Tag Archives: clinton

Brick Top To Lead Clinton Poll Watching Team

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bricktop66

 

PITTSBURGH – (CT&P) – Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters this morning that Brick Top has been tapped to lead the campaign’s poll watching team on Tuesday.

“We’re pleased to announce that Brick Top has accepted the recently created position of poll watching Czar for the Clinton campaign,” said Mook.

“His duties will include overseeing the work of thousands of volunteers across the country tasked with making sure no Trumpkins try to interfere with or intimidate minority voters as they exercise their constitutional right to decide who they want to rule over them.”

Brick Top himself gave a brief statement at London’s Heathrow Airport as he hurried to board a flight to New York to meet with Clinton campaign officials over the weekend.

Asked by a reporter what he intended to do to any Trumpkins caught trying to interfere with the election, Brick Top replied, “Well, you’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.

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So far reporters have been unable to confirm rumors swirling around the Clinton campaign that a farm in western New York has been leased for the month of November.

“Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig.'”

When a reporter pointed out that what he was planning might not conform with current election laws in the United States, Brick Top told him, “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off!

“You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Brick Top is scheduled to arrive this evening at LaGuardia Airport where he will be met by longtime Clinton supporter Harvey “The Wolf” Keitel.

Reports that a Clinton aide has placed an order for five thousand baseball bats could not immediately be confirmed by sources close to the campaign.

 

 

 

Poll: Village Idiots Breaking For Trump

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villageidiot1

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – According to the latest Washington Post-ABC News Tracking Poll, village idiots across the United States are breaking for Donald Trump. Clinton and Trump are all but tied according to the poll, and pundits believe that this trend among undecided village idiots, morons, and imbeciles could very well determine the outcome of the election.

The tracking poll finds little shift in Clinton’s overall support following news of the FBI’s renewed look at Clinton emails, but strong enthusiasm among her supporters fell behind Trump in combined Saturday and Sunday interviews.

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Vince Snetterton-Lewis, a village idiot from Panama City, Florida, says he supports Trump because he’ll make him great again like before his accident.

By 53 to 43 percent, more Trump supporters, who tend to be poorly educated simpletons, say they are “very enthusiastic” about him, compared with Thursday and Friday when Trump’s edge was negligible (53 percent vs. 51 percent).

“Clinton backers are slipping behind in enthusiasm even though Democrats have an edge in early voting,” said Merideth Bullsmegma, who manages the poll for ABC News.

“This presents a clear opportunity for Trump, if somehow his supporters are able to find their respective polling places.”

Bullsmegma cited reports that many potential Trump voters are wandering aimlessly around cities and towns complaining that they can’t find where to vote because they have ‘pieces of brain lodged in their heads’.

“If the RNC can somehow get these schmucks to the polls, and convince them that the voting machines won’t hurt them, then Trump could pull off the upset,” said a nervous Bullsmegma.

“If that happens, then God help us all.”

Hillary Vows To Slash Deficit By Eliminating Executive Oversight Committees

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hillary5

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – At a rest area somewhere near Compost, Iowa this morning Hillary Clinton paused as she was exiting the men’s restroom to tell a group of near-rabid, obsessive-compulsive journalists that if elected she planned on banning executive oversight and investigative committees in both houses of Congress, along with the Office of the Special Prosecutor in D.C.

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When asked what would happen if the executive branch operated without any supervision Hillary responded, “What difference does it make?”

The Democrat candidate said that she would do this by executive order on her first day in office and the actions would be taken to reduce waste in government and save taxpayers’ money.

“I really don’t see the need for members of Congress to spend months going over the same old shit trying to dig up dirt on our president,” said Clinton. “The president has better things to do than worry about deleting emails, erasing tapes, and ‘disappearing’ key witnesses. Besides, the citizens of the United States elected these bozos to bring back subsidies for huge corporations, give tax breaks to the wealthiest members of our society, and get funding for bridges to nowhere so a few jobs can be created in their districts.”

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When queried on the subject of congressional oversight Hillary’s Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer Alphonso Redoya told reporters, “Oversight? We don’t need no stinking oversight!”

“I think that if members of Congress were to just concentrate on what the hell they were elected to do, we could reduce the number of days they are in session by about half and drastically cut their salaries and expenses. That would really help the federal government’s bottom line,” said Clinton.

When a reporter from the New York Times asked Clinton who would then provide oversight of the executive branch, an agitated Alphonso Bedoya, Clinton Campaign Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer, told him what he thought of executive oversight committees.

“Oversight? To god-damned hell with oversight! We have no oversight. In fact, we don’t need no oversight. I don’t have to show you any stinking oversight, you god-damned cabron and ching tu madre!”

Clinton then thanked the journalists, jumped in her van, and sped off too her next campaign fundraiser at Jim Bob’s Pork and Corn Barbecue Palace in Steaming Excrement Springs just outside Cedar Rapids.

Hillary Hires Brick Top As Campaign Manager

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bricktop66

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – The Times-Picayune has learned from sources close to the Clinton Campaign that Mrs. Clinton has appointed underworld figure and part-time diplomat Brick Top to run her 2016 presidential campaign. Brick Top is scheduled to arrive in New York from London sometime over the weekend for initial planning with Clinton’s campaign team.

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Brick Top is admired throughout the British Isles for his “no-nonsense” approach to problem-solving

“We’ve already drawn up a list of potential targets for Brick Top and his men,” said an aide to Clinton, on condition of anonymity. “We understand that he’s bringing about a dozen East End thugs over with him. Those guys really know how to get things done!”

Brick Top met briefly with reporters at Heathrow Airport before boarding his flight to the United States.

“I’m looking forward to working with Mrs. Clinton on her presidential campaign,” he said. “I’ve long been an admirer of the Clinton’s tactics, particularly their ability to make political opponents simply disappear or commit suicide. It reminds me of the good old days when I was running my hog farm outside London. Dead men don’t tell tales, is what I always say!”

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No one is quite sure of the exact number, but investigators estimate that over 200 of Brick Top’s business associates have been digested by his ungulates

When asked if he was concerned about Elizabeth Warren or Bernie Sanders siphoning off votes from Mrs. Clinton, Brick Top replied, “Do you know what “nemesis” means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt… me. I plan on having a little “sit down” with Mrs Warren and Mr. Sanders. I don’t think we’ll have to worry about them.”

“But they have already said that,” began a reporter for the Daily Mail, but Brick Top cut him off, saying, ” Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m talking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off.”

“I’m sorry sir,” said the trembling journalist.

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Aides say that Mrs. Clinton made the decision to hire Brick Top because she “no longer had time to deal with a bunch of fucking idiots.”

“Now, as I was saying, as for that group of unhinged lunatics running on the Republican side, well, I’ve got a nasty little surprise I’m going to plant underneath their clown car. Anyone who thinks Iran is problem has not met me,” he chuckled.

When a reporter for the Daily Mirror asked Brick Top if he thought he could make the adjustment to American politics, he ended the press conference by saying, ” You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigree chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Then he turned, boarded his flight, and took off for the States.

When we asked the anonymous source just how much Clinton planned on paying Brick Top for his services, the source replied, “Whatever the fuck he wants.”