DEAR MILLIE is a trademarked feature of The Cretonia Times-Picayune

DEAR MILLIE: My husband and I relocated to the Florida panhandle from Portland, Oregon about two years ago. The area is nice enough and the climate and Gulf views are just superb. However, the native population is highly unusual in a variety of ways. After we moved in we were warmly welcomed by our new neighbors and were invited to several parties, which we of course attended.

We noticed a variety of odd things going on with these folks from the beginning, such as massive consumption of the cheapest beer available, an obsession with NASCAR, and an inability of any of these folks to hold down a job anywhere but Walmart or the local dog track. Their idea of culture is a wet t-shirt contest outside a condemned mobile home. Almost every family in our neighborhood has at least one relative in prison or on probation. Most disturbing of all however, is the almost universal hatred of all minorities and President Obama in particular. They constantly refer to him as “that Muslim negra.”

All of this goes on despite the almost ubiquitous presence of churches in the area. There seems to be a church on every corner. They come in a bewildering array of sects and species but none deviate from the basic southern Baptist theme of “do and say what you want except for one hour each Sunday.” We have tried to fit in by gaining a great deal of weight and subjecting ourselves to repeated blows to the head in order to reduce our IQ’s, but we are still uncomfortable with the culture here.  We have even thrown a few parties of our own to try to “fit-in.” We always invite the whole neighborhood over for beer and snacks, but invariably the sheriff’s department has to visit. After the events we have to clean up syringes and used condoms from every nook and cranny in the house. We also notice more and more of our belongings missing and we’re not really sure if it’s our guests or the cops that are taking them. Millie, can you help us? Please weigh in!

UNHAPPY IN PANAMA CITY

DEAR UNHAPPY: I’d love to weigh in. Firstly, you and your husband must have had some sort of mental defect already if you willingly moved from Portland into a quagmire of ignorance like Panama City. What’s up with that?

Secondly, better people than you and I have tried for decades to figure out what is wrong with Florida and its denizens. I am personally convinced that the mosquito-spray trucks down there are loaded with some type of nerve agent that stunts the growth of the prefrontal cortex and amygdala during early childhood development. This would explain some of the absolutely asinine behavior we see all across Greater Cretonia. Did you know that there is a yearly week-long debate in the Florida legislature over whether or not pet stores can dye Easter bunnies’ fur different colors? That’s of course just the tip of the iceberg.

Florida has long been a seething cauldron of vacuous imbecility in both politics and daily life. The culture there resembles some sort of malevolent vortex which sucks in every shred of intelligence and spits out archaic religious practices and preposterous governmental policies. My advice to you is to get the hell out of there while you can. If it is any consolation, the whole sordid mess will be covered with seawater in the not-to-distant future anyway. If you get out now you can at least save your investment. I hope this advice helps. Please don’t blow it.

Yours with sympathy,

MILLIE