Tag Archives: Fox News Channel

Bill O’Reilly To Auction Off Prefrontal Cortex And Other Unused Personal Items

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NEW YORK-Fox News anchor and giant horse’s anus Bill O’Reilly announced on his show last night that he will be auctioning off various personal items each week on a new segment of his show entitled “Barfing Points.” All the proceeds for the items will be given to charity. The huge amounts garnered for each worthless article will be announced at maximum volume by the pompous ass himself so everyone will know of his selfless contributions to the unfortunate.

O’Reilly is set to kick-off the new segment early next week by auctioning off a pair of old socks and a worn-out bathrobe. The misogynistic curmudgeon told Fox’s racial sensitivity expert and egomaniac Megyn Kelly that he wanted to stick with items of interest to his core audience. Denture cream, Fleet enemas, adult diapers, and his own personal Hoveround top the list. As a special St. Patrick’s Day treat, O’Reilly plans to auction-off his prefrontal cortex and some other unused portions of his brain.

Later this year the megalomaniacal pundit plans to start auctioning off his household garbage to the highest bidder. “I generate a huge quantity of garbage, and I’m talking about at home, not all that twaddle you hear coming out of my mouth on the show. I know how much everyone loves and respects me, so I just figured that the things I no longer need, like empty Viagra bottles, could be bought and treasured by my fans. It’s all for a good cause. The greater glorification of yours truly, Mr. Bill O’Reilly, the living Son of God.

Fox News: “Thousands Dead Of Hypothermia Across The Southeast-Obamacare To Blame”

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NEW YORK-Fox News Channel continued its relentless attack on Obamacare this morning by blaming Winter Storm Leon on the Affordable Care Act. On the “coffee klatch” Fox News program Fox and Friends, aka Tres Idiotas, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was interviewed and gave the far-right Neandertal take on the events of the last 24 hours.

Cruz said “This tragedy across the southeast highlights the dangers of socialism in general and Obamacare in particular. Thousands of people were frozen alive in their vehicles after they ran out of gas on interstates, and tens of thousands more were trapped at work or at schools. I have it on good authority (Pat Robertson) that Winter Storm Leon represented the wrath of God aimed at the citizens of the southeast for allowing Obamacare to pass without seceding from the Union and going to war.”

With the three dim-witted hosts nodding agreement, Senator Cruz continued: “If America has any chance at all to survive the disasters that are in store for us in near future, it is vitally important that I be elected President so I can repeal Obamacare by executive order and do away with health care for the poor once and for all. I also see no need for Medicare, Medicaid, or Social Security. Pat told me that he has been informed by the Almighty that if Americans can’t fend for themselves, the next disaster will be a meteor the size of Rhode Island impacting the mid-section of our country. We just can’t take that risk.”

Senator Cruz then excused himself as aides dressed in hospital scrubs escorted him off the set.

Bill O’Reilly Laments Downfall of Western Civilizaton at the Hands of Personal Freedom

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NEW YORK-We here at the Times-Picayune could not let the week pass without reporting the latest abomination to spew from the lips of Fox News talking head and pompous ass Bill O’Reilly. O’Reilly is well-known for being vehemently against change of any sort. However, on Monday night Billy gave up all pretense of acting like a rational being as he sounded the clarion call for elderly white people the world over to take action against the deadly combination of personal freedom and technological progress.

O’Reilly began by blasting “the liberal media” for making pot glamorous and continued from there: “Teens using marijuana before the age of 18 are far more likely to develop psychosis, and one in six children who try pot will become addicted.” His lordship continued, “For more bad news, combine the drug aspect with the Internet. 33% of teenagers send more than 100 text messages a day and 66% say that their parents have imposed no rules regarding texting.”

O’Reilly concluded this chapter of his paranoid fantasy by saying “Young people in America are combining drugs, alcohol, and high-tech to build false lives and run away from reality. This is an epidemic that will lead to a weaker nation; anyone who tells you different is lying to you.”

But O’Reilly was not satisfied with warning us about this weird combination of supposed “threats” to our republic. Taking a page from Glenn Beck’s playbook he artfully weaved a conspiratorial tapestry of pseudo science, revisionist history, and wishful thinking into a horror so great that it would cause H.P. Lovecraft to cower in root cellar.

O’Reilly’s theory centers around the malevolent effects on society caused when personal freedom is combined with technological advancement. He believes that the synergy created by these two evil trends will in the end precipitate a cultural Armageddon from which there is no escape. O’Reilly zeroes in on the invention of the printing press in Germany by Gutenberg in 1450 (China was 400 years ahead of us) as being the single most destructive event in the history of western civilization.

