Tag Archives: christmas

Nation’s Cats Grateful For Something New To Demolish

Posted in humor by

Christmas-Tree-Bad-Cat-2

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – The Fraternal Order of Felines issued a statement this week thanking its human servants for once again bringing trees and shrubs inside homes across America this year and adorning them with fragile objects and wires with flashing lights on them.

The statement included testimonials from cats from every corner of the country about past winters when they wreaked havoc on numerous trees, destroyed valuable ornaments, and chewed through electrical wiring while successfully blaming the carnage on the family dog.

christmastreecat

Einstein from Sioux Falls said that lying in wait and pouncing on unsuspecting elderly relatives was his favorite pastime every Chrismas

“I look forward to this time every year,” said Socrates, a cat from Birmingham, Alabama. “There’s nothing better than waiting until my humans leave to visit grandma, and then completely undoing all their hard work. I really appreciate all the effort they put in every winter.”

Some cats stated that they prefer the real thing while others said they liked artificial trees better.

christmascat

Edgar from Atlanta, Georgia said that although it was big fun to wreak havoc with the fire department every once in a while, an indoor tree offered possibilities not found outdoors

“I prefer artificial trees,” said Einstein, a Grey Tabby from Sioux Falls, South Dakota. “They’re much more satisfying to chew on and you can admire the damage you did last year when they drag the thing out of the attic after Thanksgiving.”

Pandora, a Maine Coon from Los Angeles, California, disagreed saying, “There’s nothing better than a human trying to take a shortcut and putting a ceramic tree on the server in the dining room. They scare hell out of the dog when they crash to the floor, and all the debris is fun to bat around.”

Whatever the type of tree, the kitty consensus was that as long as humans continue to feed them and go to such ridiculous extremes to entertain them with new and creative decorations each Christmas, they would stick around the house for years to come.

 

 

 

 

A Christmas Miracle

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

charltonheston2

BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In what many are calling a Christmas miracle, Charlton Heston appeared out of nowhere this morning on the beaches of northwest Florida. Heston was on horseback and was accompanied by a scantily clad mute female who many believe was Mary Magdalene or possibly even the Virgin Mary.

charltonheston

Heston screamed and writhed on the sand for hours in front of curious onlookers who had woken up early to enjoy free beer and hot dogs before the wet elf costume contest at the Spinnaker.

For hours Heston galloped up and down the beaches berating the native population for re-electing the ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott as their governor.

“Damn you! God damn you all to hell!” screamed Heston.

For many decades Heston has been an icon of the right and a huge supporter of the NRA. However, Heston’s support of marriage equality and his objections to oppressive new voter ID laws has recently put him at odds with the GOP leadership in Florida. Heston pumped a great deal of cash and effort into Charlie Crist’s campaign and was apparently frustrated that the citizens of Florida have once again chosen a “false idol” to worship for four more years.

CHARLTON-HESTON-PLANET-OF-THE-APES

Although a famous icon of the right, Heston has long supported marriage equality.

“You idiots,” yelled Heston, “what is it about snake gods and golden calves that turns you people on so much?”

Heston then jumped off his horse and made a huge display of tearing up his Florida voter ID card and throwing it on the sands of “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.”

charltonheston4

After several hours of marching up and down the beach hurling epithets at Cretonians of all ages, Heston turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, and rode off.

“The Lord Our God will kick your ass for this travesty!” said Heston. He then turned, parted the Gulf of Mexico, jumped back on his horse and rode off.

Most pundits believe that Heston’s temper tantrum will have little effect on Florida politics, and the state will remain a “Forbidden Zone” for many years to come. Political pundit Barry Edwards told Wolf Blitzer on CNN that “This whole region is like a vast wasteland of intelligence. It’s gonna take one hell of a lot more than a Christmas miracle to fix this God-forsaken state. We might as well lift off and nuke the entire site from orbit-it’s the only way to be sure.”

