Tag Archives: Christian

Recently Deceased Trump Supporters Fail To Convince Jesus

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PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – A delegation of newly dead Trump supporters arrived at the Pearly Gates this morning only to have their credentials for admittance flatly rejected by Saint Peter and a small group of angels who were outside the walls smoking at the time.

The group consisted mostly of poorly educated, xenophobic racists from the old Confederacy who were die-hard Trump supporters from day one.

They made impassioned pleas that economic hardship brought on by a conspiracy of illegal immigrants, lazy blacks, establishment Republicans, the Chinese, mysterious Jews who controlled the liberal media, and above all Megyn Kelly, whom they consider the leader of the cabal, justified their support of a fascist candidate.

However, Saint Peter remained unmoved.

“I can’t recall Our Lord and Savior mentioning anything about immigrants or trade policy in the New Testament, except of course his admonition to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself,’ which right-wing Christians seem to ignore with increasing frequency these days,” said Peter to a group of Brietbart reporters who were loitering outside the gates while in route to the Lake of Fire.

“These idiots think they can have it both ways; go to the rally and spew hatred on Saturday and then run to church on Sunday and talk about Jesus for an hour, and everything is just hunky-dory. Well, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work that way.”

As usual, the group of miscreants would not take an expert’s word on the subject and refused to leave until they spoke directly to the ‘Strongman.’

Eventually Jesus did put in an appearance and without hesitation told the group to go to Hell, which they promptly did.

 

Hateful Religious Kook Condemns St Patrick’s Day As ‘Gay Holiday Sanctioned By Lucifer’

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DENVER – (CT&P) – Homophobic minister and all around despicable human being Kevin Swanson urged Christians across the United States not to celebrate St Patrick’s Day today because it has been taken over by forces sent from Lucifer himself.

Swanson spoke from his radio studio in Elizabeth, Colorado, where his show, World View of a Bigoted Hypocritical Religious Charlatan is featured on Generations of Assholes Radio.

“St Patrick’s Day has always been a problematic holiday because of its association with snakes,” said Swanson on his radio show. “Snakes are the agents of Satan, and they represent the male sexual organ, which should only be used when attempting reproduction in the dark within a good Christian marriage.

“As we have seen the homosexual conspiracy to take over this country grow and grow, St Patrick’s Day has become a time of celebration and congregation for these subhumans. I personally believe that we should execute all of them along with every Girl Scout leader in the United States. It’s what our Lord Jesus Christ would have wanted,” said Swanson, as he massaged his crotch.

“These heathens paint themselves green and march around in parades while wearing hardly a stitch of clothing to cover up their heinous maleness. Why do you know that in New York City, that den of iniquity, they’re letting the sodomites march with decent human beings today? Their sweaty, muscular, athletic bodies are going to be on display for everyone to see. It’s disgusting!

“I’ve spent hours on gay porn sites and I know what these men are up to,” raged Swanson. “God will punish them for their vile sins, that’s for sure, but in the meantime I feel it’s my duty to tell the public all about it, so my research will continue.”

Swanson eventually got so worked up that he started speaking in tongues and had to be escorted from his studio and given a sedative because aides feared he would activate the poison glands located in the roof of his mouth and inadvertently hurt himself.

Playoff Picture Muddled As Team Muslim Struggles To Qualify

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SAN BERNARDINO – (CT&P) – The Mass Shooting Playoff picture remains confused as perennial favorite Team Muslim continues to struggle.

Although Team Muslim tried to mount a late season comeback this week, the dominant White Protestant Conference teams are way out in front.

As of today, only three teams have qualified for the post-season, which kicks off on January 1st.

Deranged White Christians holds a commanding lead and is expected to enter the playoffs in the top spot, thus enjoying home field advantage throughout.

Neo-Confederate Assholes currently holds the number two slot, but Pro-Life Religious Kooks is nipping at its heels, and has shown promise in recent weeks.

Wacked-Out Motorized Black Folks, an east coast team that put in a strong showing a few years back, has basically been a no-show this season.

With only three domestic teams qualifying so far, the tournament’s sponsor, the NRA, is looking at bringing in a foreign team, a move that is sure to rile Americans’ sense of pride.