“It allowed the spread and growth of literacy throughout Europe, a privilege that had rightly been reserved for representatives of the church,” said O’Reilly. “When ‘the folks’ started to learn how to read and slowly began to gain knowledge, serfdom was doomed, and the power of the Catholic Church began to deteriorate. It was only a matter of time until feudalism, a time-tested and church-approved way of life, was history.” At this point O’Reilly had to pause and wipe a tear from his eye.

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The steam locomotive was cited by O’Reilly as being a particularly evil invention as it “allowed people to travel anywhere they damn well pleased at minimal expense.”

O’Reilly composed himself and continued, “You see folks, increased knowledge walks hand in hand with a desire for liberty. More liberty and personal freedom breeds even more knowledge and with it comes technological innovation. It’s a hellish combination that causes a veritable avalanche of societal development that precipitates a ‘runaway freight train’ of progress.”

O’Reilly paused for effect as translucent nictitating membranes closed over his eyes. Then he said, “Progress in society inevitably makes reactionary sticks-in-the-mud such as you and me irrelevant. I have come to the conclusion that there is no hope for people like us.” At this point, obviously depressed and shaking uncontrollably, O’Reilly had to be helped off the set by his roommate and celibate life-partner Pat Buchanan.

Shortly after the conclusion of the broadcast, 911 operators across the United States were swamped by calls from predominately white nursing homes as thousands of O’Reilly viewers attempted suicide.

In the Spirit of the Season, Satan Offers Fox News Anchors Blanket Amnesty

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Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, offered to pardon every Fox News anchor and pundit today if they solemnly swear to never mention Obamacare again. Each television personality would be granted immunity for all other sins and be given free passage to Heaven upon death, and the Prince of Darkness would give up all rights to their eternal souls.

It seems that Mephistopheles and his lieutenants have been driven to distraction by the incessant round-the-clock drumbeat of inane and preposterous criticism about Obamacare.

At a press conference on the banks of the River Styx, Hades Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told a gathering of reporters and other condemned souls that “His Majesty is simply fed up and has had enough. For millennia we have always been the ‘go-to’ guys for torment, agony, suffering and hopelessness. Now here come these upstarts on a television network trying to ‘horn-in’ on our turf!” Balthazar continued, “However, let it be known that there’s no ‘War on Christmas’ down here, and as vile as these creatures are, His Majesty is willing to give them a second chance. From pompous Bill O’Reilly to hysterical Megyn Kelly, they all have the opportunity to do what is right and shut the hell up about Obamacare.”

Minos, Judge of the Dead, added, “We tried sending a ‘cease and desist’ order but it had no effect because Fox has no respect for the law. Apparently these people are so bent on denying health care to the poor that they will stop at nothing. I’ve never seen such a lack of compassion. It makes us look like a bunch of amateurs.”

Keres, hideous she-demon of violent death and disease, was also present at the press conference. “Look, I’m somewhat of an expert on health care. It’s my job to tear souls out of the dying, so I know what I’m talking about, and no health care system could be half as bad as what Greta Van Susteren describes on her show. And that idiot Sean Hannity, I’d rather rip my own head off rather than hear his vacuous arguments.”

Lord Balthazar emphasized that this was a one time deal and the agreements had to be signed by the end of the calendar year in order to be valid.

At the close of the presser Horkos was given a stack of Fed Ex envelopes and told by Balthazar to deliver the personalized contracts to each Fox anchor and pundit by the close of business today. No official word was given on what action Beelzebub will take if the agreements are rejected, but our sources in the Underworld tell us that as a last resort the Devil would offer Fox News employees lucrative positions in Purgatory tormenting the impure.

A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Lose

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Hysteria over the mythical “War On Christmas” reached a fever pitch at Fox News last week with multiple anchors and pundits becoming apoplectic over supposed threats to our most holy of holidays.

Anchor Megyn Kelly showed signs of losing her small mind during a discussion of Aisha Harris’ column in Slate. Harris had suggested that Santa could possibly be changed to a “race neutral” being such as a penguin. As we know, any suggestion of cultural or societal change in America is met with venomous and often incoherent outrage by Fox News personnel, and Kelly is no exception.

On her Wednesday show Kelly waxed ignorant on the subject: “For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But Santa is what he is.”

Kelly continued, “I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa – I just want the kids watching to know that.”

Where does one begin to analyze this mess?

In the first place, Aisha Harris has to realize that the chances of replacing Santa with Penguin Claus are about as good as replacing the Easter Bunny with an avenging alien Xenomorph. Santa Claus is about as entrenched in American culture as Bill O’Reilly is at Fox News. He’s not going anywhere.

But Kelly’s reaction to the “Penguin Claus” suggestion was bordering on the insane. Not satisfied with criticizing Harris about Santa, she had to bring Jesus into the mix, claiming both were white guys. Kelly, like many Fox anchors, has a real problem discerning fact from fiction and conjecture. Both gentlemen in question, Saint Nicholas and Jesus of Nazareth, were born in areas of the world not particularly known for an abundance of white skinned, blonde, blue-eyed citizens, Kelly’s attempt to make them Aryans notwithstanding.

