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Obama Vows To Destroy Country One Last Time Before Inauguration
WASHINGTON – At a press conference earlier today President Obama pledged to destroy the country one last time before turning over the reigns of power to Donald Trump, the first illiterate person to be elected President of the United States.
“I just want to make sure I leave this fucking place in the same shape I found it in,” said an emotional Obama.
The President did not specify what form this last orgy of destruction would take, but White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters later that it would be one of the President’s more creative efforts.
“He may alter the path of a large asteroid and have it impact at the geographical center of the lower 48, or he could cause huge tidal waves to hit both the east and west coasts simultaneously,” said a smiling Earnest. “Hell, he may even order our submarines to launch their Trident II missiles and wipe out every major city in America, you just never know with Barry.”
Experts from around the country say that this will mark the 47th time Obama has “completely destroyed America.”
Professor Hikita of the Banzai Institute told CNN that the variety of methods Obama has used in the past is mind-boggling, and there’s no way to predict how he’ll destroy the country this time.
“The bastard provided health insurance to poor people one time, then he orchestrated a deadly agreement with the Iranians that guaranteed we would all die of radiation poisoning another time,” said Hikita. “Then there was the time he rounded up all the Christians in Texas and sentenced them to live the rest of their lives in forced labor camps under WalMart Supercenters. He’s diabolical!”
The crescendo of doom is expected to begin sometime this evening and continue until the swearing-in ceremony tomorrow morning, leaving little time for many of us to live.
Sara Palin told Fox News that our only hope lies in the good and honorable man we’ve elected to be our next president.
“God has sent Donald Trump to save America, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” said Palin, as she injected 1/2 a gram of methamphetamine into a pulsating vein in her temple. “Trust in Jesus and everything will be just fine.”
Creepy Clown Sighting At Presidential Debate
LAS VEGAS – (CT&P) – The reports to the police have one thing in common with the circus act involving an improbable number of clowns emerging from a small car.
They just keep coming, and coming, and coming, across multiple states. Clowns in vans. Clowns in the woods. Clowns lurking in the shadows. Clowns chasing people or doing crimes.
But no one expected the rash of creepy clown sightings would affect the presidential election.
After Hillary Clinton took the stage last night in Las Vegas at the third and final debate, a giant clown dressed in an imported suit, ridiculously long tie, and covered in orange grease paint emerged and stood behind the opposition podium. The clown was wearing what seemed to be a dead fox on his head.
“It was really creepy,” said Executive Director of the Commission on Presidential Debates Janet Brown.
“We have no idea where the clown came from. He obviously had no political experience or debating skills. We think he was there just to create chaos. One thing’s for sure, almost everyone was disgusted by his weird, nonsensical statements.”
The clown remained on stage and continually interrupted both the moderator and his opponent. As the debate wore on he became more and more incoherent as his blood pressure rose and his skin began to glow like a nuclear fuel rod.
After the debate the clown was seen getting into a large SUV and departing the venue.
The first reports of unusual orange clown sightings surfaced last summer with stories that the costumed figures were offering women money to lure them into the woods or were lingering in places while spouting hatred about immigrants and Muslims.
The orange clown sightings are apparently unconnected with sightings of average everyday clowns claimed in at least six other states: Alabama, Georgia, Maryland, New Jersey, North Carolina and Pennsylvania.
Trump Supporters Eagerly Await Arrival Of Comet
Greensboro, N.C. – (CT&P) – During what pundits described as his most unhinged speech to date, Donald Trump told supporters today to prepare for the arrival of a comet which would “Make the Galaxy Great Again.”
Trump surrogate Marshall Applewhite Jr told CNN that in the coming weeks instructions will be provided to Trump supporters about how they can catch a ride to a racially pure fatherland.
Trump said the comet was discovered by amateur astronomer Marvin Schicklegruber of Forlorn Hope, Mississippi, who named it Trump-Pence in honor of his heroes on the Republican ticket.
