Obama Vows To Destroy Country One Last Time Before Inauguration

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obama444

 

WASHINGTON – At a press conference earlier today President Obama pledged to destroy the country one last time before turning over the reigns of power to Donald Trump, the first illiterate person to be elected President of the United States.

“I just want to make sure I leave this fucking place in the same shape I found it in,” said an emotional Obama.

The President did not specify what form this last orgy of destruction would take, but White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters later that it would be one of the President’s more creative efforts.

“He may alter the path of a large asteroid and have it impact at the geographical center of the lower 48, or he could cause huge tidal waves to hit both the east and west coasts simultaneously,” said a smiling Earnest. “Hell, he may even order our submarines to launch their Trident II missiles and wipe out every major city in America, you just never know with Barry.”

Experts from around the country say that this will mark the 47th time Obama has “completely destroyed America.”

Professor Hikita of the Banzai Institute told CNN that the variety of methods Obama has used in the past is mind-boggling, and there’s no way to predict how he’ll destroy the country this time.

“The bastard provided health insurance to poor people one time, then he orchestrated a deadly agreement with the Iranians that guaranteed we would all die of radiation poisoning another time,” said Hikita. “Then there was the time he rounded up all the Christians in Texas and sentenced them to live the rest of their lives in forced labor camps under WalMart Supercenters. He’s diabolical!”

The crescendo of doom is expected to begin sometime this evening and continue until the swearing-in ceremony tomorrow morning, leaving little time for many of us to live.

Sara Palin told Fox News that our only hope lies in the good and honorable man we’ve elected to be our next president.

“God has sent Donald Trump to save America, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” said Palin, as she injected 1/2 a gram of methamphetamine into a pulsating vein in her temple. “Trust in Jesus and everything will be just fine.”

 

COOTER ADDRESSES THE FAKE NEWS EPIDEMIC

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Matt Kincade's avatarThe Mud Lake Proboscis

By Cooter Jackson, editor in chief

MUD LAKE, NV—Greetings friends. Cooter here.

I’m here today to discuss with you a very serious topic, one which has far reaching consequences for the future of our democracy, and of our very fate as a species. The Lizard People? No. The Mole Men? No. The Xarthax confederation? No, not today. I’m talking about the scourge of fake news.

I know what you’re thinking: Cooter, say it ain’t so! Surely the world is a basically honest place. Surely all journalists and news organizations hold themselves to the same high standards as the Mud Lake Proboscis! Surely the fourth estate of this great nation feels the immense weight of this sacred responsibility upon its shoulders, surely all journalists hold The Truth to be sacred above all else, and give that truth to the people, even if it’s bitter, unpleasant, boring, or unflattering to sponsors.

I’m…

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Whoopsiedangleplop Highlights of Thur/Fri am 5-6th January 2017

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Inchy's avatarInchie Today

4thur07a1

0230hrs: Woke with Little Inchy bleeding merrily away. Decided to add the bloodied clothing to the laundry bag and go down to the laundry room, and get the washing done straight away.

During which I managed to knock my head on the top left-hand corner of the dryer, cut my finger of the cracked metal on the filter cage, trap my finger between the door and the sink cupboard and bang my elbow on the sink drain corner.

a24thur05

Noticed one of the chairs had gone missing in the foyer.

You can see the fading on the carpet where it once stood.

It reappeared later in the day?

The only highlight of the day was I got to visit Olive before I went out. She was not very well, and was now waiting further surgery. I love that woman.

a3

4thur12Caught the bus to the clinic. Where the investigating medical team, as they got…

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Weather Channel Anchor Tells Viewers In Southeast To Update Their Wills

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weatherchannel

 

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Early this afternoon Weather Channel anchor and crazed lunatic Jim Cantore advised viewers in the southeastern United States to be sure that their wills were updated before Winter Storm Helena hits this evening.

“I can’t stress this enough: many of you people are fucking doomed,” said a gleeful Cantore.

“This storm packs quite a punch and it could be days for we dig out. If you’re old or infirm your best bet is to make sure your life insurance is paid up and your will is updated. You wouldn’t want your kids to have to pay to have you buried or cremated when the authorities finally find your decaying body, now would you?” said the maniacal meteorologist.

Jim Cantore Weather Channel meteorologist

In 2005 Cantore refused to leave his bathtub for a week after some minor flooding along the Chattahoochee River failed to kill thousands as he had predicted.

This isn’t the first time Cantore has lost his small mind during an extreme weather event. In 2010 the foreboding forecaster was treated for scrotal frostbite after coming unhinged and stripping off all his clothing during a thundersnow event.

Cantore closed his segment by advising viewers that were already feeling a little post-holiday depression to go ahead an commit suicide now in order to avoid the pain involved in freezing to death or skidding under a tanker truck, causing it to explode and slowly burning alive.

