Gigantic Scrotum On Collision Course With Earth

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HONOLULU – (CT&P) – Less than one hour after the Supreme Court issued its ruling on marriage equality, astronomers at the Maui Space Surveillance Site detected a huge asteroid hurtling towards earth.

The scrotum-shaped rock is roughly the size of Texas and is traveling about 30 kilometers per hour. Scientists have calculated that the asteroid will strike somewhere near the geographic center of the lower 48.

Officials at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory confirmed the siting and told CNN that the asteroid is weird in that it appears to be piloted by a 2000 year-old dude of Middle Eastern descent with a beard and flowing robes.

On May 1st, End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles warned his unbalanced and bigoted audience that just this thing was going to happen. When reached for comment Wiles said “I told you so! This is what happens when you offer health insurance to the poor and let gay people get married. God is angry and is going to cleanse America of sin with this flaming fireball of divine justice.”

The Right Reverend Franklin Graham, who called for “spiritual warfare” against pro-gay businesses recently, told Fox News that he didn’t quite expect such a rapid response from the all-loving deity, but was happy to see it just the same.

“I think it’s great that God has decided to immolate the United States,” said Graham. “When you go against the teachings of old book written before we knew that our own excrement should not be disposed of in our water supply, bad things happen.”

Reverend Graham was later seen preparing to abandon his flock and get the hell out of the United States on his private jet.

Some religious leaders expressed disappointment that Alaska and Hawaii had apparently been spared the destruction, but they all rejoiced when JPL announced they had detected a giant penis-shaped comet aimed at Anchorage and a huge cloud of space debris resembling a vagina speeding towards the Pacific island chain.

 

 

 

 

Fox To Air ‘So You Think You’re A Sprinter’ In September

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox has announced that it will air its newest reality show, So You Think You’re A Sprinter, in late September. The show will be shot live on location in a number of major metropolitan areas around the country.

The innovative program will feature unarmed black teens attempting to flee police custody while avoiding flying billy clubs, Tasers, and gunfire from a variety of military grade weapons.

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Cops who successfully neutralize contestants through the use of brute force, electric shock, machine gun fire, or any other civil rights violation will be awarded the Bedford Forrest Medal of Gallantry, a small cash prize, and an all expenses paid trip to the Annual FOP Dog Killing Festival in Little Rock this spring

The show will consist of eight one-hour episodes during which the number of contestants will be whittled down through a process of exhaustion, depression, life threatening back injuries, and death, all at the hands of rogue cops.

During the last episode, if any of the original contestants are still alive, they will be forced to run  a gauntlet of angry white rednecks armed with deer rifles who will be chosen at random from rural areas in Florida, Texas and Arkansas.

Executives at Fox are quite optimistic that the show will be a hit, citing the success of an entire news channel devoted to the kind of people who would really enjoy just this kind of thing.

The show is expected to air on September 25th, and will be going up against the new offering from Bravo, Real Housewives of the Gaza Strip; ABC’s popular docudrama Last Terrorist Standing, a cautionary tale about five dumbass Arab goat herders duped into joining ISIS; and CBS’s controversial new red state sitcom about how zany  gay marriage can be in ‘The Land That Time Forgot.” It will be called How I Met Your Scrotum.

 

Franklin Graham Encourages Christians To Be More Like Jesus And Hate Gay People

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CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA – (CT&P) – During a press conference earlier this week, wacko religious kook the Right Reverend Franklin Graham (R-Loonesville) had a novel idea: “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. Maybe if enough of us do this, it will get their attention.”

Among other things, Graham is incensed that Wells Fargo Bank is running an ad which includes the story of a lesbian couple learning sign language before adopting a child who is deaf.

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Graham warned that if the Supreme Court makes gay marriage the law of the land, the Ape Coalition would push for equal rights and “God would damn us all to HELL!”

Incensed by this blatant display of love and compassion, Graham announced that the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association To Promote the Financial Health and Narcissism of Franklin Graham and Jesus Our Lord will no longer be doing business with the bank.

“The Prince of Peace and Lord of Light would vomit if he were here to see this kind of tenderness, warmth, and charity being shown by these people,” said Graham. “It’s disgusting!”

