Tag Archives: Florida

Winter Storm Update: Scores Of Cretins Found Comatose As Meth Supply Dwindles Across The Southeast

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PANAMA CITY, FLORIDA-Government officials are becoming alarmed by the increasing number of citizens found sound asleep in their cars, on their lawns, and in a variety of public places around Greater Cretonia. It seems that the region’s drug users and suppliers are not immune to the paralyzing effects of Winter Storm Leon.sleep

The Bay County Sheriff’s department has reported at least 249 instances of residents found asleep in odd places in the last 24 hours alone. Thousands more have been sighted in rural areas around the southeast.

Sheriff’s department spokesman Billy Bob Scrotum spoke with CNN early this morning: “It’s crazy as hell out there. We’ve found folks asleep behind the wheel of their pickups, ATV’s, aluminum bass boats, and even on old Schwinn sleep5bicycles. We’ve found comatose junkies halfway out of their trailers and in their yards. We even found one dude curled up next to the pink flamingo beside his work shed. The neighbors said he kept asking it for a syringe before passing out. One girl fell asleep halfway from her car to the door of the CVS down on the corner of Robert E. Lee Avenue and Jeff Davis Memorial Parkway. Frankly we are at a loss for what to do here. We simply do not have enough cells to house all these nuts.” Deputy Scrotum was then called away to the site of the 6th exploding trailer of the morning.sleep2

CNN also interviewed Billy Wayne “Shakes” Snodgrass, a highly respected “chef” and founder of the ‘Two Men and a Meth Lab’ franchise so popular in rural America. “I want all of my loyal customers out there to know that help is on the way. We have set our carefully planned and organized Meth Relief Plan in motion. I have mobilized all of our dealers who own horses and mules and we will be making deliveries as soon as possible. I know the weather has made it impossible for all you amateurs to get to the drug store for supplies, but always remember we are there for you. Try to stay awake until we arrive and have your cash or stolen electronics ready. A special note for our female customers, I’m sorry but we just won’t have time to tradesleep3 powder for sex until the authorities get off their asses and clear the roads.”

Temperatures across Cretonia are expected to rise in the next few days which should make supply runs possible for suffering addicts. The only problem will be waking them up from deep comas as many of them have gone for several years without sleep of any kind.sleep6

Jubilant New Yorkers Throng Times Square After Sean Hannity Announces Imminent Departure

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NEW YORK-An estimated crowd of over 200,000 people crowded Times Square and surrounding areas yesterday as word leaked out that Fox News personality and insane person Sean Hannity intends to depart New York and set up camp in the Bible Belt. Hannity made the announcement during a nonsensical rant on his radio program Monday afternoon. The public only found out about the announcement yesterday morning because so few New Yorkers actually listen to the program.

Hannity was responding to comments made by Governor Andrew Cuomo concerning extreme right-wing lunatics and most New Yorker’s desire for them to live elsewhere. Hannity took umbrage to Cuomo’s remarks and said “I want you to know that I can’t wait to get out of here. I really can’t. I don’t want to pay their 10 percent tax anymore.” Hannity continued “I live in the second-highest property-taxed county in the entire country in  Nassau County. I can’t wait to pay no state income tax down in Florida or Texas.”

Hannity continued to rant and rave for the rest of the segment about how oppressive taxes were in New York. “Look, I only made about 24 million last year. By the time I pay federal, state, and local taxes, I barely take home enough to buy a loaf of bread each week. I’m sick of the government giving handouts to lazy poor people and minorities in the form of food stamps and healthcare.  It’s high time the top 1% in this country stood up for its rights. The government has no right to take my hard-earned money and use it to try to help the oppressed and downtrodden! It’s un-American,  counterproductive, and it’s just not the Christian thing to do. You’d never see Jesus hanging out trying to help the poor. Read your Bible if you don’t believe me.”

Although the citizens of New York were exultant over Hannity’s plans, the few intelligent beings inhabiting Florida and Texas were mortified.