 

 

 

 

 

European Space Agency Accelerates Mars Landing Project

Posted in politics by

donald-trump-wins-graphic

 

PARIS – European Space Agency CEO Johann-Dietrich Worner told a reporter for Rocket Fuel Today magazine this morning that the organization is teaming with the China National Space Administration in order to move up dates for a manned landing on Mars.

“Recent events in the United States have really put a fire under our ass,” said Worner. “For years we’ve been trying to drag those people across the Atlantic into the modern age, and let me tell you, it’s been an uphill battle. We’re done. It’s time to get the hell out of here.”

Worner said that with the help of the Chinese a manned landing could be achieved as soon as 2022, with colonization beginning shortly thereafter.

In a prepared statement, CNSPA Administrator Xu Dahze told the international press that he looked forward to working with his friends in Europe and had high hopes of getting the majority of his people safely off the planet before “all hell breaks loose.”

“Americans crazy as fuck,” said Dahze. “Time to get our butts off this rock.”

According to the article in RFT, both parties are anxious to get as much done before Inauguration Day because “no one really knows what the hell is going to happen after that.”

 

Brick Top To Lead Clinton Poll Watching Team

Posted in politics by

bricktop66

 

PITTSBURGH – (CT&P) – Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters this morning that Brick Top has been tapped to lead the campaign’s poll watching team on Tuesday.

“We’re pleased to announce that Brick Top has accepted the recently created position of poll watching Czar for the Clinton campaign,” said Mook.

“His duties will include overseeing the work of thousands of volunteers across the country tasked with making sure no Trumpkins try to interfere with or intimidate minority voters as they exercise their constitutional right to decide who they want to rule over them.”

Brick Top himself gave a brief statement at London’s Heathrow Airport as he hurried to board a flight to New York to meet with Clinton campaign officials over the weekend.

Asked by a reporter what he intended to do to any Trumpkins caught trying to interfere with the election, Brick Top replied, “Well, you’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.

bricktop13

So far reporters have been unable to confirm rumors swirling around the Clinton campaign that a farm in western New York has been leased for the month of November.

“Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig.'”

When a reporter pointed out that what he was planning might not conform with current election laws in the United States, Brick Top told him, “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off!

“You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Brick Top is scheduled to arrive this evening at LaGuardia Airport where he will be met by longtime Clinton supporter Harvey “The Wolf” Keitel.

Reports that a Clinton aide has placed an order for five thousand baseball bats could not immediately be confirmed by sources close to the campaign.

 

 

 

Poll: Village Idiots Breaking For Trump

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villageidiot1

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – According to the latest Washington Post-ABC News Tracking Poll, village idiots across the United States are breaking for Donald Trump. Clinton and Trump are all but tied according to the poll, and pundits believe that this trend among undecided village idiots, morons, and imbeciles could very well determine the outcome of the election.

The tracking poll finds little shift in Clinton’s overall support following news of the FBI’s renewed look at Clinton emails, but strong enthusiasm among her supporters fell behind Trump in combined Saturday and Sunday interviews.

villageidiot666

Vince Snetterton-Lewis, a village idiot from Panama City, Florida, says he supports Trump because he’ll make him great again like before his accident.

By 53 to 43 percent, more Trump supporters, who tend to be poorly educated simpletons, say they are “very enthusiastic” about him, compared with Thursday and Friday when Trump’s edge was negligible (53 percent vs. 51 percent).

“Clinton backers are slipping behind in enthusiasm even though Democrats have an edge in early voting,” said Merideth Bullsmegma, who manages the poll for ABC News.

“This presents a clear opportunity for Trump, if somehow his supporters are able to find their respective polling places.”

Bullsmegma cited reports that many potential Trump voters are wandering aimlessly around cities and towns complaining that they can’t find where to vote because they have ‘pieces of brain lodged in their heads’.

“If the RNC can somehow get these schmucks to the polls, and convince them that the voting machines won’t hurt them, then Trump could pull off the upset,” said a nervous Bullsmegma.

“If that happens, then God help us all.”

Poll: Most Mentally Deficient Americans Think Election Is Rigged

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Monty Python

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A new SurveyLizard/Washington Post poll released today has found that the vast majority of mentally challenged Americans now believe that the presidential election is rigged against Republican candidate Donald Trump.

The poll, taken over a period of three days, found that 99% of idiots, 86% of imbeciles, and 71% of morons are convinced that shadowy forces beyond their control are deciding the election in Hillary Clinton’s favor.

“Some respondents said that it was the media, others said it was the Republican and Democratic establishment, and still others told us that a secretive cabal of international Jewish financiers and Freemasons were to blame,” said Dick Passwater, who managed the poll for SurveyLizard. “The dumbest of the dumb even said that it was a combination of all of the above entities plus some influential space aliens.”

