Tag Archives: charlie crist

A Christmas Miracle

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BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In what many are calling a Christmas miracle, Charlton Heston appeared out of nowhere this morning on the beaches of northwest Florida. Heston was on horseback and was accompanied by a scantily clad mute female who many believe was Mary Magdalene or possibly even the Virgin Mary.

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Heston screamed and writhed on the sand for hours in front of curious onlookers who had woken up early to enjoy free beer and hot dogs before the wet elf costume contest at the Spinnaker.

For hours Heston galloped up and down the beaches berating the native population for re-electing the ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott as their governor.

“Damn you! God damn you all to hell!” screamed Heston.

For many decades Heston has been an icon of the right and a huge supporter of the NRA. However, Heston’s support of marriage equality and his objections to oppressive new voter ID laws has recently put him at odds with the GOP leadership in Florida. Heston pumped a great deal of cash and effort into Charlie Crist’s campaign and was apparently frustrated that the citizens of Florida have once again chosen a “false idol” to worship for four more years.

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Although a famous icon of the right, Heston has long supported marriage equality.

“You idiots,” yelled Heston, “what is it about snake gods and golden calves that turns you people on so much?”

Heston then jumped off his horse and made a huge display of tearing up his Florida voter ID card and throwing it on the sands of “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

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After several hours of marching up and down the beach hurling epithets at Cretonians of all ages, Heston turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, and rode off.

“The Lord Our God will kick your ass for this travesty!” said Heston. He then turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, jumped back on his horse and rode off.

Most pundits believe that Heston’s temper tantrum will have little effect on Florida politics, and the state will remain a “Forbidden Zone” for many years to come. Political pundit Barry Edwards told Wolf Blitzer on CNN that “This whole region is like a vast wasteland of intelligence. It’s gonna take one hell of a lot more than a Christmas miracle to fix this God-forsaken state. We might as well lift off and nuke the entire site from orbit-it’s the only way to be sure.”

Frustrated By Debate Fiasco, Florida Governor Rick Scott Attacks And Devours Giant Alligator On Outskirts Of Everglades

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott campaign told our intrepid reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the governor killed and consumed a large alligator during the drive home to Tallahassee after the debate last week.

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This marks the second time Governor Scott has eaten an alligator while in office. The first time was at a party celebrating his executive order slashing aid to poor families in the state.

Apparently Scott demanded that the campaign bus, the “Python Express,” stop on the outskirts of the Everglades, whereupon he tore off his clothing, leaped from the vehicle and disappeared into the scrub. Efforts to stop the governor were met with threatening posturing and loud hissing from Scott.

“It was really terrifying,” said an aide who wished to remain anonymous. “He coiled up and was ready to strike anyone who tried to stop him. We were able to follow him for a while because of that unearthly glow given off by his scales when he gets excited, but we eventually had to stop when he reached a swampy area teeming with alligators.”

The aide reported that the next morning a stuffed and lethargic Scott was found sunning himself on the median of the interstate.

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Scott’s diet is not limited to other reptiles. His wife Ann still mourns the disappearance of Reagan, a yellow lab the family adopted in 2010. Reagan disappeared during a party celebrating tax breaks Scott gave to huge corporations doing business in the state.

“It took six of us to pick him up and put him back on the bus,” said the unnamed aide. “He was quite content to nap for most of the trip home while he was absorbing the enormous reptile.”

Apparently Scott’s diet is not limited to other reptiles. Sources say that Scott is an opportunist and somewhat of a scavenger. Visitors have noted the complete absence of any wildlife around the governor’s mansion and Scott’s guard detail has to continually replace Alsatians listed as “missing and presumed dead.”

Melissa Sellers, Scott’s campaign manager, told reporters that now that the governor has fed, he should be able to devote all of his time to being reelected.

“He won’t need to feed again for approximately six weeks,” said Sellers. “By that time the race will be decided and he can be returned to his enclosure. He won’t pose a threat to anyone for quite some time.”

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott Temporarily Misplaces His Mind

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rick55

TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Governor of Cretonia and part-time Aztec snake god Rick Scott temporarily lost his mind Wednesday night during a debate with challenger Charlie Crist. Scott’s irrational and confused state apparently stemmed from an argument over a fan that Crist had placed at his feet in order to keep him cool during the proceedings.

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Scott is widely believed to be a reincarnation of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god

The debate was delayed for around seven minutes while organizers tried to convince Scott to take the stage and much of the audience cat-called and booed the Governor.

“Scott stomped his foot repeatedly and refused to come on stage for what seemed like an eternity,” said Patty Pollywog, one of the debate’s organizers. “Scott called the fan ‘an electric talisman,’ that could be used to coach Crist. He told us he had heard voices emanating from the fan during previous debates and said that ‘contact with the Great Beyond was strictly forbidden during political appearances.'”

“We finally convinced him to carry on after explaining to him that the fan only evened the odds. Everyone knows that Crist, being a mammal, needed to stay cool under the hot klieg lights on stage, whereas a cold-blooded reptile like Scott would naturally warm up and become more alert and active with the heat.”

Scott finally relented under pressure and the debate went on as planned.

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Governor Scott told a horrified audience that the human sacrifices could be combined with appearances by popular musicians such as Kenny G in order to draw more tourists to the state

Scott seemed to be holding his own until late in the debate when he advocated offering human sacrifices to the sun in order to make sure it rose every day over Florida’s beautiful beaches. He told the audience that an almost endless supply of victims could be found within Florida’s ridiculously overcrowded prison system.

