Tag Archives: CIA

Jesus Vehemently Denies Torture Allegations

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jesusmachinegun

ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – After a meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican earlier today, Jesus paused to speak with reporters regarding recent torture allegations made by the American Family Association’s Director of Issues Analysis and borderline psychopath Bryan Fischer. Jesus flatly denied that he supported torture in way whatsoever.

jesuss

Jesus told reporters that although he was against torture, having been a victim of it himself, he fully supported “no-knock” warrants made legal by the Patriot Act

“I just want to make it clear that I do not support torture in any of its many forms,” said the Prince of Peace. “This is about the millionth time I’ve had to correct that idiot Fischer. I really don’t know why all you talking monkeys continue to listen to him.”

The controversy erupted earlier this week when Fischer defended the CIA’s use of torture, saying that liberals “would drag the Bible’s heroes before the courts at Nuremberg and charge them with crimes against humanity” and suggesting on his radio program that Jesus would support the use of torture in a time of war.

Fischer went on to rant that “Christianity is not a pacifist religion. The God that we serve is described in Exodus 15 as a ‘man of war.’ Now we often think of gentle Jesus, meek and mild, but let’s not forget, according to Romans 19:13, when he comes back … he will be riding a white horse and wearing his own robe, dipped in blood. That is a robe that is worn by a warrior who is inflicting casualties on the foe. So this is gentle Jesus, meek and mild; when we comes back, his robe is going to be dipped in blood because he too is a warrior.”

jesus riding dinosaur2.widea

Jesus said that Fischer was also wrong about “the whole white horse thing” as he had long since traded the horse in for a Messiahraptor

Jesus seemed surprised that in this day and age anyone would listen to someone who has such a tenuous grip on reality.

“What is it about ‘turn the other cheek’ that this bigoted imbecile does not understand? Anyone who actually believes the tripe coming out of Fischer’s mouth needs to have his head examined,” said the Lord of Light. “This guy is literally brimming with hatred for just about anyone except straight white males over the age of 65. Frankly, I’m surprised that the son of a bitch has not been committed.”

Jesus was in Rome attending meetings with Pope Francis and a group of architects reviewing Heavenly expansion plans after Francis reduced entry requirements, allowing millions of pets to gain access to the Pearly Gates.

 

CIA Whistleblower Confirms That Santa Claus Is White

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by

santaintruck

LONDON-At an early morning press conference held at The Guadian’s London headquarters, spokesman Lord John Wharfin announced that the paper had obtained incontrovertible evidence that Santa Claus is in fact a Caucasian.

Lord Wharfin displayed a series of grainy long-range surveillance photographs along with a statement from a mole within the C.I.A. The photos revealed a bearded man in a red suit backing a rental truck up to the dock of a C.I.A. “black site” somewhere in the Balkans. “As you can plainly see from this photograph, Santa is undoubtedly a white man,” Wharfin said.

The series of photos showed Santa leaning out of the truck with a cigarette dangling from his mouth using the driver’s side mirror to line up the rear of the truck with the loading bay. Wharfin continued, “We can also deduce that Santa smokes Camels and the burst blood vessels around the nose and cheeks indicate that he is a heavy drinker.”

An unnamed informant told The Guardian that Santa was delivering a vintage “Brazen Bull” from Sicily, once used by Phalaris, tyrant of Akragas, to execute unruly citizens. The C.I.A. had placed the Bull at the top of its Christmas list this year. Santa apparently obtained the Bull from a surplus store in Palermo.

The “Brazen Bull” has been a tried and true torture and execution device for millenia. It is a hollow bull cast from bronze or gold into which the condemned are placed while a fire is set under it. As the bull heats up, the unfortunates inside slowly roast to death. All in all it can be a rather unpleasant experience.

Traditionally, brazen bulls have been equipped with devices on the snout which convert the screams of the damned into beautiful music. However, the C.I.A. model has been modified to produce confessions and information that the intelligence community wants to hear, regardless of its veracity.

A "Brazen Bull" from Phalaris' first production run circa 550 BC

A “Brazen Bull” from Phalaris’ first production run circa 550 BC

In a written statement read aloud by Lord Wharfin the mysterious whistleblower said, “For some time now the Agency has been casting about for a replacement for waterboarding and long-term sleep deprivation. We have just had too much bad press on those two methods of torture. The drone program is cool, but it’s damn near impossible to interrogate anyone after they and their families have been blown to bits by high explosive. The ‘Bull’ offers us a viable alternative, and who knows, maybe later we can sell a few knock-offs to the FBI or DEA for domestic use.”

Lord Wharfin closed the press conference by saying that The Guardian did not in any way support the torture of any individuals under any circumstances. The disclosure regarding the “Brazen Bull” was merely a by-product of its efforts to determine the racial background of a mythical character purported to visit millions of homes on Jesus’ birthday.

Rand Paul Assaults National Intelligence Director James Clapper

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Tea Party favorite Senator Rand Paul (R-Ky) appeared on CNN’s “The Infatuation Room” with Wolf Blitzer last night where he accused Director of National Intelligence James Clapper of lying to Congress and the American people.

Senator Paul, a confirmed plagiarist, told Blitzer that Clapper should resign for “lying” to a Senate committee in March. “He (Clapper) said that the NSA was not collecting any data on U.S. citizens.”

Paul continued, “When you’re doing this and when you have the ability to destroy people’s lives – you have the ability to actually kill people overseas – I would think that you really have to have the utmost trust. And I think he’s lost our trust by lying to us.”

Paul, who has been called “foul tempered” by some, became more and more agitated as the interview continued. “Look Wolf, lying to the American people, destroying people’s lives, killing innocent civilians overseas, hell, that’s Congress’s job, and I’m not letting some two-bit pompous ass bureaucrat move in on our turf! The American people simply won’t stand for it!”

Paul, who appeared to be hyperventilating, then excused himself from the interview. Upon returning to the “Green Room” to retrieve his belongings, he apparently found Clapper and an aide rifling his briefcase and planting a bug in his overcoat.

According to witnesses, Paul went berserk and repeatedly pistol-whipped  Clapper  about the head and neck with a pearl-handled revolver, a gift from the Lexington Chapter of the Sons of the Confederacy.

Clapper was taken to Bethesda Naval Hospital where he is recovering from his injuries. Although obviously unable to comment personally, Clapper’s office released the following statement:

“We sincerely regret the unfortunate incident at CNN’s Washington Bureau last night. Director Clapper bears no ill will toward Senator Paul, or any other politician, for that matter. Our job as policeman of the world is to protect and serve the American people, as long as they behave in a manner that we see fit. We hope that this regrettable event does not in any way impede the implementation of our new multiple-agency security program set to launch next spring.”

The program referred to in the statement is code-named “STASI”, and is a joint effort of the NSA, CIA, and FBI. It features, among other things, fully armed Predator drones patrolling the airspace over all 50 states. The “General Lee,” the first fully armed domestic drone, is set to start flight tests along the Texas-Mexico border in January. It will be equipped with NSA listening devices, long-range cameras with infrared capability, and of course two AGM-114 Hellfire air-to-ground missiles.

Director Clapper has sincerely promised both Congress and the American people that the Predators would never in any circumstance be used on “law-abiding American citizens.”

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