“This is the biggest, best, most beautiful comet that ever came out of the Oort Cloud,” said Trump.
Mr Trump explained that the comet will appear in the heavens the week before the election, portending his victory over ‘Crooked Hillary’ and a secretive international cabal of bankers, Jews, women, educated people, immigrants, space aliens, establishment Republicans, dermatologists, and Paul Ryan who have all banded together to say very very horrible things about him and imply that he was not perfect.
Mr. Trump told excited supporters that the comet would usher in a new era in the solar system and eventually the entire Milky Way galaxy.
“Comet Trump-Pence is going to make the universe great again!” said Mr. Trump to a large crowd of poorly educated rednecks.
Applewhite told Wolf Blitzer that Trump fans could go to the campaign website and purchase special Trump sneakers, cups, and grape flavored Kool-Aid for use on November 9th when it will be time to join cosmic Aryans on the Mothership.
“In the coming weeks we’ll have instructions for all you loyal supporters regarding the comet,” said Trump, “but for now we’d like you all to buy alien abduction insurance to be on the safe side. On the way out of the auditorium please stop at the tables marked ‘Trump Risk Management’ and sign up. We have plans to fit every income.”
Appearing later on CNN senior adviser to the Trump Campaign Marshall Applewhite Jr told viewers more about the comet that Trump claims will bring change.
“Right now you can’t see the comet because it’s hiding behind Pluto,” said a visibly agitated Applewhite. “But when it gets here we’re gonna get on board the Mothership that’s traveling in its tail. The Mothership will take us to a new planet where there are no minorities and only subservient women. There we’ll have plenty of lebensraum and we’ll sire a racially pure civilization that will make the galaxy great again!”
Despite multiple attempts, the existence of Trump-Pence has not been confirmed by any independent observatories anywhere in the world. However, since Republicans traditionally don’t give a flying fuck about science, that fact is unlikely to have any effect on Trump supporters.
Donald Trump Under Attack From Evil Cabal
WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – During a speech this morning Donald Trump announced that he has come under attack by what “any reasonable person” would believe is a conspiracy involving, but not limited to, every national newspaper, every national and regional magazine, cable outlets, every television network except Fox News, all forms of social media, the GOP establishment, the entire Democratic Party, President and Mrs Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, the ghost of Buddy the Clinton’s slain Labrador Retriever, various sluts of all ages, the Illuminati, almost every Freemason on the planet, ISIS, Jimmy Hoffa, black folks, Mexicans, hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees milling about on Ellis Island, 1.8 billion Muslims, and the International Organization of Evil Jews who control just about everything on the fucking planet.
Mr. Trump said that he has incontrovertible proof of the conspiracy and it will be made public “really really soon.”
“The conspiracy is meant to demean me and steal the election from you, my highly intelligent and not a bit gullible supporters,” said Trump, as he glowed orange like a spent nuclear fuel rod.
“We all know that the Clinton Foundation has been grooming these ugly sluts over a period of months and has set them loose on the public right before everyone goes to vote on November 28th,” he said while waving his tiny hands in semi-circles in an attempt to hypnotize his dim-witted voters.
“I mean just look at them. Are those the kinds of women you think I would assault? I have a lot higher standards than that, let me tell you. I wouldn’t put my little hands anywhere near those skanks. And I want to make one thing very clear. I have never raped anyone! They were begging for it every time.”
Mr. Trump concluded his defense by saying that the attacks from every decent person on the planet had nothing to do with the words that spewed out of his own vile and vulgar mouth.
“It’s a huge, well-organized conspiracy decades in the making, let me tell you. None of this is my fault.”
Kellyanne Conway Decries Pussyfooting
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Donald Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway is tired of the “pussyfooting around” from Republican lawmakers who have distanced themselves from the Republican presidential ticket in recent days, calling on them to decide once and for all whether or not they support their party’s nominee.
