Tag Archives: Florida

Sunshine State Shocker: Federal Law Enforcement Authorities Manage To Do Something Useful

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florida

ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”

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Marcus “Tyrannus” Paella, Obersturmfuhrer and trailer owner

The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. They actually believe what they hear from Fox News pundits and Tea Party candidates. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”

Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

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Christopher “Scrotum Face” Brooks

The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”

After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.

“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

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Richard “Swamp Nazi” Stockdale

Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.

Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

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Diane “Hepatitis C” Stevens

According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.

The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.

Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Editor’s Note: This article was reprinted from January 8th of this year because I am feeling too damn lazy to write today. Besides, I have to repair a leaky toilet before it falls into the crawlspace and releases hundreds of giant hostile scorpions from the depths. I have not bothered to check on the status of any of these morons, but knowing Florida they are probably still walking around free and are planning on hopping the next Greyhound to Murphy-if they can read, that is.

Florida Governor Rick Scott Said To Be Experimenting With Peyote

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rick55

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to the Scott reelection campaign told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis yesterday that the governor experimented with several types of hallucinogens while on a state-funded visit to Central and South America last week.

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Governor Scott is widely believed to be the product of a union between Dr. Timothy Leary and the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl

Governor Scott surprised lawmakers and constituents alike by taking time off from his official duties of denying black people the vote and derailing Medicare fraud investigations to hurriedly plan the trip just after the Hobby Lobby decision came down from the Supreme Court.

The tour was ostensibly taken in order to promote business and cultural exchange between Central and South American countries and the state of Florida. However, aides to Governor Scott told Snetterton-Lewis that Scott took the opportunity to visit several remote Indian tribes deep in the rain forest in order to observe and in some cases take part in religious rituals conducted by some of the most popular and sought-after shamans in the region.

Almost all the events that Scott attended included the ritual consumption of hallucinogenics or dissociatives administered by tribal elders or priests in order to help the participant achieve a higher plane of reality or deep meditative state.

“He really had one hell of a good time on that trip,” said an aide, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “In fact you could say that he had several excellent trips within the larger overall trip.”

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While in South America dabbling with a little Peruvian torch cactus, Scott met a conservative-leaning witch doctor named Marvin. Scott was so impressed that he plans on making Marvin director of youth outreach at his new church.

The purpose behind Scott’s bizarre behavior only came to light after Snetterton-Lewis found another aide willing to talk about Scott’s long-term plans in case he loses the upcoming election to Democrat contender Charlie Crist.

Having had a bad experience in the health care business (600 million in Medicare fraud) Scott apparently plans to found his own church based loosely on a conglomeration of different mystic religions and voodoo cults. He plans on building a mega-church near the Ebro Dog Track just outside Panama City Beach, Florida, where he hopes to attract a congregation of wealthy business owners seeking to deny all medical care to their employees.

“It’s his way of giving back to the corporate interests that have funded his campaigns and slush funds used to push through legislation that hurt the average citizens of Florida,” said the aide.

Sources say that the name of the new religion has not yet been determined, but possibilities include The First Church of SCOTUS, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Tumors, and Our Lady of the Untreated Carcinoma.

Scott has however, decided on a slogan that he thinks will really attract the kind of congregation he is courting:

“Doctors? We don’t need no stinking doctors!”

 

 

 

 

Florida Cretin Kidnaps Daughter To Save Her From Horrors Of Modern Science And Education

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florida

SUNRISE, FLORIDA (CT&P) – A nationwide cretinhunt is now underway for a Megan Everett, a Florida mother who kidnapped her daughter in order to prevent her from being vaccinated and learning about black history. The woman and her daughter, Lilly Everett, have been AWOL since May 6th, and are thought to be in hiding with like-minded creatures somewhere in the U.S.

On May 19, Broward Circuit Judge Michele Towbin Singer issued a warrant for Everett’s arrest on charges of custodial kidnapping, interference with court-ordered custody, and concealing a minor contrary to a court order. Federal authorities became involved when it became evident that Everett had crossed state lines in order to avoid prosecution on the state charges.