Kelly is not alone in her madness. Another Fox anchor, Gretchen Carlson, went ballistic over a “Festivus Pole” erected at the Cretonia Capitol in Tallahassee. She said, “Why do I have to drive around with my kids to look for nativity scenes and be like, ‘Oh yeah kids, look. There’s Baby Jesus behind the Festivus pole made out of beer cans!”

The most obvious answer to Gretchen is, “You don’t.” In fact, all of us would be grateful if you and your children stayed at home, where you will do the least amount of damage. And by the way, while you’re there you could enjoy a little PBR yourself. It might relieve a little tension and loosen you up.

All of this furor over some mythical “War On Christmas” is only designed to fill broadcast time at Fox while anchors take a breather from bashing Obamacare. It puts on display the insecurity of both the anchors and their overwhelmingly white, aging audience. To paraphrase Jon Stewart, Fox News lives in a world of pure fear and despair where every inconsequential change becomes a harbinger of a dystopian post-America apocalypse.

We realize that an ego the size of Manhattan is apparently a mandatory trait in order to be an anchor on any network in this day and age, but a little humility when one makes an idiot of oneself would be refreshing.

However, instead of apologizing for her rant, Kelly devoted an entire segment of her show on Friday to criticizing her detractors and letting us know how important and powerful both Fox News and Megyn Kelly really are. She accused her critics of race-baiting, among other things.

Say what?

As Baby Jesus’ supposed birth-date nears we will no doubt be treated to more of this insanity. It’s just a damn shame that Megyn could not stick to modeling swimsuits and lingerie instead of commenting on societal issues. She is far better equipped for the former pursuit.

In the immortal words of Dan Quayle, “What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.”

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An Obamacare Holiday Massacre

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Fox News interrupted coverage of the mythical “War on Christmas” today to report the latest in a long line of Obamacare atrocities.The report, if corroborated by actual news organizations, could deal a heavy blow to the new health care system.

Starship Captain and cutting edge investigative reporter Shepherd Smith reported a huge loss of life associated with the healthcare.gov website. Hundreds of thousands if not millions of innocents lost their lives in the run up to Thanksgiving because of a software “glitch” on the site. “They had logged on seeking health insurance for their families and instead were rerouted to the dreaded ‘Death Panel’  page, where they were immediately condemned,” said Smith. “These poults never had a chance,” Smith continued, “they were rounded up, executed, and became the main course in households across the country on Thanksgiving Day.”

Smith featured an interview on his program with Sean Hannity, Fox’s ace debater and insightful intellectual. Hannity revealed an even more shocking aspect of the disaster. “My sources have informed me that some of these innocent young turkeys had knowledge of Hillary Clinton’s involvement in the Benghazi abomination, and were threatening to expose her,” said Hannity. “This is an insidious conspiracy that reaches the highest levels of government, and we intend to spend the next eight or nine months speculating about it on my show.”

Representative Michele Bachman, who vociferously warned her constituents about these “Death Panels”, was unavailable for comment as she was attending a Tea Party sponsored “Origin of the Species” book burning festival at the Texas Board of Education along with Senator Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz Zombie Theory Discredited By Scientists

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Scientists at the Center For Sanity in Politics discounted the theory that Ted Cruz is actually a zombie under the control of Tea Party coven leader Michele Bachmann. “We really believe that it is unlikely that Cruz is a zombie, despite his irrational actions and lack of higher brain function,” said Dr. Frank Black, head of research at CSP.

Speculation and rumor concerning Cruz increased last week after an event at a fundraiser in Muleshoe, Texas. Cruz was ranting about how Obamacare will end life as we know it on planet earth when, during a particularly violent gesticulation, a portion of his right index finger flew off into the crowd. Although no one in the audience noticed, the event was caught on video and quickly went viral on the Web.

Dr. Black and his team have since been analyzing the video along with other videos of speeches by the Senator. “We think that it is far more likely that Cruz is either a replicant like the others manufactured at Fox News Laboratories or possibly he is some form of genetic throwback,” Black said. “Either possibility would account for his total lack of empathy for the poor and otherwise disadvantaged citizens of this country.”

“What we find truly baffling is that this man was ever elected in the first place, but I suppose stranger things have happened,” said Black. “After all, 48% of Americans believe UFO’s are some form of alien visitation, and 41% believe we are living in the end times described in the Bible. There seems to be a bottomless well of idiocy in the United States,” Black said.

Although Cruz was unavailable for comment, an aide to the Senator stated “These rumors are ridiculous. Furthermore, the loss of Sen Cruz’ finger will in no way affect his ability to govern if elected President. He will still be able to push the nuclear button at the slightest provocation. He’ll simply use his left hand.”