia that although no one knew much about the nature of the chemical or how much had spilled, the effects on public health would be negligible.

The spill was made public on Thursday after reports from citizens of a “licorice-type” odor in the tap water of Charleston and the counties that surround it. Apparently the leak emanated from a 40,000 gallon holding tank at Freedom Industries on the banks of the Elk River, the source of drinking water for over 300,000 West Virginians. At first the company reported that the tank held Dawn dish-washing liquid for its lunch room clean up staff, but after dead fish began surfacing downstream, company spokesman Dr. Emelio Lizardo admitted that the tank contained 4-methylcyclohexane, a chemical used to cleanse coal.

Hundreds of thousands of residents have been warned not to drink, shower, cook, or clean with tap water until further notice. The West Virginia National Guard, FEMA, and private water companies are sending water tankers and bottled water into affected areas. As of today no one knows when the water will be safe to drink.

Governor Tomblin was quick to soothe public concerns over the spill. ” I want everyone to know that all of your hard-working elected officials are safe and have plenty of pure water to drink. This unfortunate slip-up will in no way hinder the normal functions of government. I want to state for the record that Freedom Industries and the coal industry in general are friends to both me and the good people of West Virginia. Freedom Industries and the Clean Coal Council have been leaders in the fight to keep the EPA and its business-killing regulations out of our fair state and I’m here to let everyone in West Virginia know that no one’s job is in jeopardy. We will continue to demolish picturesque mountaintops, pour toxic sludge into our streams and rivers, and pollute the atmosphere just as enthusiastically as we have done for the last fifty years. Our economy depends on it!”

Senator Joe Manchin (D-West Va) was unable to attend the presser as he was called away to Washington on urgent business as soon as it was apparent that he would have no drinkable water at his estate located in stylish Black Lung Gardens, a gated community outside Charleston. However, he did appear via secure video link, and had this to say: “I want to apologize for this unfortunate event but I know that we West Virginians are very resilient people and are used to all types of environmental degradation, so I know we can take it in stride. In the meantime, bottled water will be made available at the following locations: The Robert Byrd Research Library, The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Hospital, The Bob Byrd Central Post Office, The “Little Billy” Bird Memorial Animal Shelter, and any one of the over 200 Byrd’s Cash and Carry locations in and around Charleston.” Senator Manchin continued, “In the unlikely event that anyone needs spiritual counseling regarding the event, they may seek it at Our Lady of the Immaculate Pork Barrel Catholic Church, located adjacent to the Bobby Byrd Memorial Golf Course, on Robert Byrd Scenic Drive.”

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President of Freedom Industries Gary Southern

The President of Freedom Industries, Mr. Gary Southern, was also present at the press conference, but it was almost impossible to hear his statement because he was completely encapsulated in a stylish personally tailored Saint-Gobain hazmat suit. Transcripts of his remarks were later distributed to reporters, and we have this excerpt: “We at Freedom Industries want to apologize for any inconvenience we have caused the people of West Virginia and any of their pets or farm animals that may have been contaminated. We have no earthly idea how this spill could have occurred, since we always observe only the most stringent safety measures. I want to reiterate what Governor Tomblin has already said in that we in the coal industry will continue to provide the extremely hazardous low paying jobs we have always provided the people of West Virginia. In response to some of the inquiries made earlier I’d like to introduce our safety officer, County Agent Hank Kimball. He has a prepared statement that should answer all your questions.”

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Recent reports of huge flesh-eating amphibians living downstream from Freedom Industries have been ridiculed by public officials as being “flights of fancy” dreamed up by drunken fishermen

Mr. Kimball then took the podium and began a long and disorganized monologue about storage tanks, river water, and former Senator Robert Byrd. “We don’t know how much of the chemical spilled into the river, because we don’t know how much leaked out of the storage tank, and we really are not sure how much was in the tank to begin with,” said Kimball. “We don’t know a hell of a lot about the chemical in question, and don’t know why toxic substances were stored in massive decrepit tanks that appear to be suspended directly above the region’s only source of drinking water, the Elk River.” Mr. Kimball paused to wipe some pink sputum off his chin and then continued, “We do know that 4-methylcyclohexane helps us produce the high quality coal this country depends on to heat up the entire planet and make places like the Arctic Circle warmer and more inhabitable. I think we can all agree that is a good thing. We have made some calls to the company that produces the chemical, and sometime next week we should be able to shed more light on when it may be safe to drink the water again. Thank you very much for your patience.”

