Tag Archives: evolution

Recent Polls Suggest Up To 50% Of Registered Republicans In Need Of Legal Guardians

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Two recent surveys taken by Public Policy Polling indicate that up to fifty percent of registered Republican voters may be in urgent need of legal guardians. The polls were taken of 1000 registered GOP voters between February 20th-25th.

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The two polls strongly suggest that almost all members of the Tea Party are so inept that they need legal guardianship

In the first poll, which asked the simple question “Do you believe in evolution or not?” a 49% plurality of Republicans said that they do not. The second poll found that a breathtaking 57% of Republicans want to establish Christianity as the official national religion. Only 30% of respondents rejected the idea.

Not surprisingly, the polls found that most of those who rejected evolution and supported a national religion also supported the quasi-intellectual Dr. Ben Carson for president, a lunatic who believes the earth is only 6000 years old.

Tom Jenson, director of Public Policy, was disheartened but not surprised by the results of the polls.

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Pundits have suggested that Dr. Ben Carson, who many of those surveyed support for president, may be a Red Lectroid in disguise. “No one who graduated from medical school can be as stupid as this guy appears,” said Chris Matthews. “I think the dude could be an alien.”

“Look, we knew ahead of time what kind of folks we were dealing with here,” said Jenson. “I mean a good portion of these people believe that Obama is Lucifer in disguise, for Christ’s sake. What do you expect?”

“But this level of idiocy is beyond anything I’ve ever seen. These people reject science in any form, until they get sick or need to make a phone call, that is. Furthermore, they are apparently unable to either read or understand the Constitution, a document they purport to hold sacred. They want to return to some kind of pre-Enlightenment theocracy. They’re nuts!”

Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute went even further.

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Professor Hikata recommended that improvements in elementary and secondary education might help solve some of the problems we now face from voters on the right

“These people pose a threat to themselves and all those around them. We don’t think they should be allowed to drive, raise kids, or vote in national elections. They really need constant supervision. I just don’t know if we will be able to recruit enough sane people to keep an eye on them and make sure they don’t hurt themselves. I haven’t seen this kind of threat to the Republic since Red Lectroids from the 8th Dimension by way of Planet 10 tried to takeover back in the mid 80’s.”

Public Policy promised an extensive analysis and follow-up on the results of the polls and plan on making some recommendations to the Obama Administration on how best to avoid the situation in the future. At this time the advice centers around improving elementary and secondary education in the United States particularly in the areas of science, history, and civics so in the future we won’t have to have to deal with a large portion of the public that does not know its ass from a hole in the ground.

 

 

Latest Polls Show America Not Yet Ready For Democracy

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After analyzing the results of a new Pew Research Center poll conducted just last week, experts have concluded that the United States is not yet ready for a democratic form of government. The finding is particularly troubling considering the midterms are less than one week away.

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Dr. Black cited the rise of the Tea Party as one symptom of the overall decline in American education. “After all, do we really want people who have no clue how to spell their own signs going to the polls? I don’t think so.”

“It looks as if we are in real trouble,” said Dr. Frank Black, who headed the Pew Research team. “There are just too many people out there who don’t possess enough innate intelligence to function in everyday life, much less determine their own fate by voting for their own representatives.”

“We found that only 32% of Americans believe that evolution is ‘due to natural processes such as natural selection,’ and fully one-third of Americans are so stupid that they utterly reject the theory of evolution and believe instead that humans ‘have existed in their present form since the beginning of time.'”

“And that is only one example,” continued Black. “The American public’s lack of basic scientific knowledge is mind-boggling.”

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Dr. Black said that when a state elects an ancient Aztec snake god as governor, we are in real trouble.

“Only 20% of Americans believe in the ‘Big Bang,’ only 50% believe in climate change, and an overwhelming number of Americans want to ban incoming flights from Africa because of the Ebola crisis when most American citizens have no fucking clue what a virus even is.”

“Hell,  do you realize that fully 40% of Americans think that they are going to be lifted up into heaven in some sort of Rapture event? It’s really depressing.”

“The state of affairs is equally miserable when it comes to progressive government policy. America has had to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century as regards gay marriage, equal pay for women, immigration, and sane firearms policies.”

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Dr. Black suggested that a benign dictator would best be able to clean up America and get us back on the right track.

