Tag Archives: donald trump

Creation Museum Unveils New Exhibit

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flintstones1

PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Religious kook and bigot from hell Ken Ham took time off from predicting the imminent destruction of earth at the hands of an all-loving creator today in order to announce the opening of a new exhibit at the Creation Museum.

The exhibit will feature what creation scientists believe is the first automobile made by the hands of man.

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Another creationist archeological team in Italy is confident that it will soon unearth the economy rental that St. Paul drove to Rome.

According to Ham, the vehicle, which he dubbed the “Palestine Cruiser,” was discovered at an archeological dig in Israel. The dig was co-sponsored by the Creation Museum Foundation for Making Cash Off the Weak-Minded and the Jesus Is Coming Back Soon To Kick Your Ass Fund.

Ham claims that the vehicle is the very same one that transported Jesus and three of his disciples (they drew lots and the rest had to walk) from Bethany to Jerusalem.

“The idea that the Son of God would ride a donkey into town is just ridiculous,” said Ham during an interview with Fox News.

“We always suspected that the donkey theory was wrong from the beginning. Some Biblical scholars have him riding on the back of a Velociraptor or T-Rex, but we at the Creation Foundation considered that idea silly. Everyone knows that at that time people only rode herbivores such as Triceratops  or Stegosaurus, although the “Steggies,” as we like to call them, could be rough on the old scrotum.”

The exhibit is set to open on Monday and Ham says that the first week is already sold out.

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Although Ham was disappointed that he was unable to pull the wool over the eyes of Kentucky politicians and claim tax exempt status for his ridiculous Noah’s Ark project, construction continues apace.

“We had hoped to time the opening of the Ancient Auto wing of the museum with the completion of our Noah’s Ark exhibit, but because of cost overruns and the Satanic plot to deny us tax exempt status that project has been delayed,” said Ham. “It seems to be taking us a bit longer than we thought to complete the Ark and place all the stuffed animals inside it.”

In fact, the project is taking over ten times as long as it supposedly took Noah, who according to the Bible was fucking 600 years old when he built the craft and loaded it with two of every species of animal on earth.

Regardless, Ham says that tickets to the exhibit are sold out for a full year after its completion and that Creation Construction LLC is currently breaking ground on a 1000 room hotel and casino in Petersburg so that he can house the weak-minded twits that come to see the abomination.

“Like Donald Trump says, there’s one born every minute,” concluded Ham.

 

El Chapo Announces For President; Joins Already Crowded GOP Field

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MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – El Chapo Guzman, Mexican radio personality and part-time cartel leader, paused during his escape yesterday to announce that he was throwing his cap in the ring for president of the United States.

Guzman embarrassed Mexican authorities on Sunday by slipping into a shaft through the shower floor of his prison cell and escaping through a mile-long, ventilated tunnel outfitted with a motorbike.

Guzman paused at the end of the tunnel long enough to tell reporters that he was joining the presidential race in the U.S. because he felt that someone needed to do something about the millions of illegal immigrants pouring over the border into America each year. He also hopes that he will be able to facilitate trade “of all sorts” between the United States and his native Mexico.

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In less than 24 hours Guzman has raised more cash than any of his rivals in the GOP field. “He’s definitely got the Benjamins to make this a real horse race,” said Charles Krauthammer.

“I’ve been worried about the problem of illegal immigration for many years,” said El Chapo, as he calmly executed members of his tunneling staff because they failed to air condition the escape shaft. “The failure of Congress to come up with a comprehensive immigration bill is an embarrassment to both parties, and something has to be done.”

Guzman’s entry into the race on the Republican side has raised some eyebrows with law enforcement but most Republican pundits around the country see it as a positive development.

Charles Krauthammer told Fox News viewers that “Guzman’s entry into the race will be a positive thing for the party. His outstanding organizational skills and determination to get things done, even when faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, will serve him well. I also think that his generosity towards the poor will soften the face of the GOP, which as we all know suffers from a lack of empathy for anyone who makes less than $250,000 per year.”

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Guzman campaign posters are already going up all over the country. They are designed to appeal to America’s oppressed minorities as well as members of the NRA.

Former U.S. drug enforcement officials said they had feared Guzman would quickly retake control of the Sinaloa cartel, which reaches deep into the United States and far around the world. They were relieved to hear that he will only be joining the current bunch of crooks currently running for president.

Barry McCaffrey, former director of the U.S. Office of National Drug Control Policy and an NBC News analyst, said Guzman would probably not leave Mexico unless he wins the nomination.

“He’s safest there,” McCaffrey said on Today. “I mean, entire police departments have been bought, along with hotel and casino chains formerly owned by Donald Trump. I think he’ll hang tight until his poll numbers rise.”

The entire Mexican army and federal police force, as well as numerous local agencies, are currently searching for Guzman. Officially his whereabouts remain unknown despite the fact that he was seen having coffee at the Ritz Carlton Mexico City this morning with General Antonio “Montana” Hernandez.

