Tag Archives: chris christie

Subhuman Monster Declares Trump An ‘Absolute Genius’

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nosferatu-1

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Yesterday hideous throwback and miscreant Rudy Giuliani called Donald Trump an ‘absolute genius’ for losing 916 million dollars in a boom market and then writing it off so he could avoid paying taxes for over a decade.

Giuliani, an almost universally despised human lamprey who has feasted on the blood of 9/11 victims for fifteen years, removed Trump’s penis from his fang-filled mouth long enough to defend him over and over again on a variety of Sunday shows, proving yet again that he will do anything for fame and fortune.

“The man’s a genius,” said the Trump Campaign’s lead adviser on bigotry and racism on CNN’s “State of the Union.” “He knows how to operate the tax code for the people who he’s serving, even if all those people happen to be Donald Trump,” as he wiped blood from his chin.

In this case, Mr. Giuliani added, Mr. Trump had simply acted as any bloodthirsty capitalist leech would in order to save money for his enterprises. Mr. Trump’s investors, he added, could have brought legal action or even sent former KGB assassins against Mr. Trump had he not taken advantage of the tax law’s provisions to avoid taxation.

But in an ABC News interview, Mr. Giuliani, sounding increasingly frayed, offered a remark that focused explicitly on Mrs. Clinton’s gender.

“Don’t you think a giant orange douche of a man who has this kind of economic genius is a lot better for the United States than some bitch who can’t even make it to her vehicle?” he asked.

Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey, another ass licking adviser to Mr. Trump, argued that rather than demonstrating any kind of malfeasance, the tax records published by The Times showed Mr. Trump to be singularly qualified to overhaul the federal tax code so that the rich could steal even more cash from hardworking Americans.

Mr. Christie, who has been assigned his own zip code by the U.S. Postal Service because of his enormous fat ass said the documents supporting the report illustrated Mr. Trump’s great success in crushing the little guy while raking in as much money as possible for himself and wealthy investors.

“This is a guy who, when lots of businesses went out of business in the early 1990s, fought and clawed back to build another fortune, to create tens of thousands of more jobs, so he could fuck those people as well, and I absolutely adore him for it,” Mr. Christie said on “Fox News Sunday.”

“This is actually a very, very good story for Donald Trump,” he added. “We can spin it in very creative ways so it looks like we actually care about ‘Joe Six Pack.’ After all, most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat, so they’re easily fooled.”

Country Founded On Christian Principles Rejects Widows And Orphans

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

syriankid

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The United States of America, a country founded by men whose paramount concern was forming a nation built on the principles of the New Testament, is desperately trying to deny entrance to widows and orphans fleeing war and oppression at the hands of stone age savages.

The effort is being led by members of the Jesus-loving right, but plenty of Democrats worried about reelection are jumping on the bandwagon as well.

Presidential candidates Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Chris Christie, as well as governors from 31 states, are leading the charge to prevent the dangerous-as-hell refugees from entering our beloved country.

“You never know when a five-year-old might have swallowed a cluster bomb and be biding his time to set it off,” said Governor Christie, as he slammed a 5000 calorie cheeseburger from Hardees.

Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz both support a vigorous Inquisition-style verification of religious beliefs before we let anyone into the country that might even smell of Islam.

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Jeb Bush has proposed the formation of a new federal agency headed by Dick Cheney that would hang refugees by their thumbs until they admitted they didn’t love Jesus.

“We just can’t take the risk that someone who doesn’t love Jesus be allowed in our country,” said Bush. “It’s the way the Founders wanted it. I propose that we enlist Dick Cheney, who served my brother well, to torture these women and children and find out just whose side their on!”

Ted Cruz, who recently graduated from fifth grade, agreed.

“I’m officially challenging the Antichrist Obama to a duel,” he said, as he wiped milk chocolate off his cheek.

