Tag Archives: civil rights

‘Extinct’ Species Spotted At Dallas Pool Party

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The gigantic beast roamed through the crowd of teenagers unmolested as arriving cops concentrated instead on violating the black kids’ civil rights, as is their habit.

 

DALLAS – (CT&P) – A call to police about a giant creature lumbering through a party at a community pool thrust the affluent suburb of McKinney into the national spotlight on race, police relations, and paleobiology on Sunday.

Police Cpl. Eric Casebolt was placed on administrative leave after a video surfaced showing him pulling a 15-year-old girl to the ground and pinning her down outside a pool party Friday night in the expansive Craig Ranch subdivision. Seconds later, he pulled his gun and pointed it at two teens who appear to try to come to her aid.

The profanity-laced seven-minute video, posted to YouTube on Saturday, had been viewed more than 4 million times by Monday. It shows white police officers trying to control black teens who had scattered as officers arrived in the neighborhood.

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The horrifying creature was even allowed to start a mating ritual with one teenager by rubbing his scrotum against the back of her head.

Cops were originally called to the area when neighborhood watch members saw what they described as “a lumbering behemoth” moving among teens attending a Sunday afternoon party.

“The kids were terrified,” said Ralph Numbnuts, resident and community leader of Flat Earth Estates, where the incident took place. “We considered breaking out our RPG’s, flamethrowers, and automatic weapons, but we decided to leave it to the cops because we thought they might be able to stun the beast and take it alive. So we used our public address system to warn folks that the police were on their way so that everyone could put up their dogs and keep them out of danger.

“But to our amazement when the swine arrived on the scene they virtually ignored the enormous monster and instead went after every black kid in sight. It was like showing red to an angry bull!”

Numbnuts told reporters later that he had read a study on the internet that something in cops’ DNA caused them to lose all higher brain function when confronted with dogs or black people, and became murderous automatons incapable of human emotion.

“But I thought it was all bullshit,” said Numbnuts. “Now I know better.”

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The Megatherium was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene, and unconfirmed reports of gigantic fat-ass creatures lumbering through Walmart and Dollar Stores around the country have up until now thought to be baseless rumors.

Eventually over ten police units were called to the scene in an attempt to violate the civil rights of every black teenager in the area, but even with that many cops around, the colossus was able to escape and his whereabouts are unknown.

Paleontologists have been able to identify the huge creature as a Megatherium, or giant ground sloth.

“It was a giant, fat-ass sloth the size of a fucking elephant that was thought to go extinct at the end of the Pleistocene,” said David Grimaldi of Cornell. “It’s flat-out amazing that one is now wandering around the suburbs of a major city. I just can’t believe it.”

McKinney Mayor Brian Loughmiller said that he expects city staff and police officials to quickly conduct an investigation into the officer’s actions.

“I am disturbed and concerned by the incident and actions depicted in the video,” Loughmiller said in a written statement. “Our expectation as a City Council is that our police department and other departments will act professionally and with appropriate restraint relative to the situation they are faced with. For these idiots to completely ignore a gigantic fat-ass monster and instead go after young people in bathing suits is really deplorable.”

McKinney Police Chief Greg Conley, who declined to say what specific behavior in the video led to the investigation, said Sunday that several officers were immediately placed on leave.

 

 

O’Reilly Says Slager Video A Clever Hoax: “I Was There” He Claims

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Last night on The O’Reilly Factor, Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly claimed that the video purporting to show North Charleston police officer Michael Slager gunning down an unarmed black man was a “clever forgery” created by the “liberal media” in cooperation with the Obama White House. “I know because I was there,” said O’Reilly.

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Slager has been described by Chief Driggers as a dedicated and idealistic young cop active in several civic organizations such the KKK and the American Nazi Party. Friends say he spends his spare time playing golf, crushing black infants, and waterboarding illegal Mexican farm workers

The video in question clearly shows Slager firing eight shots at an unarmed and fleeing black man who was later identified as 50-year-old Walter Scott. The video also shows Scott going down after the final shot, Slager approaching him, cuffing his hands behind his back, and later throwing an object down next to the mortally wounded man.

