Tag Archives: gay marriage

Obama Destroys Country Again This Year

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BLUE MOUNTAIN BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – Fox News is reporting that America has once again been completely and utterly destroyed by President Barack Obama. This marks the 6th time during his presidency that he has managed to lay waste to the North American land mass known as the United States.

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Although America has been completely destroyed again this year, Obama seems not to give a damn. The President was seen earlier today playing football with his pet canine amid the ruins of our once great nation.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest confirmed that America had been destroyed again at a press conference held early this morning in the Rose Garden.

“We’re proud that we managed to annihilate this once beautiful country and leave it in ruins yet again this year,” said Earnest, as he tuned one of the many special edition White House violins.

“President Obama was quite pleased that this year we got the job done early so he could take a much-needed vacation and recharge his batteries for the next round of obliteration scheduled to begin on January 1st. You know it takes a lot of energy to usurp power and then destroy all that is good about a nation.”

However, not everyone is convinced that Armageddon is just around the corner.

“The economy is in the best shape it has been in for a decade, unemployment is down, gas is under $2.00 per gallon, millions of poor people are now covered by health insurance, and there’s progress on the gay marriage front,” said New York Times Editor Dean Baqet, “but for some reason those cretins over at Fox insist that the country is on the brink of an apocalypse. I think it’s mainly because the President continues to be black even after six years in office.”

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As part of the network’s show “2014: America’s Trail of Tears,” Fox News pundit and brainless dunderhead Andrea Shlemiel Tantaros will make predictions for 2015. It should be an “awesome” and uplifting broadcast.

Indeed, Fox News continues to report ad nauseam that Obamacare, the Benghazi non-conspiracy, immigration policy, sex crazed predatory homosexuals, civil rights protestors, warming relations with Cuba, and just about every other fucking thing you could imagine has left the country a smoking wreck reminiscent of post WW II Europe.

However, one group of Americans seems to be blissfully unaware that we are all doomed.

“Our customers are happy and optimistic as hell,” said Joseph Clayton, President and CEO of DISH Network. “It’s absolutely amazing what a week free of propaganda and misinformation will do for people.”

 

 

 

 

Homophobe Bryan Fischer To Be Fitted With Experimental New Muzzle

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Experts have postulated that Fischer’s archaic beliefs and rampant homophobia have something to do with his lifelong battle with constipation

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Right-wing radio host and American Family Association Spokesman Bryan Fischer will be fitted with an experimental new muzzle that will deliver an electric shock to the unhinged pundit whenever he says something incredibly stupid or hateful, according to AFA President Tim Wildmon.

“We have tolerated this idiot long enough,” said Wildmon, during an interview with Jesus Daily, a national tabloid devoted to all things Jesus. “He’s running off donors right and left with this obsession he has with homosexuals. He can’t even complete a sentence on the air without talking about gay marriage, sodomites, or homosexual behavior. I’m starting to think that the old geezer needs psychiatric treatment.”

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The experimental muzzle has only been tried before on serial killers and Dear Leader Kim Jong-un’s pet Alsatians that are regularly used to rip political opponents to shreds after being covered in Hardee’s biscuit gravy

The tipping point for Wildmon’s decision to use the device, which has only been used before to train political execution dogs in North Korea, was apparently Fischer’s wild rant on his radio show over the weekend.

During a half-crazed 15 minute diatribe about God and gays, Fischer, like so many other evangelicals, pretended to know the mind of God and insisted that the omniscient and all-powerful deity was just as infatuated with homosexuality as he is.

During the borderline psychotic episode Fischer defended his Neolithic opposition to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender rights, arguing that anti-LGBT sentiment was a “natural revulsion.”

Fischer told his “Focal Point” listeners that the term “sodomy” has become culturally obsolete since “it’s an ugly word, because it refers to an ugly practice.”

“It’s not the word, it’s what it describes, it’s what it refers to,” he said. “We have a natural revulsion to that kind of behavior just as God does. We got that from God. God reacts the same way to homosexual behavior, to sodomy, as we do.”

One caller objected to Fischer’s observations, pointing out that the same God that created straights undoubtedly created gays as well, and besides, watching Bryan Fischer have heterosexual sex would be far more revolting than sodomy could ever be.

