Tag Archives: Bill O’Reilly

Feds Advise Potential Ebola Victims To Avoid Contracting The Disease In Dallas

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Director of the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta Dr. Tom Frieden advised anyone who was thinking of contracting Ebola to do so “just about anywhere other than Dallas.”

Dr. Frieden addressed the press while on a lunch break at a Mexican restaurant on Buford Highway.

“I would like to strongly advise those who are considering exposing themselves to blood, feces, or any bodily fluid from an Ebola patient to do so in Atlanta or in another major city that has competent medical personnel,” said Frieden. “If I were thinking of contracting the disease I would definitely steer clear of Texas in general and Dallas in particular.”

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Dr. Frieden advised Americans that if they planned to contract Ebola to at least do it in a state where the governor can find his ass with both hands.

When asked why he was issuing the warning, Dr. Frieden slammed a bean burrito down his gullet and replied, “Look, those idiots in Dallas were the ones who let that dude run around the city unchecked for days before he was hospitalized. They also don’t seem to be able to follow simple protocol or safety measures. They are currently 0-1 when it comes to fighting the virus, and we here in Atlanta are so far 2-0 on the season. Who would you rather have treating you?”

Dr. Frieden was also asked about Bill O’Reilly’s demand that he should resign in disgrace because of the current panic over Ebola’s appearance in the U.S.

“That pompous cretin represents the very people who cut our funding almost 50% and then he has the balls to turn around and criticize us for something that, given the anemic response to the outbreak, was inevitable. He is the very definition of a horse’s ass. Can you imagine what it would be like to work for that asshole? I feel sorry for the bastards who have to tolerate him on a daily basis. I’d rather be exposed to smallpox.”

Dr. Frieden went on to say that he “would resign just as soon as O’Reilly receives a degree in epidemiology”, which given the Fox News pundit’s low IQ, would be sometime shortly after hell freezes over.

 

 

 

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Actor Ben Affleck To Undergo Surgery On Thursday

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A pensive Affleck reflects on what it must be like to be as intelligent as Sam Harris

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ben Affleck is scheduled to have major surgery on Thursday to have his head removed from his ass in what doctors are calling “a last-ditch effort” to save the actor’s credibility. Affleck’s affliction, Colonhead Syndrome, has been spreading rapidly throughout the liberal landscape and has perverted the normally progressive and enlightened thinking of its victims.

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Affleck’s condition is said to extremely grave. Doctors are hopeful that he can be cured, as he is normally a lucid defender of liberal ideals and values.

Other prominent personalities currently suffering from the syndrome include journalist Glenn Greenwald and scholar Reza Aslan, author of the book Zealot: The Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth, an insightful work he completed before falling victim to the dread disease.

Symptoms of the syndrome include an inability to think clearly, failure to grasp nuanced arguments, and violent knee-jerk reactions when anyone criticizes any religion other than Christianity or Judaism. Irrational reactions have been observed to be particularly virulent when anyone dares to criticize Islam, with sufferers accusing the offending party of being a Neolithic Islamophobe, or a “genocidal fascist maniac.”

No one realized the extent of Affleck’s grave condition until his appearance on Bill Maher’s show Real Time last week. Affleck got into a heated debate with his host as well as Sam Harris, Maher’s featured guest, over the tenets of Islam and how the U.S. should deal with the murderous thugs from ISIS as well other bands of religious freaks who are bent on slaughtering all those who disagree with their interpretation of the Quran.

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Colonhead Syndrome is in the same family of afflictions as Horse’s Ass Disease, an ailment most commonly suffered by Fox News pundits.

Harris had little time to respond to Affleck’s ponderous criticisms because one symptom of Colonhead Syndrome is diarrhea of the mouth, which Affleck displayed during the entire show. Maher did his best to convince Affleck that Islam is as Harris put it, “the motherload of bad ideas” in the modern world, but he was having none of it, despite all evidence to the contrary.

Dr. John Bigboote and Dr. John Smallberries of Yoyodyne Laboratoris will lead the surgical team who will attempt to remove Affleck’s head from his colon on Thursday.