Graham went on to rave that “good” Christians should boycott Starbucks, Tiffany’s, Nike, Target, Ford, Levi’s, Amazon, Home Depot, Expedia, Microsoft, Pepsi, Proctor and Gamble, Gap, Oreo, Macy’s, Old Navy, Banana Republic, General Mills, J.C. Penney, Walgreen’s, Ben and Jerry’s, Google, eBay, Orbitz, Jet Blue, Mastercard, Johnson and Johnson, Goldman Sachs, UBS, Marriott, Cisco, the liberal media, the Democrat Party, the Catholic Church, the Episcopal Church, the Mormon Church, the Methodist Church, Unitarians, Zionists, all state and federal government offices and employees, every country in continental Europe, anyone who exhibits higher brain function, liberals, and Whataburger.

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After pleading with his followers to boycott almost every fucking business on the planet, Graham begged believers to read their Bibles, where one can find justification for almost any abomination man has ever committed.

“These are all evil institutions who do the work of Satan and must be driven into the fiery pit of Hell,” screamed Graham, as tears and mucous ran down his face. “This outpouring of compassion and love for people who do not share our weird, repressed sexuality marks the end of Christian civilization as we know it!

“Anyone with any sense knows that God hates fags and Jesus wouldn’t have been caught dead with anyone who showed love and compassion for his fellow-man! I’m calling on anyone who has a few spare dollars to contribute to my tax-free ministry so I can more effectively fight these evil institutions. You can send us a check or use the handy ‘Contribute to Jesus’ button on our website. Please give generously or you may find yourself in the Lake of fucking Fire one day!”

So far the response to the unbalanced Graham’s absurd boycott has been lukewarm.

“If we boycott all these businesses we’ll be living in a fucking mud hut somewhere,” said R.W. Scrotum, a Christian from Falls Church, Virginia.

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After the press conference Graham retired to his study where he prayed that every gay man on earth be cast into the Lake of Fire so he wouldn’t be tempted anymore.

“The dude must have had some sort of stroke or something,” said Ethyl Chloride, a Christian from Birmingham, Alabama. “I’ll pray for the bastard. Maybe that will help,” she chuckled.

Corporate reaction to the threatened boycott has been roughly the same as that from Franklin’s far-flung band of unstable followers.

“Like many who are rabidly against gay marriage and equal rights for all our citizens, Franklin Graham has struggled with his sexuality for many years,” said Wells Fargo CEO John Stumpf.

“I think Mr. Graham needs to pick up a paper or watch some channel other than Fox News every once in a while. He might be able to pick up on the fact that we’re no longer in the Middle Ages. As far as I’m concerned he can take his boycott and shove it up his ass. It makes no difference to us.”

 

 

God Vows To Destroy Ireland The First Chance He Gets

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PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN – (CT&P) – Sources close to Almighty God told Fox News today that the benevolent creator of the universe will devastate Ireland with a series of droughts, heat waves, earthquakes, tsunamis, and a major zombie outbreak “just as soon as he has the time to do so.”

The sources, who wished to remain anonymous lest the all-loving deity seek vengeance against them, said that God intended to punish Ireland for daring to treat all her citizens equally and allowing homosexuals to get married.

“He’s really pissed off,” said on source, “and he plans on killing hundreds of thousands of Irish men, women, and children indiscriminately and then later on sort out just who voted for marriage equality.”

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Sources told Fox News that gay marriage would destroy America because an all-merciful God would hurl a gigantic scrotum at the geographic center of the continental United States, killing the entire population

The source said that those who voted in favor of the abominable practice will be sent by the compassionate all-powerful divine being to be roasted in the flames of Hell for all of eternity, whereas those who voted “no” will only be placed in Purgatory for several decades until their sins are washed away through the use of a series of hideous but really creative torture schemes.

The sources did not provide a date and time at which the disasters would commence, but they assured Fox News anchor Sean Hannity that the horrific bloodletting would occur well before the “End Times,” which have been eagerly awaited for over 2000 years.

“We’ll just have to wait and see,” said one source. “You know His Lovingness has been really busy lately destroying Nepal, roasting India, and diverting rain from all those sinners in California and dumping it on those idiots in Texas and Oklahoma.”

The source also said that the Supreme Being was fashioning a giant scrotum-shaped asteroid to hurl at the United States if SCOTUS dares to show good sense and compassion and allows marriage equality to become the law of the land.

“As you know the Lord works in mysteriously stupid ways,” said the source.

