Tag Archives: creationism

Xenomorphs For Jesus Organization Files Libel Suit Against Ken Ham

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Claiming that Jesus came to LV-426 at least two decades before he visited earth, Frederick “Freddie the Face-Hugger” Falcone, president of the popular Xenomorphs For Jesus religious organization, told reporters that they planned on “suing the crap out of that dullard Ken Ham for his blasphemous article” on the Answers In Genesis website.

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President of Xenomorphs For Jesus “Freddie the Facehugger” Falcone appeared more than a little pissed off about the article Ken Ham published on Sunday

In the article which ran Sunday, creationist Ken Ham said that the U.S. space program is a waste of money because any alien life that scientists found would be damned to hell.

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life,” said the unhinged Ham.

Ham argued that “secularists are desperate to find life in outer space” as a part of their “rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution.”

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Falcone told reporters that Jesus was “patching up injured xenomorphs” twenty years before he began his ministry to the dinosaurs in Palestine

“Life did not evolve but was specially created by God, as Genesis clearly teaches. Christians certainly shouldn’t expect alien life to be cropping up across the universe,” he continued. “Now the Bible doesn’t say whether there is or is not animal or plant life in outer space. I certainly suspect not.”

But regardless of whether there was life in outer space, Ham asserted that it could not be truly “intelligent.”

“You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation,” he explained. “Jesus did not become the ‘GodKlingon’ or the ‘GodMartian’! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the ‘Godman’ as our Savior.”

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Falcone also told reporters that “Ham is one ugly son of a bitch, even for a human. He’d look a lot better with an infant attached to his face.”

“What  a load of horseshit!,” said Falcone, in response to Ham’s article. “This guy talks out of his ass all the time and some of you idiot humans are actually gullible enough to believe him. No wonder so many alien species view you guys as a bunch of hicks who only yesterday climbed down out of the trees.”

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Falcone spoke to reporters from Our Lady of the Dripping Saliva Christian Bookstore on LV-426

“How the hell could a guy with the IQ of a turnip make any assertions regarding intelligent life on other planets? And another thing, this dude should be limited to radio frequencies. I’ve seen better looking beings living in the swamps on Planet 10! I mean, what’s with that fucking beard?”

“What the hell is he mumbling about ‘GodKlingon, GodMartian, Godman? Has Kentucky issued this lunatic a driver’s license? God help the bastards that have to share the road with this moron.”

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Dr. Robert “Ugly Motherfucker” Bates, an orthodontist and founder of The Fellowship of Christian Predators, told Reuters that they also were preparing a lawsuit against Ham. “Jesus visited our home world over a century before he ever made to your wimpy-ass Milky Way Galaxy,” said Wilson.

“This village idiot Ham should realize that every fucking sentient being in the universe knows about evolution. Only a dumb ass would deny its existence,” said Falcone.

Falcone went on to tell reporters that Jesus had indeed visited LV-426 and had many followers there.

“At first we just thought, ‘Hey, what is that dude doing walking across that lake of liquid methane? Is he on dope or something?’ But then we started to take notice when it became apparent that he could breathe pure nitrogen and started turning rocks into edible protein paste for wedding parties.”

“But the clincher was when Our Lord survived having his chest busted by one of our infants after being cocooned for three days. I mean, he just popped up healthy as a horse! After that he began to get quite a following here, and is still quite popular today. There are more Christian churches on LV-426 than temples dedicated to Cthulhu, for example.”

When reached for comment, SETI spokesman Dr. Frank Black said “Ken Ham is an example of what happens to a dude when he loses his virginity at age 34 with an aboriginal prostitute. He’s a frustrated mental midget who craves attention. Ham is basically a modern-day snake oil salesman who preys on mentally deficient individuals by trying to convince them of things that are so bizarre as to be laughable.”

“One thing is for certain. We don’t have to worry about finding any intelligent life in Petersburg, Kentucky,” chuckled Dr. Black.

Since the lawsuits are just now being filed, no one can really predict which way they will go, but lawyers representing the two groups feel that given the current climate at the Supreme Court, any pro-Christian lawsuit, no matter how ridiculous, has a good chance of winning.

 

Eight-Year-Old “Not Surprised At All” That She Is More Intelligent Than Members Of The South Carolina State Senate

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COLUMBIA-Little Jenny Newberry of Spartanburg, South Carolina thought her idea was simple and straightforward. Since South Carolina is one of only ten states that does not have an official fossil, why not make the Columbian mammoth, whose fossilized teeth were first found in a South Carolina swamp way back in 1725, the official state fossil? The idea made perfect sense to her and a group of her colleagues in the third grade at the We Have The Good Sense To Believe Irrefutable Scientific Evidence When It Is Placed In Front Of  Us Elementary School in Fernwood. However, the group of young, idealistic intellectuals did not take into account the trouble the idea would cause in the Le Brea tar pit of ignorance that is the South Carolina state senate.

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Alabama wants to make an old copy of the Ten Commandments its state fossil

Upon hearing of the heretical idea, Republican state senators Kevin “Dimwit” Bryant and Mark “Doofus” Simpleton sprang into action. They quickly attached an amendment to the proposed fossil bill that included a thank-you note to God for creating the animal kingdom on the sixth day of his universal construction project. The dubious and offensive amendment included a direct quote from the book of Genesis in the Old Testament.

“We thought it would be a good time to thank the creator for his excellent work on the Columbian  mammoth and other extinct species created at around the same time,” said Bryant. “We are still not quite sure why God would create a beast only to have it go extinct, but as you know most of us ignorant hicks attribute to God that which we cannot understand. You know he really works in mysterious ways.”

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Florida officials believe that a rusty nine millimeter handgun would best represent culture in the “Gunshine State”

State Senator Mike “I Am Sometimes” Fair, another Republican, does not support the amendment in its current form. “I don’t think it’s right to single out the Columbian mammoth among all the extinct species that once roamed the earth,” said Fair. “I am currently working on a list of every extinct species we have any evidence of, including intelligent elected officials. I plan to add the entire list to the current bill, which would make the bill a little over 9,000 pages long. We need to be thorough, otherwise the Good Lord could get pissed off and send a tsunami to wipe out Myrtle Beach.”

The controversy in the South Carolina senate has spawned  legislative chaos across America. States are scrambling to rewrite “fossil laws” to better represent their religious majorities. For example, a bill in the Alabama legislature replaces the current state fossil Basilosaurus cetoides with a “really old” stone carving of the Ten Commandments dug up during the construction of Victoryland Greyhound park near Montgomery. Florida is considering making the rusty remnants of a nine millimeter handgun found on Miami Beach its state fossil, and West Virginia has already begun the process of digging up Robert C Byrd in order to put his fossilized remains on display within the rotunda in Charleston.

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Arizona, always the maverick, is bucking the trend by making Senator John McCain its official “living fossil”

For her part, little Jenny Newberry and her friends have completely ditched the state fossil idea. They have moved on and decided to form a think-tank in Spartanburg devoted to the remedial education of South Carolina’s elected officials. “I really did not expect all this hubbub,” said Jenny. “I realize that these guys are not the brightest of bulbs, but one would think that they could pass a simple bill designating a state fossil without having to overcome a veritable maelstrom of stupidity. However, this is just the kind of blinkered Philistine pig ignorance I’ve come to expect that non-creative garbage in the state senate. They sit there on their loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads and not giving a tinker’s cuss for the average third grader struggling with existential concepts. One can only hope that this bunch of political cretins will one day be extinct themselves, because I really don’t hold out much hope for future generations with this crowd in charge.”