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Sadly, medical science has yet to come up with a treatment for many other diseases, such as the aptly named Dumb-As-A-Stump Disorder making the rounds on the far right.

“The team is hopeful that the surgery will be a success,” said Dr. Bigboote. “Greenwald and Aslan are clearly beyond all hope, but we think Affleck has a chance to lead a relatively normal life after we operate. We have had success in similar circumstances last year when we removed the entire upper torso from one climate change denier’s ass.”

“It would be a damn shame to lose Affleck, as he is normally so articulate and passionate when it comes to righteous causes,” continued Bigboote. “After all, to paraphrase Bill Maher, we are all liberals, and not a bunch of ignorant Tea Baggers. We should be able to debate the issues without resorting to their patented brand of intransigence and hysteria.”

The surgery is scheduled to take place at Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems’ headquarters in Grover’s Mill, N.J. at around 3 PM Eastern. It will be televised on MSNBC and the program will be hosted by Katie Couric, an expert on all things colon.

 

 

 

 

 

Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row

Posted in humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.

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Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens

Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.

As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.

However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

Doug & Dinsdale Piranha

In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst

The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets,  “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”

The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”

 

 

 

 

 

Research Reveals An Alarmingly High Rate Of Illiteracy Within The Tea Party

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misspelled-tea-party-signTHE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -New research conducted by the Center for Sanity in Politics has revealed that over 40% of Tea Party members are functionally illiterate and a significant percentage of the rest of party exhibit the reading comprehension skills of third graders. The inability of many of the right-wing political organization’s activists to manufacture even the most simple signage was once thought to be an aberration resulting in a humorous display of “Teabonics.” But tragically it now seems to be representative of the group as a whole.

05_Flatbed_WEB - MARCH“What we found was truly shocking,” said Dr. Frank Black, director of research at CSP. “However, with the advantage of hindsight I suppose we really should have expected these results.”

misspelled9“After all, the Tea Party appeals to the basest of mankind’s instincts. You can’t expect a political party based on a Frankenstein’s monster  stitched-together from debunked economic theories, irrational xenophobia, racial hatred, and medieval religious superstition to be overflowing with intellectuals. The party is little more than a small army of dullards brimming with rage against change and enlightened policy of any sort. They basically run around the countryside terrified of fire and science and blame anything they perceive as a problem on our current president, no matter how ridiculous those assertions might be.”

“Most Tea Partiers show a disturbing lack of knowledge of basic civics and their grasp of history appears to come out of some comic book published by Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity,” said Dr. Black. “Propaganda outlets such as Fox News and right-wing radio hosts only serve to further fan the flames of ignorance and hatred among these folks.”

misspell4Similar and even more shocking results were found when researchers investigated the Christian Right.

misspell77misspelled8A recent YouGov poll has found that over sixty percent of self-proclaimed conservative Christians are unable to comprehend what they read. The poll was conducted July 1-2 among 1,000 U.S. adults using a sample selected from YouGov’s opt-in online panel to match the demographics and other characteristics of the adult U.S. population. The poll asked “what would Jesus do?” on a wide range of political issues such as health care, gun control, climate change, and taxes.

misspelled11Only 23 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support healthcare for all.

“I was sick and you looked after me….I tell you the truth, whatever you do the least of my brothers, you also do for me,” Jesus said.

misspelled15“Whatever,” say the Christian Right.

The Bible makes it clear Jesus was a Marxist before Marxism had a name. He distrusted the rich. “It’s easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter Heaven,” forewarned Jesus. The credo of the Beatitudes demonstrated Jesus saw the world in terms of class struggle. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the earth.”

misspelled1But only 18 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support higher taxes on the rich; taxes that benefit the funding of the common good – schools, hospitals, and safety nets for those the capitalist machine leaves downtrodden.