“We certainly don’t want to have to bring in a team that our fans aren’t familiar with, but if Team Muslim can’t get its body count up, or if we don’t see a late surge from a team like Insecure White Cops or Team Mafia, well then we’ll have to bring in Drug Kingpin State or some other team from Mexico or Central America,” said Wayne LaPierre, who runs the tournament for the NRA.

“We even thought of granting a new franchise to Syrian refugees entering the country by arming them to the teeth with automatic weapons and explosives, but our executive board determined that widows and orphans fleeing a war zone could just not make up enough ground in time to make the post-season.

“We’re planning on making one last-ditch effort to get an American team in the fourth slot by blocking all common-sense gun control laws while conducting a huge assault weapon and RPG giveaway just before Christmas, but I’m not holding my breath.”

Deranged White Christians has been ranked number one from wire to wire this year and Vegas oddsmakers have made the team a prohibitive favorite to win it all.

 

Ben Carson To Star In New X-Files Episode

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epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

 

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Retired neurosurgeon and fantasy presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson will have a starring role in Episode 4 of the X-Files revival, which begins airing on Fox in January.

According to series creator Chris Carter, Carson will play a charismatic but criminally insane Seventh-day Adventist minister who plots terror attacks on abortion clinics, gay night clubs, and university science departments.

The episode in which Carson stars revolves around Molder and Scully trying to prevent a rumored attack on the U.S. Supreme Court.

“Originally we had written a much more complex role for Dr. Carson,” said Carter. “We had assumed that he had acting experience because we didn’t think that anyone could possibly believe the crap that comes out of his mouth. Boy were we wrong. The guy is a fucking fruitcake! So we got together and re-wrote the episode and gave him something he could really relate to. I think it’ll turn out just fine now.”

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In the much anticipated episode, Molder discovers that a mild mannered minister played by Carson is actually a Red Lectroid from Planet 10 bent on instituting a Christian version of sharia law in America. Blowing up the Supreme Court is just the first phase of his evil plan.

During an interview on CNN Variety editor Peter Bart said that Episode 4 is probably the most realistic scenario in the whole miniseries.

“The working title is ‘Idiot from Planet 10,'” said Bart.

“Basically it’s about a group of gullible white people who worship Carson and believe anything he says, no matter how ridiculous. They’ll do anything for him, including sacrificing their lives in an effort to turn America into a Christian theocracy.

“I don’t want to give away the whole thing, but I will say that Molder discovers that Carson’s church and compound is built under high voltage power lines, thus making the white folks highly susceptible to suggestion and even dumber than they normally are. It’s pretty realistic.”

Many pundits believe that the added exposure could help Carson boost his poll numbers with what can only be described as the unhinged batshit crazy base of the Republican Party.

The episode is scheduled to air in late February.

 

FEMA Building Mysterious New Arenas In Remote Wilderness Areas

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christians

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox News has learned that FEMA is complying with an executive order from the White House by constructing dozens of amphitheaters and enclosed arenas in remote areas of the United States.

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FEMA denied reports that it has purchased large numbers of lions from national parks in South Africa and is currently feeding them human flesh to get them used to the taste

According to Sean Hannity, an anonymous source within FEMA told him that the miniature coliseums are being built to house lions, tigers, bears, and other deadly creatures to be used to devour Christians.

“It’s all part of Obama’s plan to turn America into a gay, Marxist, totalitarian regime,” said Hannity on his show last night.”Obama has already completely destroyed our great country seven times since being elected. How long are we going to stand for this?

“It’s only a matter of time before gay socialists will fill these arenas laughing and taunting the pious as they’re torn apart by savage beasts,” railed Hannity as saliva dripped from the corner of his mouth.

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A spokesman for the International Union of Big Cats told CNN that he hopes that the rumors are true. “Nothing is more satisfying than chowing down on a juicy Christian on lazy summer afternoon,” he said.

Although his program was viewed by only a few dozen white retirees in nursing homes across the United States, news of the revelation quickly spread like a pack of diseased Mexican rapists from Hannity’s show to conservative talk radio twits all across America, driving Tea Partiers, Confederate flag supporters, and other dimwits into a state of abject panic.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied the rumor, saying that it was another case of “fear mongering” by folks who don’t know their asses from holes in the ground.