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Drone Strike”

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

drone1

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, let your heart be light

From now on our victims will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, make the Yuletide gay

From now on our pilots will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of gore

Faithful rebels who were dear to us, are not near to us anymore

Through the years we all will be together, if the courts allow

Hang a bloody corpse upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little drone strike now

ISLAMABAD-As Christmas Day approaches and millions of Americans are celebrating the birth of Christ by purchasing presents from Walmart, our military marked the occasion by obliterating a few suspected militants in Yemen and North Waziristan. Although administration officials declined comment on the strikes, we managed to reach General Jack Ripper USAF (Ret) for his thoughts on the matter.

Iraqi Freedom

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like a series of massive bombs detonating right in the middle of a wedding procession!

“It has become a sort of Christmas tradition,” said General Ripper. “The holidays are the perfect time to hit the enemy because we can target weddings and other gatherings during the slow news cycle back home. Most Americans are more concerned with the mythical “War on Christmas” than with innocent people being vaporized in the name of democracy. Drone strikes are great because they are the most cost-effective way to provoke the locals and swell the ranks of our terrorist opponents. If we face growing numbers of terrorists then it is much easier to justify a bloated defense budget and intrusive information-gathering programs.”

jackdripper

General Ripper spoke to us from a private suite in the psychiatric wing of Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland

General Ripper continued, “These savages living in mud huts thousands of miles away constitute a clear and present danger to our way of life and our republic, and the startling truth is that there are at least a few dozen of them. Furthermore, these guys are believed to be the masterminds behind the evil worldwide plot to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids,” said Ripper. “Our nation is a righteous one founded on Christian principles, chosen by God and Jesus to lead the free world, and if we have to blow up the rest of the globe to prove it, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do!” General Ripper had to end our phone interview at that point because it was time for the night nurse to distribute medication.

Pakistani and Yemeni government officials have protested the drone strikes as being counter-productive, saying they serve only to provoke lunatic religious fanatics. They have advised citizens living in tribal areas that during traditional infidel holidays a trip to a large town may be in order, and all New Year’s Eve celebrations should be held in caves deep underground.

“Now I guess I’ll have to tell ’em that I ain’t got no sarahbellum!”

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by

sarah-palin-1

ATLANTA-Tragedy was narrowly averted yesterday at a Sarah Palin book-signing just north of Atlanta, Georgia. The event was taking place at the Compassionate Conservative Bookstore in Marietta, seat and largest city in Cobb County, home of the infamous Newt Gingrich.

The stop was one of many scheduled by Palin in the period between Christmas and New Year’s Day. It was part of her “Southern Strategy” to blitzkrieg the Bible Belt in an attempt to sell as many copies as possible of her new book before the end the year. The book, Good Tidings and Great Joy, is Palin’s fantastical and bizarre treatise on the mythical “War on Christmas.”

According to eyewitnesses, Palin was seated behind a table, signing books for a huge crowd of at least a dozen eager customers, when she spotted the local Fox affiliate setting up for a post-signing interview in the parking lot. She then apparently made a guttural snorting sound, vaulted the table, and stampeded through the crowd in route to the cameras.

“It was terrifying,” said Molly Ringworm, assistant manager of the store. “Once she saw those cameras she lowered her head and crashed through the crowd like a bull moose during the rut!”

A young woman and her infant were seriously injured and taken to nearby Kennestone Hospital for blunt-force trauma, apparently caused by impact with the top of Palin’s skull. They have since been released and are expected to make a full recovery. Spokesperson for the hospital, Ms Myrna Thadditch, told reporters that it was a close call but the pair managed to avoid any deep puncture wounds so often caused by Palin’s hooves in similar incidents.

Stegoceras026

Artist’s rendering of Stegoceras and its thick skull

We were able to contact Dr. Alan Grant, famed paleontologist currently teaching at Emory University in Atlanta, to get some insight into Palin’s behavior. “This head-butting activity is seen in a wide variety of extant species such as bighorn sheep, bison, and musk-ox, to name a few. It was also quite common in some dinosaur species such as Stegoceras, who was practically designed for high-speed head butting.” Dr. Grant continued, “Palin’s skull must be the consistency of an anvil to be able to take these repeated blows without fracturing. It’s amazing!”

Dr. Tobias Anthrax, a noted psychologist and colleague of Grant’s, chimed in “This head-butting could help explain some of the disjointed rambling and historical revisionism that so defines her literary efforts. No human can take that kind of repeated pounding to the cranium without a commensurate decrease in mental capacity, I don’t care how thick her skull is.”