“One interesting result of the poll was that the higher on the IQ scale you went, the less likely the participants were to think that the election results were going to be tampered with,” said Passwater.

Azalia Snail of the Post agreed saying, “The lower the IQ, the more likely these poor bastards were to believe in this ridiculous conspiracy theory. I mean, you have to be pretty childlike to believe that 3144 counties and parishes in the United States could cooperate with the Illuminati or anyone else in order to steal the election from Trump.

“It’s much more likely that the GOP has chosen a toxic orange douche of a candidate whose ideas are so repulsive to most Americans that he’s fucking up his own candidacy and wrecking the entire Republican Party.”

 

Creepy Clown Sighting At Presidential Debate

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trumpclown

LAS VEGAS – (CT&P) – The reports to the police have one thing in common with the circus act involving an improbable number of clowns emerging from a small car.

They just keep coming, and coming, and coming, across multiple states. Clowns in vans. Clowns in the woods. Clowns lurking in the shadows. Clowns chasing people or doing crimes.

But no one expected the rash of creepy clown sightings would affect the presidential election.

After Hillary Clinton took the stage last night in Las Vegas at the third and final debate, a giant clown dressed in an imported suit, ridiculously long tie, and covered in orange grease paint emerged and stood behind the opposition podium. The clown was wearing what seemed to be a dead fox on his head.

“It was really creepy,” said Executive Director of the Commission on Presidential Debates Janet Brown.

“We have no idea where the clown came from. He obviously had no political experience or debating skills. We think he was there just to create chaos. One thing’s for sure, almost everyone was disgusted by his weird, nonsensical statements.”

The clown remained on stage and continually interrupted both the moderator and his opponent. As the debate wore on he became more and more incoherent as his blood pressure rose and his skin began to glow like a nuclear fuel rod.

After the debate the clown was seen getting into a large SUV and departing the venue.

The first reports of unusual orange clown sightings surfaced last summer with stories that the costumed figures were offering women money to lure them into the woods or were lingering in places while spouting hatred about immigrants and Muslims.

The orange clown sightings are apparently unconnected with sightings of average everyday clowns claimed in at least six other states: Alabama, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, North Carolina and Pennsylvania.

Trump Supporters Eagerly Await Arrival Of Comet

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comet

 

Greensboro, N.C. – (CT&P) – During what pundits described as his most unhinged speech to date, Donald Trump told supporters today to prepare for the arrival of a comet which would “Make the Galaxy Great Again.”

28 Mar 1997 --- Video of Marshall Herff Applewhite --- Image by © Brooks Kraft/Sygma/Corbis

Trump surrogate Marshall Applewhite Jr told CNN that in the coming weeks instructions will be provided to Trump supporters about how they can catch a ride to a racially pure fatherland.

Trump said the comet was discovered by amateur astronomer Marvin Schicklegruber of Forlorn Hope, Mississippi, who named it Trump-Pence in honor of his heroes on the Republican ticket.

“This is the biggest, best, most beautiful comet that ever came out of the Oort Cloud,” said Trump.

Mr Trump explained that the comet will appear in the heavens the week before the election, portending his victory over ‘Crooked Hillary’ and a secretive international cabal of bankers, Jews, women, educated people, immigrants, space aliens, establishment Republicans, dermatologists, and Paul Ryan who have all banded together to say very very horrible things about him and imply that he was not perfect.

Mr. Trump told excited supporters that the comet would usher in a new era in the solar system and eventually the entire Milky Way galaxy.

“Comet Trump-Pence is going to make the universe great again!” said Mr. Trump to a large crowd of poorly educated rednecks.

trumpsneakers

Applewhite told Wolf Blitzer that Trump fans could go to the campaign website and purchase special Trump sneakers, cups, and grape flavored Kool-Aid for use on November 9th when it will be time to join cosmic Aryans on the Mothership.

“In the coming weeks we’ll have instructions for all you loyal supporters regarding the comet,” said Trump, “but for now we’d like you all to buy alien abduction insurance to be on the safe side. On the way out of the auditorium please stop at the tables marked ‘Trump Risk Management’ and sign up. We have plans to fit every income.”

Appearing later on CNN senior adviser to the Trump Campaign Marshall Applewhite Jr told viewers more about the comet that Trump claims will bring change.

“Right now you can’t see the comet because it’s hiding behind Pluto,” said a visibly agitated Applewhite. “But when it gets here we’re gonna get on board the Mothership that’s traveling in its tail. The Mothership will take us to a new planet where there are no minorities and only subservient women. There we’ll have plenty of lebensraum and we’ll sire a racially pure civilization that will make the galaxy great again!”

Despite multiple attempts, the existence of Trump-Pence has not been confirmed by any independent observatories anywhere in the world. However, since Republicans traditionally don’t give a flying fuck about science, that fact is unlikely to have any effect on Trump supporters.