 

 

Huckabee Warns Of Apocalypse If SCOTUS Rules In Favor Of Inter-Species Marriage

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FORBIDDEN ZONE – (CT&P) – During a campaign swing through the Forbidden Zone today, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee warned crowds that if the Supreme Court rules in favor of inter-species marriage then all hell will break loose and America will be plucked from the surface of the earth and cast into the Lake of Fire.

“God will never forgive us for this,” said a sweating Huckabee. “Inter-species breeding is an abomination in the sight of Our Lord. We’ve already condemned ourselves to thousands of years in Purgatory for legalizing abortion and allowing minorities to vote. We don’t want to seal our fate by offering legal protection to those who wish to ignore God’s commandments.”

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Huckabee told adoring crowds that God would destroy America and murder millions of men, women, and children if we didn’t profess our love for him on a daily basis.

Although he is considered a long shot, Huckabee’s campaign for the Republican nomination has gathered steam in recent days as he has traveled the country pandering to his base of insane religious zealots, backwoods bigots, and gospel band base players.

Among other things, Huckabee has promised to set up “death panels” to determine whether liberals and atheists will be burned at the stake or simply sent to Christian re-education camps. He’s also promised to limit the tax exempt status of churches to those who “love Jesus” and will deport all Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and members of other faiths.

One of Huckabee’s most popular programs with his base is his “Back to the Promised Land” initiative, in which he proposes sending all Jewish Americans to Israel “where they belong.” “We love Israel and the Jews as a people because they were chosen by God, but we really don’t want to deal with those Christ killers on a personal basis,” said Huckabee.

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Huckabee told students at Simian High School in Half-life, New York that God was watching them 24 hours a day and any deviation from the strict and bizarre rules set forth in the Bible would result in them spending eternity in Hell.

The former governor promised that if he is elected president, homosexuals, pedophiles, and those practicing bestiality will all be executed except in certain areas of Arkansas and rural Appalachia where he polls well.

Most political experts believe that Huckabee stands little chance of gaining the Republican nomination, much less becoming president, but Huckabee insists that America needs to “hear the Good News of God’s love” from one of his loyal servants, so he will continue campaigning as long as he can con poor white people out of 10-25 dollar donations.

“I’m out here trying to stop America from becoming a progressive and caring nation with equality for all despite their sexual orientation or choice of mate,” said Huckabee. “I feel if we all pull together we can make America a shining light for all those around the globe who want to return to the Middle Ages and a social hierarchy based on the divine right of kings.”

Huckabee is scheduled to swing through the old Confederacy next week where he will be introducing his “Barefoot and Pregnant” initiative for newly married females.

 

 

Georgia Florist Provides Long-Awaited Answers On Sin, Ten Commandments

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – For centuries scholars, philosophers, representatives of the church, and lay people alike have puzzled over just which sins were the most heinous, and in which order the Ten Commandments should be ranked. It has been the subject of debate for over 2000 years within the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Now the definitive answers have come from a surprising source; professional florist, part-time Biblical scholar, and full-time homophobe Mrs. Melissa Jeffcoat.

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Mrs. Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus appears in her dreams regularly and gives her advice on important decisions. She said that he also told her that the CIA had planted listening devices in her flower shop.

Jeffcoat, who runs a florist shop in rural Jeff Davis County, has been studying the problem for decades and made her findings public during an interview with Gary Tuchman of CNN.

Mrs Jeffcoat told Tuchman that under no circumstances would she provide flowers for a same-sex couple’s wedding, because choosing to be gay is by far the worst sin anyone could possibly commit. Mrs Jeffcoat went on to say that she  was not going to be the “tool of Satan” by providing lovely flower arrangements for an event sanctioned by Lucifer.

Tuchman countered by saying, “In the Ten Commandments, it says you can’t commit adultery,” adding, “It says you need to honor your father and mother.”

When Tuchman asked whether she would provide flowers for an adulterer or someone who had “dishonored” their parents, she said she would not have a problem serving them.

“Well, why would you serve them but not serve someone who is gay?” the reporter asked.

“It’s just a different kind of sin to me,” Jeffcoat replied. “I just don’t believe in it. Adultery, murder, bestiality, cannibalism, genocide, they all pale in comparison to being gay.”

When Tuchman inquired of Jeffcoat how she came up with her rankings of different sins, she said after years of research and praying over the problem, Jesus came to her in a dream in the form of a velociraptor and pointed a six- inch claw at a smouldering rose bush. The voice of God came out of the bush and told her that he hated fags worse than anything and then proceeded to rank various sins in order of their importance, from murder all the way down to forgetting to floss your teeth before bed.

