Tag Archives: Florida

Governor Scott Calms Fears Of Nervous Floridians

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TALLAHASSEE – Governor Rick Scott of Florida held a press conference this afternoon to assure his constituents that they would be protected from “storm vultures” in the aftermath of Irma, which is expected to give the entire peninsula a weather enema over the weekend.

Governor Scott is widely believed to be a direct descendant of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god.

“I fought hard to prevent poor Floridians from obtaining life-saving health insurance when Obamacare was enacted, and by God I’m not going to let our citizens be taken advantage of by people coming in from out-of-state to do unlicensed repairs to homes or businesses!” said Scott, as he ate a late lunch of fried infant.

“Anyone coming into our great state with water, food, generators, battery-powered vibrators, or a skill set that might help and who doesn’t have the proper paperwork will be arrested and thrown in prison, unless they happen to be black, in which case they’ll be shot on sight.”

When asked how long the licensing process would take so the people of Florida could take advantage of the services of people from surrounding states, Scott bristled and his scales appeared to change color.

“As long as it takes to make sure we fuck up the less fortunate and the middle class,” said a clearly irritated Scott.

To his credit, Scott sacrificed dozens of migrant farm workers in an attempt to please the gods and change the track of the hurricane.

 

“I’m a Christian first and a Republican second, and that means money talks and bullshit walks. If anyone wants to make a sizable donation to one of my political action groups then we can talk. Otherwise he can file for the proper permits and wait until hell freezes over to sell goods and services to people who desperately want them.

“Fuck ’em!” screamed Scott, as his bare cranium began to sweat blood.

“People get the wrong impression about the GOP; we love government when it controls vaginas, black people, hard-working immigrants and people we don’t want to make money, so I’m telling anyone who wants to come in here from out-of-state to help and make a little cash in the process, think twice asshole!

 

“I’m the only one who is allowed to rip off innocent people in this state. Just ask the guys who prosecuted me for Medicare fraud.”

 

 

Governor Scott To View Eclipse From Top Of Pyramid In Blairsville, Georgia

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TALLAHASSEE – Florida Governor Rick Scott will join Georgia Governor Nathan Deal and other prominent Republicans atop a recently constructed pyramid in the small north Georgia town of Blairsville, according to a statement released today by the Governor’s Office, confirming rumors swirling around Tallahassee in recent weeks.

Governor Scott is widely believed to be a direct descendant of the Aztec Snake God Quetzalcoatl, which explains his complete lack of empathy and hostility towards the poor and minorities.

Although the purpose of the trip was not made clear in the statement an aide to Scott, speaking on condition of anonymity, told the Tallahassee News Journal that Scott intends to sacrifice an illegal immigrant agricultural worker at the moment of total eclipse.

“As you know, Governor Scott is a direct descendant of the Aztec Snake God Quetzalcoatl, and it’s a tradition that during a total eclipse, a priest or holy man such as the Governor rips out the still-beating heart of a captive and presents it as an offering to the Sun God Huitzilopochtli in an effort to appease the angry deity,” said the nervous and sweating aide.

The aide went on to say that the recent disappearance of several migrant workers in and around the capital were victims of Scott’s practice sessions.

“He wants to make damn sure he gets this right, because he’s going ask Huitzilopochtli to smite the poor and minority residents of Florida so he won’t have to fucking worry about them anymore,” said the aide, who began to moan and chant in a dead language before collapsing to the floor.

 

Florida Governor Rick Scott Says ‘We Are Hoping For The Best And Preparing For The Worst’ For 113th Time In 24 Hours

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TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – At a press conference outside his bunker deep beneath the governor’s mansion, Florida Governor Rick Scott, surrounded by military and government officials who appeared to have been hypnotized, told reporters this morning that authorities were “hoping for the best while preparing for the worst” for the 113th time in less than 24 hours.

Pundits and pol watchers believe this sets a record for a governor saying the same fucking thing over and over again.

“We think this breaks the record set my Governor Brownback of Kansas when he said ‘a rising tide lifts all boats’ 75 times in just three days as the state’s economy went in the toilet,” said Chris Hayes of MSNBC.

“Tea Party governors in particular tend to repeat the same phrase or sentence over and over and over again in hopes that the populace is ignorant enough to buy the bullshit they’re selling.

“This situation is really not that different; Scott is trying to convince the residents of Florida that he has some grasp of what the fuck is going on, which has never been true.”