Times-Picayune reporter Spiny Norman was able to contact Marietta police chief Harry “Snapper” Organs in an effort to determine whether Palin would be charged. “Well, normally we don’t take too kindly to someone trampling our citizens like a rogue elephant, but considering her political affiliation I think we can let her go with just a warning this time,” said Organs.

Palin offered only this brief statement in explanation for the incident: “Everything that occurs in the universe is ultimately the will of God. Therefore I cannot be blamed either for injuries to people who get in my way or for my sub-par prose. It is vitally important that people hear what I have to say so we can try to reverse the tragic decay of our republic caused by Obamacare and the insidious ‘War on Christmas.’ Therefore, the more often I appear on television the better it is for this wonderful Christian nation.”

The book-signing blitz is apparently continuing apace with stops in Birmingham, Montgomery, Jackson and Little Rock scheduled for today.

Related articles

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Drone Strike”

Posted in humor, politics by

drone1

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, let your heart be light

From now on our victims will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little drone strike, make the Yuletide gay

From now on our pilots will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days, happy golden days of gore

Faithful rebels who were dear to us, are not near to us anymore

Through the years we all will be together, if the courts allow

Hang a bloody corpse upon the highest bough

And have yourself a merry little drone strike now

ISLAMABAD-As Christmas Day approaches and millions of Americans are celebrating the birth of Christ by purchasing presents from Walmart, our military marked the occasion by obliterating a few suspected militants in Yemen and North Waziristan. Although administration officials declined comment on the strikes, we managed to reach General Jack Ripper USAF (Ret) for his thoughts on the matter.

Iraqi Freedom

Nothing says “Merry Christmas” quite like a series of massive bombs detonating right in the middle of a wedding procession!

“It has become a sort of Christmas tradition,” said General Ripper. “The holidays are the perfect time to hit the enemy because we can target weddings and other gatherings during the slow news cycle back home. Most Americans are more concerned with the mythical “War on Christmas” than with innocent people being vaporized in the name of democracy. Drone strikes are great because they are the most cost-effective way to provoke the locals and swell the ranks of our terrorist opponents. If we face growing numbers of terrorists then it is much easier to justify a bloated defense budget and intrusive information-gathering programs.”

jackdripper

General Ripper spoke to us from a private suite in the psychiatric wing of Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland

General Ripper continued, “These savages living in mud huts thousands of miles away constitute a clear and present danger to our way of life and our republic, and the startling truth is that there are at least a few dozen of them. Furthermore, these guys are believed to be the masterminds behind the evil worldwide plot to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids,” said Ripper. “Our nation is a righteous one founded on Christian principles,chosen by God and Jesus to lead the free world, and if we have to blow up the rest of the globe to prove it, then by God that’s what we’re gonna do!” General Ripper had to end our phone interview at that point because it was time for the night nurse to distribute medication.

Pakistani and Yemeni government officials have protested the drone strikes as being counter-productive, and serve only to provoke lunatic religious fanatics. They have advised citizens living in tribal areas that during traditional infidel holidays a trip to a large town may be in order, and all New Year’s Eve celebrations should be held in caves deep underground.

Related articles

Shocking New Revelations From Edward Snowden

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by

snowden

MOSCOW-During his first annual Christmas special from a stylish dacha located just outside Moscow, Edward Snowden revealed what may be the most insidious of all the intrusive NSA spy programs.

The variety show, “A Very Snowden Christmas” was broadcast around the world on BBC Channel 4. It featured a Stoli chugging contest, a chess tournament in real-time, readings from Fyodor Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment, and a viewing of the recent hit internet movie “Babushkas Gone Wild!”

However, the main event was Snowden’s three-hour rumination on the loss of privacy and its potential effects on society in the future. During this linguistic marathon Snowden casually mentioned what can only be described as a monstrous NSA program code-named “Satan’s Claws.”