“We can’t sit around and watch while our government shows compassion to a bunch of filthy foreigners. Just look what happened when all those Central American kids spread Ebola all over the country! I tell you it’s disgraceful, and Jesus is nauseated.”

The House of Representatives, not to be outdone, is set to approve a bill today that would in effect prevent or at least pause the trickle of Syrian and Iraqi refugees entering the United States.

When the House chaplain quoted James 1:27: “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world,” during his prayer this morning, Speaker Ryan replied that anyone who wanted to go visit a bunch of fucking Muslims could go visit them in camps in the Middle East.

President Obama has vowed to veto the legislation. It seems that the only Christian left in Washington is the one the religious right thinks is the Antichrist.

 

Chris Christie Announces He Will Be Lumbering For President

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LIVINGSTON, N.J. – (CT&P) – Governor Chris Christie declared his candidacy for president here on Tuesday in a 20-minute speech full of New Jersey-style swagger, vowing that as president, “there is one thing you will know for sure: where I stand on every issue, because I am physically impossible to miss.”

Mr. Christie, a two-term governor, offered himself up as a teller of difficult truths, who would never shy from making the kind of painful dietary choices required in the White House — even, he said, if “what I eat makes you cringe every once in a while.”

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Christie’s candidacy marks the first time a sauropod ran for president since William Howard Taft did in 1908

“We must tell each other the truth about the problems we have and the difficulties of the solution,” he said outside a gymnasium here at the high school where he was once class president.

Taking swipes with his tail at his Republican rivals in the Senate, Mr. Christie said there would never be doubts about his ability to perform the job of president, once the White House was enlarged to contain his incredible bulk.

The announcement marks the first time that a sauropod has run for president since William Howard Taft’s successful campaign in 1908.

However, Christie will not be the only extinct species running for the Republican nomination.

There are several Neanderthals, two Australopithecines, three Homo erectus, one Homo rubiofensis, one Homo religulous and one candidate that is the last member of his species known to be alive, Trumpus pompousus, or “Asshole Man.”

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The nearly extinct Trumpus pompousus or “Asshole Man” surprised many pundits with his impressive poll numbers in New Hampshire

The rest of the field is made up of bipedal hominids with varying levels of rudimentary intelligence.

Pundits and odds makers in Vegas have given Christie a one in ten chance of winning the nomination, but at this early stage anything can happen.

Republican strategist Karl Rove was quoted as saying, “If Christie manages to get any momentum he will be hard to stop because of his massive bulk and complete lack of any moral standards. The other candidates would do well to stay out of his way, particularly if there is any food involved.”

Christie is expected to appear sometime this week for an hour-long ass-kissing extravaganza on the Sean Hannity show where a salivating and sexually aroused Hannity is expected to fawn over the candidate like he does every other dumbass fascist he comes across.

Anti Vaxxers Call Emergency Séance To Seek Guidance From Spirit World

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seance1

SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – Leaders of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association and the Vacuous Housewives Club of Orange County, the two largest anti-vaccination groups in the country, have called a crisis meeting this weekend to discuss how to respond to the barrage of criticism the groups are receiving over the measles outbreak currently sweeping the country.

Officeholders of both organizations will be present at the emergency summit as well as several luminaries and public advocates for the misguided cause. Former Playmate and Rhodes Scholar Jenny McCarthy, serial killer and conspiracy theory kook Jeffrey John Aufderheide, virus rights advocate Senator Thom “Typhoid” Tillis (R-NC), and New Jersey governor and planetoid Chris Christie will all be in attendance.

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Anti-vax leader and serial killer Jeffrey John Aufderheide will be the keynote speaker at the emergency meeting

The emergency summit will commence on Saturday morning with a series of round table discussions on how to best deflect the criticism of nearly every sane person in the United States and carry on with the asinine policies that have loosed a once-eradicated disease on an unsuspecting public.

The discussions will be followed up with a gala dance featuring West African witch doctors and shamans on loan from obscure Brazilian rain forest tribes.

