Tag Archives: fox

Ben Carson To Star In New X-Files Episode

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epa04115870 Professor Emeritus at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the 41st Annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, USA, 08 March 2014. EPA/MICHAEL REYNOLDS

 

LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Retired neurosurgeon and fantasy presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson will have a starring role in Episode 4 of the X-Files revival, which begins airing on Fox in January.

According to series creator Chris Carter, Carson will play a charismatic but criminally insane Seventh-day Adventist minister who plots terror attacks on abortion clinics, gay night clubs, and university science departments.

The episode in which Carson stars revolves around Molder and Scully trying to prevent a rumored attack on the U.S. Supreme Court.

“Originally we had written a much more complex role for Dr. Carson,” said Carter. “We had assumed that he had acting experience because we didn’t think that anyone could possibly believe the crap that comes out of his mouth. Boy were we wrong. The guy is a fucking fruitcake! So we got together and re-wrote the episode and gave him something he could really relate to. I think it’ll turn out just fine now.”

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In the much anticipated episode, Molder discovers that a mild mannered minister played by Carson is actually a Red Lectroid from Planet 10 bent on instituting a Christian version of sharia law in America. Blowing up the Supreme Court is just the first phase of his evil plan.

During an interview on CNN Variety editor Peter Bart said that Episode 4 is probably the most realistic scenario in the whole miniseries.

“The working title is ‘Idiot from Planet 10,'” said Bart.

“Basically it’s about a group of gullible white people who worship Carson and believe anything he says, no matter how ridiculous. They’ll do anything for him, including sacrificing their lives in an effort to turn America into a Christian theocracy.

“I don’t want to give away the whole thing, but I will say that Molder discovers that Carson’s church and compound is built under high voltage power lines, thus making the white folks highly susceptible to suggestion and even dumber than they normally are. It’s pretty realistic.”

Many pundits believe that the added exposure could help Carson boost his poll numbers with what can only be described as the unhinged batshit crazy base of the Republican Party.

The episode is scheduled to air in late February.

 

Uptick In Ratings Makes Fox News Viewers 4th Largest Cult On Earth

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Fox News enjoyed a slight increase in number of viewers during prime time last month from 2.5 to 2.63 million, according to the latest Nielson ratings. The increase was just enough to edge Fox viewers into fourth place in current cult standings, according the best available data.

The Fox News apologists edged out the anti-vaxxing crowd for the fourth spot.

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Fox Newsies have often been compared to everyone’s favorite even-toed ungulate, the sheep.

Cult ratings are based purely on numbers of followers or believers as can be best determined by polling, membership lists, and other information that can be confirmed using generally acceptable methods.

Far and away the largest cult on the planet continues to be the Climate Change Denier’s Club, consisting of nearly 30% of the population of the United States and a few other idiots from around the world.

Next comes the Mormon Church, followed by the Young Earth Creationists, Fox News Artiodactyls, the Anti-Vaxxer’s Association, and the Insane Conspiracy Theorist’s League. Rounding out the top ten are Glenn Beck’s Confederacy of Dunces, the Ku Klux Klan, Scientologists, and the U.S. House of Representatives.

“We’re really excited about the growth of the cult,” said Sean Hannity, Fox News anchor and well-known asshat.

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Like MSNBC viewers, Fox disciples have been known to believe anything they hear on the network, no matter how ridiculous. Recently Fox put forth the idea that President Obama funded a conspiracy to bus thousands of Arabs to the polls to defeat Bibi Netanyahu. Few of them realize that Arabs citizens have equal voting rights in Israel and now hold 14 seats in the Knesset.

“We’re always looking for folks who will swallow our garbage hook, line, and sinker. More acolytes means more money for us and that’s always good. It also means we can continue to push our hateful right-wing agenda at the expense of real news. We see this as a win-win for the Republican Party and Fox News as well.”