“Given the recent track record, whole swathes of the United States should really not be allowed to vote,” said Black. “The rise of the Tea Party to prominence in recent years should make that obvious. Take Texas and Florida for example. When a one state elects a dolt like Rick Perry and the other an ancient Aztec snake god as governor, we have real problems.”

Dr. Black suggested that since America was not yet ready for any type of representative government that possibly the best alternative would be some form of benign dictatorship.

“If we could get someone in the White House who would dissolve Congress and ratchet up public education to at least Third World standards, then that would be a good start,” said Black. “The money is there if we could just redirect it. Instead of invading Muslim countries every other week, we could use some of those trillions to teach our offspring some basic science, civics, and history. It will be a long, hard slog, but I think the future of North America depends on it. After all, do we really want half of our kids believing that we are being observed by aliens in UFO’s? I don’t think so.”

Xenomorphs For Jesus Organization Files Libel Suit Against Ken Ham

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Claiming that Jesus came to LV-426 at least two decades before he visited earth, Frederick “Freddie the Face-Hugger” Falcone, president of the popular Xenomorphs For Jesus religious organization, told reporters that they planned on “suing the crap out of that dullard Ken Ham for his blasphemous article” on the Answers In Genesis website.

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President of Xenomorphs For Jesus “Freddie the Facehugger” Falcone appeared more than a little pissed off about the article Ken Ham published on Sunday

In the article which ran Sunday, creationist Ken Ham said that the U.S. space program is a waste of money because any alien life that scientists found would be damned to hell.

“I’m shocked at the countless hundreds of millions of dollars that have been spent over the years in the desperate and fruitless search for extraterrestrial life,” said the unhinged Ham.

Ham argued that “secularists are desperate to find life in outer space” as a part of their “rebellion against God in a desperate attempt to supposedly prove evolution.”

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Falcone told reporters that Jesus was “patching up injured xenomorphs” twenty years before he began his ministry to the dinosaurs in Palestine

“Life did not evolve but was specially created by God, as Genesis clearly teaches. Christians certainly shouldn’t expect alien life to be cropping up across the universe,” he continued. “Now the Bible doesn’t say whether there is or is not animal or plant life in outer space. I certainly suspect not.”

But regardless of whether there was life in outer space, Ham asserted that it could not be truly “intelligent.”

“You see, the Bible makes it clear that Adam’s sin affected the whole universe. This means that any aliens would also be affected by Adam’s sin, but because they are not Adam’s descendants, they can’t have salvation,” he explained. “Jesus did not become the ‘GodKlingon’ or the ‘GodMartian’! Only descendants of Adam can be saved. God’s Son remains the ‘Godman’ as our Savior.”

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Falcone also told reporters that “Ham is one ugly son of a bitch, even for a human. He’d look a lot better with an infant attached to his face.”

“What  a load of horseshit!,” said Falcone, in response to Ham’s article. “This guy talks out of his ass all the time and some of you idiot humans are actually gullible enough to believe him. No wonder so many alien species view you guys as a bunch of hicks who only yesterday climbed down out of the trees.”

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Falcone spoke to reporters from Our Lady of the Dripping Saliva Christian Bookstore on LV-426

“How the hell could a guy with the IQ of a turnip make any assertions regarding intelligent life on other planets? And another thing, this dude should be limited to radio frequencies. I’ve seen better looking beings living in the swamps on Planet 10! I mean, what’s with that fucking beard?”

“What the hell is he mumbling about ‘GodKlingon, GodMartian, Godman? Has Kentucky issued this lunatic a driver’s license? God help the bastards that have to share the road with this moron.”

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Dr. Robert “Ugly Motherfucker” Bates, an orthodontist and founder of The Fellowship of Christian Predators, told Reuters that they also were preparing a lawsuit against Ham. “Jesus visited our home world over a century before he ever made to your wimpy-ass Milky Way Galaxy,” said Wilson.

“This village idiot Ham should realize that every fucking sentient being in the universe knows about evolution. Only a dumb ass would deny its existence,” said Falcone.

Falcone went on to tell reporters that Jesus had indeed visited LV-426 and had many followers there.

