Tag Archives: football

Saban Conjures Hurricane To Help Bama In Athens

Posted in humor, sports by

nick-saban-the-devils-300x265

TUSCALOOSA – (CT&P) – The Tuscaloosa News is reporting that Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban held a satanic ritual at midnight last night in order to alter the path of Hurricane Joaquin. The ritual, which included the ceremonial drinking of bulldog blood, was held deep in the recruiting dungeons under the athletic office where SAT answer sheets are normally stored.

Sources close to the program are saying that Saban is “pulling out all the stops” to give the Tide at least a “snowball’s chance in hell” against the Bulldogs on Saturday.

The anonymous sources say that Saban feels that his strong defense, aided by hideous weather conditions, is the only hope for victory. So far the Tide’s anemic offense, led by malfunctioning cyborg Jake Coker, has been unable to generate much of anything against strong opponents.

According to the National Weather Service Joaquin’s predicted storm track did indeed mysteriously change during the night.

Dr. Greg Forbes, severe weather expert for the Weather Channel, said that computer models now have Joaquin taking a left turn and stalling over Athens for days before breaking up sometime early Sunday.

“It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Forbes.

Forbes told viewers that if Joaquin follows the new predicted track it has the potential to be as disastrous as the Great Ice Storm of 2014, which dumped as much as 1/100 of an inch of frozen precipitation on Atlanta roads, causing the entire city to be paralyzed for days.

“I really can’t explain why the storm is acting like this, but Georgia fans who plan on attending the game in Athens on Saturday should bring along their bass boats or inflatable rafts as a precaution. We just don’t know what will happen at this point,” said Forbes.

 

 

 

Taliban Accuses ISIS Of Recruiting Violations

Posted in humor, politics, religion, sports by

Lawrence+Damascus

KABUL – (CT&P) – On Tuesday Afghan Taliban A&M warned ISIS recruiters to stay out of Afghanistan in a rare open letter to the NCAA and Islamic State University Athletic Department officials. The letter accused Islamic State of a variety of recruiting violations that included cash bribes, promises of gifts such as up-armored Cadillac Esplanades, rocket-propelled grenades, and guarantees of sex with dozens of young virgins if Afghan athletes would sign athletic scholarships with Islamic State University.

The Islamic Emirate — the Taliban’s name for Afghanistan — only allows the struggle “against foreign invaders to be under the leadership of Taliban A&M,” read the letter signed by the group’s athletic director and coordinator of infidel beheadings, Akhtar Mohammad Mansour. The letter was shared with NBC News and posted on the college’s Facebook page.

LawrncOArabia_239Pyxurz

Among other violations, ISIS recruiters are suspected of blowing up a Taliban University team train carrying players to an ethnic cleansing event at Helmand College in the Southwestern Conference.

“Jihadi groups across the Muslim world are all competing for the vast pool of dirt poor, uneducated, goat fucking raw recruits to bolster our offensive lines and backfields. We all need swift and strong running backs who can strap on suicide vests and punch holes in the infidel defense so our masses of dim-witted religious freaks can pour through and get down to some serious atrocities and abominations perpetrated on helpless women and children.

“Every university has their own sphere of influence and geographical area where they recruit. They each have their own organizational structure,” continued the letter, which was addressed to Islamic State Presidant Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi. “If your meddling in their affairs creates division, it will cause in bloodshed within these organizations.”

The lengthy statement was issued amid reports of deepening divisions within the Afghan Taliban Conference, with some university presidents supporting peace talks with Islamic State and others vowing to continue fighting until a clear regional champion was crowned.

lawrence-of-arabia5

Islamic State Head Coach T. E. Lawrence points out weaknesses in the Taliban defensive line during a match played in the Tribal Regions in 2013.

In January, ISIS’ media arm declared Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan to be one region called the Khorasan Conference, prompting some athletes to pledge allegiance to the group.

According to the government of the eastern Nangahar Conference, around 100 families have been displaced by fighting among university recruiters in the last three weeks. About 150 running backs and wide receivers have been killed during that time, a spokesman for the NCAA told NBC News.