Apparently Tim Wildmon agreed with the caller because immediate action is being taken to bring the unhinged and sexually insecure Fischer to heel.

Wildmon told reporters that it would probably take few days to get the voltages and fit just right on the new muzzle, but we should expect to hear a much more reasonable Bryan Fischer over the airwaves sometime late next week.

Harlem Pastor Exposes Starbucks Sinister Sodomite Semen Scheme

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NEW YORK (CT&P) – Last Wednesday during his online radio show, Pastor James David Manning of the ATLAH Worldwide Calvary Missionary Outreach of Our Lady of the Impure Latte Church, exposed yet another fiendish conspiracy perpetrated on the American public by the dark forces attempting to turn us all gay.

This week the unhinged pastor has convinced himself that Starbucks is adding “sodomite semen” to lattes in order to control American’s sexual preferences.

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Pastor Manning is pictured here giving his weekly online address from the utility closet of a Harlem barber shop. The pastor has consistently refused treatment for a brain tumor in his prefrontal cortex that continues to grow at an alarming rate.

“My suspicion is that they’re getting this semen from sodomites,” said Pastor Manning. “That’s what my suspicion is. My suspicion is that semen, like cord blood, has millions and millions of little zygotes in it, and it flavors up the coffee. And it makes you think you’re having a good time drinking that cup of latte with the semen in it.”

He then claimed that the story was the reason he was criticized for calling the company “ground zero for Ebola,” calling their clientele “generally upscaled [sic] sodomites” who go there to “exchange a lot of body fluids.”

“Now I know why I don’t go to Starbucks,” Manning said. “But now I know why these other untoward types hang around that Starbucks. This investigation has not been closed as of yet.”

Indeed, the investigation is ongoing, and Pastor Manning has put some of his top woefully uneducated researchers in charge of the ongoing probe.

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Pastor Manning was a close confidant and friend of the Reverend Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church fame. Fred is seen here as he receives his third barbed-wire enema of the morning as he spends eternity in Hell.

“We postulate that the zygotes act on the nervous system and put you to sleep while a pod is formed nearby, and when you wake up, you’re a flaming fag with an insatiable thirst for lattes,” said Manning.

This is not the first conspiracy that the right reverend has uncovered. He was the first radio personality to reveal that aliens were urinating in McDonald’s soft drinks, and he also exposed the deadly plan by the Obama Administration to introduce Ebola to the nation’s food supply by contaminating Hardee’s breakfast biscuits.

Pastor Manning, also known as “that black kook from Harlem,” is scheduled to appear on the Bill O’Relly show next month as part of Fox’s ongoing coverage of the imaginary “War on Christmas.” He is expected to reveal the ringleaders of a nationwide conspiracy to ruin Christmas by contaminating the Strategic Eggnog Reserve (SER) with fecal material from atheists.

Poll Finds Old Wet Hens Are Optimistic About America’s Future

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WASHINGTON (CT&P) – A Pew Research poll released this morning indicates that old wet hens are more optimistic about America’s future than 90% of politicians currently running for office.

The poll was taken on October 18 immediately after an intense thunderstorm and represents the feelings of over a dozen elderly free-range hens in the backwoods of North Carolina. The poll results were then compared to a similar poll taken on October 15th of politicians currently running for office.

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Zebrus Maximus, seen here with three of the hens polled, told researchers that “Hell, I thought living with 12 women in the same coop was tough. I think I’d have to drown myself in the watering trough if I had to be around politicians all the time.” Zebrus does morning drive-time traffic for WCOK in Murphy.

The data clearly shows that 9 out of 10 wet hens are either “very” or “somewhat” optimistic about America’s future over the next two decades, with the remaining 10% of hens being “cautiously” optimistic.

By comparison, 80% of the politicians who were polled felt that the fabric of American society is sure to “torn asunder” or “ripped apart” over the next 10-20 years, with the result being a “dystopian hellscape” similar to what now exists in the state of Florida. The remaining 20% of pols predict a slower, more gradual descent into chaos that over the next fifty years will reduce western civilization to roving bands of survivors eating out of date dog food.

Both major parties were pessimistic about America’s chances to survive, but in general Republicans predict a more rapid demise than their counterparts on the other side of the aisle.

