Tag Archives: defuniak springs

Cretonia’s Finest On ‘High Alert’ In Wake Of Paris Attacks

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TALLAHASSEE, CRETONIA (CT&P) – In response to last week’s Paris attacks, Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott ordered all of Florida’s gazillion law enforcement personnel to assume a “heightened state of readiness” today in a bid to keep the state free of foreign terrorists. In addition, Scott ordered elite units to be prepared and ready to assist police and sheriff’s departments around the state should the threat of Islamic terror rear its ugly toweled head in the Sunshine State.

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Members of the Walton County Hostage Rescue Squad drill just outside city hall in downtown Defuniak Springs

SWAT teams, the Florida Highway Patrol, drug enforcement units, and “grouper troopers” now stand ready to cooperate with the FBI, ATF, DEA, and even the IRS should any of Cretonia’s treasures such as Disney World, Busch Gardens, or the Snake-A-Torium in Panama City Beach be threatened.

Scott even scraped the bottom of the barrel of law enforcement by diverting 50% of the state’s 2.6 million probation officers from their regular duties to help in the effort.

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Bay County Sheriff R. W. Scotum told Action News in Panama City that his men were ready for anything. “Ain’t nothing gettin’ past my boys,” said Scrotum. “I’ll be damned if we’re gonna let ’em institute Sharina law in my hometown!”

Instead of shuffling papers around, infiltrating AA meetings, and watching past offenders urinate, the po’s will be driving around aimlessly looking for suspicious behavior, which is a full-time job in a state literally brimming with meth-crazed rednecks, white supremacists, trigger happy open carry nut jobs, and drunken teenagers from every state in the union.

“We are using all the manpower we can muster to keep those dirty Muslims out of our pristine state,” said Scott.

Of particular concern to the serpent-headed chief executive is the dystopian hellscape known as the Florida panhandle, a place where some of the dumbest primates ever to roam the earth call home.

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Members of the Bay County Drug Task Force undergo remedial survival training at the Jungle Warfare School in the swamps east of Ebro Dog Track

“As you all know, the panhandle acts as a powerful magnet for anyone on earth who has an “L” stamped on his or her forehead,” said the governor, as his scales began to glow and pulsate. “It has the highest rate of idiocy per capita that has ever been measured by researchers. With that in mind, I have personally contacted the sheriffs of all the panhandle counties and emphatically expressed our concerns, and although I had to repeat myself several times and use simple terms a third-grader could understand, I think they got the message.”

In Bay County, Sheriff R.W. Scrotum told WJHG Newschannel 7 in Panama City that “We’ve done prepared for any contingency that might happen out thar. Billy Bob has greased the treads of the tank and I ordered the mechanics to change the oil in our armored personnel carrier and get it ready to roll. We got the “General Lee” (Bay County’s drone) up flyin’ around 24/7 lookin’ for camels, women wearin’ burkas, or any males with towels wrapped around their heads. We’re ready!”

An aide to Governor Scott told reporters on the capital steps that authorities have assured the governor’s office that law enforcement, with the help of FEMA, is ready to handle any unmitigated horror that might befall the state, be it a hurricane, tidal wave, terrorist attack, or even Governor Scott’s reelection to office.

 

Courageous Walton County Deputy To Be Decorated For Defending Community Against Suspected Terrorist

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Law enforcement officers in Cretonia are famous for their bravery under fire. This photo shows members of the Spring Break Buzzkill Implementation Squad, dubbed the “Panhandle Pussies” by the press, responding to reports of teenagers throwing empty Budweiser cans off a balcony in Panama City Beach

DeFuniak Springs (CT&P) – Walton County Sheriff’s Deputy Billy Bob “Dogkilla” Jones will be honored tonight at the annual “Profiles in Courage” banquet sponsored by the Florida Peace Officers Malevolent League. The event will take place at the new 1200 square foot DeFuniak Springs Civic Center. Two other local officers will be honored at the banquet, and the public is encouraged to attend.