At this time the controversy shows no signs of letting up, and NCAA President Mark Emmert told NBC that “Until we come up with some sort of agreement with all the universities in the region regarding recruiting rules and regulations there is just no way to stop the bloodshed between universities. It’s going to be next to impossible to unite all these bloodthirsty religious assholes into a single, unified mass of seething hatred unless we get all this ironed out and come up with some sort of playoff system.”

FIFA Suspends 2026 World Cup Bribing Process

Posted in humor, sports by

fifa2

ZURICH – (CT&P) -Soccer’s world governing body bought itself some time on Wednesday before beginning the most important process on its agenda—selecting a host for the 2026 World Cup—even as it scrambles to elect a new president.

FIFA said the 2026 bribing process, which was due to begin this fall, was on hold because of the separate U.S. and Swiss investigations that led to the arrest and detention of several FIFA officials in May. The organization also confirmed that it would hold an extraordinary executive committee meeting in July to set a date for a new presidential election, which is expected to fall in December.

Sepp-Blatter-mocked-up-into-Alien

Although hated by almost everyone on earth and considered the worst thing that ever happened to the game of football, Blatter remains in charge of FIFA. “The asshole is proving harder to kill off than an Alien xenomorph,” said Michel Platini, head of the European soccer federation.

“With so many of our top officials under indictment and unable to fulfill their nefarious duties, we are regretfully going to have to delay the bribe and blackmail process for the 2026 World Cup until sometime next spring,” said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA and human lamprey.

“The United States and Mexico are both in the running, so we’re looking forward to some very lucrative cash transfers from America and large shipments of narcotics as well as some attractive prostitutes from the cartels ‘south of the border.’

“We just thought it would be wise to delay things a while so our guys can repudiate all these ridiculous charges leveled by the FBI and Swiss authorities,” said Blatter, as he picked his mouthful of razor-sharp teeth with a golden toothpick.

During the press conference Blatter also mentioned that African and Asian countries should be building up their gold bullion reserves because the bribing process for 2030 would commence shortly after the 2026 site was determined.

 

FIFA Payoff Committee Votes To Increase The Minimum Bribe

Posted in humor, sports by

fifa

ZURICH – (CT&P) – The FIFA Payola and Inducement Committee, meeting deep below the streets of Zurich in the FIFA “War Room,” voted this afternoon to increase the minimum bribe rate by a whopping 25% in an effort to slow down U.S. and Swiss investigations into the organization’s inner workings.

FIFA Vice President of Blackmail, Embezzlement and Larceny Ivan Mikhailov, a former Russian mafia boss, told reporters outside FIFA headquarters that he intended to offer FBI special agents an offer “they could not refuse.”

horsehead

Mikhailov told Swiss television that if the FBI agents did not accept the bribes other methods would be used to change their minds

“The imperialist American politicians are easily corrupted by money and sex. They do what their corporate masters tell them, no matter how much it hurts the oppressed American worker. It is apparent to even the lowest Russian peasant that Americans can be bought and sold with a few rubles and a tall blonde from Omsk with large breasts.”

 

“We have no doubt that the FBI agents will be no different. I mean, look at the Secret Service, it is infested by ideologically impure vermin who frequent brothels and drink around the clock. With the increased capital that the committee has given us this should be easier than a penalty kick.”

Although FIFA President Sepp Blatter bemoaned the extra expenditure of funds, he told Swiss television that the money could be easily replaced during the next round of World Cup bids.

 

Fire At FIFA Congress Blamed On Communist Sabateurs

Posted in humor, sports by

Burning of the Reichstag 1933. Germany / Mono Print

ZURICH – (CT&P) – An early morning fire which destroyed the FIFA World Congress Building, known as the Pitchstag in Switzerland, was the work of  subversive communist conspirators, according to FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

The fire allowed Blatter to be re-elected without difficulty after Prince Ali bin Hussein of Jordan withdrew from the presidential race saying he was “in fear of losing his life.”

seppblatterhitler

Blatter told Swiss reporters that “America, even if she were to set furiously to work for four years, will not succeed in replacing the me as FIFA president.”

Blatter issued an official FIFA decree shortly after the fire which nullified voting rights for UEFA and other soccer organizations that voted for Prince Ali rather than Blatter for FIFA president during the first round.