Late Saturday night, VIP guests will be treated to a gathering where famous medium and charlatan John Edward MaGee Jr. will conduct a séance in an attempt to reach long-dead anti-intellectuals and enemies of science to seek their advice in averting a catastrophe for “The Cause.”

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Aufderheide has repeatedly warned visitors to his website that lizard people from outer space are attempting to take over our planet

Mr. MaGee will enter the “spirit world” and try to speak with such revered personalities as Puritan John Cotton, Chairman Mao of China, various former leaders of the Spanish Inquisition, and most importantly, leader of the Cambodian Khmer Rouge guerrillas, Pol-Pot.

“We’d like to get some advice on just how we can keep this dumb ass anti-vaccination movement going,” said Jenny McCarthy, president of the Vapid Blonde Models Society. “I’d really like to get in touch with General Fransisco Franco of Spain to get some advice on how we could initiate our very own ‘White Terror’ campaign. After all, I think we can all agree that intellectuals and scientists are Public Enemy #1 in this country.”

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Anti-vax leaders invited New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to attend the summit in hopes that the gravitational field that surrounds him will attract long dead personalities from the spirit world to their fucked up seance

Jeffrey John Aufderheide agreed with McCarthy saying: “We have to nip this criticism in the bud. Most of it is coming from alien lizard people from outer space posing as cable TV pundits anyway. If we don’t find some way to stop this invasion from Planet 10, the earth is doomed.”

Most pundits believe that the summit meeting has a snowball’s chance in hell of stemming the tide of criticism for the anti-vax crowd. “Even the mentally deficient American public has enough sense to see the logic in protecting our kids from the ravages of preventable diseases,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News.

 

Even in California the tide seems to be turning against the dunderheads in the anti-vax crowd. State politicians from both sides of the aisle are proposing legislation to join 32 other states in limiting exemptions for childhood vaccinations.

“We’ve got to get a grip on things before these morons fuck things up for the rest of us,” said California State Senator Richard Pan, a pediatrician from the 6th District. “If these idiots don’t want to vaccinate their kids, fine. Let them live in total isolation from the rest of us. The nitwits don’t make any valuable contribution to society anyway. Fuck ’em!”

 

 

 

Christie Proves He’s Got What It Takes To Be Republican Nominee

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horseass1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Most right-wing pundits and political strategists  believe that because of his recent actions regarding the Ebola non-crisis in the United States, New Jersey governor and Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie has proven his bona fides and will become the frontrunner in the race for the nomination.

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Coulter became so excited during her appearance on Hannity’s show that she used up almost 80% of her available fat reserves and required intravenous fluids in order to remain conscious

Celebrated Republican strategist Karl Rove told Sean Hannity during an appearance on his show that Christie “proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he should be the frontrunner.”

“Governor Christie’s ability to deflect blame onto others during Bridgegate was positively Reaganesque, said Rove. “And by locking up that brave Ebola-fighting nurse he showed that he can act recklessly and with complete disregard for science, reason, and the opinions of experts. That’s exactly what we expect out of a Republican president. I think his future is bright indeed.”

Ann Coulter, rabid right wing pundit and concentration camp survivor, also appeared on Hannity’s show.

“Christie’s actions show a real lack of reasoning and restraint, and we’ve sorely missed that erratic and impulsive behavior over the last six years,” said Coulter. “His complete lack of compassion and empathy with health care workers desperately fighting to stop the Ebola epidemic shows that he can be a real prick and a giant horse’s ass, and that really turns me on!”

The nation’s most prominent horse’s ass, Bill O’Reilly, agreed with Rove and Coulter.

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America’s most prominent horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly told his decrepit viewers that “Christie has shown that he will act with reckless disregard for science and reason, and that makes him a candidate I can wholeheartedly support.”