“At this time the president has no intentions of feeding Christians to the lions,” said Earnest at hastily-called press conference in the Rose Garden.

“We’ve currently got too much on our plate with Operation Jade Helm. We just don’t have enough troops to take over Texas, build internment camps under Walmarts, and construct a bunch of coliseums all at the same time. Maybe next year.”

America In Ruins; Christians To Be Interned Next Week

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – The United States was destroyed once again last week, marking the 9th time the country has been completely obliterated since Obama was first elected president.

Our once proud nation now stands in ruins after two supreme court rulings, one guaranteeing health care to the poor, and another assuring marriage equality for all our citizens. The rulings have had the effect predicted by so many religious kooks across country; cities are burning, livestock are running off cliffs, there has been a complete breakdown of social order with riots in every major American city, and dogs and cats are sleeping together.

The anti-Christ socialist Muslim dictator masquerading as president hailed the two decisions as “another step toward the complete destruction of mankind” that he has sought since first being elected in 2008.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told the White House press corps this morning that the decisions and the resulting chaos is giving the administration the opportunity to round-up troublesome minority groups so they can be “dealt with” at some future date.

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Christians are reported to be fleeing to Mexico by the tens of thousands in order to escape a country where poor people are provided health care and marriage equality is the law of the land.

“The president has ordered the military to detain anyone self-identifying as a Christian,” said Earnest. “Over the next week or so these people will be escorted to the secret internment camps we’ve been building under every Walmart Supercenter across the United States. They will be given the choice of attending re-education facilities in the desert or they can choose to be resettled in the homes of a new generation of liberal socialist gay couples and spend the rest of their lives as powerless house servants.”

“We’ve asked the NSA to gather information about anyone who has ever attended church so we can assess what we need to do about the huge mass of people who formerly called themselves Christians but now suddenly don’t have the courage of their convictions.”

Reaction to the announcements has come quickly as tens of thousands of Americans are pouring across the Mexican border seeking the protection of the Mexican government and the Catholic Church.

Mike Huckabee, former minister, former presidential candidate, and current wingnut was asked to comment as he boarded a flight in Little Rock bound for South America.

“Just as I predicted, America is over,” said a nervous Huckabee, as he glanced around the terminal in fear.

“Christians are just not used to seeing this level of compassion and empathy in their government. We’ve lived in fear of this day for decades. Everyone knows the government is not supposed to follow the teachings of the New Testament! Our only hope is that this is the beginning of the End Times when Jesus comes back and slaughters all the non-believers and leaves the entire earth a smoking ruins. Now I have to haul ass. God bless and good luck.”

 

Satan Delighted With Supreme Court Ruling

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satanhappppy

THE RIVER STYX – (CT&P) – According to sources close to Satan, the Lord of the Underworld is absolutely delighted with the Supreme Court’s decision to legalize gay marriage in all 50 states.

Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told reporters this afternoon that “His Majesty could not be happier. He hasn’t quit smiling since the decision was announced. In fact, he’s given all us demons three days off in order to celebrate.

“I honestly can’t remember Lucifer being this happy since the Spanish Inquisition. I mean, he just sat there and laughed his ass off when all those hypocritical religious kooks on the right starting Tweeting their responses. He thought it was a riot.”

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Former Pastor Fred Phelps, seen here having a pineapple inserted into his rectum, is to be the guest of honor at a party in Hades tonight.

When Balthazar was asked what Beelzebub’s immediate plans were in light of the decision, the press  secretary explained that it would really just be more of the same.

“We plan to send some extra demons up to possess some more religious and political figures so we can give people like Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee a hand spewing their hate filled rhetoric, and we also want to encourage self-righteous assholes like Franklin Graham and Pat Robertson to keep up the good work!”

When a reporter asked if Satan had any plans to try to capture right-wing Christian souls and drag them down to Hell, Balthazar said “Are you kidding, they’re already doing such a great job damning themselves I really don’t see how we could make things any better.”

Balthazar said that “The Boss” was so damn happy that he’s throwing a party tonight and the guest of honor will be former Pastor Fred Phelps.