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Jeffcoat said that sometimes Jesus appeared as a white man with a beard riding a Tyrannosaur that he called “Spike.”

“I don’t know why God chose me,” said Jeffcoat, “but we all know he works in mysterious ways, and this sure as hell is no exception.”

Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus now regularly appears in her dreams providing her guidance on everything from romance to grocery shopping. “Lately he’s been telling me to buy a shotgun and go on a multi-state murder spree, but I think I’m going to wait till after the June rush to do that,” said Jeffcoat.

Jeffcoat’s son Carlton, who is apparently as wacked-out as his mother, told CNN that everything his mother said was entirely accurate and true, because it was the word of God. He is currently studying to become a Southern Baptist minister in order to amass a fortune on television and avoid paying taxes on any of it.

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Jeffcoat’s son Carlton is studying to be a Southern Baptist minister so he can fleece gullible believers and use the cash to live an extravagant lifestyle

“I serve a God who’s higher than any Supreme Court judge, that’s called the judge of the universe,” he told Tuchman. “I don’t care what anybody else says, I know what’s right and what the good Lord wants, and by God he wants us to hate fags. I’m just as bigoted and hateful as any other redneck down here and I’m sure as hell not gonna change just because we have a dictator for president.”

When Tuchman asked him what President Obama had to do with it, Carlton said, “He’s the source of all evil in the modern world, God told me so, and besides, I heard it on Fox.”

Georgia Company To Fill Void Left By Memories Pizza

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – A pizza chain headquartered in the mountainous region of north Georgia has stepped up to fill the gaping void left by the closure of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. Considered a “mainstay” in Walkerton, the pizzeria is now closed and may not reopen. Memories owners Kevin O’Connor and his daughter Crystal closed the restaurant after a withering assault on social media and numerous vicious phone calls.

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Co-founder of Deliverance Herbert “Cowboy” Coward told Wolf Blitzer that his establishments have always encouraged love and intimacy between family members, even cousins.

Herbert “Cowboy” Coward, co-founder and CEO of Deliverance Pizza, a chain of family restaurants headquartered in the north Georgia town of Dillard, told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his company was eager to take up the slack.

“We currently have 11 units scattered throughout the mountains of north Georgia, but we’ve been thinking of expanding out-of-state, and the O’Connor’s loss just might be our gain,” said Coward.

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All Deliverance units boast live music on Friday and Saturday nights.

Deliverance, which specializes in pizzas featuring wild game toppings blended with pork, is by far the most popular pizza in rural areas of north Georgia. In fact, Deliverance outsells Pizza Hut and Domino’s combined. The chain’s most popular pizza, called “The Squeal,” features a combination of ham, venison, and pork sausage toppings.

“We’ll probably start by making the O’Connors an offer on their shop and go from there,” said Coward.

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Coward told Blitzer that he looks forward to the day that marriage equality was a reality in Georgia so he could marry Ned, his partner of over 40 years.

“But I want to make one thing clear from the outset Wolf; Deliverance Pizza has always been a gay friendly establishment. A good portion of our business comes from the red-hot gay wedding pizza catering industry, and we want to hold onto to those customers like a you would a fattened sow.”

“We’ve always supported gay marriage, whether it’s forced or by consent. There’s nothing quite as beautiful as seeing two members of the same-sex declare their love for one another, even if one partner is a little reluctant at first. I can remember when Ned and I first got together. It was rocky times for a while but once we settled down no one could pry us apart, and we still feel that way to this day!”

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Many Deliverance pizzerias have outdoor playgrounds so the kids can entertain themselves while waiting on their pizza.

On an appearance on Fox News, where the O’Connors have become instant heroes, anchor Neal Cavuto asked Crystal if they would accept Coward’s offer or were her and her dad planning on reopening their restaurant.

Crystal replied, “Are you kiddin’? Hell no we ain’t reopenin’ the fuckin’ restaurant! This GoFundMe crap is the shit! It’s better than winning the goddam lottery! When this cash runs out we’re gonna bad-mouth another minority group. Right now it’s a toss-up between the blacks and the Messicans…we just ain’t done decided which one yet.”

