Tag Archives: donald trump

Basket Of Deplorables Object To Being Called Deplorable

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nazi6666

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Representatives from Donald Trump’s infamous “Basket of Deplorables” are expressing their shock and sadness at Hillary Clinton calling them deplorable despite not knowing what the fuck the word even means.

“I’m not quite sure what she was talkin’ about, but I know it’s somethin’ bad,” said Milford Snodgrass of Turdwallop, South Carolina during an interview with Eleven Dead or Alive News.

Snodgrass, a despicable racist with a swastika tattoo on his forehead, is a meth cook and part-time employee of Tractor Supply in Columbia.

“I’m always gettin’ criticized for sayin’ nigger and camel jockey instead of all that politically correct bullshit. As far as I’m concerned they can shove that stuff up their ass. Hell, I’ll do it myself once Trump makes America great again!”

Suzie “Hep C” Muleshaker from Toxic Springs, Florida told CNN that she didn’t know what “deplorable” meant until a friend from a neighboring trailer told her.

“That Hillary bitch is the deplorable one,” she said. “She belongs in jail for all that computer shit and killing all those folks in Europe or wherever it was.

“I think it’s high time we white people stood up for ourselves. We’re being run over by all these lazy violent black folks and the Messicans poring across the border bringing in all that Ebola.

“When Trump gets in office I’m hoping I can get a job down at the wall manning a machine gun or something like that. It’s damn hard makin’ a livin’ around here with all these folks stealin’ our jobs.”

According to Merriam-Webster, there has been huge interest in the word “deplorable” since Clinton made the comment. The online dictionary reports that searches of the word “deplorable” increased by nearly 50,000% over the weekend.

Although he offered no specific information on who was doing the searching, a representative from the company told Rachel Maddow of MSNBC that he was relatively sure they weren’t from the “better educated” demographic.

 

Trump Makes Surprising Bid For Mexico’s Electoral Votes

Posted in politics by

trumpdumb

 

MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – GOP presidential candidate and village idiot Donald Trump is traveling to Mexico to meet with President Enrique Peña Nieto Wednesday afternoon, shortly before the nominee is slated to give another incoherent speech on immigration in Phoenix.

The trip, which Mr. Trump announced late Tuesday and which was confirmed by the office of Mr. Peña Nieto, follows an invitation the Mexican president sent Friday to both Mr. Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, according to Mr. Peña Nieto’s office. The president’s office said the invitation “was well received by both campaign teams.”

Mr. Trump told Wolf Blitzer of CNN earlier today that it was important to make the trip because the election was going to be close and he needed to garner all the Electoral College votes he could.

mussolini

During interviews earlier this summer, President Nieto called Trump “the very embodiment of evil,” and compared him to Mussolini, Hitler, Pol Pot, Satan, and Cthulhu, whose mere countenance is enough to drive men insane.

“I want the Mexican people to know that even though I intend to build a thousand mile 35 foot high impenetrable wall between our countries that deep down I’m a compassionate and reasonable guy and I’ll do my best to find jobs in Mexico for the 16 million men, women, and children I plan to uproot and ship back south,” said Trump, while making weird hand gestures with his minuscule digits.

“I’m confident that once I talk to President Nieto and hold a rally in Mexico City I can convince the population, which is made up almost entirely of criminals, to vote for me so I can grab those all important electoral votes,” said the giant bipedal turd.

GOP strategist and adviser to the Evan McMillan campaign Rick Wilson appeared on MSNBC shortly after Trump’s comments on CNN and told viewers that never in the history of the United States has the country been saddled with such a moronic candidate.

“The man is like a orange chimpanzee on crack,” said Wilson. “Not only is Trump a racist xenophobe who treats women as property, but he’s an imbecile of epic proportions.”

“The only people who would score lower on an IQ test might be his supporters. I’ve seen bovines that were more intelligent. Folks who support this pitiful excuse for a human being will be trying to wash off the stench for the rest of their lives.”

Mr. Trump is scheduled to meet with President Nieto sometime late this afternoon. The exact time and place of the meeting is being kept secret in order to keep gunfire and explosions to a minimum.

 

 

Gingrich Proposes Really Tough Questionnaire To Root Out Terrorists

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Newt-Gingrich

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Former Speaker of the House, former possible running mate for lunatic Donald Trump and former sane person Newt Gingrich has come up with a sure-fire plan to root out terrorists living in or trying to enter the United States.

