Tag Archives: gay rights

Harlem Pastor Exposes Starbucks Sinister Sodomite Semen Scheme

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NEW YORK (CT&P) – Last Wednesday during his online radio show, Pastor James David Manning of the ATLAH Worldwide Calvary Missionary Outreach of Our Lady of the Impure Latte Church, exposed yet another fiendish conspiracy perpetrated on the American public by the dark forces attempting to turn us all gay.

This week the unhinged pastor has convinced himself that Starbucks is adding “sodomite semen” to lattes in order to control American’s sexual preferences.

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Pastor Manning is pictured here giving his weekly online address from the utility closet of a Harlem barber shop. The pastor has consistently refused treatment for a brain tumor in his prefrontal cortex that continues to grow at an alarming rate.

“My suspicion is that they’re getting this semen from sodomites,” said Pastor Manning. “That’s what my suspicion is. My suspicion is that semen, like cord blood, has millions and millions of little zygotes in it, and it flavors up the coffee. And it makes you think you’re having a good time drinking that cup of latte with the semen in it.”

He then claimed that the story was the reason he was criticized for calling the company “ground zero for Ebola,” calling their clientele “generally upscaled [sic] sodomites” who go there to “exchange a lot of body fluids.”

“Now I know why I don’t go to Starbucks,” Manning said. “But now I know why these other untoward types hang around that Starbucks. This investigation has not been closed as of yet.”

Indeed, the investigation is ongoing, and Pastor Manning has put some of his top woefully uneducated researchers in charge of the ongoing probe.

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Pastor Manning was a close confidant and friend of the Reverend Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church fame. Fred is seen here as he receives his third barbed-wire enema of the morning as he spends eternity in Hell.

“We postulate that the zygotes act on the nervous system and put you to sleep while a pod is formed nearby, and when you wake up, you’re a flaming fag with an insatiable thirst for lattes,” said Manning.

This is not the first conspiracy that the right reverend has uncovered. He was the first radio personality to reveal that aliens were urinating in McDonald’s soft drinks, and he also exposed the deadly plan by the Obama Administration to introduce Ebola to the nation’s food supply by contaminating Hardee’s breakfast biscuits.

Pastor Manning, also known as “that black kook from Harlem,” is scheduled to appear on the Bill O’Relly show next month as part of Fox’s ongoing coverage of the imaginary “War on Christmas.” He is expected to reveal the ringleaders of a nationwide conspiracy to ruin Christmas by contaminating the Strategic Eggnog Reserve (SER) with fecal material from atheists.

GOP Candidates Vow To Ban Early Voting If Elected

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Black-Vote

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Alarmed by the number of Democrats taking advantage of early voting across the country, a coalition of GOP politicians and candidates running for office in this year’s midterms have vowed to end early voting in future elections in the United States. The coalition, known as STOP (Suppress Those Other People from Voting) was formed because blacks and other minorities take advantage of early voting in disproportionate numbers.

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GOP leaders have long insisted that white heterosexual males with an annual income over $75,000 should be the only humans allowed to vote in the United States

Rick Scott, governor of Florida and ancient Aztec snake god, is chairman of the new coalition. He told Fox News that “We Republicans would much prefer that these people were unable to vote at all, but if we are going to let them express their views then by God they can vote on the same day us white folks do. I’ve tried my best to keep black folks and poor people out of the voting booth by signing draconian voter ID laws in the past, but it’s just not enough. We have to make a stand!”

Texas Governor Rick Perry agreed with Scott.

“I just don’t know what these Messicans and negras are thinking about,” said Perry. “You would think that they would get the message and behave themselves. Hell, we execute one every week down here!”

Perry was not finished, and took the concept of voter suppression one step further.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry told Fox News anchor and giant horse’s ass Bill O’Reilly that “If these blacks and Hispanics don’t start behavin’ and votin’ the right way, well then we just might have to shoot ’em.”

“We Texans in the GOP are concerned about the minority vote, but what really puts a burr under our saddle is the number of women who have abandoned the Republican Party,” said Perry.  “I just don’t understand it. We already showed ’em how much we love and respect ’em by taking away their reproductive rights. I guess if they can’t do what their husbands command like the Bible says, then we’ll just have to repeal the 19th Amendment and leave the voting to white males, as long as they are heterosexual of course.”

