Tag Archives: christian right

God Replaces House Majority Leader Eric Cantor With Rank Amateur

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monty-python-god

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In what some church officials are calling a “miracle on par with the parting of the Red Sea,” Almighty God replaced House Majority Leader Eric Cantor with an obscure economics professor from Randolph-Macon this week.

It seems that for the first time in several hundred years, God suspended the laws of physics, logic, common sense, and modern scientific polling to allow David Brat, a political newcomer, to beat the house leader by over ten percentage points in Virginia’s 7th District Republican primary race.

While many political analysts and talking heads say that Cantor’s unhealthy infatuation with beef played a role, most of those “in the know” put the majority of blame for Cantor’s shocking loss on his attempt to help the children of illegal immigrants, and the subsequent loss of support it precipitated in divine circles.

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Everyone in politics knows how much God hates illegal immigration. Here Jesus accompanies a an ICE team in Houston assigned to roundup immigrant children before they get old enough to steal our jobs.

“Everyone knows how much God hates illegal immigrants and their kids,” said Walter Dullard, a Tea Party strategist. “Cantor showed a recklessness and lack of foresight unusual in a seasoned politician.”

“His desire to help the innocent kids of illegals angered the Lord as well as his constituents, and paved the way for this miracle,” said Dullard.

During his acceptance speech Tuesday night Brat acknowledged that his victory was indeed a “miracle from God.” He went out of his way to praise the deity by reading several Bible verses in hopes that he can retain divine support for future reelection campaigns.

Satan, Lord of the Underworld and Prince of Darkness, normally a strong supporter of Tea Party candidates, offered Brat no help in the election.

“We wanted to sit this one out and see what happened,” said Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary. “As long as God is preoccupied with the midterms and local races, his attention is drawn away from things like worldwide hunger, war, environmental destruction, climate change, natural disasters, genocide, and the like. We’re left to ‘do our thing’ without any interference from ‘upstairs.'”

Although Brat has no experience in politics and the quagmire of stupidity that is Washington D.C., he told reporters that “Ignorance and an overall lack of intelligence has never been an obstacle in American politics, and I look forward to a long and financially fruitful career in the nation’s capital.”

 

 

ROBERTSON GONE WILD!

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patrobertson

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Viewers of the “700 Club” were somewhat taken aback yesterday when host and dangerously unhinged televangelist Pat Robertson began channeling some weird fusion of Thomas Aquinas, the Marquis de Sade, and Dr. Ruth in response to a viewer’s letter regarding a spousal relationship.

After listening to a letter from a female viewer detailing her husband’s habit of wanting outsize credit whenever he washes a dish or sweeps the floor, Robertson told the letter writer that she needs to “understand the male psyche.”

“The male wants to do something for his wife; he wants to provide for his family,” Robertson explained. “And when he cleans up, he’s saying, ‘I love you.’ That is his way of saying to you, ‘I love you.’ And you’ve got to understand that’s what it is … and you are supposed to say to him, ‘Darling, you are wonderful and I love you, too.’”

Up until this point Robertson seemed to be on pretty firm ground, which is unusual for Pat, but then things turned a little weird.

Robertson then suggested what a good wife should really do when a husband chips in on the household chores. “With each dish he’s saying, ‘I love you,’” Robertson said, “and if you understood that and you say, ‘Darling, I got a treat for you … wait ’til we get behind closed doors and you’ll see the treat I have for you’” then, presumably, good things will happen.

Robertson continued, “For example, if your husband cleans the table and washes the dishes after a meal, I think that is probably worth some exciting oral sex later on that evening. If your husband vacuums the entire house and takes the garbage out after he gets home from work, then I think oral sex plus intercourse is definitely in order. Now, if your husband forgoes his normal weekend golf outing with the boys in order to mow the grass and work around the home, then a good wife should treat him to a 48 hour sexual marathon complete with sexy lingerie, whips, and maybe  a vibrating tofu butt plug coated with hot Cambodian fish sauce.”

A clearly mortified Terry Meeuwson (Pat’s unfortunate but no doubt well paid co-host) tried to rein the Right Reverend Robertson in by saying, “Wait a minute Pat, it sounds to me like you’re suggesting that women fulfill the role of prostitute for their husbands as well as bearing children and keeping a good Christian household.”