Reasons given for the imminent collapse of the United States include Ebola, ISIS, gay marriage, and Obamacare for the Republicans, and climate change, genetically modified organisms, voter ID laws, and wheat gluten for the Democrats.

“I personally cannot see how most Americans can stand to watch these idiot politicians on television,” said Andrew Kohut, founding director of the Pew Research Center. “The only thing that keeps those hens sane and happy is the fact that they don’t have cable. I threw away my television years ago and advise everyone else in America to do the same.”

 

 

 

 

Dr. Phil Robertson And His Team Of Cretins Achieve Medical Research Breakthrough

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Duck Dynasty Season 3

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Medical researcher and well-known intellectual Dr. Phil Robertson announced an earth-shattering breakthrough made by his research team regarding the root causes of just about every disease that has plagued mankind since we were created a mere 6,000 years ago.

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Dr Robertson spoke with Perkins from his research facility located in a fetid swamp in Louisiana. It was formerly a hideout for Nazi physicians fleeing Europe in route to South America after WWII

The Duck Dynasty star thinks AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases are God’s punishment for immoral behavior such as ones that aren’t “one man one woman,” he said in a recent interview.

While promoting his new book unPHILtered: The Way I See It, Robertson spoke at length about what he called the “physiological downside to immorality” in an interview with Family Research Council president Tony Perkins’ radio program Washington Watch last week.

Robertson spoke to Perkins from his research facility located in a broken-down wooden shack located in the rapidly sinking fetid swamps of southern Louisiana.

“I mean, a great question to ask is ‘Why is it that all of these just—is this coincidental that viewing all of the immoral conduct that America now is participating in, I’ve asked a lot of people, Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of these debilitating — and literally, it can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?” Robertson said.

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No stranger to controversy, Robertson has come under fire for some of his idiotic statements made during radio interviews in the past

“God says, ‘One woman, one man,’ and everybody says, ‘Oh, that’s old hat, that’s that old Bible stuff’ and I’m thinking well, let’s see now. A clean guy, a disease-free guy, and a disease-free woman, they marry and they keep their sex between the two of ‘em, uh, they’re not gonna get chlamydia and gonorrhea and syphilis and AIDS. It’s, it’s safe.”

Robertson concluded that such diseases from such behaviors are punishment from God.

“Now to me either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow immoral conduct,” he said, “or it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leanin’ toward there’s a penalty toward it.”

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Robertson believes in a strict interpretation of Genesis, and thinks men once walked with the dinosaurs. He is a founding member of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in the backwoods of Kentucky

But Robertson did not stop there. He informed Perkins that just about every disease on earth was a punishment from God for some sort of sin or affront to the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, and apparently bloodthirsty and savage deity.

“Polio is God’s punishment for too many organized sporting events,” said Robertson. “Melanoma is his punishment for Louis Réard’s invention of the bikini, and strokes are the direct result of reading too many books other than the Bible, and getting too smart.”

Robertson also said that irritable bowel syndrome could be linked to watching ungodly shows on television, and one should stick strictly to Fox News or faith-based programming such as Duck Dynasty or the The 700 Club.

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Although Robertson remains wildly popular with the intellectually underpowered crowd, he is not without his critics

Robertson told Perkins that all of these diseases could be cured by prayer and living a godly life.

“Doctors, hospitals, and medical research are all just a waste of time,” said Robertson. “If one wants to lead a long, healthy life, all you have to do is pray and spend an inordinate amount of time and money on the church of your choice, as long as it is one that I approve of.”

“Obamacare is definitely the work of Satan,” said Robertson. “We’re just wasting a bunch of money on poor people who could lead happy and healthy lives as long as they just stick to a set of rules and regulations laid down thousands of years ago by people who knew the value of stoning fags to death in the village square.”

Robertson closed by giving some advice to young people trying to make that all important decision that we all make at some point in our lives, namely, “Am I attracted to men or women?”

“So, you read in the Bible, you say well let’s see, ‘Well, it’s one man, one woman,’” he said. “Any logical person would say, what the guy is sayin’ is, that’d be me, is that if you wanna be safe from a lot of debilitating diseases, that’s the route to go. And it agrees with what God says so it’s just one argument after another, Tony, but what can I say all you can do is just show ‘em that and say, ‘Man, we ought to think about this Jesus stuff.’”