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The last environmental group that ventured into West Virginia met with difficulties at the hands of the locals

Environmental advocates such as Greenpeace have for years warned of the damage done to the ecology of West Virginia by the coal industry but solid evidence has been hard to come by because entry into the region has been blocked by right-wing militias and groups of thugs hired by “Big Coal.” The last group of conservationists that entered the state and came out alive was in 1972, and even that group suffered one fatality. “It’s a really sad situation,” said Luna Willow, a representative of “Save the Mountaintops,” an environmentalist organization dedicated to preventing coal companies from literally reducing entire mountains to lifeless moonscapes. “I hope that this spill serves as a wake-up call to all Americans. If we don’t start taking care of our environment all of us will be drinking foaming agent just like the citizens of West Virginia.”

In November of last year West Virginia Attorney General filed a brief with the Supreme Court against the EPA regarding implementation of the Clean Air Act. Furthermore, Senator Joe Manchin has stated in the past that EPA regulations are unfairly hurting Appalachian coal mining.

Bill O’Reilly Laments Downfall of Western Civilizaton at the Hands of Personal Freedom

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NEW YORK-We here at the Times-Picayune could not let the week pass without reporting the latest abomination to spew from the lips of Fox News talking head and pompous ass Bill O’Reilly. O’Reilly is well-known for being vehemently against change of any sort. However, on Monday night Billy gave up all pretense of acting like a rational being as he sounded the clarion call for elderly white people the world over to take action against the deadly combination of personal freedom and technological progress.

O’Reilly began by blasting “the liberal media” for making pot glamorous and continued from there: “Teens using marijuana before the age of 18 are far more likely to develop psychosis, and one in six children who try pot will become addicted.” His lordship continued, “For more bad news, combine the drug aspect with the Internet. 33% of teenagers send more than 100 text messages a day and 66% say that their parents have imposed no rules regarding texting.”

O’Reilly concluded this chapter of his paranoid fantasy by saying “Young people in America are combining drugs, alcohol, and high-tech to build false lives and run away from reality. This is an epidemic that will lead to a weaker nation; anyone who tells you different is lying to you.”

But O’Reilly was not satisfied with warning us about this weird combination of supposed “threats” to our republic. Taking a page from Glenn Beck’s playbook he artfully weaved a conspiratorial tapestry of pseudo science, revisionist history, and wishful thinking into a horror so great that it would cause H.P. Lovecraft to cower in root cellar.

O’Reilly’s theory centers around the malevolent effects on society caused when personal freedom is combined with technological advancement. He believes that the synergy created by these two evil trends will in the end precipitate a cultural Armageddon from which there is no escape. O’Reilly zeroes in on the invention of the printing press in Germany by Gutenberg in 1450 (China was 400 years ahead of us) as being the single most destructive event in the history of western civilization.

“It allowed the spread and growth of literacy throughout Europe, a privilege that had rightly been reserved for representatives of the church,” said O’Reilly. “When ‘the folks’ started to learn how to read and slowly began to gain knowledge, serfdom was doomed, and the power of the Catholic Church began to deteriorate. It was only a matter of time until feudalism, a time-tested and church-approved way of life, was history.” At this point O’Reilly had to pause and wipe a tear from his eye.

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The steam locomotive was cited by O’Reilly as being a particularly evil invention as it “allowed people to travel anywhere they damn well pleased at minimal expense.”

O’Reilly composed himself and continued, “You see folks, increased knowledge walks hand in hand with a desire for liberty. More liberty and personal freedom breeds even more knowledge and with it comes technological innovation. It’s a hellish combination that causes a veritable avalanche of societal development that precipitates a ‘runaway freight train’ of progress.”

O’Reilly paused for effect as translucent nictitating membranes closed over his eyes. Then he said, “Progress in society inevitably makes reactionary sticks-in-the-mud such as you and me irrelevant. I have come to the conclusion that there is no hope for people like us.” At this point, obviously depressed and shaking uncontrollably, O’Reilly had to be helped off the set by his roommate and celibate life-partner Pat Buchanan.

