Tag Archives: answers in genesis

Xenomorphs For Jesus Organization Files Libel Suit Against Ken Ham

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Claiming that Jesus came to LV-426 at least two decades before he visited earth, Frederick “Freddie the Face-Hugger” Falcone, president of the popular Xenomorphs For Jesus religious organization, told reporters that they planned on “suing the crap out of that dullard Ken Ham for his blasphemous article” on the Answers In Genesis website.

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President of Xenomorphs For Jesus “Freddie the Facehugger” Falcone appeared more than a little pissed off about the article Ken Ham published on Sunday

In the article which ran Sunday, creationist Ken Ham said that the U.S. space program is a waste of money because any alien life that scientists found would be damned to hell.

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life,” said the unhinged Ham.

Ham argued that “secularists are desperate to find life in outer space” as a part of their “rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution.”

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Falcone told reporters that Jesus was “patching up injured xenomorphs” twenty years before he began his ministry to the dinosaurs in Palestine

“Life did not evolve but was specially created by God, as Genesis clearly teaches. Christians certainly shouldn’t expect alien life to be cropping up across the universe,” he continued. “Now the Bible doesn’t say whether there is or is not animal or plant life in outer space. I certainly suspect not.”

But regardless of whether there was life in outer space, Ham asserted that it could not be truly “intelligent.”

“You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation,” he explained. “Jesus did not become the ‘GodKlingon’ or the ‘GodMartian’! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the ‘Godman’ as our Savior.”

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Falcone also told reporters that “Ham is one ugly son of a bitch, even for a human. He’d look a lot better with an infant attached to his face.”

“What  a load of horseshit!,” said Falcone, in response to Ham’s article. “This guy talks out of his ass all the time and some of you idiot humans are actually gullible enough to believe him. No wonder so many alien species view you guys as a bunch of hicks who only yesterday climbed down out of the trees.”

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Falcone spoke to reporters from Our Lady of the Dripping Saliva Christian Bookstore on LV-426

“How the hell could a guy with the IQ of a turnip make any assertions regarding intelligent life on other planets? And another thing, this dude should be limited to radio frequencies. I’ve seen better looking beings living in the swamps on Planet 10! I mean, what’s with that fucking beard?”

“What the hell is he mumbling about ‘GodKlingon, GodMartian, Godman? Has Kentucky issued this lunatic a driver’s license? God help the bastards that have to share the road with this moron.”

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Dr. Robert “Ugly Motherfucker” Bates, an orthodontist and founder of The Fellowship of Christian Predators, told Reuters that they also were preparing a lawsuit against Ham. “Jesus visited our home world over a century before he ever made to your wimpy-ass Milky Way Galaxy,” said Wilson.

“This village idiot Ham should realize that every fucking sentient being in the universe knows about evolution. Only a dumb ass would deny its existence,” said Falcone.

Falcone went on to tell reporters that Jesus had indeed visited LV-426 and had many followers there.

“At first we just thought, ‘Hey, what is that dude doing walking across that lake of liquid methane? Is he on dope or something?’ But then we started to take notice when it became apparent that he could breathe pure nitrogen and started turning rocks into edible protein paste for wedding parties.”

“But the clincher was when Our Lord survived having his chest busted by one of our infants after being cocooned for three days. I mean, he just popped up healthy as a horse! After that he began to get quite a following here, and is still quite popular today. There are more Christian churches on LV-426 than temples dedicated to Cthulhu, for example.”

When reached for comment, SETI spokesman Dr. Frank Black said “Ken Ham is an example of what happens to a dude when he loses his virginity at age 34 with an aboriginal prostitute. He’s a frustrated mental midget who craves attention. Ham is basically a modern-day snake oil salesman who preys on mentally deficient individuals by trying to convince them of things that are so bizarre as to be laughable.”

“One thing is for certain. We don’t have to worry about finding any intelligent life in Petersburg, Kentucky,” chuckled Dr. Black.

Since the lawsuits are just now being filed, no one can really predict which way they will go, but lawyers representing the two groups feel that given the current climate at the Supreme Court, any pro-Christian lawsuit, no matter how ridiculous, has a good chance of winning.

 

Creepy “Answers In Genesis” President Ken Ham Arrested At Denali National Park

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Ham, originally from Australia, is living proof of the dangers of legal immigration

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Huckster and insane person Ken Ham, of Answers in Genesis and Creation Museum fame, was arrested yesterday just outside Denali National Park. Ham was charged with indecent exposure and attempted destruction of public property. He is currently being held in an Anchorage detention facility while he awaits a psychiatric examination ordered by a circuit court judge.

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Ham is famous for wacked-out ideas, like the concept that dinosaurs and humans roamed the earth together.

Ham was apprehended while trying to escape after attempting to add his own footprints to dinosaur fossils found within the boundary of the park. The site, described as a “world-class” dinosaur track site shows that herds of duck-billed dinosaurs thrived under the midnight sun.

“We had mom, dad, big brother, big sister and little babies all running around together,” said paleontologist Anthony Fiorillo, who is studying the dinosaur tracks. “As I like to tell the park, Denali was a family destination for millions of years, and now we’ve got the fossil evidence for it.”

The discovery adds to Fiorillo’s growing conviction that dinosaurs lived at polar latitudes year-round during the Late Cretaceous Period, about 70 million years ago.”Even back then the high latitudes were biologically productive and could support big herds of pretty big animals,” said Fiorillo, curator of earth sciences at the Perot Museum of Nature and Science in Dallas.

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One of the most popular exhibits at the Creation Museum is the “Messiahraptor” ride, which features a slightly confused Christ figure cruising around a wooded area on the back of a T-Rex.

“This is definitely one of the great track sites of the world. We were so happy to find it,” Fiorillo said.

The muddy ground is so rumpled by footprints that the researchers were hard-pressed to pull out tracks from individual hadrosaurs. Instead, they counted each print and grouped them by size. The results were published June 30 in the journal Geology.

Ham, who has for years championed the ludicrous idea that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that men walked among the dinosaurs, was apparently either trying to destroy the fossils or add his own footprints to the fossil find.

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Ham first developed his disturbing theories during early puberty when he became obsessed with Raquel Welch after viewing One Million Years B.C. He still thinks the movie is “one of the best documentaries of all time.”

“We found him running around barefoot wearing a Speedo and a t-shirt that read, ‘God Hates Paleontologists,’ said Fiorillo. “At first we thought he was a drunken tourist or an escapee from a mental institution. However, one of my assistants from Kentucky recognized him and said, ‘Holy shit! That’s the moron the runs that stupid Creation Museum.’ That’s when we knew we had a potentially dangerous cretin on our hands. We immediately called the park police.”

Ham was apprehended about an hour later trying to exit the park on a unicycle, which he learned to ride as a child while performing in his parents’ traveling carnival and snake oil emporium.

Park police reported that Ham kept shouting “Darwin was wrong!” and “Fossils are the handiwork of Satan” as he was taken into custody.

Originally from Queensland, Australia, Ham has become the poster child for intelligent arguments against immigration. Many groups have advocated a thorough psychological screening and IQ testing before anyone is granted citizenship.

Ham will be handed over to federal authorities to await trial. He is thought to be too much of a danger to the mentally deficient in this country to be granted bail.