Tag Archives: cats

Nation’s Cats Grateful For Something New To Demolish

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – The Fraternal Order of Felines issued a statement this week thanking its human servants for once again bringing trees and shrubs inside homes across America this year and adorning them with fragile objects and wires with flashing lights on them.

The statement included testimonials from cats from every corner of the country about past winters when they wreaked havoc on numerous trees, destroyed valuable ornaments, and chewed through electrical wiring while successfully blaming the carnage on the family dog.

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Einstein from Sioux Falls said that lying in wait and pouncing on unsuspecting elderly relatives was his favorite pastime every Chrismas

“I look forward to this time every year,” said Socrates, a cat from Birmingham, Alabama. “There’s nothing better than waiting until my humans leave to visit grandma, and then completely undoing all their hard work. I really appreciate all the effort they put in every winter.”

Some cats stated that they prefer the real thing while others said they liked artificial trees better.

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Edgar from Atlanta, Georgia said that although it was big fun to wreak havoc with the fire department every once in a while, an indoor tree offered possibilities not found outdoors

“I prefer artificial trees,” said Einstein, a Grey Tabby from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. “They’re much more satisfying to chew on and you can admire the damage you did last year when they drag the thing out of the attic after Thanksgiving.”

Pandora, a Maine Coon from Los Angeles, California, disagreed saying, “There’s nothing better than a human trying to take a shortcut and putting a ceramic tree on the server in the dining room. They scare hell out of the dog when they crash to the floor, and all the debris is fun to bat around.”

Whatever the type of tree, the kitty consensus was that as long as humans continue to feed them and go to such ridiculous extremes to entertain them with new and creative decorations each Christmas, they would stick around the house for years to come.

 

 

 

 

Demon Cat Terrorizes Downtown Atanta

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“Nosferatu” paralyzes victims with his hypnotic gaze before dealing the death-blow and devouring them

ATLANTA, GA-A murderous demon-possessed feline is on the loose in Atlanta and is wreaking havoc in neighborhoods  along the I-20 corridor and nearby downtown connector. Little Five Points has been evacuated and Midtown is next. Residents of Metro Atlanta have been advised to buy huge quantities of milk and bread and stay in their homes.

“This is one hell of a lot more dangerous situation than a measly ice storm,” said Mayor Kasim Reed. “We have called out the national guard and have armored units surrounding the capital complex and the Centers for Disease Control. I want to emphasize that citizens should not stare blankly out their windows like they did at the snow because this monster takes control of your body using its hellish-looking eyeballs.”

The reign of terror began around six months ago when the cat’s owners, Matt and Susie McClendon, noticed that their adopted feline was bringing in an inordinate number of chipmunks and small rodents, then devouring them whole on the kitchen table. “First it was chipmunks and mice,” Mr. McClendon said. “Then it was raccoons, possums and foxes. It was when “Nosferatu” dragged in the neighbor’s 90 lb pit bull, ‘Killa’, that we became a little concerned. When the cat murdered and ate the couple across the street we felt like we had to inform the authorities.”

Susie McClendon added, “One day I found our maid in some kind of fugue state just staring at the wall with the vacuum in one hand. Nosferatu was on a nearby table getting ready to pounce. I barely had time to help her into her car and get her out of here. It was harrowing.”

All efforts to end the bloodbath have so far failed. A team of scientists at nearby Georgia Tech are working around the clock in the school’s fallout shelter to come up with some kind of weapon that will slow the cat down, but hope for saving the city is dwindling with every passing hour. The body count topped 25,000 Homo sapiens and untold numbers of other mammals over the weekend.

Federal authorities have been notified and are currently debating the use of an 80’s era neutron bomb. President Obama has appealed for calm in Atlanta as civil authority falls apart. Mayor Reed stated at a press conference on Monday,”Well that’s damn easy for him to say from the safety of Washington D.C. Let him come down here and let this fucking crazy cat get medieval on his ass. I bet he would be singing a little different tune then!”