It seems the decline of the mainstream church has apparently allowed the Christian Right to misuse the Gospel to champion unfettered capitalism. For Republicans, “prosperity theology” has replaced the Beatitudes. In this Ayn Randian philosophy, God rewards the faithful with material wealth.

misspelled14On guns, 68 percent of Democrats believe Jesus would support stricter gun laws, whereas only 28 percent of Republicans think likewise.  Swords of the first century were the guns of today. “Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword,” said Jesus. (Matthew 26:52)

On other issues, 9 percent of Republicans said Jesus would support gay marriage, and 6 percent of Republicans said he would support legalized abortion. Forty-three percent said he would support the death penalty for murderers.

misspelled16“The response of right-wing ‘Christians,’ the Tea Party and Republicans in general to the recent influx of kids fleeing abject poverty and violence in their home countries illustrates as nothing else could the hypocrisy inherent in a political movement that lacks the very compassion it is supposedly based upon,” said Dr. Black. ”

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Tea Partiers and those on the Christian Right might do well to take some of their own advice to heart

“Consider Matthew 25:31-46 where Jesus said, ‘For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ What is it about that statement that these cretins do not understand?”

“What is truly alarming about all this is that the Christian Right seems unable to comprehend, or a shows a blatant willingness to ignore, the very book that they base their religion upon,” said Dr. Black. “It is even more alarming that these people believe that our country was founded on these principles and all Americans should be ruled by them. We should all keep a close watch on this vocal minority of ill-informed and uneducated creatures, for the good of the country and ourselves, lest we one day wake up in some sort of dystopian theocratic oligarchy.”

 

Moses, Isaiah, And Phil Robertson Under Investigation After Accusations By Bill O’Reilly

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Frustrated with his plummeting ratings and lack of relevance in modern America, Fox News host Bill O’Reilly went berserk on his show Thursday night and accused a wide variety of famous and influential individuals of harboring “Muslim sympathies.” O’Reilly devoted an entire segment of his show to ponderously reading a list of people, both living and dead, who “looked Muslim” and therefore posed a “very real threat” to American democracy.

Included on the list were several Bible prophets such as Ezekiel, Malachi, Isaiah, as well as New Testament personalities Saul of Tarsus and Jesus of Nazareth. Many former American presidents such as Abraham Lincoln were also on the list.

“We simply cannot sit idly by and let people who might be devoted to some weirdo cult have any influence in America,” said O’Reilly. “I’m here to protect you folks and I won’t let you down. When have I ever been wrong before? The answer is NEVER!”

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O’Reilly claims that he has nothing against Muslims as long as “they know their place and stay in it.” He told viewers he was simply following in the footsteps of three of his heroes, Senator Joe McCarthy of Wisconsin, Representative Darrell Issa of California, and Soviet leader Josef Stalin

“I have here in my hand a list of 205 Quran-carrying, Muslim-looking state department officials that are roaming about our country free to influence our culture in any way they wish, and they have to be stopped,” raved O’Reilly as he waved a stack of Chinese take-out menus in front of the camera.

“Why, I saw Secretary of State John Kerry get off a plane in D.C. last week with stubble on his cheeks. It’s only a matter of time before we become an Islamic republic just like Iran!”

O’Reilly went on to warn his aging and decrepit viewers that “Our way of life is at stake. If we want to maintain our out-of-date ideas about religion, science and politics, we have to act swiftly and marginalize anyone who is not a Christian!”

O’Reilly’s list also included TV personalities such as Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson and several popular bands such as ZZ Top, among others.

Strangely, O’Reilly also accused New York’s entire population of Hasidic Jews of harboring Muslim sympathies. “These people are hiding behind one religion while secretly plotting our takeover by another one,” said O’Reilly, who by this point was rolling a couple of ball bearings around in his hand.

O’Reilly concluded the broadcast by attempting to reassure the public that just because he had a list of evildoers, it didn’t mean that he had anything against Muslims per se. “Why, some of my best friends are Muslims, and they are welcome in my home anytime, as long as they’re not gay,” said O’Reilly.

Meanwhile, O’Reilly’s numbers continue to plummet as more and more of his senescent audience assumes room temperature. Rumors that O’Reilly suffered brain damage in a fall while chasing a female intern around his set were flatly denied by management, and it remains to be seen when Roger Ailes will unceremoniously throw the pompous fossil off the air as he did the unhinged conspiracy theorist Glenn Beck. As we have seen in the past, it does not take long for Ailes to act once someone becomes a liability.