Shortly after the conclusion of the broadcast, 911 operators across the United States were swamped by calls from predominately white nursing homes as thousands of O’Reilly viewers attempted suicide.

Chris Christie Denies Knowledge Of Aides Plans To Dynamite The George Washington Bridge

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TRENTON-At a press conference earlier today New Jersey Governor and GOP presidential hopeful Chris Christie denied any prior knowledge of his aides’ plans to dynamite the George Washington Bridge in the event of a Christie defeat in last year’s gubernatorial race.

“I am absolutely shocked to discover that any of my staff would be so vindictive,” said Christie. “We in the Republican Party have always been champions of the working class, and the destruction of the George Washington Bridge would have caused monetary loss to many of our citizens who commute to work every day in New York. It also would have caused a real hassle for some of my wealthy donors who don’t yet own helicopters, and more than likely would have had a negative impact on my presidential aspirations. All in all I think it was a bad idea.”

The crisis in the Christie administration was brought about by the recent publication of text messages and emails exchanged between two of Christie’s aides. The aides involved in the scandal are both childhood friends of Christie and have been part of his political team from the very beginning, when he ran his first campaign for student body president at Livingston High School.

The aides in question, Sylvio “The Baby Crusher” Soldano and Joey “Sausage Maker” Scarfo, were apparently worried about a Christie loss in the 2013 gubernatorial campaign despite an over 20 point lead in pre-election polls. Not being individuals who take losing lightly, the two concocted extensive plans for revenge on political figures who did not endorse Governor Christie, as well as their respective districts.

Fort Lee and its mayor, Mark Sokolich, were singled out as prime targets for retribution because Sokolich endorsed Democrat Barbara Buono over Christie in the general election which took place on November 5th. Fort Lee is also known as a “hotbed” for Democrat support, as are hundreds of other towns in New Jersey.

According to recently obtained transcripts of emails and text messages, in the event of a Buono victory, Soldano and Scarfo planned to first block all traffic and then use two tons of plastic explosives to demolish the New Jersey side of the bridge. They also had plans to detonate a Cold War era neutron bomb in the center of Fort Lee.

During questioning by the FBI, Soldano admitted that “We wanted to use the neutron device because it causes maximum loss of life while preserving most of the buildings and infrastructure so that they could be used by a friendly administration four years from now. Going with the neutron bomb would have allowed us to ‘take care of’ all those Buono voters without having to spend a bunch of dough on new construction contracts. We just thought of it as a slight ‘modification’ of the New Jersey landscape.”

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Artist’s rendering of Fort Lee after Soldano’s proposed “modifications”

After a half-hearted apology to Mayor Sokolich and the people of Fort Lee, Governor Christie closed the press conference by defending the actions of his long time aides. “Joey and Sylvio have been loyal team players for as long as I can remember. Sure, sometimes they go a little bit overboard, like the time they ‘disappeared’ my competition for student body president at UD, but they really are generous, fun-loving guys once you get to know them. I promise the good people of New Jersey and this great nation that I’ll give them a ‘good talking to’ about showing more discretion when using electronic communication devices.”

In response to a reporter’s question as he left the dais, Governor Christie vehemently denied persistent rumors that Scarfo had made kielbasa out of former New Jersey Secretary of Agriculture Vinnie Calzone, who has been missing for over six months.

Sunshine State Shocker: Federal Law Enforcement Authorities Manage To Do Something Useful

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ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”

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Marcus “Tyrannus” Paella, Obersturmfuhrer and trailer owner

The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”

Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

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Christopher “Scrotum Face” Brooks

The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”

After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.

“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

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Richard “Swamp Nazi” Stockdale

Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.

Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

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Diane “Hepatitis C” Stevens

According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.

The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and  railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.

Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Satan To Erect New Monument In Oklahoma City

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oklahomastatehouse

THE RIVER STYX-Exasperated by Bible Belt politics and an “overall lack of respect,” Satan has decided to erect a series of child-friendly monuments and statues of himself around the country, beginning in the very heart of Christendom, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. At a press conference just outside the Gates of Hell, Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar addressed a group of journalists and a sizable gathering of the legions of the damned.