Robert Baumann, the girl’s father, told the The Orlando Sentinel that he had planned to have his daughter Lilly vaccinated so she could enroll in preschool, but that Everett objected to that plan.

“She found this new idea that vaccines are horrible,” Baumann said. “I think she wanted to keep her from being vaccinated because that would keep her out of day care.”

“One of the issues we had was, she wanted to home-school my daughter,” he added. “I didn’t want that to happen. She didn’t want Lilly to learn about black history. She just wanted her to learn about the Confederacy.”

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This snapshot taken of Ms Everett visiting her orthodontist just before the kidnapping has been distributed to law enforcement agencies across the United States.

Court documents suggest that the reason Everett didn’t want her daughter studying black history is that she had become involved with a man named Carlos Lesters, who is described as “a Confederate-flag-waving gun enthusiast” with family in Georgia and Kentucky. When authorities contacted Lesters, he informed them that she was gone “and not coming back.”

Federal authorities have concentrated their search for the two in areas that have completely rejected science and reason in favor faith and superstition, such as the U.S. House of Representatives, Virginia’s 7th District, and various Tea Party strongholds across America.

The NSA is keeping close watch on kooky anti-vaccine websites for any mention of the cretin and her three-year-old daughter. FBI agents have been dispatched to the headquarters of several large anti-vaccination organizations to interview key personnel, but so far the agency has been frustrated by the total lack of logic and intelligence they have faced.

“Have you ever tried to have an intelligent conversation with any of these kooks?” said Agent Bill Nye during a recent interview with CNN. “The internet has been a great invention for the most part, but my God, sometimes I think you ought to possess at least a minimum IQ to be allowed to use it. All of these dullards get on the web and they become convinced that President Bush orchestrated 9/11, we really didn’t go to the moon, and Hillary Clinton stormed our compound in Benghazi. It’s ridiculous.”

“What is really confusing about this case is, if the woman wanted her child to grow up to be a dim wit with no access to health care, then why the hell did she leave Florida in the first place? It’s downright puzzling.”

So far no leads have surfaced in the case but authorities are confident that the two will eventually be found. Agent Nye told CNN that “the mother can hide for a while, but in the end we’ll find her. This level of stupidity can’t go unnoticed forever.”

 

 

 

President Obama Offers Full-Time Positions To FIFA Referees

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Obama speaks about the sequester in Washington

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) -During a press conference at the White House today, President Obama offered full-time jobs with the TSA to all the FIFA officiating crews currently working the World Cup in Brazil.

Citing a “level of incompetence not often seen outside Washington D.C.,” the President told reporters that “rarely have a group of individuals shown such a consistent lack of ability to do anything right despite years of training and experience, and that’s a valued trait among government employees.”

“No way these guys belong on a soccer pitch,” said the President. “Their rightful place is in government, with others of their own kind. Personally I can’t think of a more perfect fit than within the Transportation Security Administration.”

Although the World Cup has just begun, the ineptitude and lack of proficiency of the FIFA referees has been on display for the entire world to see. Few doubt that most of the officiating teams will be in dire need of employment by the time the tournament ends just over a month from now.

However, there is no guarantee that the refs will accept President Obama’s job offer. The State of Florida has also bid on the services of the bumbling and confused officials.

“Florida is always in need of dim-witted and spiteful state employees,” said Governor Rick Scott. “I think we can find room for them within our bloated and inefficient department of corrections, for example. I think that crew that made of shambles of the Mexico-Cameroon match would make great probation officers.”

Several other states have made bids on the services of the referees, so they will no doubt be able to pick and choose where they end up. It looks like they could be wreaking havoc anywhere within the continental United States after the World Cup is over.

 

Jay Carney Narrowly Escapes Guillotine, Sentenced To Permanent Exile In Florida

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Carney-Frown1

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – In a press release this morning, the White House announced that Jay Carney would receive a permanent stay of execution if he agreed to spend the rest of his natural life within the borders of the State of Florida. President Obama announced Carney’s resignation on Friday and told reporters that a change had been in the works since April, and that a decision would be made over the weekend concerning the fate of the long-suffering press secretary.