“You’re damn right that’s what I’m saying Terry,” replied Pat, who suddenly began speaking with an accent normally reserved for South American soccer announcers.

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Robertson told viewers that one way to “spice up” your spousal relationship is to include the family pet in the fun.

“The Bible says that women, being the weaker vessel, should obey their husbands and try their best to make them happy, and we all know what husbands want: sex, sex, and more sex! Wives should really investigate new and exotic ways to please their husbands. Just think of female self-debasement and sexual slavery as keys to a long and successful marriage!”

Meeuwson then tried to go  to a commercial break but Pat was on a roll since he had a new book to promote.

Robertson waved off his co-host and continued, “I have written a new book on the subject which covers all the pertinent material including positioning, bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism, wife swapping, and dozens of other helpful ideas for today’s modern wife. It’s titled Pat’s Guide To Whoring Within A Loving Christian Marriage, and it’ll hit the bookshelves on July 4th, just in time for your family vacation!”

At this point the show hit a hard break and Pat was thankfully taken off the air.

Pat never got another opportunity to plug the book because after commercial he got sidetracked with his ongoing feud with fellow insane person and huckster Ken Ham over the age of the earth. However, media talking heads predict that Robertson’s new book will be a successful follow-up to his other bestsellers Pat’s Guide To Interplanetary Collisions, Pat’s Guide To Christian Nudist Camps In The Southeastern United States, Pat’s Guide To Preventing Earthquakes And Tsunamis Through The Power Of Prayer, and his lone  novel published just last year, The Pious Dominatrix.

New Science Poll Finds That Four Out Of Ten Americans Are Ignorant Twits

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SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – A new Associated Press-GfK poll taken in March of this year has found that almost half of the U.S. population is either mentally deficient or highly delusional. The AP-GfK Poll was conducted March 20-24, 2014, using KnowledgePanel, GfK’s probability-based online panel designed to be representative of the U.S. population. It involved online interviews with 1,012 adults and has a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 3.4 percentage points for all respondents.

Instead of attempting to test the public’s specific scientific knowledge, which would no doubt have led to a series of suicides in the academic community, the poll asked “the folks” to rate their confidence in several statements concerning science and medicine.

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The poll found that many Americans are imbeciles and should not be allowed to reproduce or even drive motor vehicles

The results were depressing.

The poll found that fully forty percent of Americans were skeptical of the settled scientific facts represented in statements about climate change, evolution, the age of the earth, and the Big Bang.

“Science ignorance is pervasive in our society, and these attitudes are reinforced when some of our leaders are openly antagonistic to established facts,” said 2013 Nobel Prize in medicine winner Randy Schekman of the University of California, Berkeley.

The poll found that whenever scientific fact bumped up against religious belief and blind faith, faith won the day. Alan Leshner, chief executive of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, said that in the general population “most often values and beliefs trump science” when they conflict.

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Drs. John Bigboote, John Yaya, John Many Jars, and John Small Berries of Yoyodyne Labs have done extensive testing on human belief systems

According to the poll, confidence in evolution, the Big Bang, and the age of the earth rapidly decline as faith in a supreme being rises. The poll also found that evangelical Christians express much greater doubt about scientific concepts they see as contradictory to their faith.

Equally alarming to many scientists was the confidence that many Americans expressed in bizarre conspiracy theories. Fully twenty percent of Americans expressed confidence that George Bush orchestrated the 9/11 attacks, the moon landings were faked, and President Obama was in league with Satan, while discounting evolution as part of a “commie plot” to poison the minds of young schoolchildren. The poll also found that many Americans express a deep distrust of photosynthesis, the freezing point of water, and the concept of entropy. Nine percent of Americans believe that the refrigerator light stays on when you shut the door.

Interestingly, not all scientists were surprised or depressed by the poll.

Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems told reporters that “This poll reflects what we have found in our research at our facility over in Grover’s Mill. Careful examination of you monkey boys reveals that, despite having a huge prefrontal cortex when compared to other species on this miserable rock, on the whole you are apt to believe in imaginary beings who make things happen and punish the unrepentant.”

“It’s really quite bizarre,” said Lizardo. “Your species has experienced this great leap forward in technology over the past few centuries that has made life easier for all of mankind and greatly increased the average lifespan of humanoids. Countless discoveries have improved living conditions all over the planet.  All of this progress has been made thanks to the advancement of science and reason, but you guys still insist that evolution is a plot and the world was created 7000 years ago by a dude floating up there in the ether somewhere.”