O’Reilly told his elderly and weak-minded viewers that “I recognize a fellow horse’s ass when I see one, and Christie is one of the largest I’ve ever come across. Christie is a man who will act first and ask questions later, and that’s the kind of guy we need with his finger on the nuclear trigger.”

“I think Christie will be an articulate representative for our side in the upcoming election,” continued O’Reilly. “He’ll be able to express our policies of demonizing immigrants, gays, and poor black people in way that even the dumbest American will be able to relate to.”

The most recent polls of registered Republicans show that as a result of Christie’s recent hasty and uninformed decision-making, he has passed Texas Governor Rick Perry in popularity. Most of those being polled cited Perry’s low IQ as being a major stumbling block in the upcoming race. However, Perry continues to be the favorite among Tea Partiers and gun nuts.

 

 

 

Chris Christie Denies Knowledge Of Aides Plans To Dynamite The George Washington Bridge

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US-VOTE-2012-REPUBLICAN CONVENTION

TRENTON-At a press conference earlier today New Jersey Governor and GOP presidential hopeful Chris Christie denied any prior knowledge of his aides’ plans to dynamite the George Washington Bridge in the event of a Christie defeat in last year’s gubernatorial race.

“I am absolutely shocked to discover that any of my staff would be so vindictive,” said Christie. “We in the Republican Party have always been champions of the working class, and the destruction of the George Washington Bridge would have caused monetary loss to many of our citizens who commute to work every day in New York. It also would have caused a real hassle for some of my wealthy donors who don’t yet own helicopters, and more than likely would have had a negative impact on my presidential aspirations. All in all I think it was a bad idea.”

The crisis in the Christie administration was brought about by the recent publication of text messages and emails exchanged between two of Christie’s aides. The aides involved in the scandal are both childhood friends of Christie and have been part of his political team from the very beginning, when he ran his first campaign for student body president at Livingston High School.

The aides in question, Sylvio “The Baby Crusher” Soldano and Joey “Sausage Maker” Scarfo, were apparently worried about a Christie loss in the 2013 gubernatorial campaign despite an over 20 point lead in pre-election polls. Not being individuals who take losing lightly, the two concocted extensive plans for revenge on political figures who did not endorse Governor Christie, as well as their respective districts.

Fort Lee and its mayor, Mark Sokolich, were singled out as prime targets for retribution because Sokolich endorsed Democrat Barbara Buono over Christie in the general election which took place on November 5th. Fort Lee is also known as a “hotbed” for Democrat support, as are hundreds of other towns in New Jersey.

According to recently obtained transcripts of emails and text messages, in the event of a Buono victory, Soldano and Scarfo planned to first block all traffic and then use two tons of plastic explosives to demolish the New Jersey side of the bridge. They also had plans to detonate a Cold War era neutron bomb in the center of Fort Lee.

During questioning by the FBI, Soldano admitted that “We wanted to use the neutron device because it causes maximum loss of life while preserving most of the buildings and infrastructure so that they could be used by a friendly administration four years from now. Going with the neutron bomb would have allowed us to ‘take care of’ all those Buono voters without having to spend a bunch of dough on new construction contracts. We just thought of it as a slight ‘modification’ of the New Jersey landscape.”

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Artist’s rendering of Fort Lee after Soldano’s proposed “modifications”

After a half-hearted apology to Mayor Sokolich and the people of Fort Lee, Governor Christie closed the press conference by defending the actions of his long time aides. “Joey and Sylvio have been loyal team players for as long as I can remember. Sure, sometimes they go a little bit overboard, like the time they ‘disappeared’ my competition for student body president at UD, but they really are generous, fun-loving guys once you get to know them. I promise the good people of New Jersey and this great nation that I’ll give them a ‘good talking to’ about showing more discretion when using electronic communication devices.”

In response to a reporter’s question as he left the dais, Governor Christie vehemently denied persistent rumors that Scarfo had made kielbasa out of former New Jersey Secretary of Agriculture Vinnie Calzone, who has been missing for over six months.