A simple questionnaire, which quizzes suspect individuals about sharia law and how they feel about it would be an invaluable tool in keeping America safe, said Gingrich during a telephone interview last night with Fox News’ colon rodent Sean Hannity.

“Let me start where I am coming from and let me be as blunt and direct as I can be — western civilization is in a war. We should frankly test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,” Gingrich said.

“Sharia is incompatible with western civilization. Modern Muslims who have given up Sharia — glad to have them as citizens. Perfectly happy to have them next door. But we need to be fairly relentless about who our enemies are.”

Gingrich reiterated his support for the questionnaire this morning at a press conference outside his home in Atlanta.

“Once we implement this strategy and get rid of all the terrorists, we can then use a similar questionnaire to deport black people or anyone else who shows sympathy for the Democratic Party,” said Gingrich, as he scanned the crowd for possible new wives.

So far there has been no comment from law enforcement or the Obama Administration on whether or not Gingrich’s brilliant plan will be adopted.

 

Ryan Still Hesitant To Endorse Giant Orange Turd For President

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paul-ryan

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – House Speaker Paul D. Ryan said Wednesday he will not be rushed into an endorsement of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, tamping down speculation that he was moving toward a declaration of support.

“Look, I don’t have a timeline in my mind, and I have not made a decision,” Ryan (R-Wis.) told reporters summoned to his Capitol office suite. “Nothing has changed from that perspective, and we’re still having productive conversations as part of our agenda project.

“You have to remember that this is the first time in the history of the United States that any party has nominated a turd for president, much less an orange one.

“The Republican Party is brimming with scat of various shapes and sizes. Take the Freedom Caucus for example, it’s loaded with feces, and let’s not forget the elder coprolites who have retired from politics like Newt Gingrich, so we in the GOP know a thing or two about excrement. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around supporting a giant bipedal stool sample for president, that’s all.”

coprolite

Ryan said that he was familiar with GOP turds that had run for president in the past such as Newt Gingrich, but this marked the first time that one had risen to the surface to become the nominee.

He added, “I think it’s important that we discuss the principles we all share in common and the policies that come from them and get a good understanding on those. And that’s the kind of conversations we’re having, as well as trying to teach the dumb son of bitch some basic civics.”

What has made Ryan’s hesitation so profound is the gravity of the issues on which he does not believe he and Trump are simpatico — issues like the constitutional limits on executive powers, which is a focus of the agenda project. “We want to make darn sure that that huge pile of orange poop understands, appreciates, respects and supports the Constitution and the kinds of principles that come with it, and those are some of the conversations we have been having,” he said.

Ryan was pressed on whether the House was preparing plans for the mass deportation of illegal immigrants — a key plank of Trump’s platform. Ryan, who opposes mass deportation and supports a path to legal status for the undocumented, noted that immigration is not part of the agenda project, but like any good Republican he wished there were no minorities in the United States at all, so he believes common ground can be reached.

Issues like trade and immigration that were cleaving the presidential field months ago were deliberately left out of the agenda project, in favor of issues where GOP unity is easier to find, like denying poor people health care, spending as much as possible on the military-industrial complex, and abolishing all regulations on anything other than abortion.

Ryan offered no definitive date as to when he would make a decision.

Support For Trump Surges With Abused Women

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Miss_Universe_2010.sff_s878x583

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Just one day after a “hit piece” in the New York Times about how Donald Trump treats women was published, a new poll suggests that his support among abused women has surged to new heights.

The Quinnipiac/SurveyMonkey poll taken of 1000 current and former beauty queens, victims of domestic abuse, and sex slaves across the United States this morning found that an average of 80% of the abused/objectified woman demographic found Trump attractive. 70% said they would marry Trump immediately if he became available, and 65% said they would have sex with him no questions asked.

russianbeautyqueen

Petra Warmtwatavich dated Mr. Trump for over a week during the Miss Universe Pageant in Moscow in 2013. Warmtwatavich was a hero of the 2008 Russo-Georgian War where she knocked out three Georgian tanks using sticky bombs made from plastic explosive stuffed into silk stockings and coated with Astroglide.

“The article in the Times seems to have really shored up his support among women who are used to being viewed as a piece of meat to be used and discarded,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of SurveyMonkey.

“Women who have had their personalities beaten down to nothing and their lives shattered at the hands of men seem to really dig The Donald.”