The decree also suspended key civil liberties for anyone within the FIFA umbrella of leagues who disagreed with Blatter in any way whatsoever. The Geheime der Football Polizei, more commonly known as Blatter’s Gestapo, is expected to make arrests throughout Europe later tonight of UEFA leaders who dared to stand up to Blatter’s tyranny.

The organization has set up interrogation centers in former CIA ‘black sites’ where the offending officials will questioned using “enhanced interrogation techniques” such as sleep deprivation and water-boarding.

FIFA has contracted Blatter’s alter ego, former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney, to oversee the torture sessions.

 

 

Sepp Blatter Threatens To Annex The Sudetenland

Posted in humor, sports by

blatter2

ZURICH – (CT&P) – In response to the arrests of 14 FIFA officials by FBI agents and Swiss police yesterday, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has ordered FIFA armored units to begin massing on the Swiss border with Germany.

At an emergency meeting of the FIFA Party Congress at the Pitchstag this morning, Blatter made a fevered three-hour long speech in which he vehemently denied accusations of corruption within the FIFA leadership and cursed the “Bolshevik provocateurs” who dared to interfere with world soccer’s governing body.

sudetenland1

Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that FIFA troops would no doubt be greeted as conquering heroes in the newly acquired territories

“We will crush the gangster Obama and his toadies within the Swiss government under the heels of our jackboots!” he screamed, amidst roars from the crowd of “GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL! GOOOOOOOAAAL!”

“If these subhuman apes don’t like the way we do business we will seize our own territory and provide lebensraum for our own stadiums and practice facilities!” yelled Blatter.

FIFA’s Health and Inhuman Services Minister Beinrich Bimmler told reporters that the planned blitzkrieg will sweep across southern Germany before splitting into two columns and converging in a classic pincer movement inside portions of the Czech Republic.

“We intend to annex enough land to give us room to set up our own facilities and conduct business without interference from the outside world,” said Bimmler.

“However, I would like everyone to know that the Führer, uh, I’m sorry, I mean President Blatter, has assured me that the Sudetenland represents the last territorial claim he has in Europe, so Poland and Russia should not be nervous.”

Meanwhile U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch and FBI Director James Comey have vowed that this is just the beginning of their investigations, and they will not rest until the entire governing body of “FIFA Nazis” are skinned alive.

 

Birmingham City Football Club To Change Nickname

Posted in politics, sports by

birminghamcity1

BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND (CT&P) – The Birmingham City Football Club has announced that it will be changing its nickname from “The Blues” to “The Mullahs” in order to better reflect the religious makeup of the town and its supporters.

birminghamcity3

Birmingham City manager Gary Rowettallah thinks the name change is a “win-win” for both the club and its radical Islamist fan base.

The club is a professional association football club based in the city of Birmingham, England. They compete in the Football League Championship, the second tier of league football in England. Formed in 1875 as Small Heath Alliance, they became Small Heath in 1888, then Birmingham in 1905. They finally changed their names to Birmingham City in 1943, so they are no strangers to name changes. However, this is the first time the club has seen fit to change its nickname.

“I think the ownership believed it was time to more accurately reflect the cultural makeup of the city, the club, and its fans,” said Amir Gary Abhib Rowettallah, the club’s manager. “We also think that it could help us to intimidate teams coming here to play from predominantly Christian areas throughout England and Wales.”

The owners also have plans for a new stadium to be built on the current site of Birmingham Cathedral, which will be bulldozed this spring to make way for a new state of the art facility dubbed “New Mecca.”

The team’s new slogan will be “Keep Right On Killing.”

birminghamcity4

Rowdy Blues fans celebrate outside St Andrews after Saturday’s 3-1 victory over Wigan Athletic. After the proposed changes they’ll be able to bring their firearms into the stadium rather than having to check them at the gate.

Other changes include a new ordinance banning women from attending games, new goal celebrations featuring the firing of AK-47’s into the air, and gala halftime beheadings of infidels who wander into the city centre by mistake.

