Tag Archives: bryan fischer

Ben Carson Takes Two Weeks Off To Come Up With More Crazy Ideas

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican presidential contender Dr. Ben Carson has put his public campaign events on hold for two weeks to go on book tour for his new tome “A More Perfect Union” and to attend meetings and seminars with lunatics and simpletons around the country in order to come up with some more batshit crazy ideas to hawk to his uneducated supporters.

An aide to Dr. Carson told Fox News that Carson felt that he needed to take advantage of his rising poll numbers to rake in some cash off sales of his fantasy novel to gullible right-wing Christians who actually believe he has a grasp of history and how government works.

“Dr. Carson has also expressed a desire to move away from the same old crazy ass ideas he’s been spouting and come up with some fresh conspiracy theories and wacked-out revisionist history,” said the aide.

The Republican presidential candidate and brain damaged former neurosurgeon is scheduled to hold lucrative book signings next week in Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa, where he expects dolts, dullards, and twits to stream in from trailer parks and survivalist compounds to meet him and buy copies of his book.

The aide said that the week after next will be spent visiting some of the premier panic monkeys, hucksters, religious zealots, and conspiracy theorists around the country in order to glean new ideas that he can use on the campaign trail to convince his followers that America should be some sort of theocracy ruled by a Christian version of sharia law.

“Dr. Carson plans on attending a seminar on Iron Age dinosaur-aided construction techniques at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Kentucky on the 26th,” said the aide. “He plans on spending the rest of the day with Mr. Ham to bone up on Ken’s ideas regarding just how Noah loaded the dinosaurs on the Ark and what they ate during the voyage.

“After spending the night at Ham’s Lucky Trinity Hotel and Casino in Petersburg, Dr. Carson will spend the rest of the week meeting with famous wackos and imbeciles like Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Louie Gohmert, to name a few. Ben is particularly excited to be meeting with Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association to learn how homosexuality is ushering in the End Times, and David Daleiden, who promised to show him some uncut footage of Planned Parenthood chopping up infants and sewing them back together to create armies of infant atheists and Muslims.”

Carson’s whirlwind tour will end with a weekend spent with panic monkey, historical revisionist, and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Glenn Beck on his End Times ranch and bunker complex located at an undisclosed location in the desert.

“Dr. Carson wants to leave no stone unturned in his quest to get the most fucked up and batshit crazy advice and ideas he can use to shore up his base and attract new lunatics to his cause,” said the aide. “I think by the time he gets back on the campaign trail he’ll be so full of shit you’ll barely recognize him.”

Wave Of Suicide Attacks Continues Across The Country

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX – (CT&P) – The wave of suicide attacks that has plagued the United States for weeks continues unabated as scores of pundits, right-wing politicians, and wacked-out ministers continue to strap on bigoted archaic arguments and run screaming toward the forces of societal progress and enlightenment.

The latest idiot to attack common human decency in favor of religious psychosis was the thoroughly unbalanced and hate mongering dimwit Bryan Fischer of American Family Association fame.

“The flooding in Texas is clearly God’s vengeance wreaked upon the sodomites of the southwest in the form of H2O!” said Fischer, as he foamed at the mouth on his daily decent into madness and hate known as Focal Point.

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Fischer, a good friend of Dennis Hastert, has fought homosexual urges for decades. He continues to broadcast every day despite chronic constipation and a host of other intestinal ailments.

“The geographical connection between the flooding, the practice of the occult and witchcraft, and the embrace of homosexuality is absolutely undeniable. The relationship between homosexual activity and natural disasters has been well documented and should be obvious to any reasonable person who believes a virgin gave birth to the Son of God who later in life morphed into a death-defying zombie.”

A mentally disturbed caller named Rebecca from Anal Seepage, Texas agreed with Fischer, saying “If God is judging Texas, it’s because of the witchcraft and sodomy that we’ve allowed to run rampant! I say we kill all the fags and all the liberals and all the atheists while we’re at it!”

Fischer used the caller’s comments as an excuse to go on a fifteen minute incoherent rant about atheists and how there should be a national registry for them like there is for sex offenders. He closed the show by saying:

“We can’t afford to let people capable of critical thought run free throughout our society! Real Christians should take up arms and kill the blasphemers and sodomites! That’s one thing them Mooslims have got right!”