“Well we want the support of anybody who’s going to publicly endorse us. But enough of the pussyfooting around in terms of, you know, do you support us or do you not support us?” Conway said Wednesday morning on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “The fact is that some of these leaders have been wishy-washy.”
“We think that white suburban pussy is the key to this election and we intend to go out and grab as much of that pussy as we possibly can,” said Conway as she massaged her crotch. “We want allies who can reach out and boldly grab the pussy, not fumble around inside panties like inexperienced schoolboys,” said the obviously aroused Conway.
When Good Morning America host George Stephanopoulos asked Conway what her plans were if Trump lost, she replied, “Well, I guess I’ll just rent my pussy out to the highest bidder. It’s worked out pretty well for me the past few months.”
Kellyanne Conway On New Video: ‘Everyone Grabs A Pussy Now And Then’
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Appearing on AM Joy this morning on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway told host Joy Reid that she was not really concerned about the shocking new video in which Donald Trump describes his pickup technique, which apparently includes grabbing a woman’s genitalia as soon as he’s introduced.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Conway. “Everybody grabs a pussy at some point in their life, and some of us grab a whole bunch of pussies. I’d be willing to bet that Hillary Clinton has grabbed more than her share of pussies in her time. In fact, I bet there’s not a pussy in the State Department she hasn’t grabbed.”
When asked about Republican lawmakers lining up to withdraw their endorsements of Mr. Trump, Conway called them ‘pussies.’
“These establishment politicians are all just a bunch of pussies,” Conway said, as she massaged her crotch. “They’re all bunch of hypocrites because I know from working with them that they grab pussy any chance they get.
“I feel confident that our supporters will see through this attempt by the Clinton Campaign to divert attention from the things that really matter, like proving we never landed on the moon and exposing the conspiracy to cover up the Roswell Incident.
“So I say let’s not be distracted by a little pussy grabbing. After all, it’s what makes the world go round!”
Subhuman Monster Declares Trump An ‘Absolute Genius’
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Yesterday hideous throwback and miscreant Rudy Giuliani called Donald Trump an ‘absolute genius’ for losing 916 million dollars in a boom market and then writing it off so he could avoid paying taxes for over a decade.
Giuliani, an almost universally despised human lamprey who has feasted on the blood of 9/11 victims for fifteen years, removed Trump’s penis from his fang-filled mouth long enough to defend him over and over again on a variety of Sunday shows, proving yet again that he will do anything for fame and fortune.
“The man’s a genius,” said the Trump Campaign’s lead adviser on bigotry and racism on CNN’s “State of the Union.” “He knows how to operate the tax code for the people who he’s serving, even if all those people happen to be Donald Trump,” as he wiped blood from his chin.
In this case, Mr. Giuliani added, Mr. Trump had simply acted as any bloodthirsty capitalist leech would in order to save money for his enterprises. Mr. Trump’s investors, he added, could have brought legal action or even sent former KGB assassins against Mr. Trump had he not taken advantage of the tax law’s provisions to avoid taxation.
But in an ABC News interview, Mr. Giuliani, sounding increasingly frayed, offered a remark that focused explicitly on Mrs. Clinton’s gender.
“Don’t you think a giant orange douche of a man who has this kind of economic genius is a lot better for the United States than some bitch who can’t even make it to her vehicle?” he asked.
Gov. Chris Christie of New Jersey, another ass licking adviser to Mr. Trump, argued that rather than demonstrating any kind of malfeasance, the tax records published by The Times showed Mr. Trump to be singularly qualified to overhaul the federal tax code so that the rich could steal even more cash from hardworking Americans.
Mr. Christie, who has been assigned his own zip code by the U.S. Postal Service because of his enormous fat ass said the documents supporting the report illustrated Mr. Trump’s great success in crushing the little guy while raking in as much money as possible for himself and wealthy investors.
“This is a guy who, when lots of businesses went out of business in the early 1990s, fought and clawed back to build another fortune, to create tens of thousands of more jobs, so he could fuck those people as well, and I absolutely adore him for it,” Mr. Christie said on “Fox News Sunday.”
