Tag Archives: colorado

Johnson Breaks Pledge, Gets High As A Kite Before Interview

Posted in politics by

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Former New Mexico governor, Libertarian Party presidential nominee, and dedicated stoner Gary Johnson broke his pledge today not to smoke pot before the election in November.

Johnson appeared to be totally baked on Morning Joe this morning when he was interviewed by Mike Barnacle, a frequent guest on the show.

Barnacle was quizzing Johnson on the situation in the Middle East when he asked what the candidate would do about Aleppo.

“About who?” asked Johnson from behind a pair of dark sunglasses.

“Aleppo,” replied Barnacle.

“What’s Aleppo dude?”

“You’re kidding.”

“No.” said Johnson. “What the fuck are you talking about Mike?”

As Barnacle was shaking his head in disbelief, Johnson stared off in the distance and appeared to be deep in thought. Then a light bulb seemed to go on in his head, and he broke out in a huge smile.

“Ohhhh, I’m with you now Mike. Sorry, I’m a little buzzed. Yeah, I have an Aleppo. I used it this morning to fire up my bong.”

When Barnacle explained that he was talking about a city in Syria and not a lighter, Johnson turned serious and told him that although he had no idea what was going on in Aleppo he thought Syria was “one hot mess.”

“I don’t see why those folks can’t just sit down, chill out, and love one another,” said Johnson as he furiously scratched the top of his head.

Barnacle ended the interview after Johnson asked for some potato chips and dip for the third time in as many minutes.

Breaking his pledge could be a serious blow to Mr. Johnson’s campaign, just as he is making a final push to improve his standing in the polls. His support needs to reach 15 percent in a series of major national polls to be included in the presidential debates.

On Twitter the question “What is Aleppo?” is trending, with many critics arguing that Mr. Johnson has disqualified himself from the presidency. However, the RNC has already approached Johnson about running for governor in Colorado.

GOP Candidate Warns Of ‘Homosexual Reign Of Terror’

Posted in humor, politics, religion by

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) –  Gordon Klingenschmitt, a Republican nominee for the Colorado state house, sent out an e-mail alert over the weekend that stated that Rep. Jared Polis (D-CO) wanted to execute Christians, reported Right Wing Watch.

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The photogenic Klingenschmidt was featured on the cover of the children’s book “How To Recognize Pedophiles From A Distance”

The alert warned Coloradans and all U.S. citizens that Polis and his pals in the “international homosexual cabal” represented a “clear and present danger” to our representative republic and to Christians all over the globe.

“The openly homosexual Congressman Jared Polis (D-CO) introduced a revised bill to force Christian employers and business owners to hire and promote homosexuals with ZERO RELIGIOUS EXEMPTIONS for Christians who want to opt out.”

Heath Campbell who gave his children Nazi-inspired names including Adolf Hitler lost custody after a state appeals court ruled that a history of domestic violence puts the children at risk of abuse and neglect.

Klingenshmitt is the eldest son of Joseph and Magda Klingenschmitt of Munich, as seen here in this colorized photo from their wedding album

“Polis ‘wants sexual orientation and gender identity treated the same way as race, religion, sex, and national origin, when it comes to employment protections,’ claims the Advocate, under the headline ‘Polis trims ENDA’s religious exemption.’”

“The open persecution of Christians is underway. Democrats like Polis want to bankrupt Christians who refuse to worship and endorse his sodomy. Next he’ll join ISIS in beheading Christians, but not just in Syria, right here in America,” the email said.

Because he was unwilling to face journalists and actually answer embarrassing questions about the email, Klingenschmitt released a five-hour video that explained his theory concerning the worldwide gay conspiracy to execute anyone who does not approve of sodomy.

The video went into great detail about how a shadowy group of male stylists, interior designers, and producers of Broadway musicals got together after the faked lunar landings in the late 60’s and early 70’s and laid out a long-range strategy for world domination.

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In his spare time Klingenschmitt entertains children at birthday parties held in the crawlspace under his home

In the video Klingenschmitt explains that now that it is legal for openly gay individuals to hold office, phase one of the heinous conspiracy is complete.

“Phase two of the their nefarious plan calls for a ‘Reign of Terror’ on Christians that would make Robespierre’s efforts look like child’s play,” said Klingenschmitt. “It is only a matter of time before we see the faithful’s heads on pikes up and down main street America!”

The video did not explain how a nation in which 77% of the population considers itself Christian will be overwhelmed and terrorized by the less than 2% of the population that is openly gay, but Klingenschmitt said it would be similar to the atheists’ successful obliteration of the once popular Christmas holiday we all remember.

Republican and Democratic leaders in Colorado, along with anyone else who has an IQ over 55 denounced Klingenschmitt’s email and his video, which was distributed less than a week after Islamic State jihadists released a film that showed the beheading of kidnapped U.S. journalist James Foley.