Tag Archives: ben carson

Ben Carson Exchanges Soul For Seat In Trump Cabinet

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Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson makes a face during a speech at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO) convention in Las Vegas, Nevada June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Steve Marcus - RTX1GZ5C

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, presidential candidate, and person with a good reputation Dr. Ben Carson unwittingly traded his soul for a seat in Donald’s Trump’s cabinet yesterday when he endorsed the insecure fascist lunatic for President of the United States.

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Biblical scholars were quick to point out that Carson was probably visited by Satan himself and he just mistook him for a messenger from God. “Now Carson will more than likely spend eternity in Hell,” said one bishop. “Republicans make this mistake all the time.”

Carson told a reporter “I prayed about it a lot, and I got a lot of indications, people calling me that I haven’t talked to for a long time saying, ‘I had this dream about you and Donald Trump’ — I mean, just amazing things…”

Carson said that a friend he had not talked to since he performed brain surgery on him called and told him that he had a dream about Carson, Trump, and a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman eating Trump steaks in the White House.

Carson immediately interpreted the dream using the Holy Scriptures as a guide, and determined that he was meant to serve in a future Trump administration.

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Carson is expected to be put in charge of the planned ‘Ministry of Silly Walks’ should Trump be elected president. “We can’t afford to put that idiot in a position where he has to make important decisions,” chuckled Trump.

He also said that he while sleepwalking through a wooded area over five miles from his home, he suddenly woke up and saw stars in the sky. “That was a clear indication from God that I needed to endorse a guy who has no love or respect for anyone but himself,” said Carson, as he tried his best to keep his eyes open.

Carson said that the real clincher was when Joseph, disguised as Lucifer dressed in a Technicolor jacket, came to him in a dream and told him to endorse Trump. Later in the dream Joseph gave him plans for nuclear pyramids that would power the United States forever and ever and ever.

“I knew then what I had to do,” said Carson.

 

Trump praised the decision and told Carson how much he appreciated the endorsement despite having previously called him a “Somnambulant religious kook with pathological tendencies who would be a danger to himself and everyone around him if he could stay awake long enough to do any damage.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben Carson Hires Cadaver Dogs To Search For His Campaign

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Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson makes a face during a speech at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO) convention in Las Vegas, Nevada June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Steve Marcus - RTX1GZ5C

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Armstrong Williams, Ben Carson’s “business manager,” friend, and likely the only person on his campaign staff by the end of the week, told CNN today that the former neurosurgeon was bringing in cadaver dogs to search for his once relevant campaign.

“Dr. Carson is puzzled over what’s happened to his front-runner status,” said Williams. “Ben feels, as do I, that it’s time to take drastic action and pull out all the stops to try to figure out what went wrong and regain momentum.”

The dogs are being recruited from a variety of law enforcement entities across the United States and specialize in detecting dumb ideas, archaic ideals, religious bullshit, and utter lunacy.

Williams said that with any luck the canines will be able to track down the campaign and restore its former luster.

“We think the campaign, and Dr. Carson’s reputation, may be hiding somewhere between Joseph’s Discount Grain Pyramid and a Popeye’s chicken organization somewhere in downtown Baltimore. Wherever it is, we’ll be sure to find it!”

 

CNN Moves GOP Debate Venue To Some Beer Hall In Munich

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Jeff Zucker, president of CNN Worldwide, announced this morning that Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate would be moved from The Venetian in Las Vegas, Nevada to the Bürgerbräukeller Jr, a large beer hall in Munich, Germany.

Zucker made the announcement during an appearance on CNN’s New Day, hosted by noted intellectual Chris Comatose.

“We thought that the change of venue was appropriate given what is going on in today’s Republican Party and the atmosphere would better reflect the ideas and policy proposals of the front runners for the nomination,” said Zucker.

Reaction to the move was mixed among the candidates with some backing the change wholeheartedly and others worried that it might disrupt campaign schedules.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz both told Sean Hannity on his radio show that they felt right at home in Munich and looked forward to meeting hair-challenged supporters in the region.

However, some candidates such as Jeb Bush were uncertain about the last minute change because Germany had accepted so many Syrian refugees in recent weeks.

“I think we could be opening ourselves up to a security risk,” said Bush. “The vast majority of those refugees are Muslims, and I just don’t see how Germany could be as safe as the good ole USA where all us Christians live.”

Perhaps the most confusing response came from the Carson Campaign.

“I’m really looking forward to visiting Germany,” said Carson. “I’ve never been to South America before.”

Zucker dismissed criticism from right wing radio that the change of venue was a liberal media conspiracy to make the Republicans look like a bunch of clowns.

“They certainly don’t need our help to do that,” chuckled Zucker.

 

 

Desperate Carson To Lobotomize Another Set Of Twins On National Television

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – After seeing his poll numbers plummet over recent weeks because of his complete ignorance regarding foreign policy, GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has agreed to separate another set of conjoined twins live on national television.

Carson is scheduled to perform the surgery the week before Christmas, and an 800 number and dedicated web site will be available for contributions to his campaign during the event. Carson plans on cutting the normally nine hour operation down to a mere three hours so he can perform the entire surgery in prime time.