The program has apparently been active for over four years. It seems that in a rare case of inter-agency cooperation, the FBI and NSA managed to coerce Santa Claus into gathering video and DNA evidence for use by the intelligence community. The program takes advantage of the notorious “sneak and peek” provision of the Patriot Act. Once per year on Christmas Eve, Santa snaps photos and records video of the interior of millions of American homes. He also takes mouth swabs from suspicious characters and “dissidents” while they sleep. The photos, videos and DNA samples are then entered in a huge database for possible use by government agencies at a later date.

When asked to define “dissident” for purposes of the program, Snowden said “You know dissidents, unsavory characters like liberals, members of the press, Hollywood types, basically anyone who votes Democrat.”

Snowden went on to say that at first Mr. Claus was very reluctant to participate in such a sinister program. However, when FBI agents showed Santa some old surveillance photos and threatened to expose him, he finally agreed to participate. Apparently the rumors about Santa and his Elves are true.

“A Very Snowden Christmas” turned out to be a huge hit in Russia where over 20 million homes tuned in on black and white television sets. Snowden closed the program by sliding down a pole with a vodka martini in his hand a la Dean Martin. He then strolled off the stage to the tune of the “March” from Prokofiev’s The Love of Three Oranges, with a gorgeous blonde on each arm.

Related articles

CIA Whistleblower Confirms That Santa Claus Is White

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by

santaintruck

LONDON-At an early morning press conference held at The Guadian’s London headquarters, spokesman Lord John Wharfin announced that the paper had obtained incontrovertible evidence that Santa Claus is in fact a Caucasian.

Lord Wharfin displayed a series of grainy long-range surveillance photographs along with a statement from a mole within the C.I.A. The photos revealed a bearded man in a red suit backing a rental truck up to the dock of a C.I.A. “black site” somewhere in the Balkans. “As you can plainly see from this photograph, Santa is undoubtedly a white man,” Wharfin said.

The series of photos showed Santa leaning out of the truck with a cigarette dangling from his mouth using the driver’s side mirror to line up the rear of the truck with the loading bay. Wharfin continued, “We can also deduce that Santa smokes Camels and the burst blood vessels around the nose and cheeks indicate that he is a heavy drinker.”

An unnamed informant told The Guardian that Santa was delivering a vintage “Brazen Bull” from Sicily, once used by Phalaris, tyrant of Akragas, to execute unruly citizens. The C.I.A. had placed the Bull at the top of its Christmas list this year. Santa apparently obtained the Bull from a surplus store in Palermo.

The “Brazen Bull” has been a tried and true torture and execution device for millenia. It is a hollow bull cast from bronze or gold into which the condemned are placed while a fire is set under it. As the bull heats up, the unfortunates inside slowly roast to death. All in all it can be a rather unpleasant experience.

Traditionally, brazen bulls have been equipped with devices on the snout which convert the screams of the damned into beautiful music. However, the C.I.A. model has been modified to produce confessions and information that the intelligence community wants to hear, regardless of its veracity.

A "Brazen Bull" from Phalaris' first production run circa 550 BC

A “Brazen Bull” from Phalaris’ first production run circa 550 BC

In a written statement read aloud by Lord Wharfin the mysterious whistleblower said, “For some time now the Agency has been casting about for a replacement for waterboarding and long-term sleep deprivation. We have just had too much bad press on those two methods of torture. The drone program is cool, but it’s damn near impossible to interrogate anyone after they and their families have been blown to bits by high explosive. The ‘Bull’ offers us a viable alternative, and who knows, maybe later we can sell a few knock-offs to the FBI or DEA for domestic use.”

Lord Wharfin closed the press conference by saying that The Guardian did not in any way support the torture of any individuals under any circumstances. The disclosure regarding the “Brazen Bull” was merely a by-product of its efforts to determine the racial background of a mythical character purported to visit millions of homes on Jesus’ birthday.

In the Spirit of the Season, Satan Offers Fox News Anchors Blanket Amnesty

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by

satan2

Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, offered to pardon every Fox News anchor and pundit today if they solemnly swear to never mention Obamacare again. Each television personality would be granted immunity for all other sins and be given free passage to Heaven upon death, and the Prince of Darkness would give up all rights to their eternal souls.

