Tag Archives: barcelona

Dickerson Loses It After Three Days Without Satellite Dish

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MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Lee Dickerson was found wandering the woods along the Tennessee state line late last night suffering from exposure and dehydration, according to authorities from the North Carolina Wildlife Commission.

Wildlife Resource Officer John Small Berries found the man around 11 P.M wearing nothing but a tie-dyed Speedo with the words “Chavez-Dingo” sewn across the posterior area.

“I’ve been working this job for twenty years and it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said Small Berries.

“The dude was running around howling like some kind of animal and mumbling something about Barcelona and the Messiah. He was totally incoherent. At first I thought he was speaking in tongues.”

With the help of Dickerson’s neighbor Roger Wills, authorities were able to patch together what most likely led to the wilderness rampage.

It seems that Dickerson lost his Dish service sometime late Sunday during the playoff games. Officials believe it had something to do with the ice and snow that hit the area over the weekend. Dickerson’s problems apparently began when he was told it would be Thursday before a technician could be scheduled to come repair the damage because of his remote location and the Dish employees that had disappeared in the area in recent years.

“He just became more and more agitated as the days went by,” said Wills. “I know for a fact that he hasn’t gone more than four hours without watching a soccer match over the last two years. He’s kinda of a kook if you ask me. I always thought he was a weird son of a bitch, but have to admit I never expected this kind of breakdown just because he couldn’t watch the Premier League.”

Dickerson was checked into the Cherokee County Mental Health Unit in Murphy to undergo a battery of tests to ensure that he poses no threat to the public or wildlife in his area. He is expected to be released sometime Thursday afternoon in time to meet the Dish repairman who will be escorted to the site by a Cherokee County deputy sheriff.

Holy Trinity Goes On Crusade, Smites Infidels 3-1

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CAMP NOU, BARCELONA, SPAIN (CT&P) – Barcelona reignited their title challenge on Sunday evening, as they produced a fine performance to secure a 3-1 victory over Atletico Madrid at the Nou Camp.

 

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Luis Suarez, patron saint of cannibals, scored the second goal and thus sealed the invading infidels’ fate.

In what was a typically physical encounter between two teams who have grown to loathe each other in recent times, the Prophet Neymar needed just 11 minutes to break the deadlock before Saint Suarez doubled the advantage soon after. Both were aided by the absolutely divine passing of Our Lord and Savior, Lionel Messi.

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The Messiah proved once again that he is the one true son of God by performing another series of miracles on the pitch.

 

The infidel Mario Mandzukic scored from the penalty spot after an official blasphemously charged the Messiah with an imaginary foul shortly after half-time to briefly bring the game back to life. However, the Prince of Pitch put a controversial week behind him in style as he rounded off an impressive individual display with a close-range finish that sealed the points.

 

 

The result means Barcelona are now just a point behind the unbelievers of Real Madrid at the top of the table, albeit having played a game more than their traditional rivals. Atletico remain three points further back.

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The Messiah’s miracles are not limited to the playing field, according to his companion Antonella Roccuzzo.

 

In a statement made from the Vatican, Pope Francis said that “this is yet another example of the power that the Lord our God has to smite our enemies and lead us down the road to eternal glory and eventual victory in La Liga.”

 

After the game eager fans were given the opportunity to show their appreciation by washing their Messiah’s blessed feet as he levitated 12 inches above the surface of the playing field. He then hit the showers and returned to his 50 million dollar temple on the outskirts of the city where he had a light dinner of escalivada before making sweet love to his smokin’ hot female companion, Antonella Roccuzzo.

Congratulations, God! Messiah Sets All Time La Liga Scoring Record!

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CAMP NOU, BARCELONA, CATALONIA, SPAIN (CT&P) – Our Lord and Savior, the goal scoring Messiah Leo Messi scored a hat trick against Sevilla yesterday to set the all time career scoring record in La Liga. The three goals came during a 5-1 trouncing of the unfortunate Sevillistas much to the delight of Barcelona fans at Camp Nou. The former record was set by Telmo Zarra and has stood unbroken since 1955.

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After the match Messi levitated over the pitch as he signed autographs and healed the sick before retiring to his multi-million dollar estate on the outskirts of Barcelona

The Lamb of God tied the record of 251 goals with an absolutely divine free kick in the 21st minute that rose over the wall of opposing players, dipped like a star falling from the heavens, and sailed into the corner of the net. Sevilla goalkeeper Antonio Alberto Bastos Pimparel was powerless to block the shot delivered from the left foot of Our Lord.

“It was like the heavens opened and a bolt of lighting hit the net,” said a shaken Beto. “There is no fighting the power of the Son of God.”

The Prince of Pitch scored again in the 72nd minute to set the new scoring record at 252 goals. The goal came off a cross from his disciple Prince Neymar of Brazil.

To celebrate, his devoted disciples raised his body toward the heavens in an act of divine ecstasy.

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After the match, the Messiah gave credit to his Dad and the Holy Ghost for helping him achieve the record

“I’m just delighted to be here to witness these miracles week after week,” said Neymar after the game. “Leo is an all-powerful and all-knowing force out there on the field. He shepherds shot after shot through the heart of the unbeliever’s defenses. I’m just proud to assist him spread the Good News of Barcelona victories in any way I can.”