“His Majesty Prince Lucifer feels that he has not been getting enough positive and uplifting press exposure lately. The recent actions of Kim Jong-un and Bashar Assad, as well the abhorrent behavior of Lord Satan’s disciples over at the Westboro Baptist Church, are really hurting our media image. These new monuments and statues are designed to fight all the bad press we have been getting for what seems like eons. Our Lord Mephistopheles has always had a weak spot for children, so the monuments will be designed so that the little darlings will be able to sit in his marble lap for photo ops.”

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Artist’s rendering of Satan’s new child-friendly monument design

Working through his loyal followers at the New York-based Satanic Temple, Lucifer unveiled the basic design for the new monuments on Monday. The design was submitted by a New York sculptor as part of a contest held this fall. The contest was open to all artists regardless of religious affiliation. “We did not want to face criticism that we were biased in favor of members of our own sect,” said Lord Balthazar. “We are an equal opportunity organization.”

Minos, Judge of the Dead, led a panel of distinguished personalities that made the final design decision. It included such luminaries as Dionysus, Keres, Asmodeus, and Harvey Keitel. The coveted first prize for the winning design included $100,000 in gold bullion, an all-expense-paid weekend in Vegas, a lifetime free pass at any location of Lucifer’s new chain of Asian massage parlors, and of course the prestige accrued as designer of what will no doubt become a tourist destination for millions of souls.

There are some obstacles to overcome before the monument can be placed at the Oklahoma statehouse, however. Although a monument listing the Ten Commandments sits on Capitol grounds now, having been installed in 2012, government officials and members of the Oklahoma Capitol Preservation Commission have steadfastly refused to allow any other religious group to erect a monument.

“We ain’t gonna let nobody start putting up false idols,” said Billy Bob McSneed, a state representative from Turdflip, Oklahoma. “Those crazy Hindus and Mooselems done already had their monuments rejected, and I’ll be gall-darned if we let the Devil put one up! We are hard workin’ and God fearin’ folks out here and we just ain’t gonna stand for any religious freedom. It just ain’t Christian.”

Lord Balthazar said that the Prince of Darkness was well aware of the obstacles involved in erecting the monument. However, he said that “Lord Satan has numerous friends in the Oklahoma State Legislature, as well as on the Federal Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals. It may take a while, and cost us a few favors, but we’ll get ‘er done.”

Indiana Lynn And The Trailer Of Doom

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FRANKLIN-This time of year, the hubbub of bowl games, the NSA’s latest abominations, and Fox News’ continuing obsession with Obamacare can easily drown out really interesting news items. However, we here at the Times-Picayune like to keep our loyal readers informed. One such news story concerns Ms. Bonita Lynn Vela of Franklin, Indiana. Ms. Vela, an amateur vivisectionist specializing in home castration techniques, was arrested after she apparently attempted the impromptu emasculation of an unwilling participant.

The alleged victim was the boyfriend of one of her female spawn. For obvious reasons the gentleman prefers to remain anonymous. It seems that after smoking a small quantity of what must have been some excellent weed, Ms. Vela became a little suspicious of her potential son-in-law’s activities, and like any red-blooded American mom, she took decisive action.

According to reports Vela lured the unsuspecting dude to her trailer where she and two henchmen detained him for over three hours. During this “unlawful confinement” Ms. Vela used “enhanced interrogation techniques” to determine whether the gentleman had attempted to molest her two-year old son or had in any way “messed with her daughter.”

The unfortunate victim vehemently denied any such activity, which is quite understandable considering Ms. Vela was threatening to remove or at the very least disfigure his manhood. He told deputies that he then heard the question feared by men around the world: “Your penis or your life, which will it be?”

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Ms. Vela seen here after approximately seven days without sleep

After pondering his options for a few moments Mr. X decided on life. At that point Ms. Vela used a box-cutter obtained at a nearby Dollar Store to slice his penis with a “masterful diagonal stroke showing great skill and dexterity,” according to Henchman “A.” Henchman “B” added, “Bonita has practiced many long hours and put in as much work perfecting her craft as a Samurai warrior. She really is a pleasure to observe. It’s like poetry in motion.”

Mr. X was then released and told to “have a nice day.”