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Dr. Emilio Lizardo was not surprised by the poll’s findings. For years he’s been telling any being who would listen that the average American’s grasp of science is “for shit”

“But we Lectroids are not complaining,” continued Dr. Lizardo, “this ‘blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance’ will only aid us as we secretly produce our oscillation overthruster so we can finally get our butts off this rock!”

The scientists who analyzed the results of the poll offer little hope for progress in the near future, but some did see light at the end of the wormhole.

“Look, you don’t run into many people around the world who still worship Zeus or Jupiter,” said Dr. Frank Black. “I think that in time we can reduce the number of folks who orient their lives around fairy tales and scary bedtime stories, and it is absolutely imperative that we do if we want to continue to thrive as a species.”

Dr. Black concluded by saying, “People should remember and take heed of Victor Stenger’s famous quote: ‘Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.'”

 

 

Right Wing Pastor And Lunatic Mark Blitz Says God Has His Hands Full

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Ominous “blood moon” is said to be a sign from God concerning Israel’s property rights, easements, and stern warning not to change the CC&Rs or traffic laws of the Middle East. Blitz did not explain why God simply did not make a phone call or send a memo.

SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – Yesterday pastor and well-known insane person Mark Blitz stopped in at World Net Daily, a prominent right-wing website dedicated to all manner of reactionary causes. A veritable black hole of ignorance, World Net Daily will go to any lengths to criticize and deride anything even remotely associated with the Obama (Satan) Administration.

Blitz told WND that the recent “blood moon” is a direct communication from God to Barack Obama concerning ongoing efforts to broker a Middle East peace agreement. “God has more than a ‘pen and a phone in his hand,'” said Blitz, referring to President Obama’s statement earlier this year in which he complained about Congressional obstructionism.

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Pastor Mark “Bulbous” Blitz insisted to WND that President Obama was violating all manner of celestial traffic laws and was driving the “SUV of state” like a drunken teenager

“I believe the moons are like flashing red warning lights at a heavenly intersection saying to Israel as well as the nations that they will be crossing heavenly red lines and if they do, they will understand as Pharaoh did on Passover night 3500 years ago that the Creator backs up what he says,” said Blitz.

Blitz continued, “Pharaoh jaywalked across a divine thoroughfare and was fined by God. It was the culmination of a series of misdemeanors committed against the Children of Israel and God finally had enough. When God laid down the traffic laws (consisting of a bewildering array of 23,590 different speed limits and other ordinances designed to prevent congestion and bottlenecks) he meant what he said.”

“Anyone who doubts what I am telling you can look it up. The entire set of ordinances can be found in the Book of Transportation under the little known 11th Commandment: ‘Thou Shalt Not Park In Handicapped Zones Without A Sticker,'” said Blitz.

“Like Pharaoh the leaders and pundits of today will realize that the Creator has more than a pen and a phone in his hand,” said Blitz. “The Creator has a phone, a stylish Montblanc Rubber Starwalker fountain pen, an extra-large book of tickets, a window washer, and nine millimeter handgun (for Florida residents) in his hands. In fact, God’s hands are absolutely full!’

When asked by WND news anchor Robert Nescient why an all-powerful God could not simply speak to Mr. Obama directly or just solve the Middle East problems by waving his recently filled hands around, Blitz looked incredulous.

“That’s just not how God works, you idiot. The Creator works in mysterious ways, just like the Atlanta City Council. He uses eclipses, comets, earthquakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis to deliver confusing and muddled messages to the people of earth. He relies on his chosen interpreters such as myself to decipher all his divine gobbledygook. People should really pay attention to me and take heed of what I am saying. I have to remind my wife of it all the time,” Blitz chuckled.

Pastor Blitz promised to Mr. Nescient that he would come back on the show in about a month and decipher the Creator’s upcoming message contained within the Perseid meteor shower in August. It is rumored that God is pissed off about the Affordable Care Act and will be threatening another worldwide flood if it is not repealed.

