Tag Archives: dr. javad zarif

Iranians Balk At Written Agreement, Reserve Right To Incinerate Tel Aviv

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hydrogenbomb2

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – (CT&P) – In a surprise move that stunned diplomats trying to hammer out a nuclear agreement that would curtail Iran’s efforts towards producing a bomb, Iran’s chief negotiator Dr. Mohammed Javad Zarif announced at this morning’s meeting in Luasanne that Iran would not sign a written agreement regarding nuclear enrichment.

John Kerry

Secretary of State John Kerry is said to be in deep depression after this morning’s announcement. “He was such a nervous wreck he had trouble finishing his latte,” said one reporter.

“My government would prefer a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ guaranteed by a handshake with U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry,” said Zarif. Zarif went on to explain that in the agreement Iran would retain the right to nuke Tel Aviv or any other major Israeli city “whenever we damn well please.”

The announcement has thrown the negotiations into complete turmoil, with some journalists reporting that Secretary of State John Kerry has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown.

The announcement has left negotiators from the western nations outraged and completely fed up with the entire process.

France’s lead negotiator Dr. Pepé Le Pew told Reuters that “I’ve spent years of my life working on this fucking agreement and I tell you I’ve had it. I’m going home to my wife and mistress and enjoy a decent meal and a bottle of wine. This bland Swiss cuisine sucks!”

chamberlain_1938

“At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them,” said German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier

German Foreign Minister Frank-Walter Steinmeier told a reporter from Der Spiegel that he never wanted to see another Iranian as long as he lived. “At least the Führer had the decency to sign agreements before he broke them. These Iranian sons of bitches are just plain cuckoo!”

U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry was said to be in deep depression, with one journalist reporting that he had retired to his hotel suite as he was barely able to function.

Talks are set to resume tomorrow morning in an attempt to beat the Tuesday afternoon deadline, but few hold out the hope that the two sides will come to an agreement.

“I think the odds of our reaching an acceptable agreement are roughly equal to those of Mike Huckabee being elected president,” said an aide to the secretary of state. “We’re basically fucked.”

 

GOP’s New Pen Pal Dr. Javad Zarif Sends Gift Certificates To U.S. Senators

Posted in humor, politics by

iranminister

TEHRAN – (CT&P) – Iranian Foreign Minister Dr. Javad Zarif dropped by the Revolutionary Guards Memorial Martyr’s Post Office in downtown Tehran this morning to mail 47 letters to Republican senators, according to a source inside the Iranian Foreign Office.

wilecoyote

A well-placed Republican insider told the Post that watching the Republican leadership in action was like watching Wile E. Coyote demonstrate how gravity works. In response, a perpetually confused Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) said “That’s silly. Gravity is nothing more than a giant hoax perpetrated on the American people just like evolution, climate change, and homosexuality.”

The source, who wished to remain anonymous lest he be thrown into a pit full of starving dingos, told the Tehran Somewhat-Free Press that Dr. Zarif was pleased that the senators were taking an interest in foreign affairs looked forward to educating them regarding the U.S. Constitution and political system.

Dr. Zarif, who has a masters and PhD in international relations from the University of Denver and two other degrees from San Francisco State University is considered much better educated and knowledgeable than just about any current Republican officeholder.

The letters are said to contain a copy of the U.S. Constitution, a brief overview of the unintended consequences of the Iraq War (the worst foreign policy blunder since the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution), a coloring book featuring countries in the Middle East, and gift certificates for McDonald’s ‘Happy Meals.’

“Dr. Zarif hopes that this info packet will help educate the senators and allow them to make more informed decisions before they start undercutting their president and allies in the middle of nuclear negotiations,” said the unidentified source. “Dr. Zarif included the gift certificates so the senators would be rewarded for learning new things. It’s a method we use in Iran to encourage kids to become better educated, and we thought it might work for Congress as well.”

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In his spare time Senator Cotton satisfies his blood lust by slaughtering innocent deer and water fowl.

Senator Tom “Go Hawgs” Cotton’s letter to Iranian leaders, signed by 46 other Republican senators, initiated the historic exchange of correspondence.

Cotton’s letter, written in purple crayon, complained that President Obama would not let GOP senators borrow his toys or let them “play with him and his foreign friends,” so anything that Obama told the Iranians was just “made up stories.”

The letter also claimed that Obama was a “real meanie” who sometimes called the senators names, and threatened that if the President didn’t start playing nice, Senator Cotton would call his friend Bibi who would “beat him up.”

Cotton had hoped that the letter would cement his position as leader of a group of politicians that are hell-bent on starting a war with Iran. To his dismay however, the letter was met with shock and disbelief by almost every adult in D.C. and across the nation, and was seen by most pundits as another blunder made by a group of petulant children masquerading as statesmen.

A Republican insider told the Washington Post that “If these idiots will stop shooting themselves in the foot every five minutes we just might have a shot at winning the White House in 2016, but at this rate no one in their right mind will vote for any of these kooks. It’s depressing as hell.”