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Both Carney and Shinseki barely managed to avoid the fate that awaited so many scapegoats of past administrations

Sources close to Carney told our reporter, Bruce “The Coyote” Becker on Saturday that Carney simply could not take the pressure anymore. “The incessant barrage of moronic questions about imaginary conspiracies finally got the best of him,” an official said, on the condition that he remain anonymous.

On Wednesday, Carney, General Erik Shinseki, and their families will be placed in a special sealed Amtrak train from D.C. to Jacksonville, Florida. The train has been dubbed the “Scapegoat Express,” and has been used by former administrations to get rid of troublesome bureaucrats, buxom secretaries that got too bossy, and other individuals that threatened to become embarrassments to various presidents and cabinet officials.

If they survive the journey on Amtrak, they are to be transferred from Jacksonville via Greyhound Bus to Panama City in the panhandle, a region ruled by county sheriffs, hoteliers, uneducated public officials, probation officers, and Bible-thumping rednecks.

Our anonymous source told “The Coyote” that “Carney should consider himself lucky. You never hear another word from most press secretaries that resign do you? That’s because they are shipped off to CIA ‘black sites’ and are ‘disappeared’ along with their loved ones.”

Another source told us that despite the cesspool of political backbiting and inertia that is  D.C. politics, “there is one place that the two parties can find common ground, and that’s blaming underlings for scandals and mistakes. When an individual accepts a political job it’s understood that ‘the buck’ stops well below the elected official, and lower level employees better fall on the sword or they risk life and liberty. Just look at Chris Christie if you need an example. He’s still in the mix because he took swift action to blame everyone but himself for that bridge fiasco.”

Sources say that both Carney and Shinseki will receive a small percentage of their retirement packages until they are able to find jobs at motels or fast food joints along the nearby coastline, practically the only source of income available to anyone who moves to the area.

 

New Evidence Suggests Standardized Testing Is Turning Our Kids Into Gay Nazis

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gayhitler

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – Is your son obsessed with annexing the Sudetenland while wearing a dress? Does your daughter want to dye her hair blonde and buy a Subaru Forester? Do your kids look longingly to the east every spring while mumbling something about lebensraum? If so, they could be the victims of standardized testing, according to Florida state representative Charles Van Zant.

In a recent video, Rep. Van Zant (R-Keystone Heights) warned of the danger posed by standardized testing in general and the Common Core testing regimen in particular. He told a group of Common Core detractors that tests from the American Institutes of Research or ‘AIR’ were designed to “turn our kids gay.” Mr. Van Zant, known as ‘Kooky’ to his colleagues in the Florida House of Representatives, told a gathered audience that the new Common Core tests have been designed specifically to “attract every one of your children to be as homosexual as they possibly can.”

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American Family Association radio host Bryan Fischer is a good friend and confidant of Rep. Van Zant

“These tests,” said Van Zant, “are the most monstrous conspiracy to be perpetrated on our kids since the communist plot to flouridate our water just after World War II. The American Institutes of Research, who designed these malevolent tests, pretend to be a legitimate educational testing company. In reality, AIR is a shadowy organization of homosexual Nazis that have been hiding in Brazil since their parents fled Germany in 1945.”

“With the help of my good friend Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, I have been able to uncover this plot and with the help of Almighty God and our friends on the Supreme Court we will stop these evil servants of Satan.”

Mr. Fischer, right-wing radio personality and Director of Issues Analysis for American Family, was one of the first intellectuals to link gay activism with the Nazi party. According to Fischer, the Nazi party was loaded with homosexuals. “Just as the homosexual stormtroopers for Hitler were to exterminate and eliminate the opposition and beat them into silence, that’s what homosexual activists want to do today,” Fischer said last year, in one of his many rants on the subject.

When questioned by reporters about how a standardized test could be used to “convert” kids into homosexuality and turn them into National Socialists, Rep. Van Zant cocked his head and appeared to be listening intently. Then he responded, “Norman says that the tests make our kids double-minded. The Bible says a lot about being double-minded,” Van Zant said. “These people who will now receive $220 million from the state of Florida, and unless this is stopped, the tests will promote double-mindedness in state education.”