 

 

 

“I believe the moons are like flashing red warning lights at a heavenly intersection saying to Israel as well as the nations they will be crossing heavenly red lines and if they do, they will understand as Pharaoh did on Passover night 3,500 years ago that the Creator backs up what He says.
– See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/worldnetdaily-says-lunar-eclipse-was-divine-warning-obama#sthash.MblM6IoS.dpuf
“I believe the moons are like flashing red warning lights at a heavenly intersection saying to Israel as well as the nations they will be crossing heavenly red lines and if they do, they will understand as Pharaoh did on Passover night 3,500 years ago that the Creator backs up what He says.
– See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/worldnetdaily-says-lunar-eclipse-was-divine-warning-obama#sthash.MblM6IoS.dpuf

Florida Lawmakers Jump On Secession Bandwagon As Wave Of Demonic Possession Spreads To Southeast

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oklahomasecede

Cretonia’s best and brightest made time to get out and join the protests

TALLAHASSEE (CT&P) – Members of the Florida state senate and house voted overwhelmingly to secede from the Union yesterday at an emergency session called by Governor and Aztec Snake God Rick Scott. The action was taken in response to the wave of Cosmos related demonic possessions currently sweeping the state.

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Spokesthing Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson of Toxic Cove, Florida told reporters that he was quite handsome before viewing two episodes of Cosmos

The possession and transformation of ordinary American citizens into characters from a Lovecraftian nightmare began in Oklahoma and has been spreading to other parts of the Bible Belt at “warp speed.”

Screenings of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s new show are apparently causing a variety of mental disorders, weird behavior, and physical metamorphosis among children and weak-minded adults from Oklahoma City all the way to the outskirts of South Beach.

Right-wing religious zealots have been protesting en masse to try to get the show pulled from Fox’s lineup out of fear that all order will soon collapse and chaos will reign across the United States. However, since Fox has thus far refused to take the popular and informative show off the air, the “confederacy of dunces” has switched tactics and has begun pushing for secession.

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Michelle Lamprey of Sudafed Springs was a normal Florida housewife with three kids and a manageable weekend meth habit before Cosmos aired

A spokesman for the protestors, Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson, told reporters that “We are not gonna just stand by and see our archaic and outdated religious beliefs be questioned by some smarty-pants who thinks he knows everything just ’cause he went to college!”

“We think that secession from the Union would allow us to set up our own radio and television stations that we can tightly monitor and control just like in China or North Korea,” said Turd. “That way, if anyone says anything that disagrees with the Bible we can burn them at the stake or lash them to barges in the Mississippi until the heretics ‘see the light.’ We can always sink the barges as a last resort.”

Scientists from around the world are scrambling to try to come up with an explanation for such a weird reaction to a television show based on science and reason.

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Little Suzie Creamcheese was a cheerful and outgoing student at Sinkhole Middle School before watching Cosmos in science class. Now she lives in a shopping cart.

“A significant percentage of citizens in the Bible Belt are hypersensitive to any ideas hatched at any time after the Middle Ages,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, of the Banzai Institute in New Brunswick, New Jersey. “They prefer to go on believing that some unseen force controls the universe and we damn sure better worship it in order not to incur its wrath. It’s really weird.”

Dr Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems concurred, saying “We have long studied the habits and culture of the monkey-boys inhabiting this so-called ‘Bible Belt.’ We find their obstinate dedication to ancient ritual and belief in the supernatural quite amusing. It gives us Red Lectroids hope that one day we will indeed crush you humans and finally get our butts off this rock.”

The Obama administration is of two minds on the secession issue. On the one hand secession from the Union is clearly unconstitutional and could lead to all sorts of problems, not the least of which would be bloody armed conflict. On the other hand many members of the administration and other politicians would be more than happy to see the State of Florida become someone else’s problem. At this point no federal action is likely to take place.

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus And Satan Distance Themselves From Pat Robertson And Christian Right

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Pat

GENEVA-At a press conference held this morning in neutral Switzerland, the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace hastened to distance themselves from televangelist and right-wing kook Pat Robertson. Robertson’s unhinged tirade on his “700 Club” broadcast last week seems to have triggered the unprecedented joint press conference.

“We’re used to Pat foaming at the mouth and blaming every conceivable tragedy on us,” said Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar. “What made this time different was that Robertson managed to insult the leaders of both major religions as well as every sentient being in this galaxy with an IQ over 50.”