Although pleased with the archaic views held by the exclusively white male GOP leadership, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus expressed concern over the apparent revulsion that minorities and enlightened women feel when they consider the Republican Party.

“It’s a mystery to all of us here at the RNC. I mean, we’ve talked about it and all of us have provided jobs for minorities in the past,” said Priebus.”Every single party we’ve had has featured black waitstaff. We’ve had black maids, gay hair stylists, and Hispanic gardeners. You would think that they would be grateful. Furthermore, we Republicans have always supported a woman’s right to choose to do exactly what we white men want. I just don’t get it.”

 

 

 

 

Dr. Phil Robertson And His Team Of Cretins Achieve Medical Research Breakthrough

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Duck Dynasty Season 3

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Medical researcher and well-known intellectual Dr. Phil Robertson announced an earth-shattering breakthrough made by his research team regarding the root causes of just about every disease that has plagued mankind since we were created a mere 6,000 years ago.

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Dr Robertson spoke with Perkins from his research facility located in a fetid swamp in Louisiana. It was formerly a hideout for Nazi physicians fleeing Europe in route to South America after WWII

The Duck Dynasty star thinks AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases are God’s punishment for immoral behavior such as ones that aren’t “one man one woman,” he said in a recent interview.

While promoting his new book unPHILtered: The Way I See It, Robertson spoke at length about what he called the “physiological downside to immorality” in an interview with Family Research Council president Tony Perkins’ radio program Washington Watch last week.

Robertson spoke to Perkins from his research facility located in a broken-down wooden shack located in the rapidly sinking fetid swamps of southern Louisiana.

“I mean, a great question to ask is ‘Why is it that all of these just—is this coincidental that viewing all of the immoral conduct that America now is participating in, I’ve asked a lot of people, Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of these debilitating — and literally, it can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?” Robertson said.

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No stranger to controversy, Robertson has come under fire for some of his idiotic statements made during radio interviews in the past

“God says, ‘One woman, one man,’ and everybody says, ‘Oh, that’s old hat, that’s that old Bible stuff’ and I’m thinking well, let’s see now. A clean guy, a disease-free guy, and a disease-free woman, they marry and they keep their sex between the two of ‘em, uh, they’re not gonna get chlamydia and gonorrhea and syphilis and AIDS. It’s, it’s safe.”

Robertson concluded that such diseases from such behaviors are punishment from God.

“Now to me either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow immoral conduct,” he said, “or it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leanin’ toward there’s a penalty toward it.”

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Robertson believes in a strict interpretation of Genesis, and thinks men once walked with the dinosaurs. He is a founding member of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in the backwoods of Kentucky

But Robertson did not stop there. He informed Perkins that just about every disease on earth was a punishment from God for some sort of sin or affront to the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, and apparently bloodthirsty and savage deity.

“Polio is God’s punishment for too many organized sporting events,” said Robertson. “Melanoma is his punishment for Louis Réard’s invention of the bikini, and strokes are the direct result of reading too many books other than the Bible, and getting too smart.”

Robertson also said that irritable bowel syndrome could be linked to watching ungodly shows on television, and one should stick strictly to Fox News or faith-based programming such as Duck Dynasty or the The 700 Club.

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Although Robertson remains wildly popular with the intellectually underpowered crowd, he is not without his critics

Robertson told Perkins that all of these diseases could be cured by prayer and living a godly life.

“Doctors, hospitals, and medical research are all just a waste of time,” said Robertson. “If one wants to lead a long, healthy life, all you have to do is pray and spend an inordinate amount of time and money on the church of your choice, as long as it is one that I approve of.”

“Obamacare is definitely the work of Satan,” said Robertson. “We’re just wasting a bunch of money on poor people who could lead happy and healthy lives as long as they just stick to a set of rules and regulations laid down thousands of years ago by people who knew the value of stoning fags to death in the village square.”

Robertson closed by giving some advice to young people trying to make that all important decision that we all make at some point in our lives, namely, “Am I attracted to men or women?”