It should come as a surprise to no one that Neanderthals from across the country have contributed close to $700,000 to the O’Connors through the GoFundMe website to date, and the flow of cash shows no signs of abating. It seems that bigotry and hatred are alive and well in America today.

 

Alabama To Reconsider Sharia Law

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MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA (CT&P) – A group of Alabama state senators backed by religious zealot Judge Roy Moore and unhinged racist congressman Mo Brooks (R-AL) have introduced a bill in the Alabama legislature that would effectively overturn a November ballot initiative that banned Sharia law from being used in Alabama’s court system. The November initiative was passed by an overwhelming majority of 72% of voters.

Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa), the idiot who introduced the original amendment, told the Birmingham News that recent events have caused him to change his mind about the ballot initiative. “The decision by a federal court judge to overturn our ban on gay marriage, and the horrible measles outbreak across our dear country have made me think that we may have been a bit too hasty,” said the imbecile from Tuscaloosa.

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State Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa) is one of the most conservative members of Congress. He is also a passionate xenophobe who wears his feelings on his forehead.

“Judge Moore and Representative Brooks have convinced me and several other senators to introduce the ‘Sharia Ain’t So Bad’ bill early next month,” said Allen. “The bill will overturn the ballot initiative and introduce our own version of Sharia into the court system, although our version will be called Chriria, and will be based on the Bible instead of the Quran.”

Judge Moore, famous for his religious zealotry that most Americans thought we left behind in the Middle Ages, set up a series of meetings with the senators when it became apparent that the federal government was going to attempt to drag Alabama kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

“If we allow these fags and lesbians to marry, it will be the end of the world as we know it and God will take back the coal, deer, and other natural resources that he bestowed upon us at the Creation,” said the sexually insecure homophobe.

Representative Mo Brooks joined the fray because he is convinced that the measles outbreak has been caused by illegal dingoes crossing the U.S.-Mexico border. The dingoes in question are said to be seeking political asylum after years of oppression in Australia.  The wacked-out right-wing kook is also against abortion in any form and thinks that stem cell research is the work of Satan.

“Chriria law will help us keep subhuman Central American kids and diseased dingoes out of America,” said the bigoted freak from the 5th District. It’ll also help us to keep women where they belong, in the bed or in the kitchen.”

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Judge Moore argued that many Alabama residents have been complying with Sharia law for decades.

Senator Allen told the Montgomery Advertiser that in the end it was a pretty easy decision to introduce the bill.

“When we all sat down and really thought about it, we decided that we really have a lot in common with those Islamic savages from the 7th century. We both think women are our property, we both think that a nation should be governed by a set of archaic religious laws, and of course we both fear homosexuals and think they should be thrown onto concrete from a great height.”

As of yet there are no polls to indicate how the residents of Alabama will respond to the flip-flop, but most pundits think that as long as the politicians say that the new law is based on the Bible, it will pass without too much trouble.

“You can convince these idiots to pass just about anything if you say that Jesus wants them too,” chuckled Senator Allen.

On another note, Alabama is currently ranked third behind Florida and Texas as the most idiotic state in the Union, but it appears to be rapidly gaining ground.

“In recent years Florida and Texas have really been kicking our ass,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. “But it is my sincere hope that the recent actions of Judge Moore, Representative Brooks, and Senator Allen will boost us back to our rightful position as laughingstock of the entire country.”

 

 

 

Psychiatric Team From UAB Officially Declares Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore ‘Batshit Crazy’

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BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA (CT&P) – Controversial and dumb as dirt Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore has been declared “legally fucking insane” by a team of esteemed psychiatrists from the University of Alabama in Birmingham. A clerk for the judge responded to the decision by saying that the doctors were obviously the servants of Lucifer and are part of a huge conspiracy to undermine the judge and his wacked-out ideas.

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Judge Moore became famous when he refused to remove a ridiculous monument of the Ten Commandments from the judicial building even though he was ordered to do so by a federal judge. “Too bad they didn’t drop the damn thing on him,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley

The judge has been involved in some of the most idiotic escapades in the history of jurisprudence over his illustrious career, which has been devoted to resisting change and progress at every turn.

Judge Moore, who regularly criticizes any idea hatched after the Middle Ages, became nationally known for his refusal, in 2003, in his first term as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court, to remove a monument of the Ten Commandments from the Alabama Judicial Building despite orders to do so from a federal judge. On November 13, 2003, the Alabama Court of the Judiciary unanimously removed Moore from his post as Chief Justice on the grounds that he was “too ignorant to hold the post and was making Alabama the laughing stock of the entire country.”