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Archangel Gabriel, one of Christ’s political advisors, suggested that Robertson may have suffered a stroke during the broadcast which could account for his irrational outburst

Robertson, winner of the coveted “Bigot of the Year Award” for 2013, went berserk on his show last Wednesday, ranting about Jesus having a part-time job in a bakery and recalling the “good old days” when gay people were stoned to death in the town square. Robertson informed his mainly elderly and infirm viewers that back in the “Golden Age” if “two men decided they wanted to cohabit together they would have been stoned to death.”

Robertson went on to rave, “So Jesus would not have baked them a wedding cake or nor would he have made them a bed to sleep in because they wouldn’t have been there.” Robertson went on to lament the current state of affairs in the United States where stoning is unfortunately against the law. “We don’t have that in this country so that’s the way it is.” Robertson wiped a tear from his eye before continuing; “homosexuality is a meaningless exercise because it doesn’t go anywhere.” At this point Phil Robertson (no biologic relation but a brother in hatred) of Duck Dynasty fame and a guest on the show, interjected: “Yeah Pat, that’s right! Besides, women have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

Robertson was not finished, however. He went on to insult Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, by stating “The Devil is trying to say, ‘I’m going to destroy your progeny any way I can. If you kill your babies, that’s fine. If you deny the chance of having babies (by being homosexual) then that’s fine too.'”

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Lucifer appeared in one of his less threatening guises in order to stress his cooperative nature

The leaders of the two major religious organizations in the known universe found Robertson’s tirade a little over the top and decided to hold the presser in order to make their positions clear.

A coin was flipped and Jesus won, so he went first.

“I just wanted to make it clear that all humans are equal in my eyes. Everyone is welcome regardless of race, creed, color, or sexual preference, and I’m really am tired of having to take so many antacids to fight off the nausea caused by ignorant and hateful statements made in my name. And another thing: I am a carpenter, not a freaking baker. I’d be lost in a bakery. I have absolutely no clue how to bake a wedding cake, for Heaven’s sake.”

Mephistopheles then approached the lectern to enthusiastic applause from the representatives of the press. He began: “Thanks guys! I just want to say that all this whining about not wanting folks to reproduce is a bunch of horse shit. I love kids and I really love the process that spawns them. Have you guys seen my new monument in  Oklahoma City? It’s one of the few child-friendly monuments in the United States. In fact, that “suffer the little children” line in the New Testament was originally mine. Matthew was always screwing up his quotes and attributions. The guy was a tax-collector for God’s sake, not a Jewish version of Homer.”

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The two charismatic leaders seemed happy to see each other in person and made time for a little male bonding

At this point Jesus interrupted and said, “OK, let’s stay on track here Lou. What both of us would like to make clear is that there is no room for intolerance in either the Divine or Satanic Parties. We don’t countenance bigotry or hatred in any of its myriad forms. Neither one of us could really give a damn what goes on in anyone’s bedroom. Marry who you want to. Just treat your partner with respect, that’s all we’re saying.”

“That’s right,” said the Devil. Prejudice and tribalism are downright counterproductive. We all have to live in this neck of the firmament, so why can’t we all just get along?”

The press conference ended with the two leaders shaking hands and promising a new era of bipartisanship between the parties.

Bowing To Pressure From The Christian Right, Disney Announces Construction of New “Nine Circles Of Hell” Theme Park

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ORLANDO-Under extreme pressure from Tea Party officials and facing the threat of boycotts from right-wing Christian organizations, Disney has announced a total image makeover. As part of the change, officials have hired new producers and directors, a new spokesperson, and have plans for a massive new theme park dedicated solely to the beliefs of evangelical Christians. The new park is being designed to influence and convert young children who may be thinking about taking a different path in life. “We want to do our part to help youngsters decide to do what is right and reject the lies of science and reason,” said Disney’s new spokesperson Phil Robertson. “We really think we can be a positive influence on those five or six-year-old kids who are weighing the advantages of becoming  lifetime disciples of Satan as opposed to doing the right thing and choosing Jesus.”

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The always cheerful and uplifting serial killer of water fowl Phil Robertson will be Disney’s new spokesperson.

As part of the makeover, Disney will only produce low-grossing films and animated features of a religious nature that emphasize leading a life dedicated to faith and superstition while renouncing the evils of logical thought and enlightenment. Although this will diminish corporate profits and lead to a less educated generation of young adults, Disney executives feel that the stock prices of the company will be propped up by block purchases by godly corporations such as Hobby Lobby and Vatican Investments, Inc.