Deputy Jones will be receiving the “Courage and Dedication To Duty Shown While Unnecessarily Shooting a Canine To Death Medal of Valor.” The award comes as a result of the actions taken by Jones on September 19, 2013 during an incident involving a dog that wandered a few steps past his yard and growled at the deputy and his police cruiser. Deputy Jones took swift and decisive action. He stepped out of his vehicle, and while exposing himself to grave bodily harm, shot the dog with his “nine.”

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Relieved pensioners look on as members of the Joint Rapid Response Task Force clean out a nest of heinous feral cats located dangerously close to the Methuselah Retirement Community in Geriatric Village, Florida

Also honored will be Deputy Joey “Take It Slow” DeCarlo. DeCarlo will be receiving the “Persistence and Indefatigability While Using Advanced Interrogation Techniques On An Underage Drinker Medal of Freedom.” DeCarlo will be receiving the coveted medal for a March 16, 2013 incident in which he suspended a 17-year-old girl from Tennessee off an eighth floor balcony until she coughed up the name of the ringleader of a vicious gang of spring breakers conspiring to buy beer.

Finally, Florida Fish and Game Officer Billy Frank “Grouper Trooper” Hayseed will be receiving the “Charles Whitman Honorary Sniper Award For Murdering The Most Innocuous Wildlife During an Eight Hour Shift.” Officer Hayseed will be afforded the honor for his efforts on July 7, 2013, when he butchered three gopher tortoises, a black bear and two of her cubs, 16 “rabid” possums, two wayward raccoons, one feral cat, and an unknown number of fish who perished after Officer Hayseed dropped a concussion grenade into Chlamydia Creek from the Ralph R. Scrotum Memorial Bridge.

Walton County Sheriff Buford T. “Bull” Smegma will MC the event and all residents of Walton County (excluding illegal aliens and their spawn) are encouraged to attend. Sheriff Smegma told CT&P reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that over two dozen tickets to the event have already been sold at $3.50 per ticket. “That brings us close to our goal of raising a hundred bucks for needy families in Walton County,” said Smegma. “When you combine that with all the loot we have stolen from our own citizens by the reckless application of the asset forfeiture laws, well, the booty really starts to pile up.” Before departing in his 2014 Cadillac Escalade, Sheriff Smegma told Bruce, “I sure hope that you or that freak Dickerson will take the time to attend the party tonight. I’d really like my photo in the paper. I’ll be wearing my brand new custom tailored lime green ‘leisure tux.’ I’m really gonna be stylin’!”

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Members of the SWAT team from Yawning Sinkhole, Florida subdue a heinous feline wanted for vagrancy and drug trafficking. Authorities later found her stash of over two pounds of catnip hidden under an abandoned trailer.

Festivities are planned to begin at 7 PM at the Hernando de Soto Memorial Civic Center in DeFuniak. Barbecued horse meat and “mountain oysters’ will served at the banquet and adult beverages will be available at a cash bar. Those not wishing to drink alcohol should bring bottled water as the tap water at the center and the surrounding area has long been a source of encephalitis outbreaks. All proceeds will benefit the families of officers who have had their feelings hurt in the line of duty.

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Every citizen of Cretonia should get down on their knees and thank God for the diligence shown by the brave members of local law enforcement. This photograph shows Bay County deputies on routine patrol to enforce leash laws on Melanoma Beach

 