On November 6, 2012, the apparently masochistic voters in the State of Alabama voted Moore back to the office of Alabama Chief Justice. He defeated Democratic candidate Bob Vance.

Recently, Moore made headlines again when in a letter to Alabama Governor Robert Bentley he urged the governor to ignore the federal ruling striking down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage. In the letter the deranged judge compared himself to abolitionists and desegregationists standing up against the “rejection of God’s law by the satanic demons currently possessing the federal judiciary.”

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The sexually insecure Moore believes that homosexuals have been sent by Satan to corrupt our children and send them straight to hell

The psychiatric team from UAB, led by Dr. Adrienne Lahti, Director for the Division of Behavioral Neurobiology, found that Judge Moore has paranoid delusions concerning the federal government and believes that he has a direct line of communication with God and Saint Peter.

“The man is unhinged,” said Lahti, in an interview with the Birmingham News. “He thinks he is some sort of holy warrior sent by God to save the state and the country from the evils of homosexuality. We think that this sexual insecurity stems from the fact that he did not get enough attention as a child.”

Dr. Andrea Dickens, Director of Psychiatric Emergency Services and part of the team that examined Judge Moore, agreed. “The man is out of his fucking mind. He’s a threat to himself and all those around him. Having him on the Alabama Supreme Court is like putting a two year old in charge of a nuclear plant. It’s insane.”

The team has recommended that Judge Moore be placed in secure institution until such time that he does not pose a threat to himself or the public, which should be just after hell freezes over.

Poll Finds Four Out Of Five Imbeciles Believe Obama Has ‘Destroyed America’

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A shocking new Fox News poll has revealed that approximately 80% of imbeciles living in the continental United States think that President Obama has destroyed America. The poll was taken on December 30th. Participants were randomly chosen from imbeciles currently listed on the National Idiot’s Register in Washington, D.C.

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The imbeciles were randomly chosen from the National Idiot’s Register in Washington, D.C.

 

The poll consisted of two simple statements that imbeciles were required to complete. The statements were followed by a comment section where each imbecile was given the opportunity to voice his or her views on the subject.

 

Participants were first given the opportunity to complete the following sentence:

 

 

President Obama has

A. not destroyed the country.

B. somewhat destroyed the country.

C. really, really destroyed the country.

D. completely and utterly destroyed the country.

 

Those imbeciles that answered “B,” “C,” or “D” were then asked to complete this sentence:

President Obama has destroyed the country because

A. he is black.

B. of Obamacare.

C. of Benghazi

D. he is a member of the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids.

E. All of the above

 

Fox researchers found that over 80% of imbeciles polled thought that Mr. Obama had in some way ‘destroyed the country,’ with over 90% of those imbeciles answering “E” to the second question.

Paradoxically, the researchers also discovered that although imbeciles thought that the country had been destroyed, they continued to insist that it was the greatest country on earth and was humanity’s last, best hope for the future.

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Members of the International Moron’s Association complained that they were left out of the poll, but researchers at Fox said that their inability to operate telephones or computers precluded their participation.

Perhaps the most revealing part of the poll was the comments section, which illustrated just ignorant imbeciles in this country are.

Billy Bob McSneed, an imbecile from Running Sore, Arkansas said: “That negra wants to give poor people medical care and let a bunch of infected foreign kids into the United States. He’s a disgrace, and it’s only a matter of time before he lets the United Nations come and get all our guns!”

Jean “Genius” Mims, an imbecile from Melanoma Beach, Florida said: “I may not be able to read, but I darn shore know destruction when I seen it, and let me tell you, this country had been destructed!”

Billy Frank McDim of Rabid Beaver, Minnesota said: “That man is downright insane. He’s bent on destroying all of us with his gay marriage and enlightened foreign policy. The next thing you know it’ll be legal to marry your goat! Everybody knows that big business and Jesus are our only hope. I just thank God every day for smart people like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin!”

One of the few imbeciles that thought that President Obama had not destroyed the country was Tampaxia Reynolds from Mobile, Alabama who said: “I really have not noticed that the United States has been destroyed, but maybe that’s because I don’t watch Fox News. I really don’t know.”

As with all Fox News polls, the survey has a margin of error of +/- 35%.