It seems that Mephistopheles and his lieutenants have been driven to distraction by the incessant round-the-clock drumbeat of inane and preposterous criticism about Obamacare.

At a press conference on the banks of the River Styx, Hades Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told a gathering of reporters and other condemned souls that “His Majesty is simply fed up and has had enough. For millennia we have always been the ‘go-to’ guys for torment, agony, suffering and hopelessness. Now here come these upstarts on a television network trying to ‘horn-in’ on our turf!” Balthazar continued, “However, let it be known that there’s no ‘War on Christmas’ down here, and as vile as these creatures are, His Majesty is willing to give them a second chance. From pompous Bill O’Reilly to hysterical Megyn Kelly, they all have the opportunity to do what is right and shut the hell up about Obamacare.”

Minos, Judge of the Dead, added, “We tried sending a ‘cease and desist’ order but it had no effect because Fox has no respect for the law. Apparently these people are so bent on denying health care to the poor that they will stop at nothing. I’ve never seen such a lack of compassion. It makes us look like a bunch of amateurs.”

Keres, hideous she-demon of violent death and disease, was also present at the press conference. “Look, I’m somewhat of an expert on health care. It’s my job to tear souls out of the dying, so I know what I’m talking about, and no health care system could be half as bad as what Greta Van Susteren describes on her show. And that idiot Sean Hannity, I’d rather rip my own head off rather than hear his vacuous arguments.”

Lord Balthazar emphasized that this was a one time deal and the agreements had to be signed by the end of the calendar year in order to be valid.

At the close of the presser Horkos was given a stack of Fed Ex envelopes and told by Balthazar to deliver the personalized contracts to each Fox anchor and pundit by the close of business today. No official word was given on what action Beelzebub will take if the agreements are rejected, but our sources in the Underworld tell us that as a last resort the Devil would offer Fox News employees lucrative positions in Purgatory tormenting the impure.

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Lose

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by

megynkelly

Hysteria over the mythical “War On Christmas” reached a fever pitch at Fox News last week with multiple anchors and pundits becoming apoplectic over supposed threats to our most holy of holidays.

Anchor Megyn Kelly showed signs of losing her small mind during a discussion of Aisha Harris’ column in Slate. Harris had suggested that Santa could possibly be changed to a “race neutral” being such as a penguin. As we know, any suggestion of cultural or societal change in America is met with venomous and often incoherent outrage by Fox News personnel, and Kelly is no exception.

On her Wednesday show Kelly waxed ignorant on the subject: “For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But Santa is what he is.”

Kelly continued, “I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa – I just want the kids watching to know that.”

Where does one begin to analyze this mess?

In the first place, Aisha Harris has to realize that the chances of replacing Santa with Penguin Claus are about as good as replacing the Easter Bunny with an avenging alien Xenomorph. Santa Claus is about as entrenched in American culture as Bill O’Reilly is at Fox News. He’s not going anywhere.

But Kelly’s reaction to the “Penguin Claus” suggestion was bordering on the insane. Not satisfied with criticizing Harris about Santa, she had to bring Jesus into the mix, claiming both were white guys. Kelly, like many Fox anchors, has a real problem discerning fact from fiction and conjecture. Both gentlemen in question, Saint Nicholas and Jesus of Nazareth, were born in areas of the world not particularly known for an abundance of white skinned, blonde, blue-eyed citizens, Kelly’s attempt to make them Aryans notwithstanding.

Kelly is not alone in her madness. Another Fox anchor, Gretchen Carlson, went ballistic over a “Festivus Pole” erected at the Cretonia Capitol in Tallahassee. She said, “Why do I have to drive around with my kids to look for nativity scenes and be like, ‘Oh yeah kids, look. There’s Baby Jesus behind the Festivus pole made out of beer cans!”

The most obvious answer to Gretchen is, “You don’t.” In fact, all of us would be grateful if you and your children stayed at home, where you will do the least amount of damage. And by the way, while you’re there you could enjoy a little PBR yourself. It might relieve a little tension and loosen you up.