 

 

 

Charlie Hebdo Solidarity Signage Ignites Wave Of Protest Across Bible Belt

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As the world mourns the loss of 12 more innocents in the civilized world’s battle with a bunch of Islamic fundamentalist bipedal turds, the signage used by Parisians to show their solidarity with Charlie Hebdo ignited a firestorm of ignorance across the Bible Belt today.

Evangelical leaders across the United States but particularly in the southeast called for a ban on the use of Jesus’ name on placards and posters used by those wishing to stand up for liberty and freedom of speech in Europe.

charlie2“We just can’t stand by and watch as the Lord’s name is taken in vain,” said Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association. “I am a great supporter of free speech as long as it agrees with whatever hatred I happen to spewing at the time, but this is taking it a little too far. Besides, them Mooslims aren’t all bad. They have a few good ideas, like executing homosexuals and keeping women in their place.”

Pat Robertson droned on and on during his 700 Club broadcast this morning about how the attack on Hebdo was a disgrace but using “Our Savior’s name” on posters was far worse. He warned his over 250 viewers that it would cause a new series of earthquakes and tidal waves in the Caribbean and elsewhere across the globe.

Perhaps the most interesting response came from Michele Bachmann, who ran to the nearest microphone to blame President Obama for both the attack and the signage. “This is a direct result of our socialist emperor Barack Obama not taking my advice to nuke Tehran over the Christmas holidays. Now, instead of having the Ten Commandments in every school and courthouse across America, we have those damn Frenchies carrying around blasphemous posters that say ‘Jesus Charlie!'”

When told about the reaction French President Francois Hollande said “I really don’t know what to say. Sometimes I curse my forefathers for ever helping those idiots gain their independence.”

Jesus Vehemently Denies Torture Allegations

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jesusmachinegun

ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – After a meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican earlier today, Jesus paused to speak with reporters regarding recent torture allegations made by the American Family Association’s Director of Issues Analysis and borderline psychopath Bryan Fischer. Jesus flatly denied that he supported torture in way whatsoever.

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Jesus told reporters that although he was against torture, having been a victim of it himself, he fully supported “no-knock” warrants made legal by the Patriot Act

“I just want to make it clear that I do not support torture in any of its many forms,” said the Prince of Peace. “This is about the millionth time I’ve had to correct that idiot Fischer. I really don’t know why all you talking monkeys continue to listen to him.”

The controversy erupted earlier this week when Fischer defended the CIA’s use of torture, saying that liberals “would drag the Bible’s heroes before the courts at Nuremberg and charge them with crimes against humanity” and suggesting on his radio program that Jesus would support the use of torture in a time of war.

Fischer went on to rant that “Christianity is not a pacifist religion. The God that we serve is described in Exodus 15 as a ‘man of war.’ Now we often think of gentle Jesus, meek and mild, but let’s not forget, according to Romans 19:13, when he comes back … he will be riding a white horse and wearing his own robe, dipped in blood. That is a robe that is worn by a warrior who is inflicting casualties on the foe. So this is gentle Jesus, meek and mild; when we comes back, his robe is going to be dipped in blood because he too is a warrior.”

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Jesus said that Fischer was also wrong about “the whole white horse thing” as he had long since traded the horse in for a Messiahraptor

Jesus seemed surprised that in this day and age anyone would listen to someone who has such a tenuous grip on reality.

“What is it about ‘turn the other cheek’ that this bigoted imbecile does not understand? Anyone who actually believes the tripe coming out of Fischer’s mouth needs to have his head examined,” said the Lord of Light. “This guy is literally brimming with hatred for just about anyone except straight white males over the age of 65. Frankly, I’m surprised that the son of a bitch has not been committed.”

Jesus was in Rome attending meetings with Pope Francis and a group of architects reviewing Heavenly expansion plans after Francis reduced entry requirements, allowing millions of pets to gain access to the Pearly Gates.