“Rumor has it that we’re all going to get a turn ramming a red-hot poker up his ass,” said Balthazar. “I can’t wait.”

Gigantic Scrotum On Collision Course With Earth

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asteroid

HONOLULU – (CT&P) – Less than one hour after the Supreme Court issued its ruling on marriage equality, astronomers at the Maui Space Surveillance Site detected a huge asteroid hurtling towards earth.

The scrotum-shaped rock is roughly the size of Texas and is traveling about 30 kilometers per hour. Scientists have calculated that the asteroid will strike somewhere near the geographic center of the lower 48.

Officials at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed the siting and told CNN that the asteroid is weird in that it appears to be piloted by a 2000 year-old dude of Middle Eastern descent with a beard and flowing robes.

On May 1st, End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles warned his unbalanced and bigoted audience that just this thing was going to happen. When reached for comment Wiles said “I told you so! This is what happens when you offer health insurance to the poor and let gay people get married. God is angry and is going to cleanse America of sin with this flaming fireball of divine justice.”

The Right Reverend Franklin Graham, who called for “spiritual warfare” against pro-gay businesses recently, told Fox News that he didn’t quite expect such a rapid response from the all-loving deity, but was happy to see it just the same.

“I think it’s great that God has decided to immolate the United States,” said Graham. “When you go against the teachings of old book written before we knew that our own excrement should not be disposed of in our water supply, bad things happen.”

Reverend Graham was later seen preparing to abandon his flock and get the hell out of the United States on his private jet.

Some religious leaders expressed disappointment that Alaska and Hawaii had apparently been spared the destruction, but they all rejoiced when JPL announced they had detected a giant penis-shaped comet aimed at Anchorage and a huge cloud of space debris resembling a vagina speeding towards the Pacific island chain.

 

 

 

 

War On Christianity Heats Up

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Dylan-Storm-Roof

CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – The tragic attack on a black church in Charleston has captured the nation’s attention as many of our nation’s politicians, media figures, and other idiots try to make some sense of the event.

It was initially reported that Dylan Roof acted out of some weak-minded belief that black folks were inferior and although greatly outnumbered by whites were still somehow taking over the fucking country and raping our fine, pristine, virginal white women.

This crazy conclusion was supposedly backed up by Roof’s “manifesto,” his Facebook page, and comments that he made while perpetrating the vile act.

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Any idiot who studies the facts can tell that Christianity is threatened in the United States. Roof represents the tip of the spear of an all-out attack on religion that threatens the very foundations of our great country.

Thankfully the brain trust at Fox News, with help from some of our political intellectual elites has proved this theory wrong by means of ironclad logic and an ability to see through the liberal media’s interpretation and get at the truth.

It turns out Roof’s real motivation was to destroy Christianity once and for all while it’s on its knees after the successful attempts by liberals, gays, Muslims, secular Jews, and other “unsaved trash” to ban all public displays of Christianity, like those we used to be familiar with around Christmas and Easter.

As we all know Christianity is under attack in this country, and it’s only a matter of time before the mere mention of Jesus will get you a ten-year prison sentence.

Roof appears to have been an early convert to this anti-Jesus movement and in an inspired move sought to mask his real intent by wearing the flags of bigotry and encouraging a “race war.”

“It’s rare we run across a kid with this level of sophistication,” said presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Roof represents the vanguard of the anti-Christian movement that will cause an asteroid strike on the United States. Mark my words!”

Fox News couch tumors Steve Doofus and Brian Killmeplease were quick to agree with Huckabee and others who make no fucking sense whatsoever like Rick Sanitarium.

“The race thing is just a red herring,” said Doofus, as he stared dully into the monitor during Fox and Friends, a show so repugnant that even the uneducated miscreants that watch it on a regular basis are continually amazed.

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Without the fine investigative work done by the Fox News team, no one would have ever known about the mass killings of Christians going on all over the Bible Belt.

“This is clearly a case of Christianity under attack. After all, it did happen in a church.”

Although Doofus and right-wing politicians were able to get to the heart of the matter and uncover the real reasons for the attack, they offered little in the way of solutions to the problem.