 

Something Stupid This Way Comes: Jeb Unveils Five Year Plan For Economic Nirvana

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MANCHESTER, N.H. – (CT&P) – GOP frontrunner Jeb Bush unveiled his subjugation-based economic plan yesterday during an interview with the New Hampshire Union Leader, the first-in-the-nation primary state’s most read paper.

The plan, dubbed Prosperity Through Oppression, calls for poor people to work longer hours, reduce their caloric intake, and move to hovels located along railroad right-of-ways so that large corporations and wealthy Americans can make more money.

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Jeb is said to have come up with his economic plan during a late night tequila-shooting session with his brother “W”

The theory is that when the rich get more money in their hands they will invest it in new companies that will provide subsistence level jobs for America’s poor and the rapidly dwindling middle class.

“It’s a win-win,” said Bush. “The less fortunate will be able to get off their lazy asses and work 18 hours per day while living on a diet of cheap carbohydrates and fat, foods that the wealthy in this country tend to avoid. If we can limit their caloric intake to around 800 calories a day, well then they’ll lose unwanted pounds, be healthier, and save us a ton of money on medical expenses while building a better society for the 1%.

Labour Force Work Under Difficult Conditions To Complete Commonwealth Games

Bush’s plan calls for 100% employment of poor people down to age five, thus freeing up time for the 1% to boost the economy by purchasing luxury goods

“Research done by scientists in Germany has proven that people can work up to 20 hours per day with very little sleep or food and still be productive,” continued Bush. “Now we Republicans aren’t scientists, in fact most of us aren’t even capable of critical thought, but I think in this case they’re right because their conclusions coincide with our archaic economic policies.”

When asked how his plan differed from his closest rival Donald Trump’s, Bush explained that Trump inherited his money and had no clue how to build a business like the Bush family did.

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Bush said that economic research has proven that long hours combined with low caloric intake can boost the economy by as much as 4%

“Trump’s plan is clearly bigoted,” said the “intelligent” Bush. “He wants to build a wall and liquidate all the Mexicans who try to get over it, while deporting any Hispanics currently living in the United States, thus freeing up jobs for white people. My plan treats everyone equally. We intend to work all poor people into an early grave regardless of their race, creed, or color.

“We have to remember that America’s premier intellectuals recommend a combination of trickle down economics combined with stone-age austerity when things start to slow down. If you don’t believe me just go to Brietbart or The Blaze and read up on it like I did.”

When asked what he would do with trash that refused to work 90-100 hour weeks, Bush said that they would be rounded up and placed in camps surrounded by concertina wire and German Shepherds.

“If nothing else they can make bullets and proximity fuses that we’ll need once we invade Iran,” said Bush.

Trump Losing Support Of Hispanic Unions

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Donald Trump’s latest comments regarding diseased Mexicans coming over the border and raping our white virgins has caused an exodus of what was left of his Hispanic base.

President Carlos “The Schlong” Fernandez of the Mexican Rapist’s Union told CNN that because of Trump’s insensitive comments the union would reluctantly be withdrawing its support for Trump for the Republican nomination.

“We were willing to ignore the comments Trump made when he announced, because we were counting on all those wonderful jobs he would have created for us building his ridiculous monuments to himself, but this stuff about disease is just too much. All of us Mexican rapists are clean. In fact, we worry about picking up something that won’t wash off every time we rape a young white woman. You guys have some nasty ass stuff floating around up here.”

Juan Castro, vice president of the Hispanic Murderers and Drug Dealers Association also announced that his organization would be pulling support for Trump and putting all its money behind Dr. Ben Carson.

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Scientists have repeatedly pointed out that one has a better chance of being devoured by a shark than falling victim to a crime committed by an illegal alien, but one must consider that these are scientists talking. Can we really trust them?

“Anyone who believes in Noah’s Ark and thinks humans walked around with dinosaurs is cool with us,” said Castro. “If we can elect a president that is that stupid, well then, we ought to be able to pillage the United States without fear of retribution. I mean, it’s like Lewis Black says, the guy thinks that the Flintstones is a fucking documentary. What a dumbass!”

Charlotte Mulebutt, president of the non-profit advocacy group Diseased Central American Kids Without Borders, pulled her support of Trump as well.

Ms Mulebutt, who claims to be Hispanic despite being the firstborn child of an Eskimo couple in Alaska, told Fox News that “As much as we like Donald because of his solid record on foreign policy issues, we can’t support a nominee that would prevent our filthy, plague-stricken, Ebola ridden children their God-given right to spread disease around the United States.”

Although one stands a better chance of being eaten alive by a shark than to be the victim of some maniacal illegal bent on evil, Trump’s wild statements seem to have hit a chord at least with the Neanderthal wing of the GOP. The Donald has garnered the support of many in the Tea Party despite the fact that most of them cannot spell his name correctly.

