Tag Archives: christian right

Deranged Chattanooga Minister Advocates Raising The Price Of A New Wife To 300 Foreskins

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Pastor Robby “The Cretin” Gallaty of Brainerd Baptist Church in Chattanooga, Tennesse dedicated his hour-long sermon on Sunday to explaining why Christians should feel free to discriminate against gays.

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Gallaty is still in mourning the passing of Pastor Fred “Beelzebub” Phelps, his hero and mentor, who is currently roasting in hell while being sodomized with a chain saw

Gallaty told his all white intellectually underpowered congregation that being gay is an offense to God.

“God said that the sins of the people [of Sodom and Gomorrah] had infected the very land in which they lived,” Gallaty said. “So what happens to the people who engage in this activity, this sexual immoral activity? Go to Leviticus 20, God gives us the punishment for engaging in these sins … ‘If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have both committed a detestable thing. They must be put to death. And their blood is on their own hands.”

Homosexuality, Gallaty claimed, is an “attack on the family and marriage, and we need to put an end to this madness once and for all by executing those caught indulging in sexual acts that I don’t approve of!”

This is not the first time Gallaty has lost his fucking mind while in the pulpit. The theme of last week’s sermon was the artificially low price paid for wives in America.

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Gallaty thinks that after remaining fixed for 2000 years the going price of a new bride should be raised to at least 300 foreskins

“The price of a new wife has been the same for over 2000 years!” screamed Gallaty to his incredulous flock. “Does anyone think that a hundred foreskins is a fair price to pay any proud papa? Why even David paid Saul twice the going rate. Please turn to 1 Samuel 18:27 in your Bible and read with me…”

“Wherefore David arose and went … and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”
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Many in Gallaty’s congregation starting having doubts about his sanity when he erected this monument on the church grounds in 2007

“Now I propose that we raise the price of a bride to at least 300 hundred foreskins in order to index for inflation, I think it will boost the economy and encourage men to take better care of their wives,” said Gallaty, as drool and mucous dripped from his face. “But I’m willing to be reasonable about all this,” continued Gallaty, “I think God would be OK with partially substituting atheist and liberal foreskins since Philistines are so damn hard to track down in this day and age.”

Many pundits believe that the cause of Gallaty’s psychological problems is a deep sexual insecurity combined with his strict interpretation of the Bible.
“Gallaty seems to think that everything in that book is true and all the weird rules in it have to be followed to the letter,” said Dr. John Bigboote of Yoyodyne Laboratories in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. “I mean who in their right mind thinks Noah built an ark and put two of every animal species in the damn thing? The whole fucking U.S. Navy couldn’t pull that off.”
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Many families are leaving Gallaty’s congregation and are flocking to nearby Viperpalian churches, which are considered more mainstream in Tennessee

Many in Gallaty’s congregation agree that he is mentally disturbed, or at the very least obsessed with male genitalia.

Three weeks ago five families withdrew from the church and joined a nearby snake handling church that offered a more reasonable interpretation of the Word of God.
Deacon Billy Bob McSneed, who led the mutiny, told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “We had just had enough of his weird shit. Week after week it’s scrotum this, penis that. There’s only so much genital talk that one can stand. Why, this spring the maniac preached a sermon from Deuteronomy where he said that God would not allow anyone into the Kingdom of Heaven with wounded or crushed testicles. Afterwords the freak wanted to inspect every male church member’s scrotum! We’ve had it!”
Attendance at Brainerd Baptist does not seem to be hurting however. For every family that leaves another comes to replace it. Dr. Bigboote attributed this phenomenon to a woeful lack of formal education in this country and particularly in eastern Tennessee. Bigboote remarked, “It’s just like P.T. Barnum said, ‘There’s a fool born every minute.'”

 

GOP Candidate Warns Of ‘Homosexual Reign Of Terror’

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) –  Gordon Klingenschmitt, a Republican nominee for the Colorado state house, sent out an e-mail alert over the weekend that stated that Rep. Jared Polis (D-CO) wanted to execute Christians, reported Right Wing Watch.

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The photogenic Klingenschmidt was featured on the cover of the children’s book “How To Recognize Pedophiles From A Distance”

The alert warned Coloradans and all U.S. citizens that Polis and his pals in the “international homosexual cabal” represented a “clear and present danger” to our representative republic and to Christians all over the globe.