“This is actually a very, very good story for Donald Trump,” he added. “We can spin it in very creative ways so it looks like we actually care about ‘Joe Six Pack.’ After all, most of Trump’s supporters don’t have the sense God gave a goat, so they’re easily fooled.”
ISIS Unleashes Infamous Dumpster Bomber On U.S.
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A massive manhunt began on Monday morning as the FBI announced the identity of a suspect wanted for questioning in connection with weekend explosions in New York and New Jersey.
The identification of 28-year-old Ahmad Khan Rahami, a U.S. citizen born in Afghanistan, sparked a frenzied search around the region, as officials suggested that as many as four separate incidents could be linked, and may have been connected to an international network.
Mr. Rahami, known in his native Afghanistan as the “Corpulent Sheik,” is 5’6″ inches tall and weighs over 200 lbs. Rahami is well-known to intelligence sources in Kabul where he has destroyed or badly damaged over 300 dumpsters using explosive devices made from various cooking utensils.
At 5’6” and 200 lbs, Rahami is known in his native Afganistan as the “Corpulent Sheik.” His signature weapon is the common pressure cooker which he uses to cook all his meals. After each attack the nauseating stench of rancid goat flesh permeates the blast zone.
“Rahami should be considered armed and dangerous,” said a CIA operative on condition of anonymity. “The public should at all costs avoid loitering or passing out in dark, filthy alleys behind restaurants and bars.
“And most importantly, if anyone spots a chubby Afghan using a stepladder to wrestle a large unwieldy box or bag into a dumpster under the cover of darkness, they shouldn’t try to help him unless he’s a friend or acquaintance.
“This man is a savage and completely unpredictable,” continued the operative,”thanks to his patented ‘Pashtun Pressure Cookers’ he single-handedly ran Waste Management out of Kabul.”
GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump was quick to condemn the bombings saying, “After that dumpster went up I saw thousands of Arabs cheering outside Clinton Campaign Headquarters over in Brooklyn. Those people just don’t have our values. They’re dirty and don’t appreciate a good trash receptacle.
“After I’m elected I promise no one will dare attack our big, beautiful dumpsters.”
Trump Delegate Still Stuck In Cleveland
CLEVELAND- (CT&P) – Herbert Schicklegruber, Trump delegate from Broward County, Florida, is still stranded in Cleveland weeks after the conclusion of the hatefest known as the GOP convention. Schicklegruber, a political activist from the outskirts of Tampa, was arrested after a party he threw in his hotel room on the opening night of the election.
It seems Schicklegruber and three prostitutes of various sexes went on an all night drug fueled sexual rampage, destroying his room in the process. The police were called after foul-smelling brown water was discovered dripping from the ceiling in the room immediately below.
Schicklegruber told the cops that things got a little out of hand after he got excited during Rudy Guiliani’s speech.
“I dig Rudy,” said Schicklegruber, “and when he said Donald Trump will do to America what he did to New York, well, to be perfectly honest I got a hard-on.”
Things apparently went downhill from there because after the speakers were finished the delegate went into a back alley and procured around $400.00 worth of methamphetamine and the aforementioned hookers.
Schicklegruber told police that he regretted his actions because he was only able to enjoy one night of the convention and he was really looking forward seeing General Flynn foam at the mouth.
Because of his financial situation and extensive record in Broward County, Schicklegruber has so far been unable to post bail and return home. His girlfriend of three weeks, Lou Anne Smegma, has made repeated entreaties to her neighbors in the Kooky Moon Trailer Park where the couple currently live.
“I’ve raised enough to cover my alcohol and cigarette expenses and I’ve put back over $25.00 bucks for Herbert,” said Smegma. “A friend of mine is gonna start a GoFundMe page next week so I hope we can get Herbert out before the election.
“He’d be heartbroken if he couldn’t vote.”
The Cretonia Times-Picayune 