“I watched the entire event from behind a nearby oak tree,” said O’Reilly, “and it just did not happen the way it is depicted in the video.”

“Officer Slager was totally in the right on this shooting. The black man was listening to rap music, ignoring the officer’s commands, and acting disrespectful. Then he turned around and charged the officer, giving Slager no option but to pop him with his nine. I think this is all an attempt by the Obama Justice Department to paint all white cops as bigoted power-mad assholes, just like the liberal media is doing to me. It’s a conspiracy of the highest order.”

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O’Reilly told viewers that Slager showed great concern for the condition of the “giant black attacker” and even checked the man’s pulse after calling his wife and asking what was for dinner.

O’Reilly’s account of the incident has been called into question because his housekeeper, cook, butler, and 16-year-old Asian sex slave all told reporters for the New York Times that O’Reilly was staring at himself in the mirror at the time of the shooting, as he does most of the time he is not on the air.

O’Reilly dismissed his employees’ accounts of his whereabouts as being part of a “liberal smear campaign” designed to discredit him. He then threatened to kill them if they said anything else.

Meanwhile, Slager has been charged with murder and the South Carolina Law Enforcement Division has launched an investigation of the shooting. Normally called in to cover up crimes committed by white officers against minority citizens, SLED is being supervised this time by the FBI and other federal agencies.

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North Charleston Mayor Keith Summey heard about the shooting while he was cooking his usual lunch of two dozen sausage patties out behind his office.

Mayor Keith Summey and Police Chief Eddie Driggers of North Charleston held a news conference to tell the public that a “full and thorough investigation would be conducted as the result of Slager’s “bad decision.”

“The first thing we need to get to the bottom of is just why it took eight shots to bring down that nigger,” said Summey. “I’m gonna work closely with the Eddie here to reexamine our firearms training program and correct that problem as soon as possible.

“Also, we need to make sure that all our officers understand that when you decide to murder a citizen in cold blood, you need to make damn sure some smart ass ain’t filming it. If there is, the correct procedure is to gun down the photographer and destroy the evidence. That’s just common sense.”

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Mayor Summey and Chief Driggers promised a full investigation as soon as their cardiac physicians told them it was OK to go back to work

Slager is currently being held without bond in North Charleston, but he is reported to be working with Fox News and several talk radio personalities to try to turn the tide of public opinion so he can get bail and repair the damage done by the “fabricated” video.

Slager backs up O’Reilly’s version of the story, calling him a “true American hero” and “the greatest broadcaster of all time.”

“Thank God for Fox News and Bill O’Reilly,” he said. “Without them, America would be in smouldering ruins and the rule of law would be a thing of the past.”

 

GOP Continues Minority Outreach Program By Sending Some White Guy To Selma

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Members Of The Cast From Movie Selma March Over Edmund Pettus Bridge

SELMA, ALABAMA – (CT&P) – Republican leaders continued their efforts to appear human and recruit minorities into the party by sending a white dude down to the 50th Anniversary celebration of the Selma to Montgomery march this weekend. The last-minute decision to send a representative “shows just how committed the Republican Party is to the civil rights of all Americans,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).

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Speaker Boehner told reporters that the GOP leadership hesitated to send anyone important because they did not want to irritate their racist base, who still pines for the “good ole days.”

“It was tough call,” said Boehner, who spoke to reporters this afternoon from the 19th Hole Grub ‘n Pub at beautiful Trump National Golf Course.

“We want to appear as progressive as we can to delusional black and Hispanic voters so we can grab a few extra votes here and there, but we sure as hell don’t want to upset our bigoted backwoods base. So we finally decided to send Kevin down there to have his photo taken at that damn bridge so we could say we were represented at the event. We felt like it was a good compromise since almost no one would know who the fuck he was.”

Meanwhile, tens of thousands of decent people joined to commemorate the “Bloody Sunday” march of 1965 and take stock of the struggle for equality.

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No one was able to identify the Republican dude who traveled to Selma but Boehner told journalists that he is well-known by several dozen white folks in D.C.