“The openly homosexual Congressman Jared Polis (D-CO) introduced a revised bill to force Christian employers and business owners to hire and promote homosexuals with ZERO RELIGIOUS EXEMPTIONS for Christians who want to opt out.”

Heath Campbell who gave his children Nazi-inspired names including Adolf Hitler lost custody after a state appeals court ruled that a history of domestic violence puts the children at risk of abuse and neglect.

Klingenshmitt is the eldest son of Joseph and Magda Klingenschmitt of Munich, as seen here in this colorized photo from their wedding album

“Polis ‘wants sexual orientation and gender identity treated the same way as race, religion, sex, and national origin, when it comes to employment protections,’ claims the Advocate, under the headline ‘Polis trims ENDA’s religious exemption.’”

“The open persecution of Christians is underway. Democrats like Polis want to bankrupt Christians who refuse to worship and endorse his sodomy. Next he’ll join ISIS in beheading Christians, but not just in Syria, right here in America,” the email said.

Because he was unwilling to face journalists and actually answer embarrassing questions about the email, Klingenschmitt released a five-hour video that explained his theory concerning the worldwide gay conspiracy to execute anyone who does not approve of sodomy.

The video went into great detail about how a shadowy group of male stylists, interior designers, and producers of Broadway musicals got together after the faked lunar landings in the late 60’s and early 70’s and laid out a long-range strategy for world domination.

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In his spare time Klingenschmitt entertains children at birthday parties held in the crawlspace under his home

In the video Klingenschmitt explains that now that it is legal for openly gay individuals to hold office, phase one of the heinous conspiracy is complete.

“Phase two of the their nefarious plan calls for a ‘Reign of Terror’ on Christians that would make Robespierre’s efforts look like child’s play,” said Klingenschmitt. “It is only a matter of time before we see the faithful’s heads on pikes up and down main street America!”

The video did not explain how a nation in which 77% of the population considers itself Christian will be overwhelmed and terrorized by the less than 2% of the population that is openly gay, but Klingenschmitt said it would be similar to the atheists’ successful obliteration of the once popular Christmas holiday we all remember.

Republican and Democratic leaders in Colorado, along with anyone else who has an IQ over 55 denounced Klingenschmitt’s email and his video, which was distributed less than a week after Islamic State jihadists released a film that showed the beheading of kidnapped U.S. journalist James Foley.

 

God Condemns Bryan Fischer To Spend Eternity In Hell

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a working lunch with Pope Francis this afternoon, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to tell reporters that as a result of Fischer’s recent string of insane and hateful comments, he would be condemned to spend eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

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God told reporters that just because Fischer is sexually frustrated that gives him no right to spew hatred in His name.

“I have had it up to here with these charlatans making hateful and nauseating comments in my name,” said God. “I’m going to make an example of this dim witted freak for all the rest of you to see. I mean, look, I gave you a set of commandments to keep. Ten easy rules to follow so that you talking monkeys can all get along with each other. But no, you are too dumb to follow simple commands and insist on spewing hatred all over the airwaves while at the same time claiming to know what I am thinking. I’ve had it!”

God’s decision to immerse Fischer in the Lake of Fire until time ends came after a long series of idiotic and hate-filled comments came spewing forth from Fischer on his show aired by the American Family Association.

God handed the group of reporters a short list of Fischer’s sins while insisting he could fill an entire book with the despicable and heinous statements that the “moron” has spouted over the years.

In recent weeks on his radio program, Fischer has:

  • Declared it will be “the end of America” if Congress does not impeach President Obama
  • Denounced anyone who uses the word “racist,” then insisted that Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder “are racists.”
  • Sided with radical Islamists in Iraq in calling Obama a “devil worshiper.”
  • Suggested on Twitter that accepting homosexuality leads people to commit acts of necrophilia.
  • Said that LGBT people are inherently disqualified from holding public office.
  • Written an article in which he wonders if Robin Williams will go to heaven and insults Williams’s mother’s belief system (she was a Christian Scientist, Fischer says, and that is “a counterfeit form of religion that is neither Christian nor scientific”)
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God said that Fischer is not the first false prophet to be the Devil’s house guest, and surely won’t be the last.