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‘Spiny Norman,’ a giant invisible hedgehog, has been Rep Van Zant’s friend and adviser for many years

Later, the thoroughly confused journalists were informed by one of Van Zant’s handlers that “Spiny Norman” is actually an invisible giant hedgehog that accompanies Representative Van Zant everywhere he goes. ‘Norman’ offers analysis and political advice to Van Zant and has been doing so since he was a small child.

Mr. Van Zant’s next appearance will be at the Jacksonville Civic Center in June, where he will discuss the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Admission is free.

Cretins Gone Wild In Florida Trailer Park!

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killdozertitle

ST AUGUSTINE-Last week Ana Maria Mareta Folch finally had enough of the succession of “sketchy” tenants living in an adjacent trailer in Festering Wound RV Park, located in beautiful Melanoma Beach, Florida. She somehow obtained a key to the offending property and convinced a heavy equipment company to come demolish the trailer and its septic tank with a bulldozer. Since it is much easier to legally destroy property in Florida rather than to construct it, the demolition company obliged her post-haste.  The only problem is that Ms Folch did not own the trailer, which is now spread all over the lot along with the malodorous contents of the septic tank.

When the owner of the trailer home arrived to see the results of Ms Folch’s “community cleanup” she promptly called the St. John’s Sheriff’s Department who dispatched deputies to the scene. The unhinged Ms. Folch was arrested and charged with criminal mischief.

Commander Chuck Mulligan told reporters that, “It’s difficult to understand what goes through people’s heads when they concoct these schemes. I’ve been in law enforcement 27 years and back in the ‘good old days’ we used to have more simple and straightforward crimes to deal with. Nowadays these idiots run around cooking up all sorts of weird scenarios along with their conspiracy theories and their methamphetamine. Florida used to be a nice place to live, but in the past twenty years or so, it seems that everyone in the country with an “L” stamped on his forehead has moved in. Thank God I only have three more years before retirement.”

Ms Folch was unrepentant about the entire thing. “I did the neighborhood a great service. That bitch has been renting that trailer out to all types of wing nuts and freaks since she bought the thing back in 2006. The most recent group of nutballs flagrantly ignored the CC&R’s by playing classical music and jazz all day long and having philosophical discussions on their deck after dinner. If I ever hear another debate on existentialism I’ll go insane. One idiot read the entire text of Fear and Trembling to a group of college students over the Easter holiday. If anyone ever mentions Soren Kierkegaard to me again I’ll beat the shit out of him! Either/Or, Neither/Nor my ass!”

Ms Folch has been released on $10,000 bond and is currently awaiting trial in her 1985 29-foot Puma Travelmaster. She told reporters for the St. Augustine Daily News that “I’m sure I’ll be found innocent, but if I have to pay for the trailer, so be it. If they don’t like me around here I’ve heard that they have some beautiful spots available at Running Sore Estates over in Syphilis Springs. At least over there they are Cartesians and not constantly overcome with angst like the losers who live here. I’m sick of this dump anyway. It’s damn depressing to hear people quoting Kafka and Dostoevsky all day long. I mean, Jesus!“

The KKK Took My Baby Away! Cretinous Crack Ho Downloads Zygote In Motel Bathtub

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florida

OCALA (CT&P) – Chrystal Hassell and Vincent Terry started out their “getaway” vacation just like any other happy Florida couple would, with a pocketful of primo rock and an economy sized bucket of Astroglide. They even purchased two brand new crack pipes and a windproof lighter for the occasion. What they did not take into account was the imminent birth of their second zygote. They also did not take into account that they are both moronic idiots.

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Ms Hassell and Mr Terry will be taking a break from child-rearing duties courtesy of the Florida Department of Corrections

The unfortunate Ms Hassell was arrested last week at the Mephistopheles Motor Inn after giving birth to something during a particularly long and gratifying binge while her mate Mr. Terry was out scouring the landscape for supplies. The quick-thinking and practical Hassell used her five remaining teeth to sever the umbilical cord and get on with the business at hand, reloading the pipe.