 

 

Alabama Ministry Uses Unique Blend Of Fascist Literature And Bible Verses To Keep Kids “On The Right Track”

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MONTGOMERY, AL (CT&P) – Life-Savers Ministries, a group founded in 1996 in Opelika, Alabama announced yesterday that it will be erecting a series of billboards throughout the South reflecting its philosophy on child-rearing. “The overwhelming success of our first sign outside Columbus has encouraged us to expand the campaign and let everyone know just what we stand for,” said  Obergruppenführer Hans Kooky, head of advertising for LSM.

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Dr. Emilio Lizardo or “Il Duce” as he likes to be called, told Bill O’Reilly that billboard advertising is the key to indoctrinating weak minds, and that he had a buddy that always said, “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.” O’Reilly agreed wholeheartedly.

The large sign, erected last month, depicts a diverse group of smiling kids and incongruously declared, “He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future,” attributing the quote to Hitler. Hitler said the phrase in a 1935 speech at the Reichsparteitag in order to encourage young people to join the Hitler Youth.

Below the Hitler quote was a Bible verse which said, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

According the group’s website, Life-Savers provides Biblically-based activities for children conducted in a racially pure healthy environment. The kids also attend mandatory classes that introduce them to the tenants of National Socialism and other forms fascism.

The group’s goal seems to be to shape the kids into obedient and unquestioning pawns for the coming struggle to “take back America” from the communists now in control of the government.

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Kids from LSM also sell cookies and baked goods once per year in order to raise funds for the ministry

The leader and founder of the organization, Dr. Emilio Lizardo, known as “Il Duce” within the LSM, told Fox News host Bill O’Reilly that “Kids these days are exposed to all sorts of garbage like evolution, vaccination, gay marriage, equal rights for minorities, global warming, and photosynthesis. We have to take back our country and take back our kids before it’s too late. The purity and essence of our precious bodily fluids depends on it!”

The group plans to erect ten to twenty more signs along interstates in the Bible Belt combining quotes from fascist dictators and verses from the Bible, in order to “foster a sense of ultra-nationalism and racial purity in our youth.”

Some examples include:

“Humanitarianism is the expression of stupidity and cowardice.” Adolf Hitler

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Luke 12:31

 

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Representatives from more traditional youth ministries in the area have staged protests against LSM from time to time

“The truth is that men are tired of liberty.” Benito Mussolini

“If you are irresponsible to the state, then your are irresponsible with God, and God will hold you responsible.” Romans 13:2

 

“Anyone who sees and paints a sky green and fields blue ought to be sterilized.” Adolf Hitler

“The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.” Psalm 19:1

(Life-Savers also offers introductory art classes with an emphasis on landscapes done in watercolors.)

Convinced of the efficacy of the advertising campaign, LSM plans to go ahead with it despite some misgivings within the local church community. The new signs will start to go up on June 22nd, timed to coincide with LSM’s annual celebration honoring Germany’s invasion of the Soviet Union in 1941.

After a meeting with Lamar Advertising in Montgomery, Obergruppenführer Kooky told a group of reporters that “The future looks bright thanks to Il Duce’s ideas” and that with the “skillful and sustained use of propaganda, one can make a people see even heaven as hell or an extremely wretched life as paradise.”

 

 

 

 

Easter Bunny Hospitalized For “Nervous Exhaustion” Following Particularly Stressful Easter Season

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SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – The Easter Bunny collapsed from exhaustion as she made her final deliveries in the Washington D.C. area early this morning. She was immediately rushed to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland where she is said to be resting comfortably after being given a liberal dose of Xanax for her nerves.

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Alice “Easter” Bunny is seen here resting comfortably in her room at Walter Reed. She is expected to make a full recovery

A spokesman for the hospital told a gaggle of reporters that the Bunny, who’s first name is Alice, had endured “a particularly stressful Easter season” and that “it all just became too much to bear.” The spokesman said that Alice wanted all the kids on her final route to rest assured they would get their eggs. Emergency calls have been placed to Paris via the U.N. and backup flying French “Easter Bells” were taking up the slack.

