Tag Archives: ann coulter

Ann Coulter Vows To Feed At Least Twice In July

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LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – During an appearance on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher last night, conservative writer and ambulatory corpse Ann Coulter announced that on the advice of her physicians she would be consuming at least two meals during the month of July.

The announcement by Ms Coulter signals a radical departure from her normal diet, which consists of one feeding per month at most.

“My doctors told me that if I wanted to live and continue to spew the vile hatred that so many people on the right-wing have come to adore, I needed to up my calorie intake to at least that of a small child,” said Coulter.

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Ms Coulter appeared on Maher’s show to promote her new book, Why I Hate Poor People, and to show off photos from her upcoming spread in Playboy.

Ms Coulter’s long-time team of physicians, doctors Faustus, Mengele and Kevorkian from the international organization Doctors Without Morals, recommended the change during her check-up in early June.

“Eating is problematic for Ms Coulter for a variety of reasons,” said Dr. Anton Phibes, spokesman for the group.

“Ms Coulter must first envelope and suffocate her prey before she regurgitates a corrosive compound on the victim. Then she has to wait for up to 24 hours before the tissue breaks down and softens up enough for her to swallow the unrecognizable mass of protein. It’s a long process and she would much rather be spending her time making vicious attacks on the children of immigrants or poor people who don’t have health insurance.

“In the past Ms Coulter has come dangerously close to turning into some kind of mummified pupae of hatred. However, she’s assured us that she will make the recommended changes to her diet so she can continue to be the inhuman monster that so many conservatives worship.

Ms Coulter also told Maher that she was advised by her physicians that she should try to get laid every once in while because they felt it might help her improve her attitude and reduce the level of toxic bile residing in her dark soul.

 

Christie Proves He’s Got What It Takes To Be Republican Nominee

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Most right-wing pundits and political strategists  believe that because of his recent actions regarding the Ebola non-crisis in the United States, New Jersey governor and Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie has proven his bona fides and will become the frontrunner in the race for the nomination.

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Coulter became so excited during her appearance on Hannity’s show that she used up almost 80% of her available fat reserves and required intravenous fluids in order to remain conscious

Celebrated Republican strategist Karl Rove told Sean Hannity during an appearance on his show that Christie “proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he should be the frontrunner.”

“Governor Christie’s ability to deflect blame onto others during Bridgegate was positively Reaganesque, said Rove. “And by locking up that brave Ebola-fighting nurse he showed that he can act recklessly and with complete disregard for science, reason, and the opinions of experts. That’s exactly what we expect out of a Republican president. I think his future is bright indeed.”

Ann Coulter, rabid right wing pundit and concentration camp survivor, also appeared on Hannity’s show.

“Christie’s actions show a real lack of reasoning and restraint, and we’ve sorely missed that erratic and impulsive behavior over the last six years,” said Coulter. “His complete lack of compassion and empathy with health care workers desperately fighting to stop the Ebola epidemic shows that he can be a real prick and a giant horse’s ass, and that really turns me on!”

The nation’s most prominent horse’s ass, Bill O’Reilly, agreed with Rove and Coulter.

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America’s most prominent horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly told his decrepit viewers that “Christie has shown that he will act with reckless disregard for science and reason, and that makes him a candidate I can wholeheartedly support.”

O’Reilly told his elderly and weak-minded viewers that “I recognize a fellow horse’s ass when I see one, and Christie is one of the largest I’ve ever come across. Christie is a man who will act first and ask questions later, and that’s the kind of guy we need with his finger on the nuclear trigger.”

“I think Christie will be an articulate representative for our side in the upcoming election,” continued O’Reilly. “He’ll be able to express our policies of demonizing immigrants, gays, and poor black people in way that even the dumbest American will be able to relate to.”

The most recent polls of registered Republicans show that as a result of Christie’s recent hasty and uninformed decision-making, he has passed Texas Governor Rick Perry in popularity. Most of those being polled cited Perry’s low IQ as being a major stumbling block in the upcoming race. However, Perry continues to be the favorite among Tea Partiers and gun nuts.