“Christianity has been so oppressed in recent years that I really see no hope for any kind of rebound,” said Sanitarium. “There are so few of us left that we have very little influence. I’m afraid that we are doomed to live in a secular country that follows the dictates of Satan by providing health care to the poor, legalizes gay marriage, raises taxes on the ultra rich, and offers equal rights to people who are not white. Jesus would be beside himself! I think our only hope is to hold out until he returns and obliterates mankind in an orgy of bloodletting.”

Huckabee in his wisdom did offer some hope to reduce the number of mass killings in the United States. He is organizing a group to push for a bill banning the name Dylann, Dylan, or any other variation of the name for newborn males, because he said the name was obviously cursed by God and any kid given that particular handle was bound to grow up into a “crazy-ass” mass murderer.

Franklin Graham Encourages Christians To Be More Like Jesus And Hate Gay People

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CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – (CT&P) – During a press conference earlier this week, wacko religious kook the Right Reverend Franklin Graham (R-Loonesville) had a novel idea: “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”

Among other things, Graham is incensed that Wells Fargo Bank is running an ad which includes the story of a lesbian couple learning sign language before adopting a child who is deaf.

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Graham warned that if the Supreme Court makes gay marriage the law of the land, the Ape Coalition would push for equal rights and “God would damn us all to HELL!”

Incensed by this blatant display of love and compassion, Graham announced that the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association To Promote the Financial Health and Narcissism of Franklin Graham and Jesus Our Lord will no longer be doing business with the bank.

“The Prince of Peace and Lord of Light would vomit if he were here to see this kind of tenderness, warmth, and charity being shown by these people,” said Graham. “It’s disgusting!”

Graham went on to rave that “good” Christians should boycott Starbucks, Tiffany’s, Nike, Target, Ford, Levi’s, Amazon, Home Depot, Expedia, Microsoft, Pepsi, Proctor and Gamble, Gap, Oreo, Macy’s, Old Navy, Banana Republic, General Mills, J.C. Penney, Walgreen’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Google, eBay, Orbitz, Jet Blue, Mastercard, Johnson and Johnson, Goldman Sachs, UBS, Marriott, Cisco, the liberal media, the Democrat Party, the Catholic Church, the Episcopal Church, the Mormon Church, the Methodist Church, Unitarians, Zionists, all state and federal government offices and employees, every country in continental Europe, anyone who exhibits higher brain function, liberals, and Whataburger.

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After pleading with his followers to boycott almost every fucking business on the planet, Graham begged believers to read their Bibles, where one can find justification for almost any abomination man has ever committed.

“These are all evil institutions who do the work of Satan and must be driven into the fiery pit of Hell,” screamed Graham, as tears and mucous ran down his face. “This outpouring of compassion and love for people who do not share our weird, repressed sexuality marks the end of Christian civilization as we know it!

“Anyone with any sense knows that God hates fags and Jesus wouldn’t have been caught dead with anyone who showed love and compassion for his fellow-man! I’m calling on anyone who has a few spare dollars to contribute to my tax-free ministry so I can more effectively fight these evil institutions. You can send us a check or use the handy ‘Contribute to Jesus’ button on our website. Please give generously or you may find yourself in the Lake of fucking Fire one day!”

So far the response to the unbalanced Graham’s absurd boycott has been lukewarm.

“If we boycott all these businesses we’ll be living in a fucking mud hut somewhere,” said R.W. Scrotum, a Christian from Falls Church, Virginia.

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After the press conference Graham retired to his study where he prayed that every gay man on earth be cast into the Lake of Fire so he wouldn’t be tempted anymore.

“The dude must have had some sort of stroke or something,” said Ethyl Chloride, a Christian from Birmingham, Alabama. “I’ll pray for the bastard. Maybe that will help,” she chuckled.

Corporate reaction to the threatened boycott has been roughly the same as that from Franklin’s far-flung band of unstable followers.

“Like many who are rabidly against gay marriage and equal rights for all our citizens, Franklin Graham has struggled with his sexuality for many years,” said Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf.

“I think Mr. Graham needs to pick up a paper or watch some channel other than Fox News every once in a while. He might be able to pick up on the fact that we’re no longer in the Middle Ages. As far as I’m concerned he can take his boycott and shove it up his ass. It makes no difference to us.”