“It would be a real honor for those folks, and they would finally serve some purpose in society and be guaranteed revered status in the Underworld after what would be a particularly savage and painful death,” said Scott.

Scott explained that he was sure that there would be no shortage of law enforcement personnel willing to serve as priests and a series of giant pyramids or ziggurats could be built up and down the coast of Florida where the unfortunate prisoners could have their organs removed on a daily basis.

“Think of the tourist trade,” said Scott. “We would be flooded with visitors from all over the world, and the amount of money we would save not having to house and feed non-violent offenders would be enormous!”

Florida Gov. Crist Visits NOAA's Hurricane Center

Crist, a member of the Boehneris orangicus family of mammals, was crowned winner of Wednesday night’s debate by most pundits

Scott went on to explain that the savings would be used to set up a trust fund that would be used to teach remedial English, math, and science courses to probation officers and other under-educated citizens of Florida.

“It would be a win-win proposition for everyone in the state,” concluded Scott, whose scales had begun to luminesce an unearthly green.

Thankfully at that point aides dragged the glowing Scott offstage and cooled him off with a mobile refrigeration unit kept on hand for that very purpose.

Pundits have generally given Crist the victory in the debate, although some of his ideas such as providing free tanning salons to the state’s less fortunate citizens did raise some eyebrows.

 

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott Said To Be Experimenting With Peyote

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rick55

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott reelection campaign told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis yesterday that the governor experimented with several types of hallucinogens while on a state-funded visit to Central and South America last week.

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Governor Scott is widely believed to be the product of a union between Dr. Timothy Leary and the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl

Governor Scott surprised lawmakers and constituents alike by taking time off from his official duties of denying black people the vote and derailing Medicare fraud investigations to hurriedly plan the trip just after the Hobby Lobby decision came down from the Supreme Court.

The tour was ostensibly taken in order to promote business and cultural exchange between Central and South American countries and the state of Florida. However, aides to Governor Scott told Snetterton-Lewis that Scott took the opportunity to visit several remote Indian tribes deep in the rain forest in order to observe and in some cases take part in religious rituals conducted by some of the most popular and sought-after shamans in the region.

Almost all the events that Scott attended included the ritual consumption of hallucinogenics or dissociatives administered by tribal elders or priests in order to help the participant achieve a higher plane of reality or deep meditative state.

“He really had one hell of a good time on that trip,” said an aide, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “In fact you could say that he had several excellent trips within the larger overall trip.”

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While in South America dabbling with a little Peruvian torch cactus, Scott met a conservative-leaning witch doctor named Marvin. Scott was so impressed that he plans on making Marvin director of youth outreach at his new church.

The purpose behind Scott’s bizarre behavior only came to light after Snetterton-Lewis found another aide willing to talk about Scott’s long-term plans in case he loses the upcoming election to Democrat contender Charlie Crist.

Having had a bad experience in the health care business (600 million in Medicare fraud) Scott apparently plans to found his own church based loosely on a conglomeration of different mystic religions and voodoo cults. He plans on building a mega-church near the Ebro Dog Track just outside Panama City Beach, Florida, where he hopes to attract a congregation of wealthy business owners seeking to deny all medical care to their employees.

“It’s his way of giving back to the corporate interests that have funded his campaigns and slush funds used to push through legislation that hurt the average citizens of Florida,” said the aide.

Sources say that the name of the new religion has not yet been determined, but possibilities include The First Church of SCOTUS, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Tumors, and Our Lady of the Untreated Carcinoma.

Scott has however, decided on a slogan that he thinks will really attract the kind of congregation he is courting:

“Doctors? We don’t need no stinking doctors!”

 

 

 

 

Jubilant New Yorkers Throng Times Square After Sean Hannity Announces Imminent Departure

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NEW YORK-An estimated crowd of over 200,000 people crowded Times Square and surrounding areas yesterday as word leaked out that Fox News personality and insane person Sean Hannity intends to depart New York and set up camp in the Bible Belt. Hannity made the announcement during a nonsensical rant on his radio program Monday afternoon. The public only found out about the announcement yesterday morning because so few New Yorkers actually listen to the program.

Hannity was responding to comments made by Governor Andrew Cuomo concerning extreme right-wing lunatics and most New Yorker’s desire for them to live elsewhere. Hannity took umbrage to Cuomo’s remarks and said “I want you to know that I can’t wait to get out of here. I really can’t. I don’t want to pay their 10 percent tax anymore.” Hannity continued “I live in the second-highest property-taxed county in the entire country in  Nassau County. I can’t wait to pay no state income tax down in Florida or Texas.”

Hannity continued to rant and rave for the rest of the segment about how oppressive taxes were in New York. “Look, I only made about 24 million last year. By the time I pay federal, state, and local taxes, I barely take home enough to buy a loaf of bread each week. I’m sick of the government giving handouts to lazy poor people and minorities in the form of food stamps and healthcare.  It’s high time the top 1% in this country stood up for its rights. The government has no right to take my hard-earned money and use it to try to help the oppressed and downtrodden! It’s un-American,  counterproductive, and it’s just not the Christian thing to do. You’d never see Jesus hanging out trying to help the poor. Read your Bible if you don’t believe me.”

Although the citizens of New York were exultant over Hannity’s plans, the few intelligent beings inhabiting Florida and Texas were mortified.

“Just what we need,” said former governor Charlie Crist, “another right-wing miscreant moving to Florida. First Rush Limbaugh and now Sean Hannity. Who’s next, that brain-damaged psychopath Glenn Beck? What in God’s name did we do down here to deserve this?”