In the crowd stood Madeline McCloud of Gainesville, Florida, who traveled overnight with a group of NAACP members from central Florida and marched in Georgia for civil rights back in the day. “For me this could be the end of the journey since I’m 72,” she said. “I’m stepping back into the history we made.” Also in attendance was Peggy Wallace Kennedy, a daughter of the late George Wallace, the Alabama governor who once vowed “segregation forever.”

Selma’s fire department estimated the crowd reached 40,000. Former President George W. Bush  was able to share the platform because he has no intention to run for office again. Other Republican congressional leaders were mostly absent but one, whom no one could identify, joined the walk.

The walk progressed under the bold letters on an arch, identifying the bridge named after Edmund Pettus, a Confederate general, senator and highly respected Ku Klux Klan leader.

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The GOP representative, later identified as Kevin McCarthy, had to leave the proceedings early to attend a fundraiser for Ferguson cops and their families

 

President Obama attended the event and made a moving speech that was later ridiculed by the cretins on Fox News.

Although no one at the event was ever able to determine who the lone Republican congressman was, the AP later identified him as House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy.

McCarthy was seen leaving the Jubilee early in order to catch a flight to St. Louis, Missouri, where Ted Nugent was hosting a party and fundraiser for members of the Ferguson police force, who are widely believed to soon be in the unemployment line.

Cops To Give Up Dash Cams For Lent

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NEW YORK (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning Joey “The Plumber” Giuliani, president of the New York City Chapter of the Fraternal Order of Police, told reporters that the NYPD will be giving up dash cams for Lent. Joey is the cousin of former mayor and current bigot Rudolph Giuliani.

Dash cams are used by many jurisdictions across the United States and have been installed on tens of thousands of police cruisers. The cams record stops made by patrolmen and the videos are used in court, for training, to guard against insurance fraud in the case of accidents, and to record criminal acts committed by suspects that have been pulled over.

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Dash cams have proved invaluable for training white cops how to intimidate and brutalize innocent civilians living in minority neighborhoods

The system has been so useful that President Obama and others have suggested that cops all over the United States be fitted with mandatory body cams to record every minute of their shift.

Lately however, there has been a succession of incidents in which the cams have recorded cops beating the shit out of or even shooting unarmed civilians during traffic stops and altercations. Many of the videos have been offered as proof of police brutality.

Giuliani lamented the “misuse” of the videos and told reporters that by giving up the cams for Lent the department would be doing the taxpayers of New York a big favor.

“Let’s face it,” said Giuliani, “these cams are a very large pain in our ass. Do you know how much it costs to prosecute a cop these days? It’s a long and expensive process, and we view it as unjust. Cops are just out there trying to enforce the law, and naturally we sometimes have to get a little rough with a suspect, but let me tell you, they all deserve to get what’s coming to them.”

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This video has been used extensively across the country to show young recruits the proper technique when firing into a vehicle full of unarmed teenagers

Giuliani got his start in the NYPD in the mid nineties after his cousin Rudy won the mayoral election and gave him a job. He became famous for his “enhanced interrogation techniques” which included the use of a plunger on the nether regions of suspects. Joey called it “my little helper.” He had a confession success rate of over 90% during his time as an active officer.

“We just want to give back to the community that we were hired to protect by preventing frivolous lawsuits and losing valuable officers to extended prison terms,” said Giuliani. “It costs the public a lot of money to train these brave, idealistic men and women.”

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Unfortunately the usefulness of the dash cam has been called into question lately as videos have fallen into the “wrong hands” and cops have been seen on television beating the fuck out of innocent civilians

Giuliani ended the press conference by telling the assembled reporters that he hoped that the sacrifice made by the NYPD would catch on and departments all over the country would either disconnect or turn off their dash cams during the period leading up to Easter.

Giuliani has enlisted the support of the Benevolent Brotherhood of Bent Cops, the International Association of Bloodstain Pattern Analysts, the Prejudiced Prosecutors League, and the Bribable Judges Union in the effort.

“Lent has traditionally been a sacred period of prayer and self-denial,” said Giuliani, “and we advise minorities, homosexuals, and casual drug users all across this great country of ours to pray while we exercise our right of self-denial.”