“So, you read in the Bible, you say well let’s see, ‘Well, it’s one man, one woman,’” he said. “Any logical person would say, what the guy is sayin’ is, that’d be me, is that if you wanna be safe from a lot of debilitating diseases, that’s the route to go. And it agrees with what God says so it’s just one argument after another, Tony, but what can I say all you can do is just show ‘em that and say, ‘Man, we ought to think about this Jesus stuff.’”

GOP Congressman From North Carolina Advocates A Return To The Middle Ages “Because Everything Just Made More Sense Back Then”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P)—At a recent town hall in Charlotte’s suburbs, North Carolina House Republican Robert Pittenger compared the right to fire LGBT workers to the right to smoke cigarettes on private property.

After assuring ThinkProgress that he “respects everyone” and “loves people,” Pittenger said he believes companies should have the right to fire or refuse to hire someone because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

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Pittinger is an outspoken member of the “Know-Nothing” wing of the GOP, who believe that businesses are independent living entities whose civil rights should be respected over those of mere human beings

“You need to respect the autonomy of somebody running their business,” he said. “It’s like smoking bans. Do you ban smoking or do people have the right to private property? I think people have the right to private property. In public spaces, absolutely, we can have smoking bans. But we don’t want to micromanage people’s lives and businesses. If you have a business, do you want the government to come in and tell you you need to hire somebody? Why should government be there to impose on the freedoms we enjoy?”

Though North Carolina is one of 29 where bosses can still fire someone for being LGBT or merely perceived as such, Pittenger asserted: “I believe people are already protected.”

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Like many of his supporters on the Christian Right, Pittinger believes that gay and lesbian lives should be spared, but that they should be encouraged to change their sexual preference

The freshman congressman said that’s why he is opposed to passing the Employee Non-Discrimination Act, known as ENDA for short, which would make it illegal for companies and unions to hire, fire, promote, or compensate people differently based on sexual orientation or gender identity. The protections in the bill—which passed the Senate around a year ago—would not apply to religious organizations, members of the armed forces, or companies with fewer than 15 employees.

Pittenger is also a strong advocate of abolishing the child labor laws, which would allow children to be put to work as soon as they are able to walk.

“Who is the federal government to tell a businessman that he can’t use ‘little people’ to mine his coal, or work in his sweatshops?” queried Pittenger, who graduated from the Jay Gould College of Unfettered Capitalism with a major in Plantation Systems.

“The founding fathers were wise enough not to make a big stink over things like slavery and dangerous working conditions, so why should we?” said Pittenger, while nervously fiddling with his trademark bullwhip.

Labour Force Work Under Difficult Conditions To Complete Commonwealth Games

Pittenger warned his audience that until America “wised-up” and abolished the silly and restrictive child labor laws we would never be able to compete with the rest of the world

Pittenger—who is running unopposed—isn’t likely to have the chance to cast a yea or nay vote on the legislation anytime soon, as House Speaker John Boehner has said there is “no way” he will bring it to the floor for debate.

Earlier this year, President Obama signed an executive order extending employment protections to LGBT workers for all companies with federal government contracts. The new regulations will reach over one million LGBT workers across the country, but millions of people in North Carolina and across the country remain unprotected.

As many as 43 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual people and 90 percent of transgender people have experienced some form of harassment or discrimination in the workplace, but what else would one expect in our “Christian” nation?

Deranged Chattanooga Minister Advocates Raising The Price Of A New Wife To 300 Foreskins

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CP&T) – Pastor Robby “The Cretin” Gallaty of Brainerd Baptist Church in Chattanooga, Tennesse dedicated his hour-long sermon on Sunday to explaining why Christians should feel free to discriminate against gays.

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Gallaty is still in mourning the passing of Pastor Fred “Beelzebub” Phelps, his hero and mentor, who is currently roasting in hell while being sodomized with a chain saw

Gallaty told his all white intellectually underpowered congregation that being gay is an offense to God.

“God said that the sins of the people [of Sodom and Gomorrah] had infected the very land in which they lived,” Gallaty said. “So what happens to the people who engage in this activity, this sexual immoral activity? Go to Leviticus 20, God gives us the punishment for engaging in these sins … ‘If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have both committed a detestable thing. They must be put to death. And their blood is on their own hands.”