During a recent interview Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton Lewis asked Professor Toichi Hikita of the Banzai Institute just what the difference was between legitimate organizations and cults. Professor Hikita explained, “It’s sometimes difficult to differentiate because cult members can come from all areas of society and many of these nuts belong to more than one cult. Age, income, and level of education don’t seem to matter with these unhinged individuals.”

“The common denominator seems to be a combination of profound naiveté, an inability of the individual to engage in critical thought, and a desperate desire to have their own batshit ideas confirmed. I mean look at Scientology for example. You read their literature and say to yourself ‘who would believe that shit?’ and yet there are thousands of morons giving those cretins millions of dollars each year.”

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Professor Hikita said that despite the popularity of Fox News and other cults, it is important to remember that we are a nation of 320 million people, and the percentage of fruitcakes remains relatively low.

“There are otherwise intelligent human beings walking around that deny evolution exists, who think that the moon landings were staged, who believe that George Bush orchestrated 9/11, and think that President Obama is the Antichrist trying to destroy Israel, it’s really depressing if you dwell on it too long.”

“The really alarming thing is that many of these people vote in our elections,” concluded Hikita. “God knows what the future holds for this country.”

Professor Hikita did hold out some hope for America, however. He believes that a series of educational reforms could go a long way in curtailing the growth of wingnut groups and batshit belief systems in the future.

“If we start putting more emphasis on science, keep religious belief systems in churches and out of schools, and concentrate on teaching history as it actually occurred, I think we have a chance. If not, then we are in for a load of shit.”

 

 

 

 

Nation In Mourning As Dallas Residents Released From Quarantine

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Across the country conservatives from all walks of life donned black and lit candles today as 43 residents of Dallas, Texas were released from quarantine after showing no signs of Ebola three weeks after possible exposure to the deadly virus.

Health officials said that 43 of the 48 initial contacts of Ebola victim Thomas Eric Duncan are free to resume their lives after 21 days of isolation.

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Speaker Boehner told reporters that President Obama had carefully crafted his West Africa policy so that every American would eventually be infected with at least one type of hemorrhagic fever.

And while Dallas officials celebrated the milestone, they pleaded with the community not to stigmatize the people returning to their normal routines.

“There is zero risk that any of those people who have been marked off the list have Ebola,” Dallas County Judge Clay Jenkins said at a news conference. “They were in contact with the person who had Ebola and the time period for them to get Ebola has lapsed.

“They are people who need our compassion our respect and our love,” Jenkins added. “Treat them the way you would want your own family treated if you were in their place and they were in yours.”

Jenkins called the reintegration process a “defining moment” and urged Dallas residents to trust the science behind their recommendations.

“We have to believe in science,” Jenkins said. “That’s what separates us from other mammals.”

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Fox News pundits were quick to point out that we can never really trust the CDC, scientists, or the laws of nature and that a major outbreak of Ebola was just around the corner.

In response, Speaker of the House John Boehner called his own press conference and insisted that there was no real difference between Republicans and any other mammal that roams the planet living in fear of things it does not understand.

A tearful Boehner told journalists that “Many times I’ve tilted my head in confusion when I just could not comprehend certain concepts like gay marriage, climate change, or equal pay for women, and I’ve seen my dog do the very same thing when he hears a strange sound, so I really don’t know what Jenkins is talking about.”

Senator Lindsey Graham, who began self-flagellating on the steps of the Capitol when he heard the news, wholeheartedly agreed.

“Since when have we Republicans ever listened to scientists about anything? This whole Ebola thing is part of the Benghazi-ISIS-Obamacare conspiracy to kill every single American, and I won’t rest until the whole country is just as terrified as I am!”

Pundits from both Fox and CNN paused briefly during ISIS doomsday coverage long enough to remind America that although the Ebola crisis in Dallas appears to be contained for the time being, it could always defy the laws of physics and crop up all over the country at once, causing millions of deaths. Dr. Keith Ablow of Fox reminded viewers that of Ebola didn’t kill us all, a huge asteroid could wipe us out any minute anyway, so by far the best thing to do is to live in abject fear for the rest of our lives.