GOP Congressman From North Carolina Advocates A Return To The Middle Ages “Because Everything Just Made More Sense Back Then”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P)—At a recent town hall in Charlotte’s suburbs, North Carolina House Republican Robert Pittenger compared the right to fire LGBT workers to the right to smoke cigarettes on private property.

After assuring ThinkProgress that he “respects everyone” and “loves people,” Pittenger said he believes companies should have the right to fire or refuse to hire someone because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

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Pittinger is an outspoken member of the “Know-Nothing” wing of the GOP, who believe that businesses are independent living entities whose civil rights should be respected over those of mere human beings

“You need to respect the autonomy of somebody running their business,” he said. “It’s like smoking bans. Do you ban smoking or do people have the right to private property? I think people have the right to private property. In public spaces, absolutely, we can have smoking bans. But we don’t want to micromanage people’s lives and businesses. If you have a business, do you want the government to come in and tell you you need to hire somebody? Why should government be there to impose on the freedoms we enjoy?”

Though North Carolina is one of 29 where bosses can still fire someone for being LGBT or merely perceived as such, Pittenger asserted: “I believe people are already protected.”

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Like many of his supporters on the Christian Right, Pittinger believes that gay and lesbian lives should be spared, but that they should be encouraged to change their sexual preference

The freshman congressman said that’s why he is opposed to passing the Employee Non-Discrimination Act, known as ENDA for short, which would make it illegal for companies and unions to hire, fire, promote, or compensate people differently based on sexual orientation or gender identity. The protections in the bill—which passed the Senate around a year ago—would not apply to religious organizations, members of the armed forces, or companies with fewer than 15 employees.

Pittenger is also a strong advocate of abolishing the child labor laws, which would allow children to be put to work as soon as they are able to walk.

“Who is the federal government to tell a businessman that he can’t use ‘little people’ to mine his coal, or work in his sweatshops?” queried Pittenger, who graduated from the Jay Gould College of Unfettered Capitalism with a major in Plantation Systems.

“The founding fathers were wise enough not to make a big stink over things like slavery and dangerous working conditions, so why should we?” said Pittenger, while nervously fiddling with his trademark bullwhip.

Labour Force Work Under Difficult Conditions To Complete Commonwealth Games

Pittenger warned his audience that until America “wised-up” and abolished the silly and restrictive child labor laws we would never be able to compete with the rest of the world

Pittenger—who is running unopposed—isn’t likely to have the chance to cast a yea or nay vote on the legislation anytime soon, as House Speaker John Boehner has said there is “no way” he will bring it to the floor for debate.

Earlier this year, President Obama signed an executive order extending employment protections to LGBT workers for all companies with federal government contracts. The new regulations will reach over one million LGBT workers across the country, but millions of people in North Carolina and across the country remain unprotected.

As many as 43 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people and 90 percent of transgender people have experienced some form of harassment or discrimination in the workplace, but what else would one expect in our “Christian” nation?

Deranged Chattanooga Minister Advocates Raising The Price Of A New Wife To 300 Foreskins

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Pastor Robby “The Cretin” Gallaty of Brainerd Baptist Church in Chattanooga, Tennesse dedicated his hour-long sermon on Sunday to explaining why Christians should feel free to discriminate against gays.

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Gallaty is still in mourning the passing of Pastor Fred “Beelzebub” Phelps, his hero and mentor, who is currently roasting in hell while being sodomized with a chain saw

Gallaty told his all white intellectually underpowered congregation that being gay is an offense to God.

“God said that the sins of the people [of Sodom and Gomorrah] had infected the very land in which they lived,” Gallaty said. “So what happens to the people who engage in this activity, this sexual immoral activity? Go to Leviticus 20, God gives us the punishment for engaging in these sins … ‘If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have both committed a detestable thing. They must be put to death. And their blood is on their own hands.”

Homosexuality, Gallaty claimed, is an “attack on the family and marriage, and we need to put an end to this madness once and for all by executing those caught indulging in sexual acts that I don’t approve of!”

This is not the first time Gallaty has lost his fucking mind while in the pulpit. The theme of last week’s sermon was the artificially low price paid for wives in America.