After neighbors in the “Abandon All Hope RV Park” complained to the sheriff’s department of “unusually loud screams, even for this place” deputies arrived at the scene. When questioned, Vela admitted to smoking a little pot, but could not remember if she had consumed any other drugs in the immediate past.  She also admitted that she had “a little come-to-Jesus” meeting with her daughter’s boyfriend.

Ms. Vela was swiftly arrested and transported to the Johnson County Detention Center where she was interrogated by Chief Inspector Pagan Morse, Detective Harry “Snapper” Organs (on loan from Q Division), and Cardinal Fang, liaison officer from the Vatican. Ms. Vela freely admitted that she masterminded the abduction and “interview” of Mr. X. She also admitted that she used some “unorthodox procedures,” but that they were required given the circumstances.

“After the fork failed to draw blood, I had to opt for the box-cutter, said Vela. “I want that S.O.B. to think of me every time he becomes aroused.”

Inspector Morse then suggested that if Mr. X thought of her first, the poor guy would never get aroused again.

Ms. Vela has been charged with battery with a deadly weapon, criminal confinement with a deadly weapon, and failure to comprehend any concepts beyond a third-grade level.

Jang Song Thaek Wins Gold Medal and Sets New North Korean Endurance Record

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PYONGYANG-Jang Song Thaek, uncle of Kim Jong-Un, North Korea’s “Dearest Most Compassionate Empathetic Loving Leader,” managed to stay alive a full sixty minutes before succumbing to wounds suffered during his recent lengthy execution. Jang was thus awarded the coveted gold medal for “Endurance During an Execution Before Expiration.” The medal was awarded posthumously and will proudly be placed on the wall of his widow’s hovel.

A sportswriter for the Pyongyang Daily Bugle told us that the method of execution was critical for Jang’s successful bid for the record. “It appears that Jang was stripped naked and slowly ripped to pieces by starving Alsatian canines,” said the reporter, whose name is being withheld lest he be fed alive to driver ants imported from Africa. Jang’s competition consisted of several aides and close associates, but none could match his impressive sixty minute survival time. “Jang showed great strength and courage, along with nimble feet for a man his age,” said the reporter. But there were a few dissenting voices on the peninsula.

“There have been a few complaints, anonymous of course, that Jang had an unfair advantage and should not hold the endurance record on top of winning the gold,” said the reporter. “For example, past winners of the gold were obliterated with anti-aircraft guns, fired out of cannons, or immolated with napalm. How could they be expected to compete with being slowly dismembered by dogs? Some believe that there should be a totally different category of execution competition solely dedicated to being eaten alive by ravenous animals.”

Guard dog, Alsation, aggressive dog, Alsation guard dog barking and straining at the leash. Image shot 2010. Exact date unknown.

The use of huge starving dogs in an execution was praised by an appreciative North Korean public as being both “efficient and artistic”

However, no criticism of the event was voiced by the nearly 300 government officials who witnessed the competition. “Our Dearest Blessed Compassionate Fair Kind Attractive Rebounding All-Star Point Guard Leader provided us with free Tsingtao and popcorn for the event,” said Pak Pong-ju, current Premier of Cabinet. “We could not have had a better time. It was a true pleasure seeing these shadowy political figures give their all in this glorious competition! Their hard work and dedication should be an example to all North Koreans.”

With the help of diplomat Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong-un has campaigned tirelessly to have various execution events included in the upcoming 2030 Winter Olympic Games to be held in Pyongyang, but so far the treasury has been unable to come up with the requisite bribe money for the Olympic Committee. It seems that budget constraints have interfered with the effort. “We have to keep our priorities in order,” said Kim. “Producing a rocket that can carry a nuclear payload more than five or six miles has to come first.”

Development of an accurate rocket that does not spontaneously combust on the launch pad or explode harmlessly over the Pacific Ocean has been a problem due to the high mortality rate of foreign-educated North Korean missile technicians. “It takes a lot of cash to have these dudes trained and sneak them back in from Iran,” said Kim. However, the Glorious Rock Star Studmaster Kind Forgiving Leader has announced plans to cut back on the “overly generous” food rations provided to the North Korean citizenry, thus allowing the treasury to come up with enough funds to achieve both goals.