Tag Archives: democrats

Brick Top To Lead Clinton Poll Watching Team

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bricktop66

 

PITTSBURGH – (CT&P) – Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters this morning that Brick Top has been tapped to lead the campaign’s poll watching team on Tuesday.

“We’re pleased to announce that Brick Top has accepted the recently created position of poll watching Czar for the Clinton campaign,” said Mook.

“His duties will include overseeing the work of thousands of volunteers across the country tasked with making sure no Trumpkins try to interfere with or intimidate minority voters as they exercise their constitutional right to decide who they want to rule over them.”

Brick Top himself gave a brief statement at London’s Heathrow Airport as he hurried to board a flight to New York to meet with Clinton campaign officials over the weekend.

Asked by a reporter what he intended to do to any Trumpkins caught trying to interfere with the election, Brick Top replied, “Well, you’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.

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So far reporters have been unable to confirm rumors swirling around the Clinton campaign that a farm in western New York has been leased for the month of November.

“Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig.'”

When a reporter pointed out that what he was planning might not conform with current election laws in the United States, Brick Top told him, “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off!

“You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Brick Top is scheduled to arrive this evening at LaGuardia Airport where he will be met by longtime Clinton supporter Harvey “The Wolf” Keitel.

Reports that a Clinton aide has placed an order for five thousand baseball bats could not immediately be confirmed by sources close to the campaign.

 

 

 

Poll: Village Idiots Breaking For Trump

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villageidiot1

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – According to the latest Washington Post-ABC News Tracking Poll, village idiots across the United States are breaking for Donald Trump. Clinton and Trump are all but tied according to the poll, and pundits believe that this trend among undecided village idiots, morons, and imbeciles could very well determine the outcome of the election.

The tracking poll finds little shift in Clinton’s overall support following news of the FBI’s renewed look at Clinton emails, but strong enthusiasm among her supporters fell behind Trump in combined Saturday and Sunday interviews.

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Vince Snetterton-Lewis, a village idiot from Panama City, Florida, says he supports Trump because he’ll make him great again like before his accident.

By 53 to 43 percent, more Trump supporters, who tend to be poorly educated simpletons, say they are “very enthusiastic” about him, compared with Thursday and Friday when Trump’s edge was negligible (53 percent vs. 51 percent).

“Clinton backers are slipping behind in enthusiasm even though Democrats have an edge in early voting,” said Merideth Bullsmegma, who manages the poll for ABC News.

“This presents a clear opportunity for Trump, if somehow his supporters are able to find their respective polling places.”

Bullsmegma cited reports that many potential Trump voters are wandering aimlessly around cities and towns complaining that they can’t find where to vote because they have ‘pieces of brain lodged in their heads’.

“If the RNC can somehow get these schmucks to the polls, and convince them that the voting machines won’t hurt them, then Trump could pull off the upset,” said a nervous Bullsmegma.

“If that happens, then God help us all.”

Hillary Vows To Slash Deficit By Eliminating Executive Oversight Committees

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hillary5

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – At a rest area somewhere near Compost, Iowa this morning Hillary Clinton paused as she was exiting the men’s restroom to tell a group of near-rabid, obsessive-compulsive journalists that if elected she planned on banning executive oversight and investigative committees in both houses of Congress, along with the Office of the Special Prosecutor in D.C.

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When asked what would happen if the executive branch operated without any supervision Hillary responded, “What difference does it make?”

The Democrat candidate said that she would do this by executive order on her first day in office and the actions would be taken to reduce waste in government and save taxpayers’ money.

“I really don’t see the need for members of Congress to spend months going over the same old shit trying to dig up dirt on our president,” said Clinton. “The president has better things to do than worry about deleting emails, erasing tapes, and ‘disappearing’ key witnesses. Besides, the citizens of the United States elected these bozos to bring back subsidies for huge corporations, give tax breaks to the wealthiest members of our society, and get funding for bridges to nowhere so a few jobs can be created in their districts.”

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When queried on the subject of congressional oversight Hillary’s Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer Alphonso Redoya told reporters, “Oversight? We don’t need no stinking oversight!”

“I think that if members of Congress were to just concentrate on what the hell they were elected to do, we could reduce the number of days they are in session by about half and drastically cut their salaries and expenses. That would really help the federal government’s bottom line,” said Clinton.

When a reporter from the New York Times asked Clinton who would then provide oversight of the executive branch, an agitated Alphonso Bedoya, Clinton Campaign Hispanic Vote Liaison Officer, told him what he thought of executive oversight committees.

“Oversight? To god-damned hell with oversight! We have no oversight. In fact, we don’t need no oversight. I don’t have to show you any stinking oversight, you god-damned cabron and ching tu madre!”

Clinton then thanked the journalists, jumped in her van, and sped off too her next campaign fundraiser at Jim Bob’s Pork and Corn Barbecue Palace in Steaming Excrement Springs just outside Cedar Rapids.

Poll Finds Old Wet Hens Are Optimistic About America’s Future

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wethen

WASHINGTON (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll released this morning indicates that old wet hens are more optimistic about America’s future than 90% of politicians currently running for office.

The poll was taken on October 18 immediately after an intense thunderstorm and represents the feelings of over a dozen elderly free-range hens in the backwoods of North Carolina. The poll results were then compared to a similar poll taken on October 15th of politicians currently running for office.

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Zebrus Maximus, seen here with three of the hens polled, told researchers that “Hell, I thought living with 12 women in the same coop was tough. I think I’d have to drown myself in the watering trough if I had to be around politicians all the time.” Zebrus does morning drive-time traffic for WCOK in Murphy.