“Just what we need,” said former governor Charlie Crist, “another right-wing miscreant moving to Florida. First Rush Limbaugh and now Sean Hannity. Who’s next, that brain-damaged psychopath Glenn Beck? What in God’s name did we do down here to deserve this?”

Sunshine State Shocker: Federal Law Enforcement Authorities Manage To Do Something Useful

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ORLANDO-Citizens of the “Sunshine State” were left stunned this week after federal law enforcement agents took time off from drug-interdiction duties long enough to round up a group of miscreants in central Florida’s Osceola County. In a shocking deviation from the norm, federal agents participated in a well planned and effective sting operation that netted around a dozen members of a white supremacist group, “The American Front.”

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Marcus “Tyrannus” Paella, Obersturmfuhrer and trailer owner

The U.S. Justice Department has long considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are actually true. Combine that with the native population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a volatile combination.”

Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.

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Christopher “Scrotum Face” Brooks

The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”

After a laid back afternoon of barbecue, draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI, DEA, and ATF.

“We certainly did surprise them,” said Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of methamphetamine.

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Richard “Swamp Nazi” Stockdale

Local law enforcement officials were not surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.

Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella, Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.

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Diane “Hepatitis C” Stevens

According to court documents the group had planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of May Day activities this spring.

The property on which the American Front headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels leading nowhere. Sandbags and  railroad ties were stacked in defensive positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle ports but could just be caused by rats.

Marcus and Patricia Faella were released after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their henchmen were left to rot in jail.

Fossil Discovery in Northwest Florida Could Shed Light on Human Evolution

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An almost intact hominid skeleton unearthed near DeFuniak Springs, Florida could offer explanations for some of the most puzzling questions confronting paleoanthropologists working on Cretonian evolution.The fossilized remains were discovered at a Wal-Mart construction site earlier this week by a group of Hispanic workers press-ganged into service by unscrupulous developers. According to some archeologists the remains have the potential to explain the paradoxes apparent to anyone who takes more than fleeting glance at modern Florida.

For decades scientists have been puzzled by the enigma that is Florida. The state has tremendous potential, featuring beautiful beaches, a highly diverse ecosystem, and an ideal climate. It also provides ample opportunity for many strong industries, such as agriculture, construction,  international trade, space exploration, and of course tourism, to name a few. All of these industries help Florida produce a gross state domestic product of around  800 billion dollars per year.

With a population of almost 20 million combined its temperate climate and strong industry, one would think that Florida would be a crucible of human progress. However, Americans are continually treated to news stories out of the state featuring the bizarre behavior of its citizens, the antics of its reactionary conservative politicians, the prominence of primitive religious beliefs within the population, its labyrinthine set of laws and regulations, and last but not least, its nearly medieval criminal justice system. From leaving infants in cars while Daddy is in the strip club, to cookouts fueled by copies of the Quran, to devouring a bystander’s face on the side of the interstate, to hanging chads, the idiocy in Florida just keeps on coming. But why?

Dr. John Many Jars and Professor John YaYa think they have the answer. They were part of the team that examined the desiccated remains found at the Wal-Mart site. The skeleton was removed from the construction site with a front end loader and whisked out-of-state to an undisclosed research laboratory. This precaution was deemed necessary because of the history of vandalism at Florida archeological digs by religious zealots out to destroy any evidence of human evolution.

Dr. Jars revealed some shocking facts regarding the find. “What we have here is a totally new species. We want to emphasize that this is not a Homo sapiens at all. It averaged around five feet tall, walked upright, and apparently lived in the swamps of Florida and south Georgia before Caucasians arrived in North America, and never interbred with the Native American population. However, a quick analysis has shown evidence of a significant amount of its DNA in many Floridians, which means at some point the early European settlers in this area ‘got together’ with these creatures.”

Professor YaYa added, “The species is unusual in that it had huge webbed feet to aid it in transiting swamps, ponds and lakes. It also had extremely long arms with which to climb palms and other trees, presumably to flee predators or forage for food in the treetops. However, the most significant characteristic of the hominid was an extremely small brain case.”