Sunshine State Shocker: Governor Rick Scott Puts Human Life Ahead Of Cash

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TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – In what pundits are calling the biggest about-face in political history, Florida Governor Rick Scott has suspended fees on all toll roads in the path of Hurricane Matthew.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said an incredulous Susan McManus of the University of South Florida. “Throughout his private and public life Governor Scott has been a money-grubbing bastard the likes of which the world has never seen. No way I’m believing Scott is putting human life ahead of cold hard cash.”

“This is the same man who oversaw the greatest Medicare ripoff in history,” said McManus. “I mean he went to every extreme to screw taxpayers and line his own pockets when he was running Columbia/HCA. He was known informally as “the king of fraud” within the healthcare industry.

“It was even rumored that he had people disemboweled on some kind of weird altar when they refused to go along with his schemes. I just find it hard to believe that the bastard is not trying to cash in on this hurricane. Someone needs to check out this toll booth scheme. I guarantee there’s something in it for Little Ricky.”

At a noon press conference an official from the Florida Division of Emergency Management clarified the toll road situation by saying that only white people or registered Republicans would be exempt from toll fees. All others would have to show a special identification card to use the roads.

The official said that the cards would be available free of charge at all Florida DMV offices provided the applicant presented a birth certificate and 14 other forms of identification.

 

FEMA Director Warns Florida Residents Hurricane Matthew Even More Dangerous Than Governor Scott

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of FEMA Craig Fugate held a press conference this morning and announced that Hurricane Matthew posed a grave threat to life and limb along the east coast of Florida. He warned that Matthew had the potential to be even more destructive than Florida Governor Rick Scott, one of the most catastrophic leaders the state has ever seen.

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Governor Scott, a descendant of the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl, regularly sacrifices immigrants on an altar in the basement of the governor’s mansion.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but Matthew could cause even more heartache and loss than Governor Scott’s disastrous six-year reign of terror,” warned Fugate. “We just can’t afford to underestimate the power of this storm. If we get a direct hit it could kill more people than Scott’s refusal to expand Medicaid.”

Fugate also warned that the destruction of property could be even worse than that caused by Scott’s mule-headed refusal to believe in climate change, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“This storm could do more damage to the great State of Florida than Scott’s redistricting amendments and his attempts to deny black folks the vote combined,” said an emotional Fugate, who hails from the Gunshine State.

“Everyone should take this storm seriously and evacuate to safer, more stable areas such as Georgia or Somalia. Haven’t we suffered enough in recent years?”

Governor Scott could not immediately be reached for comment on Fugate’s remarks as he was busy conducting a human sacrifice in an attempt to appease the Aztec goddess of storms, Chalchiuhtlicue.

Florida Governor Rick Scott Pledges To Personally Eradicate Zika Mosquitoes

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TALLAHASSEE –  (CT&P) – Florida governor and ancient Aztec snake god Rick Scott held a press conference this morning and pledged to take action to eradicate Zika mosquitoes invading the Miami area.

Frustrated by the inability of President Obama and Congress to take decisive action Governor Scott, known as Quetzalcoatl or “Feathered Serpent” to his inner circle, promised the residents of Florida and Greater Cretonia that he would personally fight the mosquitoes by adjusting his diet and feeding schedule.

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When Governor Scott was growing up in Tenochtitlan over 1000 years ago he became famous for keeping the entire district free of harmful insects.

In recent years Scott has almost exclusively consumed the infant offspring of illegal farm workers kept as slaves in Florida’s godforsaken panhandle area. Scott usually devours one baby or toddler per month.

However, as part of his new plan to contain the mosquito-borne virus Scott told reporters that he would start eating insects again like he did when he was a young snake.

“I used to eat thousands of flying insects, roaches, grasshoppers”, you name it,” hissed the Governor. “I’ll forego eating kids for a few months until this crisis passes. It’s the least I can do for my constituents.”

So far there has been no reaction from the CDC on the new plan.

Ancient Aztec Snake God Endorses Fascist For President

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TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – Florida governor and all around despicable human being Rick Scott endorsed Donald Trump for president today. “With his victories yesterday, I believe it is now time for Republicans to accept and respect the will of the voters and coalesce behind Donald Trump,” Mr. Scott said in a post on Facebook.

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Governor Scott said he would have liked to endorse Trump in person but was feeling lethargic after devouring an illegal Mexican agricultural worker from central Florida and two infants left on the steps of the governor’s mansion to try to placate the climate denying tyrant.

 

 

The governor lamented the fact that he could not address the press directly on this matter, but said he was unable to do so because he was feeling lethargic after suffocating and devouring an infant this weekend during his once per month feeding session.

Scott, known to his intimates as Quetzalcoat, or “feathered serpent,” made clear his rationale: that the party will rip itself to shreds trying to stop someone with a clear path to the nomination.

