Tag Archives: American Decency Association

Christian Right Joins Forces With Animists And Luddites To Fight “Voodoo Science”

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Ross McMakin, a native of Panama City Beach, has been hired as DAFT’s spokesman

WASHINGTON (CT&P) – Answers in Genesis, the American Family Association, Hobby Lobby Inc., and a primitive Amazon rain forest tribe have joined forces to combat the lies and “Voodoo Science” being spread by Neil deGrasse Tyson on his show Cosmos. They will be joined by the Flat Earth Society, the Amateur Gynecologist’s League, and the Mississippi River Wideners Club in an all out fight against reason and science for the hearts and minds of the American people.

The new organization, known as DAFT, held a press conference in Washington, D.C. earlier last month to voice their concerns. The newly appointed spokesman for the group, Ross McMakin of Philomath, Oregon, explained the goals of the organization to an eager crowd of journalists from around the country.

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Chief Fred wowed journalists with a primitive version of PowerPoint in order to get his point across

“DAFT has been formed to fight the heretics around the world that want to teach our kids lies about the nature of the universe and the age of the earth,” said McMakin. “The teachers and scientists that promote Satanic ideas like evolution, the ‘Big Bang,’ and photosynthesis cannot be allowed to drown out the voices of blind faith and adherence to archaic value systems.”

McKakin took a swig of Rebel Yell and then continued, “We intend to stamp out the influence of science and societal progress wherever it rears its ugly head!”

McKakin then yielded the podium to “Fred,” chief of an Amazon rain forest tribe living in the remote jungles of Brazil. Fred’s tribe, dubbed the Luddites by the Brazilian press, has lived happily in the tangled “green hell” and fever-ridden swamps of triple-canopy rain forest for centuries.

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“Fred” took advantage of the trip to D.C. to jet over to East Africa and visit relatives and fellow animists at a seaside resort

The Luddites exist without any type of modern convenience except for two dozen pair of Michael Jordan sneakers that fell out of  the luggage compartment of a commercial aircraft during the 1980’s. They hunt, fish, and party the same way their ancestors did at the dawn of human civilization. The Luddites have a strict moral and religious code that is characterized by the worship of inanimate objects and the enthusiastic ritual sacrifice of any hominids that are not of their tribe.

Their life expectancy is roughly 26 years of age.

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“Fred” had a big change of heart after being exposed to modern technology. He is seen here only two weeks after the press conference addressing the U.N. on the problem of deforestation.

Although “Fred” could only communicate verbally with a complicated jumble of guttural grunts and high-pitched clicking sounds, he used a sand table and a stick to try to get his point across. “Fred” drew a picture of the earth circling the sun and then crossed it out and urinated on it. Then he erased the flawed conceptual piece and proceeded to draw the sun circling the earth. After he finished he smiled and grabbed his private parts while nodding his head up and down.

Journalists in attendance seemed to grasp the point “Fred” was making and were eager to ask questions of the newly appointed spokesman Mr. McMakin, since no one had the patience to wait around for another of “Fred’s” masterpieces.

A reporter from Skeptic Magazine asked McMakin, “Look, what I am curious about is that you folks reject the findings of scientists on several fronts such as the age of the universe, evolution, and climate change, but you are perfectly willing to use the tools that scientists have provided us with such as improved health care, computers, smart phones, etc. It seems you folks want to ‘cherry pick’ science for what is useful to you and your religion and trash the rest. Are you guys just insecure or what? What’s up with that?”

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Not everyone agrees with DAFT’s stance on science and technology. Chief Franklin of the “What’s Happening Now” tribe, who live in on the next block over from the Luddites, says Fred “is so full of shit his eyes are brown.”

At this point McMakin abruptly ended the press conference giving the excuse that he was late for a spousal abuse party and had to go pick up his girlfriend. “Fred” seemed willing to stay as he was enjoying the air-conditioned building and the free mimosas but the reporters expressed no further interest, so everyone left.

It remains to be seen what effect if any DAFT will have on public education or insightful and informative television shows such as Cosmos. As Thomas Huxley famously said:

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.