Editor’s note: A Walton County deputy has just been cleared of wrongdoing in a case where he shot and killed a pit bull mix while it barked and growled at him from his own yard. This did not occur in a trailer park but in a Santa Rosa Beach neighborhood. To be fair, the dog was not restrained and had supposedly caused problems before. However, the cop made no attempt to use pepper spray or a Taser, and did not call animal control and simply wait inside his cruiser for them to take care of the problem. The abominable law enforcement practice of shooting family pets while serving “no-knock” warrants and during routine traffic stops is widespread across the United States and seems to be growing. Since no records are required to be kept of such incidents, no one is sure of the numbers, but thanks to social media the problem is becoming better publicized. The practice is for the most part another hideous consequence of the ill-advised and utterly useless and counterproductive “War on Drugs,” which has gone a long way to shred our 4th Amendment rights. Take it from me as I have firsthand experience in this matter. Everyone who loves animals and thinks that the militarization of our law enforcement agencies is getting completely out of hand should voice his or her opinion. Don’t wait until there is a drone flying in circles over your neighborhood to take some sort of constructive action.

By the way, the Walton County deputy was cleared of wrongdoing by his fellow law enforcement officers.

Walton County Enters Statewide “Mindless and Absurd Arrest” Contest

Posted in entertainment, humor, politics, Uncategorized by
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The Tidwells are unlikely to be strong public advocates of the “Emerald Coast” as a vacation destination

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Walton County Sheriff’s Department spokesperson Fred Dullard

DEFUNIAK SPRINGS, FL-Fred R. Dullard, spokesman for the Walton County Sheriff’s Department, announced today that Walton will be joining a multitude of Florida counties in the red-hot race for who can make the most moronic and senseless arrests during spring break. Although Walton is a late entry, Dullard expressed optimism for a high finish. “I think we have a good shot at it,” said Dullard. “Our main competition is going to be neighboring Bay County. They are always tough to beat in any contest of incompetence or abuse. Those guys over there just seem to have a knack for fucking things up.”

Walton made its first entry into the contest with the foolish and ill-advised arrest of Philip D. Tidwell’s twenty year old daughter who was here on spring break from Dyersburg, Tennessee. It seems that Ms Tidwell had committed the heinous crime of possessing an unopened alcoholic beverage. Not being 21 years of age, Ms Tidwell thus constituted a clear and present danger to anyone within a ten-mile radius of her position.

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Bay County is a heavy favorite to win the “moronic arrest” contest because of its innovative mobile concentration camps for unruly youthful offenders

The arresting officer, Bobby Joe Vapid of nearby Encephalitis Springs, stated “I just couldn’t let the public be put in danger by Ms Tidwell’s wreckless activities. These damn rich kids come down har and think they can get away with all kinds a terrorist acts. It ain’t right.”

What makes Walton’s entry so impressive are the unintended consequences of Officer Vapid’s arrest. After hearing of his daughter’s incarceration, Mr. Tidwell drove down from Dyersburg to free her from the long tentacles of the law. Upon arriving at the jail in DeFuniak Springs, he was informed of the standard wait time of 7-10 hours before his daughter could be released.

“We try to release prisoners as quickly as possible, depending on the severity of the crime and how attractive they are, if they are female of course,” said spokesman Dullard. “However, when it comes to these hardened criminals from out of state, we have to err on the side of caution. We have a duty to protect the public. Besides, it’s damn hard for many of our nearly illiterate personnel to fill out all the proper forms.”

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Authorities were saddened to see Ms Tidwell released as they had made plans for her future

After having to deal with the absurdity of the arrest and incarceration of his daughter, Mr. Tidwell simply could not take the glacial pace of the release process. He then did what many have fantasized about doing. He grabbed a golf club and beat the shit out of some patrol cars parked in the jail parking lot.

 A local attorney representing Mr. Tidwell quoted him as saying, “Hell, that’s the way we settle scores in the Volunteer state, and I figured Florida would be no different. Without golf clubs and tire irons society would go all to hell.” Mr. Tidwell’s lawyer said that he was slightly intoxicated at the time and regretted the incident. He has offered to pay for the damages.

The last few weeks of the arrest contest should be very exciting. The grand prize is a year-long expansion of the asset forfeiture laws to include parking tickets and restaurant code violations. That potentially means a lot of cash for hard-pressed police and sheriff’s departments. With the race heating up, vacationing students are advised to use extreme caution or choose a more warm and congenial destination this year, like maybe Damascus or Sevastopol.