Police departments across the country have applauded Giuliani’s actions and most intend on following New York’s example, except in some jurisdictions such as Ferguson, Missouri where cops would not be caught dead with a dash cam in their cruiser in the first place.

 

 

 

 

 

Madison Alabama Cops To Investigate Madison Alabama Cops

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HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Captain John “Billy Club” Stringer of the Madison, Alabama Police Department announced that there would be a “thorough investigation” of an incident last week that left a 57 year old grandfather in hospital with temporary paralysis. The granddad was visiting his family from India.

“He was just walking on the sidewalk as he does all the time,” said his son, Chirag Patel, this morning. “They put him to the ground, even though no crime had been committed. The officers later told me that they suspected him of ‘walking while brown in a predominately white neighborhood.'”

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Captain Stringer promised a thorough and unbiased secret internal investigation of the cops he has worked side-by-side with for years. “No way they should have let that towel head survive to testify,” said Stringer.

Walking while brown can get you into a lot of trouble in Madison and other Alabama towns, especially when the perpetrator is a damn foreigner or, God forbid, gay.

Captain Stringer made it clear that the cops would get to the bottom of their fellow cops’ actions as soon as possible.

“We want this investigation to be totally fair and transparent,” said Captain Stringer. “We are here to protect and serve the white population of Madison and we certainly don’t want to do anything to betray the trust we have built up with our white residents, so the public can rest assured that we will spend a great deal of time pretending to do the right thing.”

Stringer said that the names of the officers involved in the brutal and unnecessary treatment would be kept secret, as will all details of the investigation.

“We don’t need a bunch of dumb ass civilians poking around in police business,” said Stringer, “and we really don’t give a fuck what they think anyway. I think the main thing here is to determine just how this subhuman brown-skinned foreigner managed to get out of this thing alive. We may need to lower our threshold when it comes to the use of deadly force.”

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Cops in Alabama have a long history of treating everyone fairly, as long as the suspects are not black, brown, yellow, Hispanic, hippies, liberals, atheists, or homosexuals.

Chirag Patel, the son of the victim, an engineer for one of the many government contractors in Huntsville, said he had just bought a one-way ticket for his father, bringing him from the small Indian town of Pij to his new home in fast-growing suburbs of Madison.

“I wanted Dad to see first hand what a great and progressive state Alabama actually is,” said Patel. “Unfortunately things just did not work out that way.”

Mr. Patel told the Huntsville Times that the family is packing up and plans to “get the fuck out of here” as soon as possible.

“I think we will be returning to India as soon as possible,” said Patel. “At least over there we don’t pretend to offer every citizen equal rights. Over there everyone knows exactly where he stands.”

St Louis County Prosecutor Robert McCulloch To Be Promoted

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ST LOUIS, MISSOURI (CT&P) – Frank Ancona, president of the Missouri chapter of the Traditionalist Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, based in Park Hills, Missouri, has announced that St Louis County Prosecutor Robert McCulloch will be promoted to the level of “Grand Imperial Anus” of the KKK at a gala pageant over the Christmas holidays.

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Ogre and pompous ass Robert McCulloch has for many years aspired to be a giant asshole and was overcome with emotion when he was told he would soon hold the title of Grand Imperial Anus

Ancona, who made headlines recently by threatening “lethal force” against Ferguson protestors, told Chris Hayes of MSNBC that the group was “proud beyond words” of McCulloch’s handling of the grand jury in the Darren Wilson case.

Wilson, who gunned down unarmed black teenager Michael Brown on a street corner in Ferguson earlier this year, was not charged with a damn thing for his reckless actions.

“We need more guys like Bob in local and state government,” said Ancona. “He really knows how to treat these mongrels that pollute our country with their thuggish music and filthy black skin. I’m proud to call him a member of our group and I think that he will handle the added responsibility of being a giant anus like real pro.”

