Tag Archives: Carson

Obama Destroys Country…Again

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – President Obama destroyed the country again today by rejecting the Keystone Pipeline, a project that has been compared to some of the great engineering projects ever undertaken by human beings.

The President cited concerns regarding the climate as the reason he decided to kill the project and destroy what was left of the United States.

“America’s now a global leader when it comes to taking serious action to fight climate change,” Obama told reporters, standing in the Roosevelt Room beside Vice President Biden and Secretary of State John F. Kerry. “And frankly, approving this project would have undercut that global leadership. And that’s the biggest risk we face, not acting.”

He said now was the time to act to “protect the one planet we’ve got while we still can.”

While environmentalists and anyone possessed of any intelligence at all applauded the President’s decision, GOP politicians and presidential candidates criticized the move.

“The Keystone Pipeline would have made us energy independent for more than a week, and would have provided at least three dozen permanent jobs for Americans who are suffering because of the flood of illegal Central American children stealing their income and spreading disease across our country,” said the borderline insane Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR).

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Dr. Ben Carson told CNN that there was a silver lining to Obama’s decision, because it would hasten the arrival of the End Times and the fiery destruction of the earth.

“This is another victory for the international conspiracy of climate change scientists who are bent on worldwide Marxist revolution,” said Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), who’s been fighting Alzheimer’s disease for over five years now.

GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump told Fox News that he wasn’t worried about the decision, because the first day of his term he plans on building the “biggest, best, most beautiful pipeline ever made by man” to transport the dirtiest, filthiest, most environmentally destructive oil known to man down from Canada to the U.S. Gulf Coast.

Perhaps the most bizarre response to the President’s decision came from Dr. Ben Carson, currently in a dead heat with Trump for the Republican nomination.

Dr. Carson told CNN that he felt confident that although Obama, whom he referred to as the “Antichrist,” had rejected the pipeline and thus insured a second Great Depression, God would provide oil to America if he was elected.

“When I’m elected president I plan on building a series of giant pyramids across the country that can store oil that can be used in case of emergencies such as the Rapture or End Times,” whispered the unbalanced former neurosurgeon. “God takes care of those who take care of themselves.”

Obama’s rejection of the pipeline marks the fifth time this year he has destroyed the country. Experts state that in all he has destroyed the country at least 32 times since taking office.

Florida Town Bans Medical Poultry

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In a move which will surely cause distress in progressive and libertarian circles, Debary, Florida, a small city in the heart of Cretonia, has banned backyard chickens. The city council voted 3-2 last week to end a pilot program that allowed citizens to keep a few birds in their backyards.

“We made a mistake,” said city council member Chris Carson. “It was a pilot program that offered a little liberty and hope to our citizens, but it was just getting out of control.” Carson voted to end the program because he felt that people were beginning to harbor dangerous ideas of self sufficiency and independence from government. It seems a few folks were actually selling surplus eggs generated by their chickens and Carson feared that the city could miss out on a few cents of tax revenue. “I don’t support a program that has a door open to take advantage for commercial purposes,’ said Carson.

Carson received his graduate degree in economics from the University of Bombardopolis in Haiti, long known as a hotbed of economic success.

Councilman John Bigboote, who voted to continue the program, thinks Big Poultry got to Carson. “It’s obvious to me that Chris was paid off by Tyson, Gold Kist, or maybe Colonel Sanders himself,” said Bigboote. “He was all for the program when we started it. Now he’s gone over to the ‘Dark Side’. It’s really sad.”

Everyone is not giving up, however. Resident Joseph Hart intends to get a lawyer and fight to keep his chickens. Hart bought his chickens on advice from his son’s physician. Hart’s son J.J. is autistic and the chickens have been a great help in his treatment. “It’s made a tremendous difference in J.J.’s life,” Hart said. “His vocabulary has gone from ‘ducks’ to that of a normal kid his age.”

However, the vocabulary of most of the elected officials in Debary is sorely limited. It seems “compassion” and “empathy” are noticeably absent.

Mayor Harry Snapper Organs, in a speech to the local chamber of commerce, said “Look, we started this program to divert the public’s attention away from the graft and corruption that we value so much down here, but things are now out of control. Allowing ‘homegrown chicken’ in Debary has become dangerous and immoral. If people need treatment for their diseases they need to go to a doctor and seek a therapy approved by the FDA. On the other hand, if they need a few extra dollars income, they can work part time in a fast food joint,” said Organs.

Police Chief Bubba Buzzkill agreed. “Everyone knows that chicken is a gateway bird. If we allow this to continue, people will move on to harder birds such as turkeys, and God forbid, emus,” said Buzzkill.”Why, I heard only last week of guy down in Miami who was harboring an ostrich in his condo.” Buzzkill continued, “Maybe the only way to stop these home chicken labs is to ban the sale of chicken feed to the public, or pass some new poultry forfeiture laws up in Tallahassee.”

We contacted Dr. Frank Black of the Center For Sanity in Politics for his comments on the situation. “It’s the same old story. Not since the Middle Ages have we seen such a weird combination of reactionary politics and the disdain of reason as we do in contemporary Florida,” Black said. “However, there is hope,” Black continued,”according to my friends over at the World Meteorological Organization, in 200 years the whole miserable state should be underwater.”

There is no word yet on how Florida officials feel about backyard fish farming.

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