 

The King of Kings completed his Trinity of goals only six minutes later with a powerful low strike from the edge of the penalty area.

In an interview after the game, Barcelona captain Cardinal Xavi Hernandez told reporters that the Messiah was “simply the best player ever to grace a pitch.” “He is absolutely without sin on the football field,” said Xavi. “And he’s quite useful during practice as well, turning water into Gatorade on a regular basis. All praise be unto Him.”

Messi, who is only 27 years old, has a chance to top three hundred goals in his career, making it almost impossible to beat unless there is a “Third Coming” sometime in the distant future.

Messiah Scheduled To Return This Sunday

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Our Lord’s return has been highly anticipated by clerics all over the world

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Everyone had better be getting their house in order, because The Prince of Pitch and Lord of La Liga will be returning to earth on Sunday when the Catalans take on Elche in their first match of the year.

The Messiah will be leading a divine squad of disciples, revamped and reinvigorated by new manager Bishop Luis Enrique.

On one wing the Apostle Neymar will return with another year of experience under his cloak ready to levitate over opposing defenders and maneuver around the opposition like a pillar of fire.

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Barca fans all over the globe hope that Saint Xavi, Patron Saint of Reptiles, will rise like Lazarus to help guide the team in one final Crusade before departing to spread the gospel in America

Our Lord and Savior will be supported on the other wing by the always loyal Archangel Pedro the Swift, a player quite capable of scoring heavenly goals on his own.

Newly converted heretic and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will strike fear into the hearts of every defender he encounters in the middle. Unfortunately the saintly striker will be unable to join the ministry until October because of that unfortunate misunderstanding at the World Cup in Brazil.

He will however, be available for Barca’s confrontation with opposing sect Real Madrid.

The ravenous striker has been granted dispensation from Pope Francis for all past and future consumptions of human flesh during matches played in both La Liga and the Champion’s League so “The Scourge” should be biting on all cylinders this season.

The midfield will ably organized by Cardinal Andrés Iniesta and the usual cast, with support from Saint Xavi The Chameleon.

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The addition of saintly striker and part-time cannibal Luis “The Scourge” Suarez will no doubt strike fear into the hearts of non-believers all over Europe

The Army of God’s defensive troops will be led by St Mascherano the Martyr, who so readily sacrifices himself over and over again for the one true faith.

In conclusion, this year’s Barca lineup should strike terror into the hearts of all non-believers.

Many pundits think that if an internal schism can be avoided this season we will see a return of the Spanish Inquisition.

The Messiah and his disciples could very well leave a trail of tortured souls across scorched pitches in both La Liga and the Champion’s League.

Infidels across Europe should fear and tremble at Our Master’s return.

The Messiah’s first sermon of the new season may be seen live from Camp Nou on beIN Sports at 3 PM Eastern.

 

 

 

Suarez Repents, Joins The Messiah And His Disciples At Barcelona

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) Luis Suarez has been “born again” and signed a deal to join Our Lord and Savior, Lionel Messi, at Barcelona next season. Barcelona purchased the part-time cannibal for £75m from Liverpool.

The only potential barrier to the deal’s completion is the need for the striker to pass a medical but that, as with the finalization of personal terms, is expected to be a mere formality. By early next week Suárez, who has already passed a preliminary examination from a Barça club doctor in Montevideo, should be rubber stamped in a five-year deal.

“As long as we don’t find an inordinately large percentage of human flesh in his digestive tract he’s good to go,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo, Barcelona’s team physician.

Suarez will join the club as part of an already formidable attack featuring the Apostle Neymar, Saint Pedro Rodríguez, and of course the Prince of Pitch and goal-scoring Messiah, Leo Messi. 

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Barcelona coaches will be taking a variety of measures to prevent injury to their midfielders and defensive players during practice sessions

Suarez bid farewell to Liverpool and its incredible fans by saying: “Both me and my family have fallen in love with this club and with the city but most of all I have fallen in love with the incredible fans. You have always supported me and we, as a family, will never forget it, we will always be Liverpool supporters.”

“However, I don’t think that anyone can deny the cuisine available on the Iberian peninsula is superior. I always thought that one of the major causes of my insatiable craving for human flesh was the horrific English food. How much of that crap can you eat before you lose your mind? I just can’t fathom what you people are thinking about. I mean Jesus Christ, fish and chips, bangers and mash, toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, spotted dick, the list goes on and on! Spotted dick? Are you serious?”

Suarez’ family already lives in Barcelona so the move will not be a traumatic one, and most analysts predicted that he would end up there or at Real Madrid this season.

The addition of the borderline sociopath to the Barcelona attack will make the already much-feared disciples of Messi that much harder to beat. Details of Suarez’ suspension for his latest barbaric attempt to eat an opposing player are yet to be worked out because his lawyer is appealing FIFA’s “draconian” penalty.

Opposing teams in La Liga are scrambling to vaccinate their defensive players against rabies and distemper in time for next month’s start of the season.