Tag Archives: centers for disease control

Laura Ingraham To Be Placed In Quarantine

Posted in health care, humor, politics by

Conservative media personality Laura Ingraham speaks during the inaugural Freedom Summit meeting for conservative speakers in Manchester

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Radio talk show host and Fox News pundit Laura Ingraham has been detained and will be placed in quarantine facilities in Atlanta, according to Dave Daigle, a spokesman for the CDC. The action comes only two days after Ingraham blamed President Obama for the current cases of Ebola that have cropped up in the United States.

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Ingraham has for some time exhibited signs of instability, particularly when she discusses children or refugees from foreign lands.

On Wednesday’s edition of “The Laura Ingraham Show,” the child-hating anti-immigrant pundit made some despicably naive and misleading comments about President Barack Obama’s handling of the Ebola crisis, using faulty logic: even though President George W. Bush did more for Africa, Obama’s “familial connection with Africa” and compulsion to aid the impoverished region is much more dangerous.

Ingraham wants her listeners to believe that like every other problem in the known universe, the Ebola crisis is Obama’s fault.

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According to Daigle, Ingraham will be released “as soon as she poses no threat to the general public.”

At a press conference on the steps of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta, Daigle told reporters that Ingraham had exhibited symptoms of “pretzel logic, bigotry, and an inability to make any sense whatsoever” while on a national broadcast. “We just could not take the chance that Ingraham would spread the infection to her listeners,” said Daigle. “We already have enough conspiracy theory wing nuts running around the country as it is. God help us if she spreads the malady to even more dim witted Americans.”

Daigle stressed that the quarantine was “only a precaution,” and Ingraham would be placed on the same ward with Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, who were already under observation.

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Ingraham will be placed on the same ward with Sarah Palin, who is suffering from some sort of persecution complex and thinks she is being followed by dozens of spiders with human heads.

“We just want to make damn sure that this special form of idiocy doesn’t spread, and we intend to ere on the side of caution, after all, a disease that threatens our ability to reason is just as deadly as Ebola or Dengue Fever to our national well being.”

As she was being transported into the facility in a straight-jacket Ingraham screamed at reporters that she was not insane. “I always make perfect sense! I’m not crazy! This is what you get when you let illegal immigrants into the country! All those kids should be shot!”

Ingraham’s audience of over 1200 listeners are expected to take the quarantine in stride and tune into Glenn Beck instead until she is released.

 

Centers For Disease Control ‘Misplaces’ Ebola Patient

Posted in health and fitness, humor by

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The Atlanta Journal-Constitution is reporting this morning that the Centers for Disease Control have apparently ‘misplaced’ Dr. Kent Brantly, who had been flown into Atlanta to receive treatment at Emory University Hospital. The AJC reported that Brantly, who has been slowly improving, was moved over the weekend to the CDC campus for some tests. He was to return to Emory Sunday night.

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Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed told the AJC that he lives in fear of being told that some laboratory experiment over at the CDC has gone terribly wrong

“Something went badly wrong here,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the CDC. “As everyone in America knows, we take great pride in our safety and inventory protocols, and run this place strictly by the book. This is the first foul-up we’ve had since that anthrax powder got into the cafeteria mashed potatoes earlier this summer. I want to assure the public that Brantly is here somewhere, but we have a large campus and it might take a while to track him down.”

The unit where Brantly was being treated over at Emory is run by Dr. Bruce Ribner. “The patient was just supposed to be transported over there and back so those idiots over at the CDC could culture some live virus,” said Dr. Ribner. “How the hell they managed to lose him beats the hell out of me.”

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Reed denied rumors that the city has hired Brad Pitt as a consultant paid to come up with contingency plans in case Atlanta is overrun by zombies from the CDC

Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed was also not amused with the situation.

“Just who the hell is running that asylum over there?” said Reed. ” How in God’s name do you lose some dude who can’t even get out of bed because he’s hemorrhaging all over the place? I mean Jesus! The son-of-bitch was in a giant Glad bag for Christ’s sake. Rick Perry has got it easy. All he has to worry about is tuberculosis. I live in fear every day that some federal official is going to call me and tell me that we have some plague of brain-eating zombies overrunning the city. Those people over there couldn’t find their ass if they used both hands! Shit!”

The unfortunate misplacement of Brantly comes at a bad time because a second ebola victim, Nancy Writebol, arrived at Dobbins Air Force base early this morning. She was scheduled to be transported to Emory later today.

However, upon hearing the news of Brantly’s disappearance, she immediately ripped a hole in the protective tent surrounding her gurney and demanded to be transported to Fulton Urgent Care, a doc-in-the-box on Buford Highway, instead.