“At first we just thought, ‘Hey, what is that dude doing walking across that lake of liquid methane? Is he on dope or something?’ But then we started to take notice when it became apparent that he could breathe pure nitrogen and started turning rocks into edible protein paste for wedding parties.”

“But the clincher was when Our Lord survived having his chest busted by one of our infants after being cocooned for three days. I mean, he just popped up healthy as a horse! After that he began to get quite a following here, and is still quite popular today. There are more Christian churches on LV-426 than temples dedicated to Cthulhu, for example.”

When reached for comment, SETI spokesman Dr. Frank Black said “Ken Ham is an example of what happens to a dude when he loses his virginity at age 34 with an aboriginal prostitute. He’s a frustrated mental midget who craves attention. Ham is basically a modern-day snake oil salesman who preys on mentally deficient individuals by trying to convince them of things that are so bizarre as to be laughable.”

“One thing is for certain. We don’t have to worry about finding any intelligent life in Petersburg, Kentucky,” chuckled Dr. Black.

Since the lawsuits are just now being filed, no one can really predict which way they will go, but lawyers representing the two groups feel that given the current climate at the Supreme Court, any pro-Christian lawsuit, no matter how ridiculous, has a good chance of winning.

 

New Science Poll Finds That Four Out Of Ten Americans Are Ignorant Twits

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SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – A new Associated Press-GfK poll taken in March of this year has found that almost half of the U.S. population is either mentally deficient or highly delusional. The AP-GfK Poll was conducted March 20-24, 2014, using KnowledgePanel, GfK’s probability-based online panel designed to be representative of the U.S. population. It involved online interviews with 1,012 adults and has a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 3.4 percentage points for all respondents.

Instead of attempting to test the public’s specific scientific knowledge, which would no doubt have led to a series of suicides in the academic community, the poll asked “the folks” to rate their confidence in several statements concerning science and medicine.

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The poll found that many Americans are imbeciles and should not be allowed to reproduce or even drive motor vehicles

The results were depressing.

The poll found that fully forty percent of Americans were skeptical of the settled scientific facts represented in statements about climate change, evolution, the age of the earth, and the Big Bang.

“Science ignorance is pervasive in our society, and these attitudes are reinforced when some of our leaders are openly antagonistic to established facts,” said 2013 Nobel Prize in medicine winner Randy Schekman of the University of California, Berkeley.

The poll found that whenever scientific fact bumped up against religious belief and blind faith, faith won the day. Alan Leshner, chief executive of the American Association for the Advancement of Science, said that in the general population “most often values and beliefs trump science” when they conflict.

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Drs. John Bigboote, John Yaya, John Many Jars, and John Small Berries of Yoyodyne Labs have done extensive testing on human belief systems

According to the poll, confidence in evolution, the Big Bang, and the age of the earth rapidly decline as faith in a supreme being rises. The poll also found that evangelical Christians express much greater doubt about scientific concepts they see as contradictory to their faith.

Equally alarming to many scientists was the confidence that many Americans expressed in bizarre conspiracy theories. Fully twenty percent of Americans expressed confidence that George Bush orchestrated the 9/11 attacks, the moon landings were faked, and President Obama was in league with Satan, while discounting evolution as part of a “commie plot” to poison the minds of young schoolchildren. The poll also found that many Americans express a deep distrust of photosynthesis, the freezing point of water, and the concept of entropy. Nine percent of Americans believe that the refrigerator light stays on when you shut the door.

Interestingly, not all scientists were surprised or depressed by the poll.

Dr. Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems told reporters that “This poll reflects what we have found in our research at our facility over in Grover’s Mill. Careful examination of you monkey boys reveals that, despite having a huge prefrontal cortex when compared to other species on this miserable rock, on the whole you are apt to believe in imaginary beings who make things happen and punish the unrepentant.”

“It’s really quite bizarre,” said Lizardo. “Your species has experienced this great leap forward in technology over the past few centuries that has made life easier for all of mankind and greatly increased the average lifespan of humanoids. Countless discoveries have improved living conditions all over the planet.  All of this progress has been made thanks to the advancement of science and reason, but you guys still insist that evolution is a plot and the world was created 7000 years ago by a dude floating up there in the ether somewhere.”