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Murderous cop Darren Wilson will be awarded the “James Earl Ray Proficiency in Firearms Award” despite the fact that he had to empty an entire clip into Brown in order to bring him down

Ancona also mentioned that Darren Wilson, a longtime member of the organization, will be receiving the James Earl Ray Award for Proficiency in the Use of Firearms, even though it took around a dozen rounds to “bring down that giant nigger.”

Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson and the entire overwhelmingly white police force are also slated to be honored at the banquet.

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The gala awards banquet will be held in the Missouri countryside and everyone is invited as long as you are not a nigger, Jew, fag, or gypsy

“We wanted to honor Chief Jackson and his boys for the brutal way in which they dealt with the protests after the ‘turkey shoot,'” said Ancona.

“This whole episode shows what a town and county can accomplish when a white police chief, a white police force, a white prosecutor, and a white governor can get together to protect a white police officer when he murders an unarmed black teenager in broad daylight. It really reinforces the great pride I have in this wonderful country in which we live.”

 

 

Missouri Passes Strict Anti-Abortion Legislation; Rejects Similar Law Protecting Unarmed Black Teens

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Missouri lawmakers enacted one of the nation’s most stringent abortion waiting periods Wednesday, overriding a veto of legislation that will require women to wait 72 hours after consulting with a doctor before ending a pregnancy.

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Missouri lawmakers have always had the utmost respect for zygotes, but that respect dwindles after the child is born, particularly if it turns out to be black, a Democrat, or God forbid both.

The vote by Missouri’s Republican-led Legislature overrules the veto of Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon, who had denounced the measure as “extreme and disrespectful” toward women because it contains no exception for cases of rape or incest.

About half of the states, including Missouri, already have abortion waiting periods of 24 hours.

Missouri’s new law will be the second most-stringent behind South Dakota, where its 72-hour wait can sometimes extend even longer because weekends and holidays are not counted. Utah is the only other state with a 72-hour delay, but it grants exceptions for rape, incest and other circumstances.

Missouri lawmakers specifically rejected an amendment earlier this year that would have granted exceptions for rape and incest. Abortion opponents argued that it would have diminished the value of some lives depending on how they were conceived.

The state legislature is of course 75% white male.

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Legislators pointed out that Missouri cops feel threatened by unarmed black males, who might hurt them in some way

Legislators also rejected an amendment to the law that would have called for a “five-minute cooling off period” before cops gunned down unarmed black teenagers on Missouri’s city streets. Lawmakers expressed concern that the amendment would sow confusion among “them negras,” and create an atmosphere of disrespect in cities where all white police forces lorded over majority black neighborhoods.

“We just can’t take away an officer’s right to choose,” said Jeffrey Jingo, a state senator from Bigot Bluffs. “If we let young black males freely roam our streets without showing them who’s boss, then all hell could break loose. I mean, you saw what happened in Ferguson, right? The last thing we need is all them colored folks thinking they enjoy the same civil rights as respectable members of our community.”

Planned Parenthood, which operates Missouri’s only licensed abortion clinic in St. Louis, has not said whether it will challenge the 72-hour waiting period in court. But the organization has said its patients travel an average of nearly 100 miles for an abortion, and an extra delay could force them to either make two trips or spend additional money on hotels.

Missouri’s new waiting period law will take effect 30 days after the veto-override vote.

 

Deranged Chattanooga Minister Advocates Raising The Price Of A New Wife To 300 Foreskins

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Pastor Robby “The Cretin” Gallaty of Brainerd Baptist Church in Chattanooga, Tennesse dedicated his hour-long sermon on Sunday to explaining why Christians should feel free to discriminate against gays.

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Gallaty is still in mourning the passing of Pastor Fred “Beelzebub” Phelps, his hero and mentor, who is currently roasting in hell while being sodomized with a chain saw

Gallaty told his all white intellectually underpowered congregation that being gay is an offense to God.

“God said that the sins of the people [of Sodom and Gomorrah] had infected the very land in which they lived,” Gallaty said. “So what happens to the people who engage in this activity, this sexual immoral activity? Go to Leviticus 20, God gives us the punishment for engaging in these sins … ‘If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have both committed a detestable thing. They must be put to death. And their blood is on their own hands.”