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Gallaty thinks that after remaining fixed for 2000 years the going price of a new bride should be raised to at least 300 foreskins

“The price of a new wife has been the same for over 2000 years!” screamed Gallaty to his incredulous flock. “Does anyone think that a hundred foreskins is a fair price to pay any proud papa? Why even David paid Saul twice the going rate. Please turn to 1 Samuel 18:27 in your Bible and read with me…”

“Wherefore David arose and went … and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”
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Many in Gallaty’s congregation starting having doubts about his sanity when he erected this monument on the church grounds in 2007

“Now I propose that we raise the price of a bride to at least 300 hundred foreskins in order to index for inflation, I think it will boost the economy and encourage men to take better care of their wives,” said Gallaty, as drool and mucous dripped from his face. “But I’m willing to be reasonable about all this,” continued Gallaty, “I think God would be OK with partially substituting atheist and liberal foreskins since Philistines are so damn hard to track down in this day and age.”

Many pundits believe that the cause of Gallaty’s psychological problems is a deep sexual insecurity combined with his strict interpretation of the Bible.
“Gallaty seems to think that everything in that book is true and all the weird rules in it have to be followed to the letter,” said Dr. John Bigboote of Yoyodyne Laboratories in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. “I mean who in their right mind thinks Noah built an ark and put two of every animal species in the damn thing? The whole fucking U.S. Navy couldn’t pull that off.”
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Many families are leaving Gallaty’s congregation and are flocking to nearby Viperpalian churches, which are considered more mainstream in Tennessee

Many in Gallaty’s congregation agree that he is mentally disturbed, or at the very least obsessed with male genitalia.

Three weeks ago five families withdrew from the church and joined a nearby snake handling church that offered a more reasonable interpretation of the Word of God.
Deacon Billy Bob McSneed, who led the mutiny, told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “We had just had enough of his weird shit. Week after week it’s scrotum this, penis that. There’s only so much genital talk that one can stand. Why, this spring the maniac preached a sermon from Deuteronomy where he said that God would not allow anyone into the Kingdom of Heaven with wounded or crushed testicles. Afterwords the freak wanted to inspect every male church member’s scrotum! We’ve had it!”
Attendance at Brainerd Baptist does not seem to be hurting however. For every family that leaves another comes to replace it. Dr. Bigboote attributed this phenomenon to a woeful lack of formal education in this country and particularly in eastern Tennessee. Bigboote remarked, “It’s just like P.T. Barnum said, ‘There’s a fool born every minute.'”

 

God Distances Himself From ‘Idiots’ On Alabama Public Service Commission

Posted in environment, humor, politics, religion by

monty-python-god

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – During a brief layover in Atlanta (God always flies Delta) Almighty God expressed his displeasure with recent statements coming out of the slightly unhinged and highly political Alabama Public Service Commission.

God told reporters gathered in the intergalactic concourse that “I wish to make my position crystal clear on this subject. I want nothing to do with those idiots, pay no attention to them whatsoever.”

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God told reporters that maybe the Alabama PSC should be trying a little harder to “clean up their act” and encourage the development of alternative energy sources considering coal mining’s track record and the threat it poses to the environment

God was referring to recent statements made by Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, president of the commission, and commissioner-elect Chip Beeker. Cavanaugh called on the people of the state to ask for God’s intervention against the Obama administration’s proposed reduction in carbon emissions that is expected to heavily impact coal-fired plants responsible for massive amounts of greenhouse gas emissions. Cavanaugh asked citizens to pray for the failure of the EPA crackdown on pollution.

“I hope all the citizens of Alabama will be in prayer that the right thing will be done,” she said.

Beeker also made comments about the regulations while invoking the name of God. He told reporters that coal was created in Alabama by God, and the federal government should not enact policy that runs counter to “God’s plan.”

“Who has the right to take what God’s given a state?” he said.

coalmine2This is not the first time the Alabama PSC has tried to recruit God for political purposes. Last year a Baptist minister spoke at a meeting of the commission. The minister was a friend of Cavanaugh’s of course.

The minister, John Jordan of East Memorial Baptist Church in Prattville, Ala., who is also a member of the Alabama Tea Party, began his prayer by polling those present to see who believed in God. Then he went on to pray for a number of things, including forgiveness from God for the sins of abortion and gay marriage.