God told reporters that Fischer should change the name of his program from “Focal Point” to “Feces Point” as it more accurately describes the filth coming out of this “pseudo Christian’s” mouth.

“Has this dude never heard of “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself?” asked God. “It is hard for me to imagine how I could have been any clearer.”

God closed the impromptu presser by warning others that the same fate awaits them if they don’t take Pope Francis’ advice and try to show love for all mankind, not just straight white people.

“One more thing before I go,” said God. “I’ve just straightened out Francis on this whole embryonic stem-cell research thing and I’m not going to repeat myself. Kevin McCullough, I’ve got my eye on you, one more dumb-ass comment about how the ALS Challenge kills unborn babies and you can expect to contract Ebola in the very near future, you brainless twit!”

As God was departing for the intergalactic terminal at Leonardo da Vinci International, a reporter asked what specific form of punishment awaited Fischer in Hell.

God responded, “I leave that kind of stuff up to Lucifer. He can be very creative. After all, that’s what I put him there for.”

 

Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.

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Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens

Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.

As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.

However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

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In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst

The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets,  “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”

The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”

 

 

 

 

 

Research Reveals An Alarmingly High Rate Of Illiteracy Within The Tea Party

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misspelled-tea-party-signTHE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -New research conducted by the Center for Sanity in Politics has revealed that over 40% of Tea Party members are functionally illiterate and a significant percentage of the rest of party exhibit the reading comprehension skills of third graders. The inability of many of the right-wing political organization’s activists to manufacture even the most simple signage was once thought to be an aberration resulting in a humorous display of “Teabonics.” But tragically it now seems to be representative of the group as a whole.

05_Flatbed_WEB - MARCH“What we found was truly shocking,” said Dr. Frank Black, director of research at CSP. “However, with the advantage of hindsight I suppose we really should have expected these results.”

misspelled9“After all, the Tea Party appeals to the basest of mankind’s instincts. You can’t expect a political party based on a Frankenstein’s monster  stitched-together from debunked economic theories, irrational xenophobia, racial hatred, and medieval religious superstition to be overflowing with intellectuals. The party is little more than a small army of dullards brimming with rage against change and enlightened policy of any sort. They basically run around the countryside terrified of fire and science and blame anything they perceive as a problem on our current president, no matter how ridiculous those assertions might be.”

“Most Tea Partiers show a disturbing lack of knowledge of basic civics and their grasp of history appears to come out of some comic book published by Bill O’Reilly or Sean Hannity,” said Dr. Black. “Propaganda outlets such as Fox News and right-wing radio hosts only serve to further fan the flames of ignorance and hatred among these folks.”

misspell4Similar and even more shocking results were found when researchers investigated the Christian Right.

misspell77misspelled8A recent YouGov poll has found that over sixty percent of self-proclaimed conservative Christians are unable to comprehend what they read. The poll was conducted July 1-2 among 1,000 U.S. adults using a sample selected from YouGov’s opt-in online panel to match the demographics and other characteristics of the adult U.S. population. The poll asked “what would Jesus do?” on a wide range of political issues such as health care, gun control, climate change, and taxes.

misspelled11Only 23 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support healthcare for all.

“I was sick and you looked after me….I tell you the truth, whatever you do the least of my brothers, you also do for me,” Jesus said.

misspelled15“Whatever,” say the Christian Right.

The Bible makes it clear Jesus was a Marxist before Marxism had a name. He distrusted the rich. “It’s easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter Heaven,” forewarned Jesus. The credo of the Beatitudes demonstrated Jesus saw the world in terms of class struggle. “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek, for they shall possess the earth.”

misspelled1But only 18 percent of Republicans believe Jesus would support higher taxes on the rich; taxes that benefit the funding of the common good – schools, hospitals, and safety nets for those the capitalist machine leaves downtrodden.