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Dr. Emilio Lizardo was not surprised by the poll’s findings. For years he’s been telling any being who would listen that the average American’s grasp of science is “for shit”

“But we Lectroids are not complaining,” continued Dr. Lizardo, “this ‘blinkered Philistine pig-ignorance’ will only aid us as we secretly produce our oscillation overthruster so we can finally get our butts off this rock!”

The scientists who analyzed the results of the poll offer little hope for progress in the near future, but some did see light at the end of the wormhole.

“Look, you don’t run into many people around the world who still worship Zeus or Jupiter,” said Dr. Frank Black. “I think that in time we can reduce the number of folks who orient their lives around fairy tales and scary bedtime stories, and it is absolutely imperative that we do if we want to continue to thrive as a species.”

Dr. Black concluded by saying, “People should remember and take heed of Victor Stenger’s famous quote: ‘Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.'”

 

 

Christian Right Joins Forces With Animists And Luddites To Fight “Voodoo Science”

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Ross McMakin, a native of Panama City Beach, has been hired as DAFT’s spokesman

WASHINGTON (CT&P) – Answers in Genesis, the American Family Association, Hobby Lobby Inc., and a primitive Amazon rain forest tribe have joined forces to combat the lies and “Voodoo Science” being spread by Neil deGrasse Tyson on his show Cosmos. They will be joined by the Flat Earth Society, the Amateur Gynecologist’s League, and the Mississippi River Wideners Club in an all out fight against reason and science for the hearts and minds of the American people.

The new organization, known as DAFT, held a press conference in Washington, D.C. earlier last month to voice their concerns. The newly appointed spokesman for the group, Ross McMakin of Philomath, Oregon, explained the goals of the organization to an eager crowd of journalists from around the country.

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Chief Fred wowed journalists with a primitive version of PowerPoint in order to get his point across

“DAFT has been formed to fight the heretics around the world that want to teach our kids lies about the nature of the universe and the age of the earth,” said McMakin. “The teachers and scientists that promote Satanic ideas like evolution, the ‘Big Bang,’ and photosynthesis cannot be allowed to drown out the voices of blind faith and adherence to archaic value systems.”

McKakin took a swig of Rebel Yell and then continued, “We intend to stamp out the influence of science and societal progress wherever it rears its ugly head!”

McKakin then yielded the podium to “Fred,” chief of an Amazon rain forest tribe living in the remote jungles of Brazil. Fred’s tribe, dubbed the Luddites by the Brazilian press, has lived happily in the tangled “green hell” and fever-ridden swamps of triple-canopy rain forest for centuries.

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“Fred” took advantage of the trip to D.C. to jet over to East Africa and visit relatives and fellow animists at a seaside resort

The Luddites exist without any type of modern convenience except for two dozen pair of Michael Jordan sneakers that fell out of  the luggage compartment of a commercial aircraft during the 1980’s. They hunt, fish, and party the same way their ancestors did at the dawn of human civilization. The Luddites have a strict moral and religious code that is characterized by the worship of inanimate objects and the enthusiastic ritual sacrifice of any hominids that are not of their tribe.

Their life expectancy is roughly 26 years of age.

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“Fred” had a big change of heart after being exposed to modern technology. He is seen here only two weeks after the press conference addressing the U.N. on the problem of deforestation.

Although “Fred” could only communicate verbally with a complicated jumble of guttural grunts and high-pitched clicking sounds, he used a sand table and a stick to try to get his point across. “Fred” drew a picture of the earth circling the sun and then crossed it out and urinated on it. Then he erased the flawed conceptual piece and proceeded to draw the sun circling the earth. After he finished he smiled and grabbed his private parts while nodding his head up and down.

Journalists in attendance seemed to grasp the point “Fred” was making and were eager to ask questions of the newly appointed spokesman Mr. McMakin, since no one had the patience to wait around for another of “Fred’s” masterpieces.

A reporter from Skeptic Magazine asked McMakin, “Look, what I am curious about is that you folks reject the findings of scientists on several fronts such as the age of the universe, evolution, and climate change, but you are perfectly willing to use the tools that scientists have provided us with such as improved health care, computers, smart phones, etc. It seems you folks want to ‘cherry pick’ science for what is useful to you and your religion and trash the rest. Are you guys just insecure or what? What’s up with that?”