“I think it’s a win-win for the team and the fans,” said Rowettallah. “Plus, the new black on black uniforms with white Arabic script are really cool!”

However, not everyone is happy with the change. The current leader of the Church of England Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby commented, “This is what happens when immigration policy runs amok. It’s only a matter of time before we’re watching the Tottenham Terrorists versus the Southampton Sunnis on the telly. It’s a disgrace to all Christendom!”

Ivory Coast Defeats Sierra Leone 5-1 In African Cup Of Nations Qualifier

Posted in humor, sports by

bubble-soccer

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Sierra Leone suffered an embarrassing thrashing today when it was defeated by Ivory Coast 5-1 in an African Cup of Nations qualifying match in front of a nearly empty Felix Houphouet Boigny Stadium. Those fans brave enough to attend the match were given respirators and rubber gloves before entering the stadium.

divingsuit

Physios for Sierra Leone found it difficult to treat injured players during the game because of the bulky protective gear they were forced to wear by stadium officials

The game was tied 1-1 at halftime, but Ivory Coast came roaring to life in the second half as its players became accustomed to the giant protective bubble suits the Sierra Leone players were forced to wear by the FIFA officiating crew.

“They weaved and bobbed through our defense as if we were not even there,” said Coach John Sesay. “I think it’s highly irresponsible for the people in charge of this tourney to force our guys to wear these ridiculous suits. Not everyone in Sierra Leone has Ebola, you know.”

soccer3

Sierra Leone manager John Sesay was outraged when he had to prove he was healthy enough to coach the game by dribbling through a pride of hungry lions

The Sierra Leone players managed to hold off the unencumbered Ivory Coast players in the first half by forming a giant protective ring around their goal and knocking down opposing players with their huge inflated suits. However, at halftime Ivory Coast Coach Sabri Lamouchi devised a strategy that spelled doom for the potentially infected team from Sierra Leone.

“Coach told us to form a flying wedge and charge through their bubble-wrap defense, which allowed the player with the ball to dribble along behind it and kick the ball into the goal,” said Salomon Kalou, who scored two of Ivory Coast’s four second half goals. “The change in strategy worked wonders. We kicked their bloody, contaminated asses right off the field in the second period.”

Coach Sesay told reporters that he plans on filing an official complaint with FIFA and the governing board of the tournament as soon as he gets over a slight fever and stomach ailment that started plaguing him late last week.

 

WWJD?

Posted in humor, sports by

jose4

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – As one wanders aimlessly about the football pitch of life, one is faced again and again with life-altering decisions that must be made in order to continue on a path towards a winning goal. When I find myself unable to decide in what direction I should go, I ask the simple question: “What would José Mourinho do?”

José Mário dos Santos Mourinho Félix, better known as “The Special One,” has been my guiding light through times of trouble and indecision. He is omnipresent, hovering there at the edge of consciousness, always willing to lend me a helping hand when I am unable to choose the correct path on my own.

Let him do the same for you. You won’t regret it.

“The Special One”  begins his 2014 ministry today at 3 PM Eastern on NBCSP when Chelsea takes on newly promoted Burnley FC at Turf Moor.

 

REMEMBER:

jose6

BOWL-O-RAMA! Your Guide To Some of This Year’s More Obscure Bowl Games

Posted in humor, politics, Uncategorized by

Rose_Bowl,_panorama

SANTA ROSA BEACH-We here at the Times-Picayune get just as frustrated as anyone trying to maximize our football viewing pleasure while having to deal with pesky relative visits and archaic religious holidays. So we decided to post a guide to some of the remaining bowl games that peaked our interest. We have omitted the participant teams, times, and stations so that you can print out the guide and use it in the years to come. Please consult your local listings for broadcast times and networks. We have tried when possible to give locations, sponsors, and announcers.