It seems the decline of the mainstream church has apparently allowed the Christian Right to misuse the Gospel to champion unfettered capitalism. For Republicans, “prosperity theology” has replaced the Beatitudes. In this Ayn Randian philosophy, God rewards the faithful with material wealth.

misspelled14On guns, 68 percent of Democrats believe Jesus would support stricter gun laws, whereas only 28 percent of Republicans think likewise.  Swords of the first century were the guns of today. “Put your sword back into its place. For all who take the sword will perish by the sword,” said Jesus. (Matthew 26:52)

On other issues, 9 percent of Republicans said Jesus would support gay marriage, and 6 percent of Republicans said he would support legalized abortion. Forty-three percent said he would support the death penalty for murderers.

misspelled16“The response of right-wing ‘Christians,’ the Tea Party and Republicans in general to the recent influx of kids fleeing abject poverty and violence in their home countries illustrates as nothing else could the hypocrisy inherent in a political movement that lacks the very compassion it is supposedly based upon,” said Dr. Black. ”

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Tea Partiers and those on the Christian Right might do well to take some of their own advice to heart

“Consider Matthew 25:31-46 where Jesus said, ‘For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ What is it about that statement that these cretins do not understand?”

“What is truly alarming about all this is that the Christian Right seems unable to comprehend, or a shows a blatant willingness to ignore, the very book that they base their religion upon,” said Dr. Black. “It is even more alarming that these people believe that our country was founded on these principles and all Americans should be ruled by them. We should all keep a close watch on this vocal minority of ill-informed and uneducated creatures, for the good of the country and ourselves, lest we one day wake up in some sort of dystopian theocratic oligarchy.”

 

FAA Bans Flights Into Houston After Open Carry Texas Takes Delivery On Russian Buk Missile System

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After passing through customs in New Orleans, the few members of the organization who had valid licenses took turns driving the vehicle to the Texas Gulf Coast where it was test fired

 

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The FAA has banned all flights into and out of Houston’s Hobby and Bush Intercontinental Airports, citing the presence of dangerous Russian-made anti-aircraft missile batteries in the general area.

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The president of Open Carry Texas, C. J. “Small Schlong” Grisham, (seen here relaxing in his bunker) told Fox News that the new missile system would not be used until the outbreak of the inevitable race war in America, or if it became apparent that refugee kids were catching flights into the U.S. via Mexico City.

The airspace in Houston extending out up to 100 miles was closed yesterday after authorities were informed that the pro 2nd Amendment group “Open Carry Texas,” better known to the rest of the country as “A Confederacy of Dunces,” had acquired a Russian army surplus Buk missile system and it had been driven to the nearby Gulf Coast for “testing and training.”

“We’ve all seen what one of these missile systems can do when in the hands of a bunch of drunken Russian rednecks,” said a spokesman for the FAA. “We see no reason to believe that the outcome would be any different when the system is manned by a bunch of our very own drunken rednecks. We decided to err on the side of caution, and we apologize for any inconvenience to air travelers,” said the spokesman.

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A crack team of professionals from Open Carry are testing and training on the new air-defense system

During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show, the president of Open Carry Texas, C.J. “Small Schlong” Grisham protested that Open Carry Texas was a peaceful organization dedicated to the “exercise and protection of our 2nd Amendment rights, rights that are in danger of being revoked by the Obama administration and the worldwide conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids through the heinous use of flouride in our nation’s water supply.”

“It’s only a matter of time before we see foreigners in blue helmets marching up Pennsylvania Avenue,” said Grisham, as he chugged a glass of refreshing rainwater and pure grain alcohol.

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The team of simpletons from Open Carry conducted tests of the system on a public beach packed with vacationing families

Testing of the new system went ahead without the benefit of a team of Russian instructors sent by the Putin administration. The Russian advisers, who had the formidable task of training a bunch of borderline imbeciles to operate an advanced air-defense system, were detained after trashing a bar at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

The Russian team apparently got out of control after imbibing an entire case of Don Cossack Vodka.

“Them Russkies sure know how to party!” said Daisy Airhead, a barmaid at the Drunken Bull Cattle Company on the international concourse. “They was taking off their shirts and doing some kinda crazy dance on top of the bar and all the tables. They was jumpin’ up and down like Messican jumpin’ beans! One of them promised to marry me after they get out of jail. I can’t wait!”

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Minuteman founder Jim “Shrunken Sack” Gilchrist is a strong supporter of the patriots at Open Carry and has offered his support for more arms acquisitions

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Rosie “Hepatitis C” Gilchrist, Jim’s sister, is engaged to be married to Open Carry’s Grisham

After an arduous journey from New Orleans, the launcher was set up on a beach near Galveston Island and the completely ignorant and untrained personnel from Open Carry launched a few missiles “just for fun.”