The data clearly shows that 9 out of 10 wet hens are either “very” or “somewhat” optimistic about America’s future over the next two decades, with the remaining 10% of hens being “cautiously” optimistic.

By comparison, 80% of the politicians who were polled felt that the fabric of American society is sure to “torn asunder” or “ripped apart” over the next 10-20 years, with the result being a “dystopian hellscape” similar to what now exists in the state of Florida. The remaining 20% of pols predict a slower, more gradual descent into chaos that over the next fifty years will reduce western civilization to roving bands of survivors eating out of date dog food.

Both major parties were pessimistic about America’s chances to survive, but in general Republicans predict a more rapid demise than their counterparts on the other side of the aisle.

Reasons given for the imminent collapse of the United States include Ebola, ISIS, gay marriage, and Obamacare for the Republicans, and climate change, genetically modified organisms, voter ID laws, and wheat gluten for the Democrats.

“I personally cannot see how most Americans can stand to watch these idiot politicians on television,” said Andrew Kohut, founding director of the Pew Research Center. “The only thing that keeps those hens sane and happy is the fact that they don’t have cable. I threw away my television years ago and advise everyone else in America to do the same.”

 

 

 

 

Vicious Gang Of Grey Supremacists Found Guilty Of 2013 Home Invasion In Santa Rosa Beach

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The gang gained access to homes by chewing through the facade

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“Cheeky,” leader of the gang, got ten years

DEFUNIAK SPRINGS-A violent gang of young “grey supremacist” squirrels has finally been run to ground and will face substantial prison terms for an early 2013 home invasion robbery in Santa Rosa Beach. The eight defendants showed no remorse as Judge Billy Bob McSneed of Walton County read the sentences aloud in front of a packed courtroom.

“Cheeky” the leader of the gang, a huge fox squirrel covered in tattoos, was sentenced to ten years. Six other gang members were sentenced to five-year terms. “Benedict,” a six month old who turned state’s evidence and testified against his partners in crime, received a suspended sentence and will be under house arrest for two years. He will have to wear a paw monitor for the entire probationary period.

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Cheeky was still defiant and showed no remorse as he was led away to captivity

The squirrels were convicted of the February 12th, 2013 home invasion robbery of the Dickerson estate in Santa Rosa Beach. Jerry Dickerson, editor of the Times-Picayune and all-around wonderful guy (known in the panhandle as God’s gift to women) was home alone at the time. “They came in like something out of Zero Dark Thirty,” said Mr. Dickerson. I have not seen that level of callous indifference since I was late to one of Mr. Watkin’s chemistry classes back in 1975. I tried to resist, but one of the larger squirrels put his incisors to my neck and threatened to slice my jugular if I moved an inch. They grabbed everything that was not nailed down and stuffed it into their cheeks. It was terrifying!”

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Once they gained entrance to a dwelling the gang would rappel into the home like commandos

The home invasion in Santa Rosa was part of a string of robberies and assaults dating back to 2011 when it is believed the gang was formed. “Benedict” met with the media at a brief press conference after the sentences were read. He told reporters that he was a young and naive squirrel when he “broke bad” and joined the gang. “I really don’t believe in all that ‘Grey Power’ crap. I even tried to get Cheeky to slow down and back-off. I told him we could make a living like other squirrels, collecting nuts and pine cones and stuff. But he was having none of it. I told him we shouldn’t try for another one of those homes on 30-A, but he got all pissed off when Mrs Dickerson pulled down the bird feeders.”

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The gang has long been wanted for a series of attacks on people and their pets

It seems that a group of woodrats had invaded the Dickerson’s attic and were living it up on the sunflower seeds that were meant for the bird population. Mrs Dickerson finally had enough after the undocumented rodents had a late-night party on the ceiling of her bedroom. She took action the next day and removed the feeders.

“Cheeky just went out of his mind,” said Benedict. “What you have to understand is that we depended on those feeders for our supper. He called us all together in a squirrels12 squirrels11 squirrel19 nearby live oak and told us how all the woodrats coming up from the south were taking our jobs, food, and even our women. He also told us that they didn’t pay taxes, used emergency rooms every time they got sick, and almost all of them voted Democrat. Now the damn illegal rats had ruined a good food source by being so greedy. That really got the gang ready to take action. Cheeky can be very charismatic.”

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The gang drilled regularly with the “Florida Militia” and other racist organizations

The gang has escaped the icy grip of the law on numerous occasions in the past because of their ability to disappear from crime scenes and melt into the woods like grey ghosts. The thugs also intimidated witnesses by leaving piles of half eaten sunflower seeds on their doorsteps and taunting them from nearby trees as they went to work. Many thought the string of robberies and assaults would forever go unpunished.

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Prison guards in Florida are not known for their sympathy and understanding

However, late this fall officers from the Florida Fish and Game Commission trapped the gang in the Pine Log State Forest as part of “Operation Nutcracker.” Three gang members were shot and killed during the operation and ended up in the deputies’ stew pots. Two officers were injured when in desperation the gang chewed through a large branch and it came crashing down on the officers’ heads. In the end the gang gave themselves up one by one and came down the trunk of a large loblolly pine with their tails between their legs. The only holdout was Cheeky and he was later tasered out of the tree.

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Mr. Dickerson, home alone at the time of the robbery, steadfastly refused to tell deputies what he was up to as the squirrels chewed their way in

The Florida Department of Corrections will now take custody of the gang members and it will no doubt put extra strain on the system to have such a violent group of individuals behind bars. The Florida prison system is already full to bursting with inmates serving lengthy terms for minor drug offenses and traffic violations. The group will no doubt be split up and distributed to various facilities within the massive labyrinthine money pit. Once there they will no doubt get a much-needed lesson on race relations.