The 2014 Easter season has been a particularly stressful one for Alice for a variety of reasons. As everyone knows, she is a part-time employee and is not eligible to receive health insurance from her employer. In the past few years the cost of insurance has risen so precipitously that Alice finally had to sell her hutch and move into a warren in order to make ends meet. To make matters worse, she missed the Obamacare sign-up deadline because of a computer glitch, so she has had to make appearances and gather eggs while being uninsured.

Her stress level shot up immensely when she was lured into an appearance with Bill O’Reilly on Fox News early last week. O’Reilly’s other guests were the Reverend Donald Wildmon of the American Family Organization and Dan Barker, co-founder of the Freedom From Religion Foundation. Alice “Easter” Bunny, who has consistently claimed that she is strictly nondenominational, was caught in a crossfire between the two adversaries as both demanded that she take sides in the debate.

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Dr. Roger Lepus expects Alice to make a full recovery

“That was the last bedding straw,” said the hospital spokesman. “I don’t think her tender psyche could take any more, and the stress just got the best of her this morning. However, we expect her to make a full recovery and she should be ‘fit as a fiddle’ for next Easter, so the kids shouldn’t worry about getting their fair share of tooth-rotting, diabetes-inducing chocolate rabbit figurines in the future. As for this year, we have full confidence that those weird French flying bells will complete her route around D.C.”

 

Bill O’Reilly To Auction Off Prefrontal Cortex And Other Unused Personal Items

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NEW YORK-Fox News anchor and giant horse’s anus Bill O’Reilly announced on his show last night that he will be auctioning off various personal items each week on a new segment of his show entitled “Barfing Points.” All the proceeds for the items will be given to charity. The huge amounts garnered for each worthless article will be announced at maximum volume by the pompous ass himself so everyone will know of his selfless contributions to the unfortunate.

O’Reilly is set to kick-off the new segment early next week by auctioning off a pair of old socks and a worn-out bathrobe. The misogynistic curmudgeon told Fox’s racial sensitivity expert and egomaniac Megyn Kelly that he wanted to stick with items of interest to his core audience. Denture cream, Fleet enemas, adult diapers, and his own personal Hoveround top the list. As a special St. Patrick’s Day treat, O’Reilly plans to auction-off his prefrontal cortex and some other unused portions of his brain.

Later this year the megalomaniacal pundit plans to start auctioning off his household garbage to the highest bidder. “I generate a huge quantity of garbage, and I’m talking about at home, not all that twaddle you hear coming out of my mouth on the show. I know how much everyone loves and respects me, so I just figured that the things I no longer need, like empty Viagra bottles, could be bought and treasured by my fans. It’s all for a good cause. The greater glorification of yours truly, Mr. Bill O’Reilly, the living Son of God.

Bill O’Reilly Laments Downfall of Western Civilizaton at the Hands of Personal Freedom

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NEW YORK-We here at the Times-Picayune could not let the week pass without reporting the latest abomination to spew from the lips of Fox News talking head and pompous ass Bill O’Reilly. O’Reilly is well-known for being vehemently against change of any sort. However, on Monday night Billy gave up all pretense of acting like a rational being as he sounded the clarion call for elderly white people the world over to take action against the deadly combination of personal freedom and technological progress.

O’Reilly began by blasting “the liberal media” for making pot glamorous and continued from there: “Teens using marijuana before the age of 18 are far more likely to develop psychosis, and one in six children who try pot will become addicted.” His lordship continued, “For more bad news, combine the drug aspect with the Internet. 33% of teenagers send more than 100 text messages a day and 66% say that their parents have imposed no rules regarding texting.”

O’Reilly concluded this chapter of his paranoid fantasy by saying “Young people in America are combining drugs, alcohol, and high-tech to build false lives and run away from reality. This is an epidemic that will lead to a weaker nation; anyone who tells you different is lying to you.”

But O’Reilly was not satisfied with warning us about this weird combination of supposed “threats” to our republic. Taking a page from Glenn Beck’s playbook he artfully weaved a conspiratorial tapestry of pseudo science, revisionist history, and wishful thinking into a horror so great that it would cause H.P. Lovecraft to cower in root cellar.