In order to emphasize his surgical expertise, Carson plans limit his instruments to a hacksaw, a pair of garden shears, and a curling iron to cauterize the wound in order to stem blood loss.

“Dr. Carson hopes that by replicating the operation that made him famous, but in more spectacular fashion, he can rejuvenate his campaign and retake the initiative,” said Carson campaign manager Barry Bennett.

“This time the operation will be on national television and Dr. Carson will emphasize speed instead of precision. Hopefully the American public will be impressed enough with Dr. Carson’s skill as a surgeon that they’ll forget that he’s a fucking moron when it comes to almost every other subject.”

Experts predict that the unorthodox technique will render basically the same results as his prior efforts with conjoined twins, most of whom are unable to speak or feed themselves even after years of therapy.

“Results are not what’s important here,” said Bennett. “You have to remember that Dr. Carson is a Republican.”

 

 

 

God Withdraws Support For Carson Campaign

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ROME – (CT&P) – At a press conference just outside the Vatican this morning God announced that he would be withdrawing his support for the Carson Campaign effective immediately.

God told reporters that after reviewing Dr. Carson’s statements regarding a variety of issues he could no longer support the retired neurosurgeon for the GOP nomination.

“In the end it was really not a hard decision,” said God. “This guy does not know his ass from a hole in the ground on most subjects, and he’s clueless when it comes to foreign policy. He would be an absolute disaster as president.

“At first I thought because he was a neurosurgeon he would be a smart dude, capable of making the hard the decisions a president has to make every day,” said the Creator of the Universe. “But I’m surprised this guy can wipe his own ass. I mean he is dumb! It just goes to show you that you don’t have to be some kind of genius to crack a head open,” chuckled the omniscient deity.

The American public apparently agrees with God’s assessment as Carson has been steadily slipping in the polls lately. Most pundits attribute the slide to the increased attention Carson received when he briefly led the Republican field.

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Most people agree that Dr. Carson is a little touched, just not by God

“The more you look at Ben Carson, the more you see a simple-minded chowderhead incapable of critical thought,” said GOP political consultant Karl Rove. “Hillary would chew him up and spit him out like a plug of tobacco.”

When a reporter from CNN informed him of God’s decision, Carson accused him of being part of a liberal media conspiracy inspired by Satan.

“All you guys are just out to get me,” whispered a rapidly blinking Carson, as he twirled his hands in semi circles.

“I feel the fingers of God gently touching me telling me I’ll be President someday.”

When journalists contacted God for a response, he denied he had ever touched Carson gently or otherwise.

“I never fingered Dr. Carson in any way whatsoever,” said Jehovah. “What do you think I am, some sort of pervert? I’ve never touched the son of a bitch in my life. He’s out of his small mind.”

 

 

Carson To Visit Refugees In Jordan

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AMMAN – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and simpleton Dr. Ben Carson is visiting Jordan today in an attempt boost his foreign policy chops and prove to people he knows where it is, according to a spokesman within the Carson Campaign.

“I find when you have firsthand knowledge of things as opposed to secondhand, thirdhand, or fourteenth hand, it makes a much stronger impression,” Mr. Carson said in an interview before his departure, planned for late Thanksgiving Day on a charter aircraft.

“That’s why I never read any books other than the Bible. You just can’t be sure that anyone who writes something down knows what they are talking about. It’s much better to visit places, force your eyes open with toothpicks, and look around for yourself.”

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Dr. Carson is expected to highlight the plight of refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a veterinary hospital. He is bringing dog biscuits and chew toys to distribute to the puppies.

Although aides to Dr. Carson said that the visit to Jordan was his idea, rumors persist that he was asked to go by the CIA as part of a plan to confuse our enemies in the Middle East.

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Carson’s Secret Service detail will make the trip with him in order to protect him from terrorists hiding within the crowds of desperate refugees

“Our intelligence services feel that if Carson roams around the Middle East making incoherent speeches and whispering weird shit about the pyramids, ISIS and other terrorist groups will make the assumption that they have already won and quit trying to kill us,” said Mike Morell, former deputy director of the CIA.

“The idea is, once our enemies see how inept and ignorant our presidential candidates are, they’ll assume we are already on the road to ruin and they’ll redirect their effort to other targets.”

Dr. Carson is expected to wander around aimlessly in the Middle East for a few days before returning to make idiotic statements back here at home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a clinic and a hospital. He is bringing soccer balls and Beanie Babies to distribute to children.

 

Carson Advises Hostages To Rush Terrorists

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MALI – (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson called a press conference this morning to address the ongoing hostage crisis at the Radisson Blu Hotel in Bamako, Mali.

The hotel is the site of an ongoing terrorist attack and hostage situation. Latest reports state that there could be dozens of hostages still being held in the hotel and its environs.

Dr. Carson told reporters that the best thing the captives could do would be to “charge the terrorists.”

“If I were there I would get everyone together and charge the gunmen,” whispered Carson. “They might get some of us but we would overwhelm them. If anyone in that hotel can hear me, CHARGE!!!”