The changes in production and public relations form only two-thirds of the makeover triad. The centerpiece of the new Disney will feature a multi-billion dollar theme park known as “The Nine Circles of Hell.” The park will consist of a variety of educational attractions for the kiddies such as museums dedicated to refuting hundreds of years of scientific progress and societal evolution. Disney has hired Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky, as well as Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, as consultants on the new project. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has been hired as Disney’s new adviser on science and education.

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Children will be reminded of the consequences of sin by a series of cheerful signs posted along the route of the new “Descent Into Hell” ride.

“The new park will do its best to convince youngsters that all this talk of evolution, climate change, and the big bang is just mumbo jumbo,” said Robertson, as he spoke to reporters from his home in Fecal Shoals, Louisiana. “I mean, anyone with any sense knows that the earth is only about 6000 years old. All this crap about the ‘big bang’ is just liberal propaganda.” Robertson, who was dissembling and cleaning an AR-15 as he spoke, continued: “But what we really want to emphasize is the consequences of choosing a sinful lifestyle. We believe that the best way to keep kids from deciding to be homosexual perverts and servants of the Devil is to scare the ever-loving shit out of them. That’s why I’m so excited about the new ‘Descent Into Hell’ children’s ride we have planned. It should really make guys want to stick with having sex with women. I mean, everybody knows they have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

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The entrance to the new ride will feature a melancholy apocalyptic landscape in order to get the kids into a depressed and pessimistic mood before the descent.

According to engineers at Disney, the innovative “Descent Into Hell” ride will be educational as well as fun. Kids (as well as backsliding adults) will be fitted with stylish straight jackets hand-made by Luddites camped outside the park. Then the kids will be tied to saddles atop mechanical dinosaurs who will then descend through the mouth of a cave into the bowels of hell. The kids will be bombarded by a dark and melancholy musical score consisting of works by Wagner and Mahler in the upper levels and the continuous repetition of Barber’s Adagio for Strings as they approach the lower infernal regions.

The first level of the ride of course begins in Limbo, where the kids are taken on a tour of the U.S. Senate and House Chambers and treated to a seemingly never-ending cable newscast about the mysterious flight of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. Then the robotic raptors lumber on down to the lower levels of the ride where more Lovecraftian horrors will await the already perplexed and despondent children. Disney engineers are particularly proud of level three, Gluttony, where androids manufactured in the likenesses of Rush Limbaugh, Chris Christie, and William Howard Taft charge out of a thick soupy fog and threaten to devour the kids alive. “It just about the scariest thing I have ever been a part of designing,” said Matt McClendon, a part-time programmer for Disney.

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A holographic version of the Roman poet Virgil will accompany each child on their journey through the fires of hell. Here Virgil can be seen with his buddies Dante and Captain Phlegyas as they enjoy a dinner cruise along the River Styx

Perhaps the most innovative feature in the entire new park is the totally interactive hologram of the Roman poet Virgil who will accompany the kids on their trip to Hades. The ghostly apparition of Virgil, fully equipped with artificial intelligence, we be able to explain thousands of different sins and their consequences to the children in over 100 different languages.  Virgil will be able to answer all the burning questions that are on the minds average American five-year-olds, such as “What happens if I spill my milk?” Or “What happens to me if I believe in evolution?”  Or “What happens if I miss the March 31st deadline for signing up for Obamacare?” Or most importantly, “What happens to my immortal soul if I am unable to overcome the constant pressure emanating from Democrats and the liberal media and decide to turn gay?”

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Phil Robertson, Disney’s new spokesperson, made it a condition of his employment that Virgil be programmed to drone on and on about how women had “more to offer down there” and how legalizing gay marriage would bring about the downfall of western civilization. More than one programmer was heard to utter “Methinks he doth protest too much.”

Disney plans to have grief counselors and psychologists specializing in the treatment of early childhood trauma standing by at the exit of the ride to try to stave off lawsuits from the parents of kids who may become mentally unhinged or permanently disabled by the experience. “We want to err on the side of caution when it comes to these young skulls full of mush,” said Dr. Joe Mengele Jr., a staff physician at Disney. “We know we can’t be perfect, but we want to limit the number of cases of PTSD to the bare minimum.”