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A current Floridian hard at work cooking meth in his trailer

Dr. Jars jumped in: “Right. This species was apparently dumb as a board, which no doubt contributed to its extinction. But the important point here is that the interbreeding with this guy that occurred long ago almost certainly accounts for some the imbecilic behavior, dimwitted laws and archaic traditions we see in Florida today.”

Although many tests remain to be done, the initial conclusions made by Jars and YaYa have been confirmed by other scientists. We will no doubt learn much more about this exciting discovery for decades to come. Although dubbed “DeFuniak Man” by the press, the scientific name for this new species will be Homo moronus.

Florida Town Bans Medical Poultry

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In a move which will surely cause distress in progressive and libertarian circles, Debary, Florida, a small city in the heart of Cretonia, has banned backyard chickens. The city council voted 3-2 last week to end a pilot program that allowed citizens to keep a few birds in their backyards.

“We made a mistake,” said city council member Chris Carson. “It was a pilot program that offered a little liberty and hope to our citizens, but it was just getting out of control.” Carson voted to end the program because he felt that people were beginning to harbor dangerous ideas of self sufficiency and independence from government. It seems a few folks were actually selling surplus eggs generated by their chickens and Carson feared that the city could miss out on a few cents of tax revenue. “I don’t support a program that has a door open to take advantage for commercial purposes,’ said Carson.

Carson received his graduate degree in economics from the University of Bombardopolis in Haiti, long known as a hotbed of economic success.

Councilman John Bigboote, who voted to continue the program, thinks Big Poultry got to Carson. “It’s obvious to me that Chris was paid off by Tyson, Gold Kist, or maybe Colonel Sanders himself,” said Bigboote. “He was all for the program when we started it. Now he’s gone over to the ‘Dark Side’. It’s really sad.”

Everyone is not giving up, however. Resident Joseph Hart intends to get a lawyer and fight to keep his chickens. Hart bought his chickens on advice from his son’s physician. Hart’s son J.J. is autistic and the chickens have been a great help in his treatment. “It’s made a tremendous difference in J.J.’s life,” Hart said. “His vocabulary has gone from ‘ducks’ to that of a normal kid his age.”

However, the vocabulary of most of the elected officials in Debary is sorely limited. It seems “compassion” and “empathy” are noticeably absent.

Mayor Harry Snapper Organs, in a speech to the local chamber of commerce, said “Look, we started this program to divert the public’s attention away from the graft and corruption that we value so much down here, but things are now out of control. Allowing ‘homegrown chicken’ in Debary has become dangerous and immoral. If people need treatment for their diseases they need to go to a doctor and seek a therapy approved by the FDA. On the other hand, if they need a few extra dollars income, they can work part time in a fast food joint,” said Organs.

Police Chief Bubba Buzzkill agreed. “Everyone knows that chicken is a gateway bird. If we allow this to continue, people will move on to harder birds such as turkeys, and God forbid, emus,” said Buzzkill.”Why, I heard only last week of guy down in Miami who was harboring an ostrich in his condo.” Buzzkill continued, “Maybe the only way to stop these home chicken labs is to ban the sale of chicken feed to the public, or pass some new poultry forfeiture laws up in Tallahassee.”

We contacted Dr. Frank Black of the Center For Sanity in Politics for his comments on the situation. “It’s the same old story. Not since the Middle Ages have we seen such a weird combination of reactionary politics and the disdain of reason as we do in contemporary Florida,” Black said. “However, there is hope,” Black continued,”according to my friends over at the World Meteorological Organization, in 200 years the whole miserable state should be underwater.”

There is no word yet on how Florida officials feel about backyard fish farming.

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A Thanksgiving Turkey

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Representative Trey “Radical” Radel (Hypocrite-FL) plead guilty to misdemeanor drug possession Wednesday after being busted last month as part of a sting operation conducted in our nation’s capital.

Radel was arrested after purchasing 3.5 grams of cocaine from undercover agents whom he had previously invited to “Hip Hop” up to his apartment to partake in the same substance. The agents declined the generous invite but offered to sell him some blow to add to his current inventory. After the deal was struck other agents moved in and arrested the hapless congressman.

