OAK BROOK, IL – (CT&P) – Television evangelist and walking fossil Pat Robertson warned his viewers this morning that McDonald’s decision to offer its breakfast menu all day long is likely to precipitate the End Times.
“This decision, when combined with the upcoming blood moon, fulfills the ancient Biblical prophecies that warn of the Apocalypse,” said a trembling Robertson. “We’re all fucking doomed.”
The decision to offer breakfast all day means McDonald’s is embarking on its biggest operational change in years. All of its more than 14,300 U.S. restaurants will be effected.
For years Robertson has blamed his chronic constipation on a three-per-day Filet-O-Fish habit.
The move to all-day breakfast, which McDonald’s has been testing since March and will start Oct. 6, was approved in a vote by franchisees last week and affirmed Tuesday by a franchisee leadership council, the company said.
The expansion marks the latest initiative under Chief Executive Steve Easterbrook, who took over on March 1 vowing to revamp the burger giant’s stale image and end a sales slump in the U.S. that began nearly three years ago.
McDonald’s customers for years have asked the company to sell breakfast items past the traditional 10:30 a.m. cutoff, but the challenges of cooking Egg McMuffins alongside Big Macs deterred the company. In an interview, McDonald’s USA President Mike Andres said it is the biggest strategic move the company has made since it rolled out its McCafe line of coffee and espresso drinks across the U.S. in 2009.
However, Robertson warned that CEO Easterbrook, despite his name, is really the demon Asag in disguise.
“Asag is well-known to cause all forms of illness, including food poisoning,” said Robertson, as he chugged his morning prune juice cocktail.
McDonalds CEO Steve Easterbrook told CNN that the all day breakfast menu was a marketing decision and had nothing to do with precipitating hell on earth. “This is a decision meant to help our bottom line, and if it triggers the return of Jesus, well then I’m prepared to offer him free Egg McMuffins for the duration of the Last Days,” said Easterbrook.
“McDonald’s is making this change as the moon turns blood-red for the fourth time in 18 months, signaling the completion of the tetrad and doom for this planet. I hope that every God-fearing American will boycott McDonalds and swing by a Chick-fil-A drive-thru instead. Remember, God hates fags, and so does Chick-fil-A.”
Meanwhile at a press conference this morning Andres explained that offering an all day breakfast menu had nothing whatsoever to do with the Apocalypse.
“Pat Robertson is a fucking kook, and anyone who listens to him is an idiot,” said Andres. “Hell, I wish we could just go on TV and beg for money in the name of Jesus, but we don’t have a fucking tax exemption like that asshole.”
“This is the consumers’ idea. This is what they want us to do,” Mr. Andres said. “That’s why I think this could be the catalyst for our turnaround.”
In response to Andres remarks, Robertson told Fox News that “the man was possessed by Baal” and had no clue what he was talking about.
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 