“We’ve taken you [God] out of our schools and out of our prayers,” Jordan intoned. “We have murdered your children. We’ve said it’s okay to have same-sex marriage. We have sinned and we ask once again that you forgive us for our sins.”

coalmine3While at Hartsfield God told reporters that “There is a reason for the separation of church and state. Do they really need to be talking about this crap when they were elected to oversee utilities and make sure that the citizens of Alabama are not ripped off? What the hell are these twits thinking?”

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God told reporters that “If those religious zealots on the PSC don’t start doing their job instead of playing politics by bringing my name into it, they’ll get a taste of divine retribution courtesy of my left foot.”

God continued, “And another thing, coal is a fossil fuel formed when peat is altered physically and chemically. This process is called “coalification.” During coalification, peat undergoes several changes as a result of bacterial decay, compaction, heat, and time. In short, the coal in Alabama was formed by decaying plant matter over a period of millions of years. Every high school graduate should know this. I just didn’t get up one day and say ‘Wow, those folks in Alabama deserve some coal. I think I’ll bury some deep under ground for them to mine and burn so they can run their dishwashers.”

“What a bunch of dullards. I guess the citizens of Alabama are getting what they deserve. Who the hell elects a woman named ‘Twinkle’ anyway?”

God closed the presser by saying, “I appreciate you guys coming out here and having to go through all that idiotic TSA bullshit. I know what a pain in the ass it is. Now I’ve got to scoot. I have an audience scheduled with Pope Francis at eleven.”

 

 

New Evidence Suggests Standardized Testing Is Turning Our Kids Into Gay Nazis

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gayhitler

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – Is your son obsessed with annexing the Sudetenland while wearing a dress? Does your daughter want to dye her hair blonde and buy a Subaru Forester? Do your kids look longingly to the east every spring while mumbling something about lebensraum? If so, they could be the victims of standardized testing, according to Florida state representative Charles Van Zant.

In a recent video, Rep. Van Zant (R-Keystone Heights) warned of the danger posed by standardized testing in general and the Common Core testing regimen in particular. He told a group of Common Core detractors that tests from the American Institutes of Research or ‘AIR’ were designed to “turn our kids gay.” Mr. Van Zant, known as ‘Kooky’ to his colleagues in the Florida House of Representatives, told a gathered audience that the new Common Core tests have been designed specifically to “attract every one of your children to be as homosexual as they possibly can.”

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American Family Association radio host Bryan Fischer is a good friend and confidant of Rep. Van Zant

“These tests,” said Van Zant, “are the most monstrous conspiracy to be perpetrated on our kids since the communist plot to flouridate our water just after World War II. The American Institutes of Research, who designed these malevolent tests, pretend to be a legitimate educational testing company. In reality, AIR is a shadowy organization of homosexual Nazis that have been hiding in Brazil since their parents fled Germany in 1945.”

“With the help of my good friend Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, I have been able to uncover this plot and with the help of Almighty God and our friends on the Supreme Court we will stop these evil servants of Satan.”

Mr. Fischer, right-wing radio personality and Director of Issues Analysis for American Family, was one of the first intellectuals to link gay activism with the Nazi party. According to Fischer, the Nazi party was loaded with homosexuals. “Just as the homosexual stormtroopers for Hitler were to exterminate and eliminate the opposition and beat them into silence, that’s what homosexual activists want to do today,” Fischer said last year, in one of his many rants on the subject.

When questioned by reporters about how a standardized test could be used to “convert” kids into homosexuality and turn them into National Socialists, Rep. Van Zant cocked his head and appeared to be listening intently. Then he responded, “Norman says that the tests make our kids double-minded. The Bible says a lot about being double-minded,” Van Zant said. “These people who will now receive $220 million from the state of Florida, and unless this is stopped, the tests will promote double-mindedness in state education.”

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‘Spiny Norman,’ a giant invisible hedgehog, has been Rep Van Zant’s friend and adviser for many years

Later, the thoroughly confused journalists were informed by one of Van Zant’s handlers that “Spiny Norman” is actually an invisible giant hedgehog that accompanies Representative Van Zant everywhere he goes. ‘Norman’ offers analysis and political advice to Van Zant and has been doing so since he was a small child.

Mr. Van Zant’s next appearance will be at the Jacksonville Civic Center in June, where he will discuss the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Admission is free.