Ms Hassell’s 11-month-old son Damien, the product of another supernatural event, entertained himself by playfully levitating razor-sharp kitchen knives around the motel room while all this was going on.

“I didn’t want a trivial event such as giving birth to kill my excellent buzz, and I knew Damien could more than take care of himself,” Hassell told Randal “if it bleeds it leads” McMurphy, of Ocala’s WPBF. “I mean, do you know how hard it is to find good rock nowadays? We stockpiled that shit for weeks before checking in to the motel.”

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11-month-old Damien “Bile Geyser” Hassell expressed his displeasure with child services officials by spinning his head rapidly on its axis and spewing toxic sludge from his esophagus.

Her mate, Mr. Terry, was also arrested on a warrant out of Colorado where he is wanted for a few minor infractions including but not limited to domestic violence, violation of probation, and attempted murder. He is currently being held in the Marion County Jail along with his soul mate Ms Hassell.

In a separate interview Terry stated that they had both used drugs and spawned new species in the past, but never at the same time. “This is a new experience for both of us,” said Terry. “We really did not know Chrystal was pregnant. I mean, she felt movement in her abdomen but we both thought it was just worms. When I got back from the Dollar Store I was as surprised as she was that I was gonna be a dad again!”

Mr. Terry is also the sire of Ms Hassell’s first male progeny, Damien, who is only a yearling. Ms Hassell also has a 16-year-old daughter nicknamed “Carrie” for her ability to scan the minds of those around her and make them acquiesce to her malevolent schemes. Her exact location is unknown at this time, but she was last seen entering the Everglades riding on the back of an eleven-foot-long alligator.

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Ms Hassell’s uncle has generously offered to take care of the kids while she is “unavoidably detained”

Throughout the whole ordeal the loving couple have managed to keep a sunny and optimistic outlook on the future.

When queried by reporters Mr. Terry said “Of course we’re staying together. My brood is here, and I don’t care if they are ‘special needs’ kids. The Good Lord taught us to love our kids regardless of their alien origins.”

A spokesman from the Marion County Sheriff’s Department told our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker that the Department of Children’s Services will do their best to keep the family unit intact. “We really don’t have much choice in the matter,” said Corporal Frank “Bat” Guano. “Even as screwed up as people are down here I don’t think we could find anyone dumb enough to foster this crew.”

 

 

 

 

 

Florida Lawmakers Jump On Secession Bandwagon As Wave Of Demonic Possession Spreads To Southeast

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oklahomasecede

Cretonia’s best and brightest made time to get out and join the protests

TALLAHASSEE (CT&P) – Members of the Florida state senate and house voted overwhelmingly to secede from the Union yesterday at an emergency session called by Governor and Aztec Snake God Rick Scott. The action was taken in response to the wave of Cosmos related demonic possessions currently sweeping the state.

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Spokesthing Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson of Toxic Cove, Florida told reporters that he was quite handsome before viewing two episodes of Cosmos

The possession and transformation of ordinary American citizens into characters from a Lovecraftian nightmare began in Oklahoma and has been spreading to other parts of the Bible Belt at “warp speed.”

Screenings of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s new show are apparently causing a variety of mental disorders, weird behavior, and physical metamorphosis among children and weak-minded adults from Oklahoma City all the way to the outskirts of South Beach.

Right-wing religious zealots have been protesting en masse to try to get the show pulled from Fox’s lineup out of fear that all order will soon collapse and chaos will reign across the United States. However, since Fox has thus far refused to take the popular and informative show off the air, the “confederacy of dunces” has switched tactics and has begun pushing for secession.

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Michelle Lamprey of Sudafed Springs was a normal Florida housewife with three kids and a manageable weekend meth habit before Cosmos aired

A spokesman for the protestors, Billy Joe “Turd” Ferguson, told reporters that “We are not gonna just stand by and see our archaic and outdated religious beliefs be questioned by some smarty-pants who thinks he knows everything just ’cause he went to college!”