 

Homophobe Bryan Fischer To Be Fitted With Experimental New Muzzle

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Experts have postulated that Fischer’s archaic beliefs and rampant homophobia have something to do with his lifelong battle with constipation

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Right-wing radio host and American Family Association Spokesman Bryan Fischer will be fitted with an experimental new muzzle that will deliver an electric shock to the unhinged pundit whenever he says something incredibly stupid or hateful, according to AFA President Tim Wildmon.

“We have tolerated this idiot long enough,” said Wildmon, during an interview with Jesus Daily, a national tabloid devoted to all things Jesus. “He’s running off donors right and left with this obsession he has with homosexuals. He can’t even complete a sentence on the air without talking about gay marriage, sodomites, or homosexual behavior. I’m starting to think that the old geezer needs psychiatric treatment.”

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The experimental muzzle has only been tried before on serial killers and Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s pet Alsatians that are regularly used to rip political opponents to shreds after being covered in Hardee’s biscuit gravy

The tipping point for Wildmon’s decision to use the device, which has only been used before to train political execution dogs in North Korea, was apparently Fischer’s wild rant on his radio show over the weekend.

During a half-crazed 15 minute diatribe about God and gays, Fischer, like so many other evangelicals, pretended to know the mind of God and insisted that the omniscient and all-powerful deity was just as infatuated with homosexuality as he is.

During the borderline psychotic episode Fischer defended his Neolithic opposition to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights, arguing that anti-LGBT sentiment was a “natural revulsion.”

Fischer told his “Focal Point” listeners that the term “sodomy” has become culturally obsolete since “it’s an ugly word, because it refers to an ugly practice.”

“It’s not the word, it’s what it describes, it’s what it refers to,” he said. “We have a natural revulsion to that kind of behavior just as God does. We got that from God. God reacts the same way to homosexual behavior, to sodomy, as we do.”

One caller objected to Fischer’s observations, pointing out that the same God that created straights undoubtedly created gays as well, and besides, watching Bryan Fischer have heterosexual sex would be far more revolting than sodomy could ever be.

Apparently Tim Wildmon agreed with the caller because immediate action is being taken to bring the unhinged and sexually insecure Fischer to heel.

Wildmon told reporters that it would probably take few days to get the voltages and fit just right on the new muzzle, but we should expect to hear a much more reasonable Bryan Fischer over the airwaves sometime late next week.

God Condemns Bryan Fischer To Spend Eternity In Hell

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a working lunch with Pope Francis this afternoon, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to tell reporters that as a result of Fischer’s recent string of insane and hateful comments, he would be condemned to spend eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

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God told reporters that just because Fischer is sexually frustrated that gives him no right to spew hatred in His name.

“I have had it up to here with these charlatans making hateful and nauseating comments in my name,” said God. “I’m going to make an example of this dim witted freak for all the rest of you to see. I mean, look, I gave you a set of commandments to keep. Ten easy rules to follow so that you talking monkeys can all get along with each other. But no, you are too dumb to follow simple commands and insist on spewing hatred all over the airwaves while at the same time claiming to know what I am thinking. I’ve had it!”

God’s decision to immerse Fischer in the Lake of Fire until time ends came after a long series of idiotic and hate-filled comments came spewing forth from Fischer on his show aired by the American Family Association.

God handed the group of reporters a short list of Fischer’s sins while insisting he could fill an entire book with the despicable and heinous statements that the “moron” has spouted over the years.

In recent weeks on his radio program, Fischer has:

  • Declared it will be “the end of America” if Congress does not impeach President Obama
  • Denounced anyone who uses the word “racist,” then insisted that Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder “are racists.”
  • Sided with radical Islamists in Iraq in calling Obama a “devil worshiper.”
  • Suggested on Twitter that accepting homosexuality leads people to commit acts of necrophilia.
  • Said that LGBT people are inherently disqualified from holding public office.
  • Written an article in which he wonders if Robin Williams will go to heaven and insults Williams’s mother’s belief system (she was a Christian Scientist, Fischer says, and that is “a counterfeit form of religion that is neither Christian nor scientific”)
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God said that Fischer is not the first false prophet to be the Devil’s house guest, and surely won’t be the last.

God told reporters that Fischer should change the name of his program from “Focal Point” to “Feces Point” as it more accurately describes the filth coming out of this “pseudo Christian’s” mouth.