Vicious Gang Of Grey Supremacists Found Guilty Of 2013 Home Invasion In Santa Rosa Beach

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The gang gained access to homes by chewing through the facade

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“Cheeky,” leader of the gang, got ten years

DEFUNIAK SPRINGS-A violent gang of young “grey supremacist” squirrels has finally been run to ground and will face substantial prison terms for an early 2013 home invasion robbery in Santa Rosa Beach. The eight defendants showed no remorse as Judge Billy Bob McSneed of Walton County read the sentences aloud in front of a packed courtroom.

“Cheeky” the leader of the gang, a huge fox squirrel covered in tattoos, was sentenced to ten years. Six other gang members were sentenced to five-year terms. “Benedict,” a six month old who turned state’s evidence and testified against his partners in crime, received a suspended sentence and will be under house arrest for two years. He will have to wear a paw monitor for the entire probationary period.

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Cheeky was still defiant and showed no remorse as he was led away to captivity

The squirrels were convicted of the February 12th, 2013 home invasion robbery of the Dickerson estate in Santa Rosa Beach. Jerry Dickerson, editor of the Times-Picayune and all-around wonderful guy (known in the panhandle as God’s gift to women) was home alone at the time. “They came in like something out of Zero Dark Thirty,” said Mr. Dickerson. I have not seen that level of callous indifference since I was late to one of Mr. Watkin’s chemistry classes back in 1975. I tried to resist, but one of the larger squirrels put his incisors to my neck and threatened to slice my jugular if I moved an inch. They grabbed everything that was not nailed down and stuffed it into their cheeks. It was terrifying!”

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Once they gained entrance to a dwelling the gang would rappel into the home like commandos

The home invasion in Santa Rosa was part of a string of robberies and assaults dating back to 2011 when it is believed the gang was formed. “Benedict” met with the media at a brief press conference after the sentences were read. He told reporters that he was a young and naive squirrel when he “broke bad” and joined the gang. “I really don’t believe in all that ‘Grey Power’ crap. I even tried to get Cheeky to slow down and back-off. I told him we could make a living like other squirrels, collecting nuts and pine cones and stuff. But he was having none of it. I told him we shouldn’t try for another one of those homes on 30-A, but he got all pissed off when Mrs Dickerson pulled down the bird feeders.”

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The gang has long been wanted for a series of attacks on people and their pets

It seems that a group of woodrats had invaded the Dickerson’s attic and were living it up on the sunflower seeds that were meant for the bird population. Mrs Dickerson finally had enough after the undocumented rodents had a late-night party on the ceiling of her bedroom. She took action the next day and removed the feeders.

“Cheeky just went out of his mind,” said Benedict. “What you have to understand is that we depended on those feeders for our supper. He called us all together in a squirrels12 squirrels11 squirrel19 nearby live oak and told us how all the woodrats coming up from the south were taking our jobs, food, and even our women. He also told us that they didn’t pay taxes, used emergency rooms every time they got sick, and almost all of them voted Democrat. Now the damn illegal rats had ruined a good food source by being so greedy. That really got the gang ready to take action. Cheeky can be very charismatic.”

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The gang drilled regularly with the “Florida Militia” and other racist organizations

The gang has escaped the icy grip of the law on numerous occasions in the past because of their ability to disappear from crime scenes and melt into the woods like grey ghosts. The thugs also intimidated witnesses by leaving piles of half eaten sunflower seeds on their doorsteps and taunting them from nearby trees as they went to work. Many thought the string of robberies and assaults would forever go unpunished.

