Tag Archives: anti-gay

Jesus And Satan Distance Themselves From Pat Robertson And Christian Right

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GENEVA-At a press conference held this morning in neutral Switzerland, the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace hastened to distance themselves from televangelist and right-wing kook Pat Robertson. Robertson’s unhinged tirade on his “700 Club” broadcast last week seems to have triggered the unprecedented joint press conference.

“We’re used to Pat foaming at the mouth and blaming every conceivable tragedy on us,” said Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar. “What made this time different was that Robertson managed to insult the leaders of both major religions as well as every sentient being in this galaxy with an IQ over 50.”

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Archangel Gabriel, one of Christ’s political advisors, suggested that Robertson may have suffered a stroke during the broadcast which could account for his irrational outburst

Robertson, winner of the coveted “Bigot of the Year Award” for 2013, went berserk on his show last Wednesday, ranting about Jesus having a part-time job in a bakery and recalling the “good old days” when gay people were stoned to death in the town square. Robertson informed his mainly elderly and infirm viewers that back in the “Golden Age” if “two men decided they wanted to cohabit together they would have been stoned to death.”

Robertson went on to rave, “So Jesus would not have baked them a wedding cake or nor would he have made them a bed to sleep in because they wouldn’t have been there.” Robertson went on to lament the current state of affairs in the United States where stoning is unfortunately against the law. “We don’t have that in this country so that’s the way it is.” Robertson wiped a tear from his eye before continuing; “homosexuality is a meaningless exercise because it doesn’t go anywhere.” At this point Phil Robertson (no biologic relation but a brother in hatred) of Duck Dynasty fame and a guest on the show, interjected: “Yeah Pat, that’s right! Besides, women have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

Robertson was not finished, however. He went on to insult Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, by stating “The Devil is trying to say, ‘I’m going to destroy your progeny any way I can. If you kill your babies, that’s fine. If you deny the chance of having babies (by being homosexual) then that’s fine too.'”

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Lucifer appeared in one of his less threatening guises in order to stress his cooperative nature

The leaders of the two major religious organizations in the known universe found Robertson’s tirade a little over the top and decided to hold the presser in order to make their positions clear.

A coin was flipped and Jesus won, so he went first.

“I just wanted to make it clear that all humans are equal in my eyes. Everyone is welcome regardless of race, creed, color, or sexual preference, and I’m really am tired of having to take so many antacids to fight off the nausea caused by ignorant and hateful statements made in my name. And another thing: I am a carpenter, not a freaking baker. I’d be lost in a bakery. I have absolutely no clue how to bake a wedding cake, for Heaven’s sake.”

Mephistopheles then approached the lectern to enthusiastic applause from the representatives of the press. He began: “Thanks guys! I just want to say that all this whining about not wanting folks to reproduce is a bunch of horse shit. I love kids and I really love the process that spawns them. Have you guys seen my new monument in  Oklahoma City? It’s one of the few child-friendly monuments in the United States. In fact, that “suffer the little children” line in the New Testament was originally mine. Matthew was always screwing up his quotes and attributions. The guy was a tax-collector for God’s sake, not a Jewish version of Homer.”

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The two charismatic leaders seemed happy to see each other in person and made time for a little male bonding

At this point Jesus interrupted and said, “OK, let’s stay on track here Lou. What both of us would like to make clear is that there is no room for intolerance in either the Divine or Satanic Parties. We don’t countenance bigotry or hatred in any of its myriad forms. Neither one of us could really give a damn what goes on in anyone’s bedroom. Marry who you want to. Just treat your partner with respect, that’s all we’re saying.”

“That’s right,” said the Devil. Prejudice and tribalism are downright counterproductive. We all have to live in this neck of the firmament, so why can’t we all just get along?”

The press conference ended with the two leaders shaking hands and promising a new era of bipartisanship between the parties.

Frustrated Arizona Senators Propose Legislation For Return To Rule By “Divine Right”

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PHOENIX-Republican state senators, frustrated by Governor Jan Brewer’s pragmatic veto of their bigoted anti-gay laws and desperate to stamp out societal progress in all its forms, are discussing proposals for legislation that would change the form of Arizona’s government. Yearning for the “good old days” of feudalistic society, the legislation would bring back a system where nobles (right wing politicians and bureaucrats in this case) and church officials would rule by divine fiat. The proposed laws would usher in a new “Dark Age” in Arizona and have been severely criticized by the more enlightened members of the legislature.

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The proposed legislation would bring back an improved and updated form of the Spanish Inquisition featuring “enhanced interrogation techniques” perfected by the Bush Administration

The legislative package is co-sponsored by Senator Phil Scrotum (R-Snaketown) and Senator Ralph Smegma (R-Bagdad), two politicians well-known for their reactionary views. The new system would allow the neo-nobility and representatives of the church to rule by “Divine Right.” The two groups would have weekly meetings and cooperate to issue edicts to the general population concerning all aspects of everyday life. The edicts would then be enforced by a huge contingent of armed thugs wearing stylish new uniforms adorned with symbols of the church.

“God hates fags and illegal immigrants,” said Senator Scrotum during a recent appearance on Glenn Beck’s radio program. “We can’t sit still for Brewer’s veto of our state-saving anti-gay legislation. She should not be governor anyway. It says quite clearly in the Bible that women are the ‘weaker vessel’ and should obey the men.”

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The new park in downtown Phoenix will be called “Chop Chop Square” and will feature toys and goodies for the kids and free books and short stories by Kafka and Dostoevsky for the adults

Senator Smegma, who was also on the show, said “Phil is right! God hates fags, illegal aliens, Injuns, drug users, poor people, black folks, liberals, climate scientists, evolutionary biologists, and just about everyone in the Pacific Northwest. He also wants women stay where they belong; at home raising the kids.” Senator Smegma seemed to lose his composure a bit at this point as he raised his voice and said “But most of all God hates Obamacare and MSNBC!”

An integral part of the new legislation involves instilling abject fear in the general population. “The good citizens of Arizona have to realize that we know what is best for them, and disobeying our commands will result in the most severe punishment. Therefore we intend to bring back public executions. We have plans to construct a new square in downtown Phoenix for just this purpose. It will feature refreshments for the kids and religious trinkets and reading material for the adults. We conducted an online poll and the consensus is that the guillotine would be the best method for dispatching evildoers and heretics,” said Senator Scrotum.

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Sheriff Joe Arpaio won the design contest for Arizona’s new guillotine

Glenn Beck was mightily impressed by the plans and expressed his enthusiasm several times during the broadcast. “I really think you guys are on the right track! Have you sought any guidance from fanatical religious scholars or historical revisionists like I do on occasion?”

“Yes,” said Senator Smegma. “We’ve made contact with high-ranking members of the Taliban to get advice, seeing as how our views on gay rights and equality for women coincide with theirs in so many ways. They’ve been a great help. We also have aides working with historians specializing in the study of the Old South plantation system. We want their input as well. We have great confidence that we can maintain and improve the tried and true ‘old white male’ power structure. The future for Arizona looks very bright indeed.”

The bulging package of legislative reform has been dubbed the “Scrotum-Smegma Bill” and is scheduled to come up for a vote early next month.