The first missile took out a flight of endangered pelicans in route to nesting grounds further up the coast. Grisham justified the murder of the birds to Sean Hannity by saying, “Those pelicans were in fact cartel drug mules transporting heroin across the border in the pouches attached to their lower mandibles.”

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Activities at the much-anticipated convention in Dallas will include mock lynchings and a gala barbecue and horseshoe contest on the “Grassy Knoll”

The gullible Hannity accepted the explanation but required clarification as to exactly what a “mandible” was.

The second missile loosed by the team of schmucks zoomed over the Gulf in an erratic flight that ended with a detonation over a British Petroleum oil platform, which was set ablaze.

A third missile misfired at first but then careened wildly down the beach taking out several vacationing families before exploding in a barbecue and salt-water taffy stand, causing massive loss of life.

The crack missile team lost one member when he was incinerated while urinating behind the vehicle during the launch sequence.

Although initial testing of their new toy has not turned out exactly as planned, Open Carry Texas hopes that the vehicle will be fully operational for this fall’s Conspiracy Theory Convention held annually at the Dallas Book Depository.

“We really look forward to displaying our extreme sexual insecurity and paranoid delusions at the upcoming national conference in Dallas,” said Grisham. We really want to show the rest of the country what patriotism and love of God and country is all about.”

When asked about the situation in Houston, NRA president Wayne LaPierre only shook his head, rolled his eyes, and slowly walked away from reporters while staring at the ground.

 

 

 

 

 

Xenomorphs For Jesus Organization Files Libel Suit Against Ken Ham

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Claiming that Jesus came to LV-426 at least two decades before he visited earth, Frederick “Freddie the Face-Hugger” Falcone, president of the popular Xenomorphs For Jesus religious organization, told reporters that they planned on “suing the crap out of that dullard Ken Ham for his blasphemous article” on the Answers In Genesis website.

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President of Xenomorphs For Jesus “Freddie the Facehugger” Falcone appeared more than a little pissed off about the article Ken Ham published on Sunday

In the article which ran Sunday, creationist Ken Ham said that the U.S. space program is a waste of money because any alien life that scientists found would be damned to hell.

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life,” said the unhinged Ham.

Ham argued that “secularists are desperate to find life in outer space” as a part of their “rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution.”

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Falcone told reporters that Jesus was “patching up injured xenomorphs” twenty years before he began his ministry to the dinosaurs in Palestine

“Life did not evolve but was specially created by God, as Genesis clearly teaches. Christians certainly shouldn’t expect alien life to be cropping up across the universe,” he continued. “Now the Bible doesn’t say whether there is or is not animal or plant life in outer space. I certainly suspect not.”

But regardless of whether there was life in outer space, Ham asserted that it could not be truly “intelligent.”

“You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation,” he explained. “Jesus did not become the ‘GodKlingon’ or the ‘GodMartian’! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the ‘Godman’ as our Savior.”

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Falcone also told reporters that “Ham is one ugly son of a bitch, even for a human. He’d look a lot better with an infant attached to his face.”

“What  a load of horseshit!,” said Falcone, in response to Ham’s article. “This guy talks out of his ass all the time and some of you idiot humans are actually gullible enough to believe him. No wonder so many alien species view you guys as a bunch of hicks who only yesterday climbed down out of the trees.”

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Falcone spoke to reporters from Our Lady of the Dripping Saliva Christian Bookstore on LV-426

“How the hell could a guy with the IQ of a turnip make any assertions regarding intelligent life on other planets? And another thing, this dude should be limited to radio frequencies. I’ve seen better looking beings living in the swamps on Planet 10! I mean, what’s with that fucking beard?”

“What the hell is he mumbling about ‘GodKlingon, GodMartian, Godman? Has Kentucky issued this lunatic a driver’s license? God help the bastards that have to share the road with this moron.”

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Dr. Robert “Ugly Motherfucker” Bates, an orthodontist and founder of The Fellowship of Christian Predators, told Reuters that they also were preparing a lawsuit against Ham. “Jesus visited our home world over a century before he ever made to your wimpy-ass Milky Way Galaxy,” said Wilson.

