Law enforcement officers in Cretonia are famous for their bravery under fire. This photo shows members of the Spring Break Buzzkill Implementation Squad, dubbed the “Panhandle Pussies” by the press, responding to reports of teenagers throwing empty Budweiser cans off a balcony in Panama City Beach

DeFuniak Springs (CT&P) – Walton County Sheriff’s Deputy Billy Bob “Dogkilla” Jones will be honored tonight at the annual “Profiles in Courage” banquet sponsored by the Florida Peace Officers Malevolent League. The event will take place at the new 1200 square foot DeFuniak Springs Civic Center. Two other local officers will be honored at the banquet, and the public is encouraged to attend.

Deputy Jones will be receiving the “Courage and Dedication To Duty Shown While Unnecessarily Shooting a Canine To Death Medal of Valor.” The award comes as a result of the actions taken by Jones on September 19, 2013 during an incident involving a dog that wandered a few steps past his yard and growled at the deputy and his police cruiser. Deputy Jones took swift and decisive action. He stepped out of his vehicle, and while exposing himself to grave bodily harm, shot the dog with his “nine.”

Relieved pensioners look on as members of the Joint Rapid Response Task Force clean out a nest of heinous feral cats located dangerously close to the Methuselah Retirement Community in Geriatric Village, Florida

Also honored will be Deputy Joey “Take It Slow” DeCarlo. DeCarlo will be receiving the “Persistence and Indefatigability While Using Advanced Interrogation Techniques On An Underage Drinker Medal of Freedom.” DeCarlo will be receiving the coveted medal for a March 16, 2013 incident in which he suspended a 17-year-old girl from Tennessee off an eighth floor balcony until she coughed up the name of the ringleader of a vicious gang of spring breakers conspiring to buy beer.

Finally, Florida Fish and Game Officer Billy Frank “Grouper Trooper” Hayseed will be receiving the “Charles Whitman Honorary Sniper Award For Murdering The Most Innocuous Wildlife During an Eight Hour Shift.” Officer Hayseed will be afforded the honor for his efforts on July 7, 2013, when he butchered three gopher tortoises, a black bear and two of her cubs, 16 “rabid” possums, two wayward raccoons, one feral cat, and an unknown number of fish who perished after Officer Hayseed dropped a concussion grenade into Chlamydia Creek from the Ralph R. Scrotum Memorial Bridge.

Walton County Sheriff Buford T. “Bull” Smegma will MC the event and all residents of Walton County (excluding illegal aliens and their spawn) are encouraged to attend. Sheriff Smegma told CT&P reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that over two dozen tickets to the event have already been sold at $3.50 per ticket. “That brings us close to our goal of raising a hundred bucks for needy families in Walton County,” said Smegma. “When you combine that with all the loot we have stolen from our own citizens by the reckless application of the asset forfeiture laws, well, the booty really starts to pile up.” Before departing in his 2014 Cadillac Escalade, Sheriff Smegma told Bruce, “I sure hope that you or that freak Dickerson will take the time to attend the party tonight. I’d really like my photo in the paper. I’ll be wearing my brand new custom tailored lime green ‘leisure tux.’ I’m really gonna be stylin’!”

Members of the SWAT team from Yawning Sinkhole, Florida subdue a heinous feline wanted for vagrancy and drug trafficking. Authorities later found her stash of over two pounds of catnip hidden under an abandoned trailer.

Festivities are planned to begin at 7 PM at the Hernando de Soto Memorial Civic Center in DeFuniak. Barbecued horse meat and “mountain oysters’ will served at the banquet and adult beverages will be available at a cash bar. Those not wishing to drink alcohol should bring bottled water as the tap water at the center and the surrounding area has long been a source of encephalitis outbreaks. All proceeds will benefit the families of officers who have had their feelings hurt in the line of duty.

Every citizen of Cretonia should get down on their knees and thank God for the diligence shown by the brave members of local law enforcement. This photograph shows Bay County deputies on routine patrol to enforce leash laws on Melanoma Beach

Editor’s note: A Walton County deputy has just been cleared of wrongdoing in a case where he shot and killed a pit bull mix while it barked and growled at him from his own yard. This did not occur in a trailer park but in a Santa Rosa Beach neighborhood. To be fair, the dog was not restrained and had supposedly caused problems before. However, the cop made no attempt to use pepper spray or a Taser, and did not call animal control and simply wait inside his cruiser for them to take care of the problem. The abominable law enforcement practice of shooting family pets while serving “no-knock” warrants and during routine traffic stops is widespread across the United States and seems to be growing. Since no records are required to be kept of such incidents, no one is sure of the numbers, but thanks to social media the problem is becoming better publicized. The practice is for the most part another hideous consequence of the ill-advised and utterly useless and counterproductive “War on Drugs,” which has gone a long way to shred our 4th Amendment rights. Take it from me as I have firsthand experience in this matter. Everyone who loves animals and thinks that the militarization of our law enforcement agencies is getting completely out of hand should voice his or her opinion. Don’t wait until there is a drone flying in circles over your neighborhood to take some sort of constructive action.

By the way, the Walton County deputy was cleared of wrongdoing by his fellow law enforcement officers.