When a reporter pointed out that it might be unwise to rush terrorists that were equipped with automatic weapons and suicide vests Dr. Carson seemed to lose his train of thought and began waving his arms and blinking rapidly as he responded.

“When ants encounter a preying mantis they don’t sit around and let themselves be eaten,” said a semi-conscious Carson. “The Bible says that locusts help free the Israelites. We need to learn to be more like locusts if we’re ever going to defeat the terrorists.”

A security and terrorism expert interviewed on CNN after Carson’s press conference said that as usual Carson has no idea what the fuck he’s saying.

“Anyone who takes advice from this dude on anything, much less terrorism, needs to have his head examined, and not by Dr. Carson,” chuckled the expert.

Carson Advisers Terrified That He Could Actually Win

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epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Surging poll numbers in Iowa and across the country have made it clear that enough Americans are so mentally deficient that Dr. Ben Carson actually has a chance to win the GOP nomination for president.

The change in fortune for Carson has his advisers and close confidants plenty worried.

Responding to a calamitous interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday in which Carson appeared to be brain-damaged, longtime friend and adviser Armstrong Williams said, “We’re used to Ben making batshit crazy remarks about pyramids and Noah’s Ark, that’s par for the course with him, but his total ignorance on matters of national security and foreign policy is downright frightening. There’s just no telling what he would do in the White House besides putting up a velvet portrait of Jesus.”

“Nobody has been able to sit down with him and have him get one iota of intelligent information about the Middle East,” said Duane R. Clarridge, a former CIA agent and top adviser to Dr. Carson on terrorism and national security. He also said Mr. Carson needed weekly conference calls briefing him on foreign policy so “we can make him smart.”

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Carson’s closest advisers are worried that he could accidentally start World War III because he loves pushing buttons to see what they do.

“At this point I believe Dr. Carson poses a threat to the security of the United States,” continued Clarridge. “He’s possibly the dumbest son of a bitch to ever run for president.”

Advisers are particularly concerned with Carson’s habit of pushing buttons “to see what they do.”

A Carson campaign official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told Fox News that Carson could accidentally start World War III.

“The moron would more than likely just walk around the White House pushing buttons and whispering nonsense into the Hotline,” said the official.

“Most of us signed on to advise and assist Dr. Carson because we saw it as easy money. He has no idea how much he’s paying any of us anyway. But these polls are the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. I had no idea there were so many idiots out there. It’s scary as hell.”

 

 

 

Carson Slips Into Coma During Fox News Interview

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, lunatic, and leading GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson lost consciousness and slipped into a coma during an interview yesterday with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday.

While attempting to answer a grueling series of “gotcha” questions like “Where do you live?” “What form of government do we have in the United States?” and “Why did Satan make fossils?” Carson began blinking furiously, waving his arms, and whispering incoherently about frontal lobes, Arab states, and grain silos.  Within moments he appeared to faint and his head lolled to one side of his body.

Aides to Dr. Carson rushed into the studio and he was whisked away to an undisclosed location.

The Carson campaign later issued a press release stating that Dr. Carson was unresponsive but breathing normally in a nearby hotel room.

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Dr. Carson lost his Maryland driver’s license years ago when he lost consciousness in a Popeye’s “organization” drive-thru and caused a three car pile up.

A spokesman for the campaign emphasized that the incident was nothing to worry about.

“It’s nothing out of the ordinary,” said the spokesman. “It’s occurred several times already this week, and Dr. Carson will be back selling books “before you know it.”

A volunteer for the campaign backed up the spokesman, telling CNN that Carson has been losing consciousness regularly during campaign stops in Iowa, but no one has noticed.

“Most folks have no idea what the fuck Ben is saying most of the time anyway. He appears to be on Thorazine or Xanax all the time, and he rarely makes any sense at all. The only way we can really tell if he’s lost consciousness is if we suddenly stop hearing batshit crazy ideas come out of his mouth,” said the volunteer.

“In the end it makes no difference with his core supporters as long as he continues to love Jesus and hate the poor.”

Dr. Carson is expected to make a complete recovery and continue saying crazy things as he roams the country selling books in the coming weeks.

 

 

 

 

 

Ben Carson To Operate On Himself

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – In what experts are calling a ground-breaking new surgical technique, Dr. Ben Carson will perform surgery on his own brain late next month, before the primary season begins.

An aide to the GOP frontrunner told Fox News this morning that the retired neurosurgeon and acclaimed Egyptologist will be operating on parts of his prefrontal cortex and temporal lobes in an attempt to recover memories of key events in his youth.

“Dr. Carson has led the way in experimental brain surgery throughout his career,” said the aide. “If successful, this surgery should allow him to remember the names and dates of every assault and attempted murder he committed while he was growing up. It should also allow Dr. Carson to remember just who it was that offered him a full scholarship to West Point.”

According to the aide, the delicate procedure will be carried out in a room filled with smoke and mirrors, much like his campaign for president.

Although the operation has never attempted before, Carson believes that if successful, it could provide hope for other adults who are unable to remember everyone they attacked and/or murdered in their youth.

The aide said that Carson also hopes that the surgery will boost his IQ, thus allowing him to understand complicated subjects such as civics, history, science, and the concept of vetting political candidates.