Homosexuality, Gallaty claimed, is an “attack on the family and marriage, and we need to put an end to this madness once and for all by executing those caught indulging in sexual acts that I don’t approve of!”

This is not the first time Gallaty has lost his fucking mind while in the pulpit. The theme of last week’s sermon was the artificially low price paid for wives in America.

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Gallaty thinks that after remaining fixed for 2000 years the going price of a new bride should be raised to at least 300 foreskins

“The price of a new wife has been the same for over 2000 years!” screamed Gallaty to his incredulous flock. “Does anyone think that a hundred foreskins is a fair price to pay any proud papa? Why even David paid Saul twice the going rate. Please turn to 1 Samuel 18:27 in your Bible and read with me…”

“Wherefore David arose and went … and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”
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Many in Gallaty’s congregation starting having doubts about his sanity when he erected this monument on the church grounds in 2007

“Now I propose that we raise the price of a bride to at least 300 hundred foreskins in order to index for inflation, I think it will boost the economy and encourage men to take better care of their wives,” said Gallaty, as drool and mucous dripped from his face. “But I’m willing to be reasonable about all this,” continued Gallaty, “I think God would be OK with partially substituting atheist and liberal foreskins since Philistines are so damn hard to track down in this day and age.”

Many pundits believe that the cause of Gallaty’s psychological problems is a deep sexual insecurity combined with his strict interpretation of the Bible.
“Gallaty seems to think that everything in that book is true and all the weird rules in it have to be followed to the letter,” said Dr. John Bigboote of Yoyodyne Laboratories in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. “I mean who in their right mind thinks Noah built an ark and put two of every animal species in the damn thing? The whole fucking U.S. Navy couldn’t pull that off.”
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Many families are leaving Gallaty’s congregation and are flocking to nearby Viperpalian churches, which are considered more mainstream in Tennessee

Many in Gallaty’s congregation agree that he is mentally disturbed, or at the very least obsessed with male genitalia.

Three weeks ago five families withdrew from the church and joined a nearby snake handling church that offered a more reasonable interpretation of the Word of God.
Deacon Billy Bob McSneed, who led the mutiny, told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “We had just had enough of his weird shit. Week after week it’s scrotum this, penis that. There’s only so much genital talk that one can stand. Why, this spring the maniac preached a sermon from Deuteronomy where he said that God would not allow anyone into the Kingdom of Heaven with wounded or crushed testicles. Afterwords the freak wanted to inspect every male church member’s scrotum! We’ve had it!”
Attendance at Brainerd Baptist does not seem to be hurting however. For every family that leaves another comes to replace it. Dr. Bigboote attributed this phenomenon to a woeful lack of formal education in this country and particularly in eastern Tennessee. Bigboote remarked, “It’s just like P.T. Barnum said, ‘There’s a fool born every minute.'”

 

Ferguson Cops To Be Retrained In The Use Of Firearms

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Ferguson Police Chief Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson announced this morning that the entire Ferguson police force will be attending mandatory remedial firearms training classes this fall.

Chief Jackson spoke to reporters via video link  from an underground command and control bunker outside Ferguson.

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The retraining facility in Florida is located close to bars and restaurants where officers can relax and kick back after training sessions.

“Although we have not as yet had the time nor the inclination to interview Officer Wilson about the shooting involving that black guy Michael Brown, it appears that it took at least six shots to bring the bastard down, and that is just not acceptable,” said Jackson.

“Early autopsy reports clearly show that Darren is having a problem with his aim. We have high standards here in Ferguson, and we expect all of our officers to be able to bring down a black suspect with a maximum of three shots. Darren’s grouping in this case was entirely inadequate.”

“I’ve talked to the mayor and he has assured me that we can find the funds to send the entire force, except of course for our three black officers, to Panhandle Police Training, Inc., this fall,” said the Chief.

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During downtime, trainees at Panhandle are encouraged to participate in “team-building” activities

Panhandle Police is a training facility located deep in the swamps of northwest Florida. In addition to improving officer’s aim, it teaches the “Bashar al-Assad” method of crowd control, with the liberal use of automatic weapons, air strikes, and nerve agents. It is internationally renowned for its ability to retrain cops who have gone soft over the years or have lost “that killing edge.”