“This village idiot Ham should realize that every fucking sentient being in the universe knows about evolution. Only a dumb ass would deny its existence,” said Falcone.

Falcone went on to tell reporters that Jesus had indeed visited LV-426 and had many followers there.

“At first we just thought, ‘Hey, what is that dude doing walking across that lake of liquid methane? Is he on dope or something?’ But then we started to take notice when it became apparent that he could breathe pure nitrogen and started turning rocks into edible protein paste for wedding parties.”

“But the clincher was when Our Lord survived having his chest busted by one of our infants after being cocooned for three days. I mean, he just popped up healthy as a horse! After that he began to get quite a following here, and is still quite popular today. There are more Christian churches on LV-426 than temples dedicated to Cthulhu, for example.”

When reached for comment, SETI spokesman Dr. Frank Black said “Ken Ham is an example of what happens to a dude when he loses his virginity at age 34 with an aboriginal prostitute. He’s a frustrated mental midget who craves attention. Ham is basically a modern-day snake oil salesman who preys on mentally deficient individuals by trying to convince them of things that are so bizarre as to be laughable.”

“One thing is for certain. We don’t have to worry about finding any intelligent life in Petersburg, Kentucky,” chuckled Dr. Black.

Since the lawsuits are just now being filed, no one can really predict which way they will go, but lawyers representing the two groups feel that given the current climate at the Supreme Court, any pro-Christian lawsuit, no matter how ridiculous, has a good chance of winning.

 

Satan Delighted By GOP Response To Immigration “Crisis”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held at the River Styx Motor Inn in East Hell this morning, Satan, Lord of the Underworld, told reporters that he was “pleased and gratified” by the Republican Party’s response to the current situation on the U.S. southern border. “I’m truly delighted with what GOP politicians and pundits have had to say about those poor helpless kids trying to escape violence and abject poverty in their home countries. As you know hypocrisy is something we value above all else down here,” said the Prince of Darkness.

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Beelzebub had particular praise for the brainy pair of Palin and Perry. “I don’t know what we would do without those two buffoons,” said the Prince of Darkness, “they are funny as Hell.”

The flow of unaccompanied kids at the border has increased over recent months, and estimates are hovering around 50,000 for children and teenagers detained since Oct 1st of last year. The vast majority of the kids are from Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador.

The unfortunate kids are often encouraged and assisted by parents, who see little or no future for the kids in Central America. Fleeing violence, poverty, drug gangs and forced prostitution, the kids and their relatives are desperate and many are in pitiful condition.

Although 50,000 children trying to cross one of its borders should not constitute an existential crisis for the greatest country the world has ever seen, GOP politicians and pundits have tried mightily to turn the situation into catastrophe on par with the Great Depression or the Black Plague.

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Conservative radio hosts have been portraying the kids as walking vectors for all types of hideous life-threatening diseases such as ebola and tuberculosis.

Texas governor and renowned intellectual Rick Perry has intimated on several occasions that President Obama has engineered the crisis. “We either have an incredibly inept administration, or they’re in on this somehow or another,” said the scholarly Perry on ABC’s “This Week.” “I mean I hate to be conspiratorial, but I mean how do you move that many people from Central America across Mexico and then into the United States without there being a fairly coordinated effort?”

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Children currently detained in warehouses on the border were appreciative of Lucifer’s offer to let them stay in one of his many temples across the U.S.

Mental giant Sarah Palin has also had a great deal to say about the “crisis.” In an amateur video that looked like something produced by The Onion, Palin presented a rambling, incoherent argument for some sort of weird conspiracy to dissolve the United States as we know it. According to Palin, President Obama is opening our borders for political gain and because he just hates this country so much.

“Without borders, there is no nation. Obama knows this. Opening our borders to a flood of illegal immigrants is deliberate. This is his fundamental transformation of America,” said Palin, who apparently learned her civics and history at the same place as Michele Bachmann.

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To show their appreciation for Satan’s generosity, the kids baked the Prince of Darkness a devil’s food cake for his birthday

To add fuel to the fire, Fox News and conservative radio talk show hosts around the country have been portraying the kids as being like a giant host of diseased rats carrying a plague virus, just chomping at the bit to invade the U.S. and infect us all with life threatening diseases.