“Ripping people to shreds is an activity that should be limited to state houses and governor’s mansions, and should only be done under the cover of night,” said the reincarnated Aztec deity.

“If we spend another four months tearing each other apart, we will damage our ability to win in November. It’s time for an end to the Republican on Republican violence and concentrate on tearing out the hearts and livers of minorities, illegal aliens, and their small children,” he wrote.

“It’s time for us to begin coming together, we’ve had a vigorous primary, now let’s get serious about taking over this country and turning it into a hell on earth.”

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Human sacrifice of political opponents has been one of the more effective strategies Scott has used to consolidate power in Florida.

Scott responded to several comments that were critical of the governor backing a fascist asshole for president.

“Fascists have always gotten a bum rap as far as I’m concerned,” stated Scott.

“There’s a great deal to be said for intimidating a nation’s population through the use of concentration camps, perpetual war, and human sacrifice.

“I think if we all work together we can elect a man who will be universally despised by both the citizens of the United States and all the countries of the world. I can’t wait.”

Tips For Surviving Your Summer Vacation

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GAINESVILLE – (CT&P) – The large number of shark attacks off the coast of North Carolina in recent weeks naturally has the vacationing public nervous about entering the water during their yearly vacations this summer. However, some common sense precautions can help you or a loved one from becoming a meal for a hungry shark while you visit the superheated waters just off the tourist trap hellhole you’ve chosen to visit during your brief once-a-year break from your soul crushing job that is leading nowhere.

While the odds of being attacked remain small even in the shark infested waters off North Carolina, you can minimize them further by heeding a list of survival tips compiled by George H. Burgess of the International Shark Attack File at the Florida Museum of Natural History, the University of Florida.

•           Always stay in tightly packed groups of 50 to 100 individuals, and move around like a herd of zebras as this confuses most sharks. Man-eaters are much more likely to attack a solitary individual or one who is sick or wounded. Always keep elderly people and children at the outer edges of the group as they can be used to hold the shark’s attention while the herd reaches safety on the beach.

•           Do not wander too far from shore—this isolates you and additionally places you far away from assistance when one of your limbs is torn off and the water around you turns crimson.

•           Avoid being in the water between the hours of midnight and 6 A.M. after drinking all night. These are the hours when sharks are most active and have a competitive sensory advantage because it’s fucking dark and you are blind drunk.

•           Do not enter the water if you have just severed an artery, are losing blood because of huge tumors in your colon, are menstruating to beat the band, or have running sores all over your skin caused by a virulent form of venereal disease picked up on your last trip to southeast Asia—a shark’s olfactory ability is acute.

•           Wearing shiny jewelry such as your $10,000 Rolex or diamond rings is discouraged because the reflected light resembles the sheen of fish scales. It’s a much better idea to leave these dangerous items on your beach towel.

•           Avoid swimming in waters with known effluents or raw sewage and those being used by sport or commercial fishermen, especially if there are signs of bait fishes or feeding activity. Diving seabirds are good indicators of such action. It’s always a good idea to avoid lounging around in waters filled with chum, fish blood, or the remains of last week’s shark attack victims.

•           Sightings of porpoises do not indicate the absence of sharks—this is reality, not Flipper, you fuckwit.

•           Use extra caution when waters are murky and avoid uneven tanning and bright-colored clothing—sharks see contrast particularly well. It’s always best to sunbathe and swim nude, especially if you are a healthy young woman between the ages of 18 and 24.

•           Refrain from excess splashing and beating the water while screaming “I don’t want to die!” over and over again. Do not allow pets in the water because of their erratic movements-Fido makes a tasty snack for a 12 foot Great White.

•           Exercise caution when swimming in areas with nicknames like “Bloody Bay”, “Carnage Cove”, “Dismemberment Beach”, and “Abattoir Shores.” Avoid resort cities with an inordinate number of prosthetic surgeons in the phone book.

•           Do not enter the water if sharks are known to be present, you idiot.  Evacuate the water if you see a swarm of sharks approaching you, even if they appear friendly. If you do encounter a shark up close, don’t harass or hurl epithets at him. Sharks are sensitive and may react violently to unwarranted criticism.

Dr. Burgess says that the only way to be absolutely sure of avoiding an attack is to stay away from the fucking water. However, if you follow the simple rules outlined above you’ll greatly reduce the odds of being eaten alive or losing a limb while enjoying the one time per year you get to forget that life is just a series of depressing events that lead inevitably to your death.

F-35 Lands Without Bursting Into Flames

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HURLBURT FIELD – (CT&P) – Officials from Eglin Air Force Base announced today that an F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter landed successfully yesterday without loss of life or destruction of the aircraft.