Although Florida seems like a long way to go to be retrained, Panhandle Police has the advantage of being located close to several white supremacist headquarters with restaurant, bar, and recreation facilities so that stressed-out officers can blow off steam after a hard day’s training. This allows cops from all over the country to return to their jurisdictions relaxed, refreshed, and ready to run roughshod over individual’s civil rights.

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Rumors abound that some of Panhandle’s trainers have checkered pasts. The rumors remain unsubstantiated however, because every journalist attempting to investigate them has mysteriously disappeared.

In addition to firearms training, Panhandle offers classes in abuse, corruption, and homogeneity.

“I don’t just want to improve our officer’s aim,” said Jackson. “I’ve asked Mayor Knowles for extra funds so that our brave white police officers can be taught not to be so timid around large unarmed minority crowds with embedded reporters and photographers from major news outlets. A few well placed sniper rounds or the use of a little mustard gas when those black folks first started getting uppity would have worked wonders for this community.”

“In the meantime, I have ordered the entire force to carry shotguns or fully automatic assault weapons and hand grenades in order to make up for our poor aim,” said Jackson. “We don’t want another embarrassing episode like we are currently facing with Darren, now do we?”

Reporters were initially invited to attend Chief Jackson’s briefing in the comfort of his nicely appointed and air-conditioned command and control bunker but were unable to get through the cordon of tanks and armored personnel carriers surrounding the entrance.

Ferguson Missouri’s First Annual Reenactment Of Tiananmen Square Massacre Proclaimed ‘Huge Success’ By Mayor And Local Law Enforcement Officials

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – At a press conference outside embattled Ferguson, Missouri this morning, local law enforcement officials praised the success of its first annual “Remember Tiananmen Square” festival and reenactment.

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Although Chief Jackson bemoaned the fact that he did not have an entire armored column at his disposal, he told reporters that he thought that “all them black folks get the point we are trying to make.”

The festivities, which kicked off over a week ago with the execution of an unarmed black teen by a white police officer, have exceeded all expectations, according to Ferguson Police Chief Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson.

“I just can’t tell you how delighted we are with the results, and we look forward to holding many more festivals in the future,” said Jackson.

The almost all white city council and police department got the idea for the festival from watching international reporting on “hot spots” around the world where oppressive regimes and terrorist thugs have been brutally abusing ethnic and religious groups.

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Ferguson businesses could not be happier. They are doing a booming business in “atrocity” play-sets for kids and have practically sold out of stylish Kevlar vests in an assortment of colors.

“We thought hey, what great way to remind the colored folks of Ferguson just who is in charge around here,” said Chief Jackson, “and since we had all this cool second-hand military equipment we should put it to good use instead of letting it lie around gathering dust.”

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Ferguson officials hope that next year’s The Killing Fields movie festival and Khmer Rouge theme park will be as great a success as this year’s celebration of civil rights.

“The idea of initiating the chaos with a good old racially motivated police shooting of an unarmed black dude really worked to perfection,” said Mayor James “There Is No Racial Divide In Ferguson” Knowles. “I have to give credit for that particular idea to Imperial Lizard Nathan Bedford Forrest IV, a long-time city council member. Brilliant idea Bedford!”

Future plans call for a new ‘atrocity exhibition’ in Ferguson each year. Ideas include a reenactment of the “killing fields” of Cambodia courtesy of the Khmer Rouge, a 12 act outdoor stage play of several of Stalin’s purges, a theme park dedicated to Mao’s Cultural Revolution, and possibly a month-long celebration of the Spanish Inquisition to coincide with the 2016 presidential election.

“We cannot stress enough how happy we are with all the national and international attention we’re getting,” said Mayor Knowles. “This event has really put our sleepy little hamlet on the map. I hope it encourages individuals and businesses from all over America to consider a move to the great state of Missouri, where ‘we all just get along!'”

As long as the homogeneous white male power structure is armed with tanks and machine guns, that is…