Tag Archives: cabin anthrax

U.N. Leader Calls Gas Attack “Crime Against Humanity”

Posted in humor by

banjosleeping

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon called this morning’s massive poison gas attack on Cabin Anthrax “a vicious attack on innocent civilians” and a “crime against humanity” in a statement made to the press late this afternoon.

“Of all the horrific acts conducted against a civilian population this may be the worst,” said the Secretary-General, as he wiped a tear from his eye. “We don’t have casualty figures yet, but there seems to have been significant loss of life caused by the attack. We’re mobilizing all the assets we have and rushing them to help in the cleanup.”

The attack came just before dawn and was conducted by rebel leader Generalissimo Francisco Banjo (pictured above), mastermind of similar gas attacks in the past.

“It was terrifying,” said Jerry Dickerson, a survivor of the attack. “I was awakened out of a deep sleep and had to rush to the bathroom, turn on the fan, and light an entire book of matches in order to survive. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.”

General Banjo has been detained by Cherokee County authorities and is expected to make his first appearance at the World Court in The Hague sometime next week. He is charged with war crimes and crimes against humanity and fellow canines.

“I don’t know if he’ll be convicted or not because the evidence has long since dissipated, but I can tell you this, he’ll be one dead dog if interrupts another dream about Salma Hayek,” said Dickerson as he was released from the hospital.

Area Man Takes First Shower In Over A Week; Pets Grateful

Posted in humor by

Jerry666

 

MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson took his first shower in over a week today, sources say. The reclusive oddball was said to have been as ripe as garbage dump when he finally broke down and cleaned himself up early this morning.

Banjo3 (2)

Banjo was so revolted by Dickerson’s stench that he ran him off the sofa and into the master bedroom

The unfortunate Dickerson reportedly had been suffering for days from food poisoning contracted at a Turtletown drive-thru.

His pets and only neighbor within a mile of his cabin were among those grateful for his decision to pay a little attention to his personal hygiene.

“I’m eighteen years old and I used to consume decaying raccoon carcasses on a regular basis, and I can honestly say I’ve never smelled anything so foul,” said Banjo, Dickerson’s world champion Treeing Feist.

Auda, Dickerson’s Black Giant rooster, said, “Listen, we poultry eat and poop in the same place and I have to tell you that we wanted him nowhere near our coop. He was downright rancid!”

“I’m somewhat of an expert on excavating odoriferous crawlspaces full of all sorts of indescribable filth, and I can tell you, that dude was rank,” said Millie, an English Cream Golden Retriever.

Dozer, Dickerson’s Pit-bull/Husky mix, told the Ducktown Plain Dealer that his owner smelled so bad that he refused to bite him.

Neighbor Roger Wills said, “I felt sorry for the bastard because he felt so bad so I went and got him some Gatorade from the store down the street. But let me tell you, the fumes coming from inside that cabin were so bad I had to leave it on the doorstep. No way I was walking into that hell on earth.”

When asked if her owner didn’t have a legitimate excuse for being so malodorous having contracted such a dread disease, Millie told reporters, “Sure, but that doesn’t explain last month.”