“Has this dude never heard of “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself?” asked God. “It is hard for me to imagine how I could have been any clearer.”

God closed the impromptu presser by warning others that the same fate awaits them if they don’t take Pope Francis’ advice and try to show love for all mankind, not just straight white people.

“One more thing before I go,” said God. “I’ve just straightened out Francis on this whole embryonic stem-cell research thing and I’m not going to repeat myself. Kevin McCullough, I’ve got my eye on you, one more dumb-ass comment about how the ALS Challenge kills unborn babies and you can expect to contract Ebola in the very near future, you brainless twit!”

As God was departing for the intergalactic terminal at Leonardo da Vinci International, a reporter asked what specific form of punishment awaited Fischer in Hell.

God responded, “I leave that kind of stuff up to Lucifer. He can be very creative. After all, that’s what I put him there for.”

 

Malevolent Despot Conspires With Liberal Media To Divert Attention From Border Crisis

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what pundits are calling a conspiracy that will make Benghazi look like child’s play, President Obama, with the clandestine cooperation of every major news source in America, has successfully drawn attention away from the crisis on our southern border that threatens the very fabric of our republic.

Thanks to a group of highly respected statesmen and political hacks, the nation’s attention in recent weeks has been focused on the wave of hideous monsters trying to invade our pristine country and make it their own. Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX), Texas Governor Rick Perry, paragon of reason Sarah Palin and others have illuminated the threat posed by the vile, contaminated children who are on a mission to weaken our health care system by overwhelming it with such horrors as ebola, tuberculosis, bubonic plague, Dengue fever, and the dreaded toenail fungus. What is worse, they’re doing it on orders from the tyrant in chief, Barack Obama.

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Reliable right-wing websites such as Obamaisablacklectroidfromthe8thdimension.com and Overthrowthenegrodictator.com are divided on the subject of whether the President pushed the “fire” button himself or merely ordered the shoot-down

But all that changed with the crash of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH-17 over eastern Ukraine.

The fiery crash has been covered 24/7 by every cable news outlet at the expense of the story that really matters, the invasion of the United States by hordes of evil kids who just don’t look like us real Americans.

Even Fox News interrupted coverage of the endless columns of walking disease vectors posing as children that are forcing their way into our country.

It was left to that ever vigilant group of intellectuals, the right-wing radio hosts, to dig deep and uncover the plot hatched by our tyrannical leader and his pals in the media.

Not surprisingly Rush Limbaugh, the corpulent leader of a small but vocal army of reactionary xenophobes, led the charge to reveal the truth. As soon as news of the tragedy broke, Rush was on it like white gravy on an entire tray of fresh-baked biscuits.

The radio show host called the disaster “an opportunity” for media outlets to distract viewers from the controversy surrounding President Obama and US border security. He suspected that CNN had already swept the immigration crisis under the rug and retreated back to “wall to wall” coverage of the plane.

Limbaugh called the whole thing “very eery.”

Eery indeed!

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Rush Limbaugh was the first pundit to see through Obama’s jet-fuel smokescreen. He told his scholarly and enlightened audience to prepare for “the mother of all investigations” by patriot and intellectual Darrell Issa

Other conservative hosts joined the effort to uncover just what role the Obama Administration had in the downing of the plane. At this time the consensus is that the puppet master Obama probably had one of his aides pose as Russian separatist rebel with a PhD in missile technology from the University of Moscow in order to infiltrate the launch team and target the jet.

However, there is a small but significant group of hosts and websites that think Obama’s overall incompetence caused the crash. They argue that if Obama had declared war on Russia a few weeks ago, like any reasonable president would have done, this tragic loss of life could have been avoided.

Regardless of who is correct, one thing is for sure, the border crisis is now taking a backseat, and coverage of the crash has given the socialist fag-loving autocrat an excuse to push his agenda of converting all our kids into flaming homosexuals.

After the President bemoaned the loss of over 100 scientists and researchers who were on the flight in route to an AIDS conference in Australia, guardian of Christ’s love Bryan Fischer pointed out the dictator’s heresy.

Fischer Tweeted that Obama was callously pushing his “radical homosexual agenda” by even mentioning the lost researchers. “It would make a lot more sense just to convince all men not to have sex with men,” said Fischer, whose widely publicized sexual confusion has made the news in the past.