The F-35 had been participating in a joint operation with the Walton and Bay County sheriff’s departments called “Operation Buzzkill,” a program that provides constant patrols of area beaches to insure that visitors do not have too good a time during their visit to the Gulf Coast.

Rose pigs on Pacific ocean Guatemala beach near Monterico.

Bay County sheriff’s deputies constantly patrol the “World’s Most Beautiful Beaches” to make damn sure no one has too much fun

“Operation Buzzkill is a forward-looking program that is designed to crush the joy out any young people who think they can come down here and ruin our pristine beaches by smoking a joint, drinking a beer, or God forbid having premarital sex,” said Sheriff Frank “Lard Ass” McKetchup of Bay County.

“We conduct round the clock foot patrols with our few deputies that are not morbidly obese, and the rest of them cruise the strip looking for suspicious activities such as smiling or clowning around. The military takes up the slack with Blackhawk helicopters and jet aircraft armed with miniguns and Hellfire missiles so we can stop trouble before it starts.”

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Beach arrests have plummeted since Operation Buzzkill went into effect mainly because everyone is too fucking scared to go out on the beach

“Buzzkill” has been hailed as a great success by both sheriff’s departments and beach arrests are at an all time low, possibly because everyone is now too terrified to walk outside.

USAF General Buck Turgidson explained that the F-35 in question was one of the first to be used in the program because it is one of the first to be able to fly more than a short distance without malfunctioning and plunging into the sea.

“The original patrol was scheduled for a full hour, but we had to cut the mission short because it was getting warm outside and as we all know F-35’s spontaneously combust when they get too hot,” said the general.

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General Turgidson told reporters that the successful landing was a watershed moment and marked the first time a F-35 mission was completed without massive loss of life.

“Besides, thunderstorms were forecast on the afternoon in question and electrical activity can cause the computer systems on board the plane to go haywire. When this happens pilots don’t have any idea where the fuck they’re going so they just have to punch out and hope the plane crashes into some inanimate object. So we thought it would be best to abort the mission and try to recover the aircraft and the pilot intact.

“I think the main thing to remember here is that we’ve finally managed to land one of these flying washing machines without losing the pilot or demolishing any nearby apartment buildings. I call this a win-win for the air force and the sheriff’s department!”

 

 

 

30-A Moronathon: Idiot Cyclist Dismembered By Idiot Teen In SUV

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BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, FLORIDA – (CT&P) – Yet another cyclist was needlessly slaughtered on Hwy 30-A in South Walton this morning when a barely functional FSU cheerleader annihilated a moronic cyclist traveling east toward the dark and desolate bowels of nearby Bay County, cradle of cretinism.

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Bike paths along 30-A and other roads near the beach have become more congested since the Green Initiative was adopted to transport tickets and court documents from cases against people actually using the beach to have fun.

Authorities have confirmed that Ms Airhead was texting her football player boyfriend with the results of a recent test for syphilis while lumbering along at over twice the speed limit in her Dad’s 6,000 lb leviathan of an SUV.

According to reports, Ms Airhead swerved to avoid a squirrel and plowed directly into Bernie Numbnuts, a women’s studies professor from Yale who, like so many of his fellow cyclists, steadfastly refused to use the multimillion dollar bike path three feet to his right but instead always insisted on risking his fucking life by sharing the two lane road with miscreants like Ms Airhead.

“The road belongs to us cyclists too, and drivers just need to be patient,” Numbnuts was fond of saying before he was subdivided into seven separate pieces of unrecognizable protoplasm.

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This is not the first time Ms Airhead has been involved in a vehicle on bike collision. Last year she butchered five cyclists and injured dozens of others during the Annual Dumb Ass Cyclist Pub Crawl along U.S. Hwy 98.

After hearing of this latest in a long series of debates between gigantic rolling environmental nightmares and completely unprotected pompous ass cyclists dressed in cutoff wetsuits designed to show off their scrotums, Walton County Sheriff Michael Adkinson remarked, “It’s the height of dumbassery going on down thar at that thar beach. We may be a bunch of ignorant redneck hicks up here in DeFuniak Springs, but at least we know better than to try to share the fucking highway with a bunch of nitwits who never should be behind the wheel anyway.”

Former governor and current presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, who lives just down the street from where the accident occurred, took the opportunity to call a press conference and complain about the use of bicycles in areas clearly designed for the use of internal combustion engines. He also said that all cyclists were gay socialists and “were almost all certainly going to Hell anyway.”

No charges are expected to be filed against Ms Airhead as a result of her sausage-making activities because her father is a wealthy lawyer with contacts inside the Florida Republican Party.