Trump is currently second in many polls trailing only the “smart” member of the Bush family.

When asked for comment, Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager is reported to have said, “Our hope is that this will not hurt Trump’s chances of being in the Fox News debates, although they’ll no doubt be a scream with or without that idiot. We can’t wait.”

 

 

Wealthy Primate Escapes Central Park Zoo; Claims He’s Running For President

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donaldtrump

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – An oversized ape escaped Central Park Zoo on Tuesday and lumbered up Fifth Avenue to Trump Tower where he announced to a crowd of well-wishing Homo sapiens that he would be throwing his hair in the ring for the Republican nomination for president. He told the fawning humans that if “all of those other ignorant beasts” could run then he could too, and he was rich enough to make it happen.

The ape, nicknamed “Donnie” by his caretakers at the zoo, promised the crowd that he would stop the flow of “subhuman Mexicans” crossing the border by building a huge wall around the United States that would keep out anyone who was not rich and white.

He also stated that he would be the “greatest jobs simian that God has ever created” and had a secret plan to defeat ISIS about which he was extremely cryptic except for a bizarre reference to a new chain of casinos and hotels located around the Persian Gulf.

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After “Donnie’s” announcement he went outside and climbed to the top of Trump Tower and fought off biplanes sent by the Mexican Air Force to kill the bigoted and offensive beast.

“Donnie” then went on an incoherent diatribe which made very little sense to any of the paid witnesses to the event, but was praised as one of the “great orations of our time” by the functional illiterates on Fox News and on many right-wing hate radio stations across the country.

Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who became visibly aroused when he heard about the announcement, invited “Donnie” on his show last night and fawned over the candidate for a full hour, asking him softball questions and rewarding him with bananas and other fruits when “Donnie” answered with the correct right-wing gibberish.

Hannity later told aides that he had not been this excited about a guest since he almost had his first man-on-man sexual experience with Cliven Bundy a few months ago.

Most pundits give “Donnie” a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the nomination because he is after all a “damn dirty ape.” However, a few brave souls say it is possible because the GOP field is made up of such a strange assortment of species that it might be inevitable that a subhuman wins.

 

 

 

 

Donald Trump Wins ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award For Third Year In A Row

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Donald Trump has won the coveted ‘Giant Bipedal Hemorrhoid’ Award for the third year running, according to a spokesman for the billionaire Pirhana Brothers, the libertarian captains of industry who sponsor the yearly award. The award is usually given to the conservative politician or pundit who makes the most outrageous and offensive comment to the press.

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Doug and Dinsdale Pirhana are well-known libertarian industrialists from America’s heartland who fund politicians and causes that benefit our country’s most wealthy citizens

Having won the award in recent years for his idiotic comments concerning President Obama’s birth certificate and his illegitimacy as president, Trump went into this year’s race confident of his chances. However, he was given a run for his money by several seasoned morons renowned for their ability to spew remarks charged with racial hatred, xenophobia, sexual insecurity, and religious quackery.

As the deadline for contest entries approached last week, Trump was in a dead heat with such luminaries of ignorance as Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Fox News personalities Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly.

However, Donald used his “trump” card masterfully at the last moment when he tweeted “Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days—now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE!”

The statement catapulted Trump into the lead, and he followed it up with a devastating tweet the following day: “Stop the EBOLA patients from entering the U.S. Treat them, at the highest level, over there. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!”

Doug & Dinsdale Piranha

In this photograph from the late 60’s, Doug and Dinsdale can be seen just prior to throwing a turkey leg into a group of workers they just laid-off and releasing a Bengal tiger into their midst

The spokesman for the Pirhanas told the A.P. that after those two tweets,  “Doug and Dinsdale were so impressed with Trump’s complete lack of compassion and empathy that there was no question who the winner was going to be. Although it has been a long spring filled with racial hatred and xenophobia on the right, particularly as regards those kids at the border, Trump was the hands-down winner again this year.”

The spokesman went on to say that Trump’s performance has been so superb this year that he could be in the running for a number of other Pirhana awards, such as the Huge White Penis Head Trophy for the most racially insensitive statement, the Kill Kill Kill Kill Kill the Poor Award for the most degrading comment concerning the nation’s homeless, the Ken Ham Memorial Huckster award for the most ludicrous statement in pseudo-science, and the Lifetime Achievement Award for Religious Hypocrisy, given for the most mean-spirited statements made during a career by a quasi Christian leader while evoking the name of Jesus of Nazareth.

Trump was his usual modest self as he accepted the sought-after prize. “I’d like to thank Doug and Dinsdale for this great honor and congratulate them on the wisdom and intelligence they have exhibited by selecting me as the winner. I am obviously one of the most obnoxious and idiotic hemorrhoids to ever walk the planet.”