 

 

 

 

 

Satan Expands Snack Food Empire With Acquisition Of Honey Maid

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V.P. of Acquisitions Demon Jay Gould appeared on Fox to explain Beelzebub’s reasons for purchasing Honey Maid

THE RIVER STYX (CT&P) – Satan has just enlarged his already expansive snack food empire with the acquisition of Honey Maid Products, Inc., manufacturers of the premier line of graham cracker snacks in the world today. “We wanted to get more market share of the all important ‘untainted children’s souls demographic,” said Demon Jay Gould (1836-1892), V.P. of Acquisitions for Mephistopheles Holding, Inc. “We think we can better influence kids by dominating the elementary and pre-school lunchbox market. With any luck we can convince young kids to accept the gay lifestyle, marry outside their race, or maybe even become serial killers or mass murderers. Hell, we already dominate the Devil’s food cookie industry, so this purchase made perfect sense,” said Demon Gould.

The acquisition was apparently triggered by Honey Maid’s advertisement which tacitly approved of the gay lifestyle, and the unhinged reaction to it by right-wing religious groups. The commercial in question depicts “abominable and malevolent” gay and interracial couples as being normal and wholesome.

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Gould told Neil Cavuto that contrary to all the negative propaganda being spewed by the ADA, the Lord of the Underworld loves little kids and they love him

The American Family Association and the American Decency Association reacted with fear and loathing to Honey Maid’s radical position that everyone should be treated the same. A rambling and nearly incoherent statement about God, Satan, smores, and camping was posted on the ADA website and both groups vowed to boycott Honey Maid.

“When I think of graham crackers I think of the camping I may do this summer and the smores I may eat around the campfire,” said the statement. “Apparently Nabisco and I have a fondness for different things now…Nabisco wants to change definitions like family and wholesome.”

“Satan wants us to see sin as normal and not so bad,” said the group. “He delights in taking what God has made good and changes it, counterfeits it, and makes it something to please himself instead of the Creator. The fallen one desires men to see themselves as gods, answerable to no one but themselves.”

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Satan felt the time was right to expand his line of snack food items and re-brand them under the new name “Prince of Darkness Fine Foods”

“We at the American Decency Association believe that things should never change and society should be held in stasis, by force if necessary. If the American people do not have the good sense to behave the way we want, then by God they should be made to at the point of a gun.”

Although the statement on the American Decency Association’s website was apparently written by a mentally challenged sixth grader trying to impress his pastor, the reaction has been the topic of numerous columns on both conservative and liberal sites.

The “fallen one” was not available for immediate comment as he was attending a Republican Governor’s Association shindig hosted by  Sheldon Adelson in Las Vegas. However, Demon Gould appeared on the Neil Cavuto Show on Fox and flatly denied any desire to change definitions or make men into gods.

“I don’t know where these freaks come up with this shit Neil,” said Demon Gould. They blame everything on us. First it was the Asian tsunami, then the Haiti earthquake, and now they want to say that His Majesty actually wants to rewrite the dictionary? And what the fuck are they talking about with this ‘men into gods’ thing? There’s already one god too many in this miserable universe. What a bunch of kooks!”

 

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We were unable to contact the King of Hell personally because he was interviewing presidential hopefuls at the Republican Governor’s Association convention in Las Vegas

Demon Gould told Cavuto that “to tell you the truth, Honey Maid was not even on our radar screen until those nuts over at the ADA started ranting and raving about ‘gay friendly’ commercials. You would have thought Armageddon was around the corner. We were in a meeting considering options for consolidating our strangle hold on Disney and Starbucks when one of them aired, and the boss just said out of the blue, ‘Hey, what about those dudes over at Honey Maid? We haven’t made any inroads in the snack industry since Drake Foods came up with ‘Devil Dogs’ a few years back.'”

“The idea seemed like a sound one, and besides, you just don’t disagree with the Prince of Darkness. He’s run a successful business for one hell of a long time,” said Gould. “All we want to do is increase our market share, just like any other business, and the cooperation we have received from the Supreme Court lately is really going to help. It’s about time somebody realized that businesses have souls too!”

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Lucifer hopes to follow up on the success of Drake’s wildly popular children’s snack “Counterfeit Cupcakes” with Honey Maid’s new offering, “Satanic Smores”

Cavuto and Gould agreed that the proposed boycott of Honey Maid and Nabisco by religious zealots on the right will have about as much effect as a gnat on an elephant’s ass. “We won’t let these hateful groups have any effect on our plans for the acquisition of Honey Maid or any other business, for that matter,” said Gould. “We will just go on providing the high quality products that humans have become accustomed to receiving from our family of companies. It’s always been their choice as to where they place their trust.”