Biblical Scholar And Renowned Astronomer Pat Robertson Warns Armageddon Imminent…Again

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SANTA ROSA BEACH (CT&P) – On his ‘700 Club’ show earlier this week the Right Reverend Pat Robertson warned viewers that the earth could be destroyed as soon as “next week” and that everyone should “Get right and stay right with the Lord.”

Pat was reacting to the announcement on Tuesday by the B612 Foundation that large asteroid strikes are much more common than was once thought. The foundation, a group dedicated to preventing a strike by a planet-killing rock, revealed data that since 2001 at least 26 asteroids have caused explosions in the atmosphere as large as an atomic bomb.

Upon hearing this disturbing news, Pat immediately went into self promotion/Armageddon doomsayer mode. “I wrote a book, I wrote a book. It’s called ‘The End of the Age’ and it deals with an asteroid hitting the Earth,” Robertson said on his show. “I don’t see anything else that fulfills the prophetic words of Jesus Christ other than an asteroid strike. There isn’t anything that will cause the seas to roil, that will cause the skies to darken, the moon and the sun not to give their light, the nations terrified on Earth saying ‘what’s happening?'”

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Pat Robertson, here seen having a minor CVA while plugging one of his books, has long been a voice of doom and gloom on television and radio

Robertson concluded the segment by saying, “It could be next week, or it could be a 1,000 years from now, but nevertheless we want to be ready at whatever time the Lord says ‘I’m wrapping it up, it’s time to come home.'”

According to the unbalanced and downright creepy Reverend Robertson, this latest weapon in the Lord’s diverse and ever-growing arsenal will apparently be some kind of divine “doomsday rock” hurled by the angry deity directly at our unfortunate planet.

We at the Times wanted to dig deeper into the story so we contacted our source for all things divine, the Archangel Gabriel. Gabriel spoke via Skype to our ace reporter Bruce “The Coyote” Becker.

“That dude is out of his fucking mind as usual,” said a mildly agitated Gabriel. “He runs around yelling ‘God did this and God did that,’ and says ‘God is punishing the Haitians for voodoo’ and all this other crap. Hell, he’s predicted the end of the world so many times it makes your head spin around like Linda Blair’s.”

“Take it from me, and I should know, Pat Robertson would not know God’s wrath if it came up and bit him on the ass.”

Gabriel continued, “If the Old Man wanted to smite the earth, he’d do it the old-fashioned way. He’d just send me or Mike down to turn your cities into smoldering ruins and you talking monkeys into pillars of salt.”

“I don’t know where he gets all these ridiculous ideas, unless it’s some sort of hype to sell his books. If the dude really wants to prepare for the imminent destruction of earth and truly ‘get right with Jesus’ he better start taking Pope Francis’ advice and divest some of his billion-dollar empire to the poor and hungry instead of buying $500,00 thoroughbreds.”

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The Archangel Gabriel becomes agitated at the mere mention of Robertson’s name. Gabriel does not like false prophets and despises pansies.

“One thing that really irritates me about you guys in your sagging skin suits is that you will believe any bullshit that some cretin spouts on television or radio. If a group of eminent scientists tells you that there is an asteroid threat it seems logical to me that you should spend a few bucks on figuring out how to stop the damn things before you have a planetary barbecue on your hands. But no, instead you talking monkeys want to cower in some church to wail and gnash your teeth instead.”

“It’s disgusting and embarrassing. Don’t listen to some freak with a microphone, use the brains God gave you instead, you idiots!”

At that point “The Coyote” thanked Gabriel for his insight and ended the interview because the easily irritated Gabriel has been known to immolate innocent bystanders on a whim.

There is a silver lining to all this doom and gloom. Ed Lu, along with fellow ex-astronauts Tom Jones and Bill Anders, has been attempting to develop a better asteroid early warning system, the Sentinel Infrared Space Telescope. The telescope will work by scanning the sky in infrared, which will allow it to calculate the trajectory and velocity of asteroids. It is hoped in the future we will at least be able to detect every planet or city-killer that might be on a collision course with earth.

There is no word yet on whether or not Robertson will contribute to the cause of preventing a devastating asteroid strike. More than likely he’ll just purchase another potential Kentucky Derby winner instead while at the same time warning the faithful of God’s wrath over gay marriage.