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Prison guards in Florida are not known for their sympathy and understanding

However, late this fall officers from the Florida Fish and Game Commission trapped the gang in the Pine Log State Forest as part of “Operation Nutcracker.” Three gang members were shot and killed during the operation and ended up in the deputies’ stew pots. Two officers were injured when in desperation the gang chewed through a large branch and it came crashing down on the officers’ heads. In the end the gang gave themselves up one by one and came down the trunk of a large loblolly pine with their tails between their legs. The only holdout was Cheeky and he was later tasered out of the tree.

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Mr. Dickerson, home alone at the time of the robbery, steadfastly refused to tell deputies what he was up to as the squirrels chewed their way in

The Florida Department of Corrections will now take custody of the gang members and it will no doubt put extra strain on the system to have such a violent group of individuals behind bars. The Florida prison system is already full to bursting with inmates serving lengthy terms for minor drug offenses and traffic violations. The group will no doubt be split up and distributed to various facilities within the massive labyrinthine money pit. Once there they will no doubt get a much-needed lesson on race relations.

Local Woman Wins Gold In Sochi!

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olympicSOCHI- Defuniak Springs, a sleepy hamlet in the heart of the Cretonian Panhandle, is home to our latest Olympic champion. The coveted gold medal in Winter Nagging went to resident Charlotte Ratched, a probation officer and part-time nurse at the facility where her husband is an outpatient. It’s the biggest news to hit the area since the Panhandle Possum Festival moved to nearby Wausau.

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Mrs Ratched in training with her beleaguered husband last fall

The obscure Olympic event was held at various isolated cabins in the snowy mountains north of the main venues. It consists of a female contestant being placed in an icebound cabin along with a retired USMC drill sergeant. The contestant who forces the retired Marine to beg for mercy in the shortest period of time wins the event. No physical contact is allowed and the event is closely monitored by judges via closed circuit cameras.

Mrs Ratched used derisive sarcasm, unrelenting mockery, caustic ridicule and venomous scorn to drive the poor drill sergeant to push the panic button in less than one hour. Her whining complaints, gripes, and grumbling could be heard over 3/4 of a mile away at the next cabin. By the time security reached the cabin Staff Sergeant Max Slaughter was standing at the edge of a precipice preparing to jump.

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Leonia Wilson from Detroit, Michigan won the silver medal

Mrs Ratched’s husband Bill was unable to attend the medal ceremony but we reached him by phone at the Walton County Mental Health Center just outside Defuniak Springs. “We are so proud of her. She has finally proved that she is the very best at what she does every day and night of her life. There is no subject known to science on which she is not an expert. She offers direction, instruction, and criticism on any and every project we ever do around here, regardless of her lack of experience. The woman is for all practical purposes omniscient.”

Her coach, right-wing pundit Ann Coulter, was equally proud. “This woman has overcome a below average IQ and little formal education to reach the summit in her chosen sport and pastime. It reminds me so much of myself. I just can’t tell you how pleased we are.” Ms Coulter spent countless hours teaching Ratched the fine art of unfounded criticism, irrational attack, and acidic backbiting. Coulter will likely be credited with pushing Ratched over the top by revealing to Charlotte her secret method of minimal caloric intake in order to induce a constant state of irritability that is vital for competition-level nagging.

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Jamie Watkins from nearby Montgomery, Alabama was in the running for a medal but was disqualified for using “banned devices”

A gala welcome home festival is planned in Defuniak next week. The three major employers in the area, Walmart, the Florida Department of Corrections, and Jim Bob’s Leisure Suits, Taxidermy, and Small Engine Repair will sponsor the event.

Editor’s Note: Readers that grew up in the area may remember Bill Ratched as Bill Jones. He assumed his wife’s last name when they were married seven years ago. Bill told our reporter he did it out of respect, but his therapists think it was done out of “abject fear.” He is known around town simply as “Schmuck.” Rumors that Mr. Ratched was recently found in his garage with his car’s engine running cannot be confirmed at this time. Mr. Ratched was supposedly found after an incident at a local Pizza Hut in which Charlotte “got medieval on his ass.”