Rowanne Brewer Lane, a former model who was featured in the article, told Fox News this morning that the Times spun the information and were out to get a “good man.”

“After the first inspection, in which Mr. Trump carefully examined me from head to toe and probed critical areas for firmness, we got along great. He was a perfect gentleman and was even nice enough to ask if I was on my period before our first date. You don’t run into that kind of caring, sensitive man very often.”

 

Petra Warmtwatavich, Miss Siberia 2012, agreed with Lane.

“Mr. Trump very nice,” said Warmtwatavich. “Mr. Trump have many rubles. I marry Mr. Trump but Petra need more than small American penis can give.”

 

There have been no polls taken yet of the general public or of the all-important married women demographic after the Times piece was published, but pundits believe it will do nothing to help Trump’s huge negatives with women in general.

“Trump is unique in American politics because we’ve never seen such a moronic buffoon reach such heights,” said former Vermont governor Howard Dean on MSNBC. “After this article he’ll no doubt try to go out and play the ‘abused woman’ card, but it won’t get him anywhere. There are simply not enough cases of domestic abuse out there to get him elected.”

 

Republican Party To Unify Behind Exciting New Racist

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ryantrump

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Paul Ryan and Donald Trump released a joint statement today meant to signal their unity following a two-hour meeting on Capitol Hill.

The statement from the presumptive GOP presidential nominee and House Speaker said the two had a “great conversation” and that they were honest over their “few differences” during two hours of meetings on Thursday.

“We will be having additional discussions, but remain confident there’s a great opportunity to unify our party and win this fall, and we are totally committed to working together to achieve that goal,” the joint statement said.
It fell short of an endorsement of Trump by Ryan, who shocked many Republicans a week ago by saying he was not yet ready to get in line behind the man expected to clinch the GOP nomination in coming weeks.
“I’m not quite willing to endorse yet, but I’m sure we can reach some sort of agreement that will allow me to put my core principles aside and get behind this buffoon that the Republican base has decided will be our standard-bearer,” said a nervous looking Ryan.
“After all, what really matters is power.”
Senator Jeff Sessions of what is left of the State of Alabama agreed, saying “I’m excited to have a new and charismatic racist leading our party. He’s brought in hundreds of thousands of new bigots, misogynists and xenophobic kooks into our party, and with his help we can turn back the clock decades, maybe even a century. Together we can make sure no negro ever holds the office of president again. It’s an exciting time to be alive.”
As of this morning no new Republican leaders have endorsed Trump, but most pundits believe that it’s only a matter of time before most members of the GOP put aside their core beliefs, decency and common sense and rally behind the giant orange colon rodent for president.

Guns, Beer And Vomit: Trump Delegates In Custody After Rampage In Death Valley

Posted in environment, politics by

trumpster2

 

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Three men who went on a drunken rampage involving gunfire, vomiting, skinny dipping and the death of a tiny endangered fish in Death Valley National Park are now in custody, officials said today.

The men, now identified as John Ya Ya, John Many Jars, and John Small Berries, are all on the ballot as Trump delegates in the California primary. They were seen on surveillance video the evening of April 30 driving around a secured gate surrounding Devils Hole, a 40-acre detached unit in Death Valley National Park. The habitat is also home to the endangered Devils Hole pupfish.

Once they entered Devils Hole, park officials said the men shot at signs, gate locks and a security system motion sensor. The men fired at least 10 rounds, according to authorities. They also left behind beer cans, vomit, and a “Make America Great Again” trucker’s cap.

During the excursion, one man jumped into the waters of Devils Hole and swam around for a while shouting “Mexicans are rapists!” and “Muslims suck!”

For some reason the man left his pink boxer shorts floating in the water. They are currently being tested for alien DNA.

RedLectroids (1)

Ya Ya, Many Jars, and Small Berries were apprehended on Hollywood Boulevard while hurling empty beer cans at pedestrians and yelling “Make America Great Again” through a loudspeaker mounted on top of their vehicle.

Park officials later found a dead pupfish in the water — one of only 115 that currently inhabit Devils Hole.

Pupfish, which grow to about an inch in length, roughly the size of Donald Trump’s dick, are the tenacious descendants of fish that inhabited an ancient lake that once covered Death Valley.

According to the National Park Service, the pupfish population fluctuates between 100 and 200 in the winter and between 300 and 500 in the summer. The latest population numbers were tallied in a survey last month, park officials said.