“We think that secession from the Union would allow us to set up our own radio and television stations that we can tightly monitor and control just like in China or North Korea,” said Turd. “That way, if anyone says anything that disagrees with the Bible we can burn them at the stake or lash them to barges in the Mississippi until the heretics ‘see the light.’ We can always sink the barges as a last resort.”

Scientists from around the world are scrambling to try to come up with an explanation for such a weird reaction to a television show based on science and reason.

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Little Suzie Creamcheese was a cheerful and outgoing student at Sinkhole Middle School before watching Cosmos in science class. Now she lives in a shopping cart.

“A significant percentage of citizens in the Bible Belt are hypersensitive to any ideas hatched at any time after the Middle Ages,” said Professor Toichi Hikita, of the Banzai Institute in New Brunswick, New Jersey. “They prefer to go on believing that some unseen force controls the universe and we damn sure better worship it in order not to incur its wrath. It’s really weird.”

Dr Emilio Lizardo of Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems concurred, saying “We have long studied the habits and culture of the monkey-boys inhabiting this so-called ‘Bible Belt.’ We find their obstinate dedication to ancient ritual and belief in the supernatural quite amusing. It gives us Red Lectroids hope that one day we will indeed crush you humans and finally get our butts off this rock.”

The Obama administration is of two minds on the secession issue. On the one hand secession from the Union is clearly unconstitutional and could lead to all sorts of problems, not the least of which would be bloody armed conflict. On the other hand many members of the administration and other politicians would be more than happy to see the State of Florida become someone else’s problem. At this point no federal action is likely to take place.

 

 

 

 

 

Florida Joins Iran and North Korea In International Bloodletting Contest

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by
guillotine23

Governor Rick Scott is pushing a bill through the Florida legislature that would bring back the guillotine

TALLAHASSEE-Governor Rick Scott and other right-wing politicians in Florida were said to be “beside themselves” with excitement after Amnesty International’s release of its annual report on execution rates around the globe. Governor Skeletor appeared at a press conference early this morning in Tallahassee to trumpet the success of the state’s “Timely Justice Act” which was passed and signed into law last year.

“We have busted our collective butt to streamline the process of state-sponsored killing in Cretonia,” said Governor Scott. “The

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Governor Scott’s origins are shrouded in mystery, but he is thought to be the reincarnation of the Aztec snake god Crotalus

figures just released by Amnesty prove that the new law is putting us right up there with some of the most respected champions of legalized murder. We even edged out Texas for third place! All our efforts have not been in vain and I couldn’t be more proud.”

According to the statistics, Florida moved in front of Texas in 2013 in the total number of death sentences handed down by highly educated and compassionate Florida juries. Not surprisingly, Florida also holds the all time record of convicted death-row prisoners that turned out to be completely innocent.

“I think we can all live with a few mistakes, unless of course you happen to be poor or black,” Scott chuckled.

The mistake rate more than likely stems from the fact that Florida only requires a 7-5 vote of jurors to hand down a death sentence. “We are trying to change that for the better,” said Scott. “I have sponsored a new bill that will allow us to bypass the lengthy and expensive trial process altogether and move to a system of immediate execution of suspects if three out of four investigating officers think that the “perp” is guilty. “We need to take the responsibility out of the hands of these uneducated hicks that make up our population,” said Scott. “I think everyone would agree that experienced cops would make better decisions.”

“Florida is proud to take the lead in speedy and efficient termination of human life, except of course when it involves giving women

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George Zimmerman is a finalist for one of Florida’s coveted new “celebrity executioner” positions

control of their own bodies,” crowed Governor Snakehead. “We in Florida believe a woman’s place is in the home and a negro’s place is on the scaffold.”

Other states are scrambling to keep up with Florida’s torrid pace. Texas Governor Rick Perry told reporters that “Those upstarts over there in the Gunshine State may think they can win this contest but they ain’t seen nothing yet! We intend on conducting a state-wide human barbecue the likes of which the world has never seen.”

Although the total number of executions in the United States fell last year, along with student’s test scores, America managed to proudly stay within the top five countries who execute prisoners. America is still a contender for the abomination award alongside Iraq, China, Saudi Arabia, and Iran.