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Not everyone agrees with DAFT’s stance on science and technology. Chief Franklin of the “What’s Happening Now” tribe, who live in on the next block over from the Luddites, says Fred “is so full of shit his eyes are brown.”

At this point McMakin abruptly ended the press conference giving the excuse that he was late for a spousal abuse party and had to go pick up his girlfriend. “Fred” seemed willing to stay as he was enjoying the air-conditioned building and the free mimosas but the reporters expressed no further interest, so everyone left.

It remains to be seen what effect if any DAFT will have on public education or insightful and informative television shows such as Cosmos. As Thomas Huxley famously said:

Extinguished theologians lie about the cradle of every science as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules; and history records that whenever science and orthodoxy have been fairly opposed, the latter has been forced to retire from the lists, bleeding and crushed if not annihilated; scotched, if not slain.

 

 

 

 

 

Eight-Year-Old “Not Surprised At All” That She Is More Intelligent Than Members Of The South Carolina State Senate

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COLUMBIA-Little Jenny Newberry of Spartanburg, South Carolina thought her idea was simple and straightforward. Since South Carolina is one of only ten states that does not have an official fossil, why not make the Columbian mammoth, whose fossilized teeth were first found in a South Carolina swamp way back in 1725, the official state fossil? The idea made perfect sense to her and a group of her colleagues in the third grade at the We Have The Good Sense To Believe Irrefutable Scientific Evidence When It Is Placed In Front Of  Us Elementary School in Fernwood. However, the group of young, idealistic intellectuals did not take into account the trouble the idea would cause in the Le Brea tar pit of ignorance that is the South Carolina state senate.

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Alabama wants to make an old copy of the Ten Commandments its state fossil

Upon hearing of the heretical idea, Republican state senators Kevin “Dimwit” Bryant and Mark “Doofus” Simpleton sprang into action. They quickly attached an amendment to the proposed fossil bill that included a thank-you note to God for creating the animal kingdom on the sixth day of his universal construction project. The dubious and offensive amendment included a direct quote from the book of Genesis in the Old Testament.

“We thought it would be a good time to thank the creator for his excellent work on the Columbian  mammoth and other extinct species created at around the same time,” said Bryant. “We are still not quite sure why God would create a beast only to have it go extinct, but as you know most of us ignorant hicks attribute to God that which we cannot understand. You know he really works in mysterious ways.”

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Florida officials believe that a rusty nine millimeter handgun would best represent culture in the “Gunshine State”

State Senator Mike “I Am Sometimes” Fair, another Republican, does not support the amendment in its current form. “I don’t think it’s right to single out the Columbian mammoth among all the extinct species that once roamed the earth,” said Fair. “I am currently working on a list of every extinct species we have any evidence of, including intelligent elected officials. I plan to add the entire list to the current bill, which would make the bill a little over 9,000 pages long. We need to be thorough, otherwise the Good Lord could get pissed off and send a tsunami to wipe out Myrtle Beach.”

The controversy in the South Carolina senate has spawned  legislative chaos across America. States are scrambling to rewrite “fossil laws” to better represent their religious majorities. For example, a bill in the Alabama legislature replaces the current state fossil Basilosaurus cetoides with a “really old” stone carving of the Ten Commandments dug up during the construction of Victoryland Greyhound park near Montgomery. Florida is considering making the rusty remnants of a nine millimeter handgun found on Miami Beach its state fossil, and West Virginia has already begun the process of digging up Robert C Byrd in order to put his fossilized remains on display within the rotunda in Charleston.

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Arizona, always the maverick, is bucking the trend by making Senator John McCain its official “living fossil”

For her part, little Jenny Newberry and her friends have completely ditched the state fossil idea. They have moved on and decided to form a think-tank in Spartanburg devoted to the remedial education of South Carolina’s elected officials. “I really did not expect all this hubbub,” said Jenny. “I realize that these guys are not the brightest of bulbs, but one would think that they could pass a simple bill designating a state fossil without having to overcome a veritable maelstrom of stupidity. However, this is just the kind of blinkered Philistine pig ignorance I’ve come to expect that non-creative garbage in the state senate. They sit there on their loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads and not giving a tinker’s cuss for the average third grader struggling with existential concepts. One can only hope that this bunch of political cretins will one day be extinct themselves, because I really don’t hold out much hope for future generations with this crowd in charge.”