After pleading guilty Wednesday, Radel beat feet back to Florida where he checked into a rehab center, but not before holding the obligatory remorseful press conference.

Radel utilized the tried and true canned speech used by so many hypocritical politicians and televangelists the world over after their transgressions are exposed. Radel proclaimed, “Today, I checked myself into a facility to seek treatment and counseling. It is my hope, through this process I will come out a better man. I will work hard to gain back the trust and support of my constituents, friends and most importantly my family.”

Interestingly, Radel, a favorite of the Tea Party, found nothing wrong with his activities before his sinful habits were unveiled. In fact, in the past Radel stated that his favorite vacationing spot was the popular tourist destination Cartagena, Columbia. Also on his short list of “places to kick back” were Amsterdam, Bangkok, Kandahar Airfield, and the Tribal Regions in northwest Pakistan.

As mentioned earlier, Radel was a Tea Party favorite and rising star in Republican politics. He voted along party lines, pushing for a 40 billion dollar cut in food stamp assistance for the poor. He also voted for drug testing of food stamp recipients. After all, it’s only logical to starve those in need of food if they also have a drug problem like Radel does.

Perhaps there is a lesson here for the Tea Party. Radel’s drug use apparently had no effect on his ability to toe the Party line. He did not go berserk and rob his neighbors for drug money, or commit any violent crimes.  Maybe Tea Party efforts to balance the budget would be better spent dialing back the ludicrous and failed “War On Drugs”, which by some estimates costs the U.S. over $100 billion per year, rather than taking food out of the mouths of the poor.

Radel’s political future is uncertain, with some politicians coming to his defense and others preparing to eviscerate him. Radel will receive a year of loosely supervised probation after which he hopes to continue his political career. Unable for comment were the tens of thousands of citizens serving multiple-year prison sentences in Florida for the very same crime Radel committed. This is of small consequence because they will never be able to vote again anyway.

Radel of course has no intention of resigning his lucrative $175,000 per year position. He will therefore not be in need of SNAP assistance any time soon.

Florida Bill Makes Poverty A Felony

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As the 2014 gubernatorial race starts to heat up, a bill is working its way through the Florida legislature that would make it a felony offense to earn less than $25,000.00 per year. The bill will also place those with minority racial status on probation.

In 2011, Florida effectively disenfranchised 1.5 million citizens with a  new restrictive voting law. The law prohibits anyone ever convicted of a felony from voting in local, state or federal elections. Commenting on the situation, Governor Rick Scott stated “We really got on the right track in 2011, and this new bill should put us over the top.” When asked what he meant, Scott replied “Well, we certainly don’t want to risk uncertainty in the election process by allowing criminals to vote, and since most crime is committed by the poor and minorities, this new law just takes the next logical step. The bill will prevent undesirables from participating in the election process.”

One of the chief sponsors of the bill, Representative Billy Bob McSneed, a Republican from Panama City, stated “All these minorities, many of them illegal, are taking our jobs and threatening our way of life down here. By placing them on probation, we can better control ’em and stop all the election fraud. Hell, it’s bad enough that we let ’em drive.”

Election fraud in Florida has reached enormous proportions in Florida over the last decade, according to the Florida Republican Central Committee. McSneed supplied us with documents proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that there have been at least three dozen cases of individuals voting illegally in Florida over the last ten years.

“We live in state where 36 votes could tip the balance, McSneed said. The only logical thing to do is attack the root of the disease, not the symptoms, and the root of the disease is poor people, minorities, and poor minorities.”

When asked how many citizens of the state that this bill would disenfranchise, Governor Scott replied, “We have no idea, but the vast majority of them will be Democrats, and that’s all that matters.”

Challenges to the new bill’s constitutionality will no doubt be numerous. However, given the current glut of challenges in Florida’s courts challenging other demented laws passed by the legislature, any decision will be slow in coming and probably will occur post-election.

Reached for comment was Representative Barbara Hernandez, Democrat from Miami. She stated, “I am currently trying to decide whether to hang myself or move to a more open society. Maybe Cuba or North Korea.”