All of this furor over some mythical “War On Christmas” is only designed to fill broadcast time at Fox while anchors take a breather from bashing Obamacare. It puts on display the insecurity of both the anchors and their overwhelmingly white, aging audience. To paraphrase Jon Stewart, Fox News lives in a world of pure fear and despair where every inconsequential change becomes a harbinger of a dystopian post-America apocalypse.

We realize that an ego the size of Manhattan is apparently a mandatory trait in order to be an anchor on any network in this day and age, but a little humility when one makes an idiot of oneself would be refreshing.

However, instead of apologizing for her rant, Kelly devoted an entire segment of her show on Friday to criticizing her detractors and letting us know how important and powerful both Fox News and Megyn Kelly really are. She accused her critics of race-baiting, among other things.

Say what?

As Baby Jesus’ supposed birth-date nears we will no doubt be treated to more of this insanity. It’s just a damn shame that Megyn could not stick to modeling swimsuits and lingerie instead of commenting on societal issues. She is far better equipped for the former pursuit.

In the immortal words of Dan Quayle, “What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.”

Related articles

Popes Gone Wild! (Holiday Edition)

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by

pope francis

Pope Francis went out of his ecclesiastical mind last week by suggesting in his Evangelii Gaudium that Christians should actually live according to the teachings of Christ. Among other things, the Pope criticized the excessive greed associated with unfettered capitalism.

The Pope has recently exhibited other forms of instability by stating that we should show compassion for the poor and accept as equals those of other faiths and lifestyles. He is also rumored to participate in questionable nocturnal activities such as ministering to homeless people in soup kitchens and on the street while dressed as a common priest.

All of this finally became too much for good Christians to bear, and veritable hail of brimstone erupted from the mouths of conservative pundits and pro capitalist ministers across America.

Rush Limbaugh (net worth 370-400 million) was first to pontificate over the Apostolic Exhortation. He essentially called the Pope a dimwit who was unable to understand classic economic theory. He also called the document “pure Marxism.” Limbaugh, borrowing a page from Glenn Beck’s book, blamed it on a conspiracy, stating “somebody has either written this for him or gotten to him.”  Next week Limbaugh plans a thorough explanation of why gluttony is not really a sin.

Next to jump on the creaky, unstable conservative bandwagon was Jonathon Moseley, a well-known Virginia defense attorney and Tea Party kook. Mr. Moseley made it clear that Jesus supports capitalism and was mortified by the Pope’s most recent antics. He informed us that “Jesus was weeping in heaven” over the Evangelii Gaudium. “Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist” he said. In the same article, Moseley stated that “the consumer is king,” which is somewhat confusing to those of us who have been taught all our lives that Christ was King.

In the past Mr. Moseley has enlightened us with Jesus’ opinions on a wide range of political topics, including but not limited to Obamacare, immigration reform, gay marriage, and the capital gains tax. He “has it on good authority” that Jesus founded the Northern Nazareth Chapter of the Tea Party 2000 years ago and agrees with 95% of its current political stances.  Moseley is apparently one of the very few in human history blessed with a direct conduit to the Almighty, much like Joan of Arc. However, unlike Joan who saw visions of Christ, Moseley receives his insider info on a Dick Tracy-style wrist communicator with a built-in magic decoder ring.

Thanks to Limbaugh, Moseley, and a horde of capitalistic ministries, Christians world-wide can rest easy with the tried and true “lip service on Sunday, unbridled greed and hateful rhetoric during the week” method of religious worship.

In fact, the Right Reverend Vince Snetterton Lewis, best-selling author of “Christianity for Fun and Profit” and leader of  Our Lady of  Laissez Faire Ministries in Tampa Florida, stated “Jesus, if he were alive today, probably would run a hedge fund or be the CEO of  a massive corporation. He was a strong proponent of wealth in all its forms. No way would he support all the safety nets for the poor we have in this country!” Lewis continued, “We plan on issuing our own proclamation, the ‘Dineros Maximus’ refuting all this Papal nonsense. Happily, it will be  just in time for the Christmas shopping season.”

Needless to say none of these cretins would recognize Jesus Christ if he were standing directly in front of them. One can only hope that if Jesus ever does return to earth he will fly into Sea Tac and limit his ministry to the Pacific Northwest. Otherwise he would be jailed and eventually be committed to an insane asylum.