December 31st:

  • The Astro-Bubonic Bowl-Houston, Texas  Sponsors: NASA/The Centers for Disease Control  Play by play: Ira Flatow
  • The Excellence in Broadcasting Misogynist’s Bowl-Miami Gardens, Florida  Sponsors: American Bullion and Lifelock Play by play: Rush Limbaugh Color commentary by Mr. Snerdley
  • The Voodoo-Induced Earthquake Bowl-Port Au Prince, Haiti  Sponsor: The Christian Right  Play by play: Pat Robertson Color commentary by the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken)
  • The Duck Dynasty Homophobic Racist Bowl-West Monroe, Louisiana  Sponsor: A&E  Play by play: Phil Robertson Color commentary by Alec Baldwin

January 1st:

  • The Second Amendment Automatic Weapons Bowl-Fairfax, Virginia  Sponsor: The National Rifle Association Play by play: Wayne La Pierre  Color commentary by George Zimmerman
  • The Wingnut Conspiracy Theory Bowl-Salt Lake City, Utah  Sponsor: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon)  Play by play: Glenn Beck  Color commentary by Steve Stockman
  • The British Petroleum Environmental Disaster Bowl-New Orleans, Louisiana  Sponsor: BP  Play by play: James Carville  Color commentary by Anderson Cooper
  • The Fukushima Genetic Mutation Bowl-Tokyo, Japan  Sponsor: Tokyo Electric Power  Play by play: Former Prime Minister Naoto Kan  Color commentary by Godzilla

January 2nd:

  • The Victoria’s Secret Implant Bowl-New York, New York  Sponsors: Allergan Natrelle and Mentor MemoryGel  Play by play: Salvatore Ferragamo Jr  Color commentary by Hugh Hefner
  • The Viagra-Cialis Erectile Dysfunction Bowl-Groton, Connecticut  Sponsor: Pfizer  Play by play: Michael Douglas  Color commentary by Charlie Sheen  CAUTION: Be sure to consult a physician if this game goes into overtime.

January 3rd:

  • The Sudafed Methamphetamine Bowl-Fort Washington, Pennsylvania  Sponsor: McNeil Laboratories, a Division of Johnson and Johnson  Play by play: Alex Gorsky  Color commentary by Michele Leonhart
  • The Florida Department of Corrections Incarceration Bowl-Tallahassee, Florida  Sponsor: The Florida Lottery  Play by play: Governor Rick Scott  Color commentary by George Zimmerman (we wish)

January 4th:

  • The Perazzi 28 Gauge Over and Under Bowl-Corpus Christi, Texas  Sponsors: Perazzi and Browning  Play by play: Dick Cheney  Color commentary by Harry Whittington
  • The American Family Neo-Fascist Bowl-Tupelo, Mississippi  Sponsors: The Tea Party/Hobby Lobby  Play by play: Tim Wildmon Color commentary by Bryan Fischer
  • The Very Excellent Laid-Back and Stress Free Bowl-Boulder, Colorado  Sponsor: NORML Play by play: Phil Lesh  Color commentary by Dr. Tim Leary (from the Great Beyond)

January 5th:

  • The Organophosphate Nerve Agent Bowl-Damascus, Syria  Sponsor: The Russian Republic  Play by play: Bashar al-Assad  Color commentary by Vladamir Putin
  • The Cruz-Bachmann Bowl For the Mentally Challenged-Stillwater Minnesota or Waterloo, Iowa  Sponsor: The Tea Party  Play by play: Senator Ted Cruz  Color commentary by Representative Michele Bachmann
  • The Benghazi Conspiracy and Cover-Up Bowl-Benghazi, Lybia Sponsor: Fox News  Play by play: Sean Hannity  Color commentary by Hillary Clinton

And the “grandaddy of them all” on January 8th:

  • The Obamacare DEATH PANEL Bowl-Washington, D.C. Sponsor: healthcare.gov  Play by play: Kathleen Sebeleius Color commentary by Satan, Prince of Darkness

Unfortunately a few bowls had to be canceled this year:

  • The Chevron Global Warming Bowl-The North Pole (Canceled due to inclement weather)
  • The Compassionate Conservative Bowl-Washington, D.C. (Canceled because of low attendance)
  • The Keith Olbermann Miscreant Bowl-New York, New York (Canceled due to low ratings)

We at the Cretonia Times-Picayune hope that this guide helps you in your quest to view or record as many football games as possible during the holiday season. Of course we believe that American football cannot compare with the beautiful game as played in the Barclay’s Premier League. We highly recommend it.