All of this ridiculous political gamesmanship has Mephistopheles and his minions beside themselves with joy.

Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary, told USA Today that “It’s a real hoot to see the party that touts Christian values treating these innocent kids like they were vermin. We haven’t had this much fun since all those Republican governors denied health care to poor people in an attempt to derail Obamacare. Biblical principles my ass! These guys would sell their mother’s souls if it meant a tax break for the 1%. We love ’em down here.”

Reached for comment at the Pearly Gates, Jesus of Nazareth told a reporter for CNN that “The entire situation makes me nauseous. It’s like the entire New Testament was a wasted effort. I mean, when I said ‘suffer the little children’ I did NOT mean pack them like sardines into warehouses in San Antonio. And what’s all this crap about guns? You’d think that some of those religious ‘patriots’ in Texas could take a little cash out of their assault weapon budgets to help these kids out. I’m disgusted.”

Although the numbers of kids turning themselves in at the border continues to rise, there is little hope that any solution will be found during this decade, as GOP politicians would rather blame Obama than do anything constructive.

 

Creepy “Answers In Genesis” President Ken Ham Arrested At Denali National Park

Posted in humor, politics, religion by
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Ham, originally from Australia, is living proof of the dangers of legal immigration

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Huckster and insane person Ken Ham, of Answers in Genesis and Creation Museum fame, was arrested yesterday just outside Denali National Park. Ham was charged with indecent exposure and attempted destruction of public property. He is currently being held in an Anchorage detention facility while he awaits a psychiatric examination ordered by a circuit court judge.

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Ham is famous for wacked-out ideas, like the concept that dinosaurs and humans roamed the earth together.

Ham was apprehended while trying to escape after attempting to add his own footprints to dinosaur fossils found within the boundary of the park. The site, described as a “world-class” dinosaur track site shows that herds of duck-billed dinosaurs thrived under the midnight sun.

“We had mom, dad, big brother, big sister and little babies all running around together,” said paleontologist Anthony Fiorillo, who is studying the dinosaur tracks. “As I like to tell the park, Denali was a family destination for millions of years, and now we’ve got the fossil evidence for it.”

The discovery adds to Fiorillo’s growing conviction that dinosaurs lived at polar latitudes year-round during the Late Cretaceous Period, about 70 million years ago.”Even back then the high latitudes were biologically productive and could support big herds of pretty big animals,” said Fiorillo, curator of earth sciences at the Perot Museum of Nature and Science in Dallas.

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One of the most popular exhibits at the Creation Museum is the “Messiahraptor” ride, which features a slightly confused Christ figure cruising around a wooded area on the back of a T-Rex.

“This is definitely one of the great track sites of the world. We were so happy to find it,” Fiorillo said.

The muddy ground is so rumpled by footprints that the researchers were hard-pressed to pull out tracks from individual hadrosaurs. Instead, they counted each print and grouped them by size. The results were published June 30 in the journal Geology.

Ham, who has for years championed the ludicrous idea that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that men walked among the dinosaurs, was apparently either trying to destroy the fossils or add his own footprints to the fossil find.

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Ham first developed his disturbing theories during early puberty when he became obsessed with Raquel Welch after viewing One Million Years B.C. He still thinks the movie is “one of the best documentaries of all time.”

“We found him running around barefoot wearing a Speedo and a t-shirt that read, ‘God Hates Paleontologists,’ said Fiorillo. “At first we thought he was a drunken tourist or an escapee from a mental institution. However, one of my assistants from Kentucky recognized him and said, ‘Holy shit! That’s the moron the runs that stupid Creation Museum.’ That’s when we knew we had a potentially dangerous cretin on our hands. We immediately called the park police.”

Ham was apprehended about an hour later trying to exit the park on a unicycle, which he learned to ride as a child while performing in his parents’ traveling carnival and snake oil emporium.

Park police reported that Ham kept shouting “Darwin was wrong!” and “Fossils are the handiwork of Satan” as he was taken into custody.

Originally from Queensland, Australia, Ham has become the poster child for intelligent arguments against immigration. Many groups have advocated a thorough psychological screening and IQ testing before anyone is granted citizenship.

Ham will be handed over to federal authorities to await trial. He is thought to be too much of a danger to the mentally deficient in this country to be granted bail.