Tag Archives: Cruz

Trump Accuses Cruz Of Playing Dildo Card

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – At a press conference this afternoon GOP front-runner Donald Trump accused rival Ted Cruz of playing the “dildo card” in order to boost his chances of becoming the Republican nominee.

After taking a few questions regarding his nearly incoherent foreign policy speech made earlier today, Trump went postal on senator and subhuman monster Ted Cruz.

“Lyin’ Ted is running around telling everyone he has what it takes to be president, but I’m here to tell you, he doesn’t have it where it counts. He thinks that because he’s a prick he’s gonna get the prick and asshole vote. He’s wrong.

“I call Ted Cruz Lyin’ Ted because he’s a liar, and the only thing he’s got is the dildo card. That’s all he’s got, and it is pandering. It’s a weak card in his hands. In another person’s hands it could be a powerful card. I’d love to see a dildo as president, but he’s the wrong dildo.”

“Frankly, if Ted Cruz was a real man and not dildo, I don’t think he’d get 5 percent of the vote. The only thing he’s got going is the dildo card,” he said. “And the beautiful thing is, other dildos don’t like him. Look how well I did with trouser snakes, spawn hammers, and groin ferrets last night. Why, I’ve practically cornered the market on the skin flute vote.”

“The weird thing is that as big a dick as Ted is, he has really small genitals, and I mean really small. Ted’s genitals are so small that his entire package would fit in the palm of one of my unusually small hands.

“Listen up, Vibratin’ Ted, you’re a liar and a loser. I’m in the process of crushing your tiny balls like a couple of walnuts.

“If America really wants to be great again, I advise everyone to vote for me, Donald Trump, a man equipped with a huge one-eyed wonder weasel, and if you don’t believe me just ask Melania.

 

RNC Warns Candidates “Don’t Drink The Water” While In Michigan

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DETROIT – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting that an emergency RNC memo has been circulated to all the Republican candidates participating in tonight’s debate in Detroit. The memo purportedly warns the candidates and their staffs against drinking any tap water during their visit to Michigan.

“We wanted to warn all the campaigns about the dangers of drinking water processed anywhere within the State of Michigan,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. “The fiasco in Flint has been well documented, but what people may not know is that Tea Bagging bastard Snyder has wreaked havoc all over Michigan. He’s an environmentalist’s nightmare.

“We’re mainly concerned about Trump and Rubio. Those two dummies can ill afford to lose any more brain cells. Kasich already knows better, and we’re led to understand that Cruz only drinks human blood.”

The report from the AP has raised eyebrows with pundits across the country, particularly since only last week all the Republican candidates for president signed a pledge to abolish the EPA, repeal the Clean Water Act, loosen restrictions on the dumping of carcinogens and radioactive waste into rivers and streams, and to generally screw poor people whenever they get the chance.

 

 

Ted Cruz Zombie Theory Discredited By Scientists

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Scientists at the Center For Sanity in Politics discounted the theory that Ted Cruz is actually a zombie under the control of Tea Party coven leader Michele Bachmann. “We really believe that it is unlikely that Cruz is a zombie, despite his irrational actions and lack of higher brain function,” said Dr. Frank Black, head of research at CSP.

Speculation and rumor concerning Cruz increased last week after an event at a fundraiser in Muleshoe, Texas. Cruz was ranting about how Obamacare will end life as we know it on planet earth when, during a particularly violent gesticulation, a portion of his right index finger flew off into the crowd. Although no one in the audience noticed, the event was caught on video and quickly went viral on the Web.

Dr. Black and his team have since been analyzing the video along with other videos of speeches by the Senator. “We think that it is far more likely that Cruz is either a replicant like the others manufactured at Fox News Laboratories or possibly he is some form of genetic throwback,” Black said. “Either possibility would account for his total lack of empathy for the poor and otherwise disadvantaged citizens of this country.”

“What we find truly baffling is that this man was ever elected in the first place, but I suppose stranger things have happened,” said Black. “After all, 48% of Americans believe UFO’s are some form of alien visitation, and 41% believe we are living in the end times described in the Bible. There seems to be a bottomless well of idiocy in the United States,” Black said.

Although Cruz was unavailable for comment, an aide to the Senator stated “These rumors are ridiculous. Furthermore, the loss of Sen Cruz’ finger will in no way affect his ability to govern if elected President. He will still be able to push the nuclear button at the slightest provocation. He’ll simply use his left hand.”