No one knows when coverage of the tragedy will subside so we can get back to coverage of what counts, however, there is hope. Fox News plans on returning to normal programming later tonight when it airs episode 17 of its 52 part series Benghazi: How Hillary Clinton Murdered A U.S. Ambassador.

 

New Evidence Suggests Standardized Testing Is Turning Our Kids Into Gay Nazis

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gayhitler

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – Is your son obsessed with annexing the Sudetenland while wearing a dress? Does your daughter want to dye her hair blonde and buy a Subaru Forester? Do your kids look longingly to the east every spring while mumbling something about lebensraum? If so, they could be the victims of standardized testing, according to Florida state representative Charles Van Zant.

In a recent video, Rep. Van Zant (R-Keystone Heights) warned of the danger posed by standardized testing in general and the Common Core testing regimen in particular. He told a group of Common Core detractors that tests from the American Institutes of Research or ‘AIR’ were designed to “turn our kids gay.” Mr. Van Zant, known as ‘Kooky’ to his colleagues in the Florida House of Representatives, told a gathered audience that the new Common Core tests have been designed specifically to “attract every one of your children to be as homosexual as they possibly can.”

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American Family Association radio host Bryan Fischer is a good friend and confidant of Rep. Van Zant

“These tests,” said Van Zant, “are the most monstrous conspiracy to be perpetrated on our kids since the communist plot to flouridate our water just after World War II. The American Institutes of Research, who designed these malevolent tests, pretend to be a legitimate educational testing company. In reality, AIR is a shadowy organization of homosexual Nazis that have been hiding in Brazil since their parents fled Germany in 1945.”

“With the help of my good friend Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, I have been able to uncover this plot and with the help of Almighty God and our friends on the Supreme Court we will stop these evil servants of Satan.”

Mr. Fischer, right-wing radio personality and Director of Issues Analysis for American Family, was one of the first intellectuals to link gay activism with the Nazi party. According to Fischer, the Nazi party was loaded with homosexuals. “Just as the homosexual stormtroopers for Hitler were to exterminate and eliminate the opposition and beat them into silence, that’s what homosexual activists want to do today,” Fischer said last year, in one of his many rants on the subject.

When questioned by reporters about how a standardized test could be used to “convert” kids into homosexuality and turn them into National Socialists, Rep. Van Zant cocked his head and appeared to be listening intently. Then he responded, “Norman says that the tests make our kids double-minded. The Bible says a lot about being double-minded,” Van Zant said. “These people who will now receive $220 million from the state of Florida, and unless this is stopped, the tests will promote double-mindedness in state education.”

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‘Spiny Norman,’ a giant invisible hedgehog, has been Rep Van Zant’s friend and adviser for many years

Later, the thoroughly confused journalists were informed by one of Van Zant’s handlers that “Spiny Norman” is actually an invisible giant hedgehog that accompanies Representative Van Zant everywhere he goes. ‘Norman’ offers analysis and political advice to Van Zant and has been doing so since he was a small child.

Mr. Van Zant’s next appearance will be at the Jacksonville Civic Center in June, where he will discuss the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Admission is free.

Jesus Forced To Retreat After Skirmish With Forces of “Big Gay” Outside Phoenix

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Routed by a small but enlightened army of angry hair stylists and set designers, Jesus berated the Archangel Michael for “piss poor planning.” He is seen here retreating on his trusty rapturesaurus, “Clyde.”

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Bryan Fischer warns his vast nationwide audience of over 300 elderly white listeners of the dangers of offering equal rights to anyone who disagrees with his interpretation of the Bible

PHOENIX-The “forces of light,” led by Jesus Christ, suffered a humiliating setback yesterday outside Phoenix, Arizona when they were routed by “the forces of darkness,” led by the recently deceased Ian McKlellan. The sizable contingent of redneck religious zealots was sent scurrying back to the relative safety of the Arizona state senate chambers after a brief skirmish with a small but intelligent and highly motivated force of gay rights advocates.

Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, conservative radio talk show host, and imbecilic bigot, had predicted just such an outcome less than a week ago on his blockbuster hit show “Focal Point.” On Thursday March 6th, the Prophet Fischer had proclaimed that the future of America and the world would be determined by “whether the forces of light or darkness will prevail in the battle over special rights based on sexually deviant behavior.” Fischer went on to declare that “everywhere that ‘Big Gay’ gains ground, Christ is forced to retreat.”

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Fischer as he appears to anyone with an IQ over 55

Fischer, unsure of his own sexuality and long a champion of oppression and discrimination targeting gays, minorities, and the poor, went on to assert that the future of the entire planet hinges on beating back the forces of progress, societal enlightenment and equal treatment under the law. Fischer warned that “if the forces of sexual deviancy prevail…every part of our culture will be corrupted, it will be contaminated beyond repair and America…will plunge the world into an abyss of darkness and depravity.”

Although rarely correct about anything at all, Fischer seems to have hit the nine inch nail on the head this time. It seems that a poorly led and disorganized divine militia was no match for the masterfully led and motivated force it was up against outside Phoenix.

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General Ian McKellan based his battle plan on General Robert E. Lee’s masterpiece at Chancellorsville in 1863

General McKlellan, affectionately referred to as “Gandy” by his troops, based his plan of battle on Lee’s masterpiece, the battle of Chancellorsville. He used two divisions of hair stylists, servers, and set designers flown in on chartered flights from Atlanta and Los Angeles to pin down Christ’s superior numbers while he sent interior designers mounted on catering trucks on a flank march to his left. The route of the mobile force was obscured from view by one of Phoenix’s empty and overgrown neighborhoods abandoned after the housing collapse.

Unaware of the danger to their flank and rear,  Jesus and the Archangel Michael were busy leading futile charges against McKlellan’s well dug in troops. A special squad of combat engineers and part-time choreographers had designed an elaborate trench system that Jesus’ pickup-mounted rednecks simply could not penetrate.

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Jesus tried to rally his troops with the help of Corporal Ted Cruz and his rangers, known as the “Texas Gay Bashers”

The interior designers finally reached their jumping-off points near dusk. Letting out a blood-curdling, high-pitched, and rather effeminate version of the Rebel yell, they pounced on the right flank and rear of Jesus’ divine militia. The result was chaos, panic, and extreme sexual insecurity within the ranks of the redneck army. Despite mule-headed and senseless resistance on the part of a small group of hard-core Tea Party agitators led by Corporal Ted Cruz, the entire throng of Neanderthals was forced into a hasty, embarrassing retreat back inside the gates of Phoenix.

Down but not out, Jesus vowed to continue the battle at a later date. Sources tell us that the Archangel Michael will be replaced as second in command by the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) who is known for his bloodthirsty destruction of cities and ability to turn humans into pillars of iodized salt.

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A dejected Jesus returns to Phoenix aboard his backup ride, the messiahraptor “Armageddon’

The battle was reviewed ad nauseam on Fox News channel for 24 hours straight before the network got back to its normal cycle of continuous irrational pounding of Obamacare. On Special Report with Bret Baier, Charles Krauthammer criticized the leadership of the “forces of light” during the nightly segment “Panneau de Cretins.”

The lugubrious Krauthammer opined, “This is what happens when you have spineless, namby-pamby left-wing leadership. I mean, who is going to respect Jesus as a military leader after all that liberal “turn the other cheek” tripe in the New Testament? McKlellan is going to continue to run over him like Putin is doing to Obama in Crimea right now. We need to recruit someone with some grit and determination if we are going to win this all-battle against gay rights. I hear Mephistopheles is available. Maybe we can recruit him to run in 2016.”

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Bryan Fischer had a childlike hissy-fit and then descended into deep depression after the battle

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“Clyde,” Jesus’ trusty rapturesaurus, was captured during the battle and transported back to Atlanta where his captors intend to give him a complete makeover. “I think he would look just divine in purple feathers,” said Sid Marino, owner of Sid’s Chic Salon on Peachtree Street

Bryan Fischer is said to have had some sort of mental breakdown after the results of the battle were announced. He is said to be in deep depression and has retreated to a buried shipping container somewhere in Idaho. Foreseeing this possibility, his aides stocked the container with weapons, dehydrated beans, and survivalist pamphlets long ago.