“A necropsy is being performed on the pupfish to determine whether the vandals’ actions may have caused the death of this member of an endangered species,” park officials said in a statement.

Investigators are examining the area and reviewing surveillance video footage of the incident.

Park officials said the men not only shot the motion sensor, but also tried to remove cables in an attempt to dismantle the security system, but failed because they were so fucking stupid.

Video footage shows the men climbing over the fence and driving away in a blue Yamaha Rhino, an off-road vehicle.

The vehicle was later pulled over and the three men were arrested while driving up Hollywood Boulevard hurling empty beer cans at pedestrians, officials said.

Officials credit the swift arrest of the men to a tip provided by an anonymous caller who claimed that Ted Cruz was sent by God to rule over America.

The three men face charges of destruction of government property, killing an endangered species by toxic urine discharge, and chronic criminal stupidity.

CIA To Hire Homeroom Teacher For Trump’s Intelligence Briefings

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teacher

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of the CIA John Brennan announced this morning that the agency will be hiring Gladys Ironfist, a homeroom teacher at Stonewall Jackson Grammar School in Lynchburg, Virginia, to give classified intelligence briefings to presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump after the Republican convention in July.

Under a longstanding bipartisan tradition, presidents allow their would-be successors to receive classified intelligence briefings to bring them up to speed on emerging threats around the world. The briefings usually begin immediately after the party conventions, and do not include the top-secret sources and methods.

Mr. Brennan told reporters that the agency believed that Mrs Ironfist would be able to explain the information in terms Mr. Trump could understand.

“We wanted someone who had experience in dealing with insecure, immature individuals without upsetting them or hurting their feelings,” said Brennan. “Mrs Ironfist has proven herself capable handling class clowns, brats, and self-centered little shits over a long an illustrious career.

“We believe she has the patience to deal with someone as clueless and thin-skinned as Mr. Trump, and she’ll throw cold water on any conspiracy theories he may come up with as a result of receiving information that is intended for adults.

“After all, we don’t want the crazy son of a bitch to nuke Luxembourg on his first day in office, do we?”

 

Priebus Still Unable To Locate His Testicles

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reince1

 

WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus has still not found his testicles, according to a report released from the Associated Press this morning.

“We’ve pulled out all the stops to try find his scrotum,” said an aide on condition of anonymity. “I  mean we’ve looked everywhere. At first we thought the Democrats had stolen them, then we searched the offices of everyone in the Freedom Caucus. We even asked the FBI and CIA for help. But so far, no results.”

According to a press release from the RNC, Priebus’ testicles have been missing since last fall, when it became apparent that Donald Trump would be a real contender in the race for the Republican nomination. Without them, Priebus has been powerless to do anything to prevent the GOP from being taken over by a neo-fascist lunatic bent on destroying the Party and the country as a whole.

“It’s getting really frustrating,” said the aide. “Some of us are beginning to think the asshole had no balls to begin with.”

Priebus has vowed to continue the search as long as he is chairman, which won’t be long if things continue as they have been.

Trump To Choose Running Mate With Some Sort Of Knowledge

Posted in politics by

trumpdumb

 

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During a phone interview on MSNBC’s Morning Joe today Donald Trump told host Joe Scarborough that he planned on choosing a running mate who had some knowledge of something.

Trump said that the potential vice president should have at least some understanding of a wide variety of subjects that he knows nothing about, such as civics, foreign affairs, domestic policy, science, and history.

“A running mate should complement the nominee and make up for any deficits he may have,” said Trump, in an attempt to sound presidential.

“I want to find someone who will be loyal to me but at the same time will be able to provide me with information about things that I’ve never thought about before, like governing.

“For example, I’d like someone who knows what a bill is and how to get it passed, what form of government we have, and the functions of the five branches of government we have in this country. I just don’t know much about that kind of stuff.

“I’m much better at acting like a lunatic and spouting crazy conspiracy theories that I read in the tabloids. That’s fine for fooling idiot Tea Party voters in the primaries, but in the general election and if I win the White House, I’m gonna need someone who can actually engage in critical thought if I’m going to get anything done.

When Scarborough asked if he had anyone in particular in mind, Trump was evasive.

“It’s too early to tell at this point. This will more than likely be a long process because we don’t know of anyone crazy enough to accept the job at this point.

“I’d love to choose a current Republican senator or representative, but they’ve proven to the entire country they have no fucking idea how to govern, so I’ve crossed them off the list.”