As everyone knows Disney has the “Midas Touch” when it comes to new projects, and great things are predicted for the new park. Christian youth groups and Sunday school classes from all over the country have already booked reservations at the new park even before construction has begun. However, spokesman Phil Robertson was quick to emphasize that it was not all about the money. “We want to fight the influence of ‘Big Gay,’ ‘Big Mooslim,’ and ‘Big Lucifer’ wherever we see them taking root. This is about saving souls and raising a whole generation of kids who will not be exposed to the dangers of science, reason, and individual choice. It’s all a part of our nationwide campaign to ‘Just Say No To Satan.’ I’m confident that any child who visits the new park will be so befuddled and terrified by the experience that he or she will have no choice but to follow the right path and reject the evils that a more compassionate and tolerant society have forced upon us. The future looks bright at Disney.”

Satan Said To Be “Absolutely Delighted” By Academy Award Winners

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satantux

Lucifer only had time for a photo-op and a brief statement thanking the Academy for the Oscars and congratulating his minions at Disney for all their hard work.

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The Prince of Darkness was in a rush to get back to work because of his hectic schedule. He did however spend an inordinate amount of time in the men’s room.

RIVER STYX-Mephistopheles made a rare appearance at the Academy Awards Show on March 2nd in order to thank the Academy and to show his appreciation for all the hard work put in by his lackeys at Disney. Frozen, Disney’s latest propaganda tool, took home the coveted Best Animated Film Designed to Make Children Choose a Degenerate Homosexual Lifestyle Oscar as well as the Oscar for Best Achievement in Music Written for a Motion Picture Promoting Bestiality and Debased Sexual Practices.

Lord Balthazar, Satanic Press Secretary and aide to the Prince of Darkness told reporters, “His Majesty does not usually make public his connections with various studios and production companies. However, this time he decided to make an exception because he was so pleased with the outcome of the Oscar balloting. His friends in Hollywood really came through for us this time.”

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Pastor Kevin Swanson in the midst of a cerebrovascular accident, commonly known as a stroke. He often has minor strokes during his sermons, which explains the extensive brain damage he has to overcome on a daily basis.

“Besides”, Balthazar continued, “that brain-damaged lunatic Swanson had already gone public with our involvement. We really prefer to work our magic in more mysterious ways and keep in the background, but recent revelations made by that imbecile exposed our working relationship with the good people at Disney. Swanson really is an insightful genius on par with Einstein or Bill Buckley. He seems to be able to see through our schemes like it was child’s play,” said Balthazar, rolling his eyes.

Pastor Swanson made the world aware of Beelzebub’s vile and heinous infiltration of Disney on his international blockbuster right-wing Christian talk show. It is carried on more than three radio stations worldwide, so literally hundreds of people are now aware of Mephistopheles’ pernicious cooperation with the perverts who directed and produced Frozen.

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Pastor Swanson as he appears to anyone who made it past sixth grade.

Pastor Swanson stated, “Friends, this is evil, just evil. I wonder if people are thinking ‘You know I think this cute little movie is going to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way’. The dullard Swanson went on to postulate that the Devil made his first inroads at Disney in the eighties when perverted homosexual swine first started to come out of the closet. “Homosexuals make a choice to live a sinful and degrading life. They are all doomed to eternal hellfire and they should be kept away from kids at all costs. Why, I can remember when I was five years old and rationally weighed the consequences of choosing a gay lifestyle. I shudder to think what my decision could have been had films like Frozen been around way back then.”

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Lucifer has always adored little kids. In fact he claims that the “suffer the little children” line in the New Testament was originally his. This is a scale model of his new child-friendly monument to be placed on the capitol grounds in Oklahoma City.

Lord Balthazar told reporters that now that the Satanic cat is out of the bag, his boss Diabolus, Lord of Darkness and King of Hell, will take a much more active and public part in Disney’s productions. “I think he feels he has received so much bad press over the years that it’s time to ‘come out of the closet,’ so to speak. He has written a script for an animated film about a cute family of jackals that kidnaps and devours an infant in some sort of ceremony designed to delay the Second Coming. It’s loosely based on the story of Lindy Chamberlain, whose child had an unfortunate encounter with a dingo while camping in Australia. It’s an absolutely hilarious script, and we hope it will encourage kids to have sex with jackals and other canids. Lord Apollyon really is a sweet and talented guy who loves kids and only wants the best for them, and I feel he has been misunderstood for aeons. With his intelligence and cutting wit, I think the future for Disney looks bright indeed.”