O’Reilly’s theory centers around the malevolent effects on society caused when personal freedom is combined with technological advancement. He believes that the synergy created by these two evil trends will in the end precipitate a cultural Armageddon from which there is no escape. O’Reilly zeroes in on the invention of the printing press in Germany by Gutenberg in 1450 (China was 400 years ahead of us) as being the single most destructive event in the history of western civilization.

“It allowed the spread and growth of literacy throughout Europe, a privilege that had rightly been reserved for representatives of the church,” said O’Reilly. “When ‘the folks’ started to learn how to read and slowly began to gain knowledge, serfdom was doomed, and the power of the Catholic Church began to deteriorate. It was only a matter of time until feudalism, a time-tested and church-approved way of life, was history.” At this point O’Reilly had to pause and wipe a tear from his eye.

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The steam locomotive was cited by O’Reilly as being a particularly evil invention as it “allowed people to travel anywhere they damn well pleased at minimal expense.”

O’Reilly composed himself and continued, “You see folks, increased knowledge walks hand in hand with a desire for liberty. More liberty and personal freedom breeds even more knowledge and with it comes technological innovation. It’s a hellish combination that causes a veritable avalanche of societal development that precipitates a ‘runaway freight train’ of progress.”

O’Reilly paused for effect as translucent nictitating membranes closed over his eyes. Then he said, “Progress in society inevitably makes reactionary sticks-in-the-mud such as you and me irrelevant. I have come to the conclusion that there is no hope for people like us.” At this point, obviously depressed and shaking uncontrollably, O’Reilly had to be helped off the set by his roommate and celibate life-partner Pat Buchanan.

Shortly after the conclusion of the broadcast, 911 operators across the United States were swamped by calls from predominately white nursing homes as thousands of O’Reilly viewers attempted suicide.

In the Spirit of the Season, Satan Offers Fox News Anchors Blanket Amnesty

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Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, offered to pardon every Fox News anchor and pundit today if they solemnly swear to never mention Obamacare again. Each television personality would be granted immunity for all other sins and be given free passage to Heaven upon death, and the Prince of Darkness would give up all rights to their eternal souls.

It seems that Mephistopheles and his lieutenants have been driven to distraction by the incessant round-the-clock drumbeat of inane and preposterous criticism about Obamacare.

At a press conference on the banks of the River Styx, Hades Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told a gathering of reporters and other condemned souls that “His Majesty is simply fed up and has had enough. For millennia we have always been the ‘go-to’ guys for torment, agony, suffering and hopelessness. Now here come these upstarts on a television network trying to ‘horn-in’ on our turf!” Balthazar continued, “However, let it be known that there’s no ‘War on Christmas’ down here, and as vile as these creatures are, His Majesty is willing to give them a second chance. From pompous Bill O’Reilly to hysterical Megyn Kelly, they all have the opportunity to do what is right and shut the hell up about Obamacare.”

Minos, Judge of the Dead, added, “We tried sending a ‘cease and desist’ order but it had no effect because Fox has no respect for the law. Apparently these people are so bent on denying health care to the poor that they will stop at nothing. I’ve never seen such a lack of compassion. It makes us look like a bunch of amateurs.”

Keres, hideous she-demon of violent death and disease, was also present at the press conference. “Look, I’m somewhat of an expert on health care. It’s my job to tear souls out of the dying, so I know what I’m talking about, and no health care system could be half as bad as what Greta Van Susteren describes on her show. And that idiot Sean Hannity, I’d rather rip my own head off rather than hear his vacuous arguments.”

Lord Balthazar emphasized that this was a one time deal and the agreements had to be signed by the end of the calendar year in order to be valid.

At the close of the presser Horkos was given a stack of Fed Ex envelopes and told by Balthazar to deliver the personalized contracts to each Fox anchor and pundit by the close of business today. No official word was given on what action Beelzebub will take if the agreements are rejected, but our sources in the Underworld tell us that as a last resort the Devil would offer Fox News employees lucrative positions in Purgatory tormenting the impure.