Homosexuality, Gallaty claimed, is an “attack on the family and marriage, and we need to put an end to this madness once and for all by executing those caught indulging in sexual acts that I don’t approve of!”

This is not the first time Gallaty has lost his fucking mind while in the pulpit. The theme of last week’s sermon was the artificially low price paid for wives in America.

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Gallaty thinks that after remaining fixed for 2000 years the going price of a new bride should be raised to at least 300 foreskins

“The price of a new wife has been the same for over 2000 years!” screamed Gallaty to his incredulous flock. “Does anyone think that a hundred foreskins is a fair price to pay any proud papa? Why even David paid Saul twice the going rate. Please turn to 1 Samuel 18:27 in your Bible and read with me…”

“Wherefore David arose and went … and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.”
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Many in Gallaty’s congregation starting having doubts about his sanity when he erected this monument on the church grounds in 2007

“Now I propose that we raise the price of a bride to at least 300 hundred foreskins in order to index for inflation, I think it will boost the economy and encourage men to take better care of their wives,” said Gallaty, as drool and mucous dripped from his face. “But I’m willing to be reasonable about all this,” continued Gallaty, “I think God would be OK with partially substituting atheist and liberal foreskins since Philistines are so damn hard to track down in this day and age.”

Many pundits believe that the cause of Gallaty’s psychological problems is a deep sexual insecurity combined with his strict interpretation of the Bible.
“Gallaty seems to think that everything in that book is true and all the weird rules in it have to be followed to the letter,” said Dr. John Bigboote of Yoyodyne Laboratories in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey. “I mean who in their right mind thinks Noah built an ark and put two of every animal species in the damn thing? The whole fucking U.S. Navy couldn’t pull that off.”
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Many families are leaving Gallaty’s congregation and are flocking to nearby Viperpalian churches, which are considered more mainstream in Tennessee

Many in Gallaty’s congregation agree that he is mentally disturbed, or at the very least obsessed with male genitalia.

Three weeks ago five families withdrew from the church and joined a nearby snake handling church that offered a more reasonable interpretation of the Word of God.
Deacon Billy Bob McSneed, who led the mutiny, told Times-Picayune reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “We had just had enough of his weird shit. Week after week it’s scrotum this, penis that. There’s only so much genital talk that one can stand. Why, this spring the maniac preached a sermon from Deuteronomy where he said that God would not allow anyone into the Kingdom of Heaven with wounded or crushed testicles. Afterwords the freak wanted to inspect every male church member’s scrotum! We’ve had it!”
Attendance at Brainerd Baptist does not seem to be hurting however. For every family that leaves another comes to replace it. Dr. Bigboote attributed this phenomenon to a woeful lack of formal education in this country and particularly in eastern Tennessee. Bigboote remarked, “It’s just like P.T. Barnum said, ‘There’s a fool born every minute.'”

 

GOP Candidate Warns Of ‘Homosexual Reign Of Terror’

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) –  Gordon Klingenschmitt, a Republican nominee for the Colorado state house, sent out an e-mail alert over the weekend that stated that Rep. Jared Polis (D-CO) wanted to execute Christians, reported Right Wing Watch.

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The photogenic Klingenschmidt was featured on the cover of the children’s book “How To Recognize Pedophiles From A Distance”

The alert warned Coloradans and all U.S. citizens that Polis and his pals in the “international homosexual cabal” represented a “clear and present danger” to our representative republic and to Christians all over the globe.

“The openly homosexual Congressman Jared Polis (D-CO) introduced a revised bill to force Christian employers and business owners to hire and promote homosexuals with ZERO RELIGIOUS EXEMPTIONS for Christians who want to opt out.”

Heath Campbell who gave his children Nazi-inspired names including Adolf Hitler lost custody after a state appeals court ruled that a history of domestic violence puts the children at risk of abuse and neglect.

Klingenshmitt is the eldest son of Joseph and Magda Klingenschmitt of Munich, as seen here in this colorized photo from their wedding album

“Polis ‘wants sexual orientation and gender identity treated the same way as race, religion, sex, and national origin, when it comes to employment protections,’ claims the Advocate, under the headline ‘Polis trims ENDA’s religious exemption.’”

“The open persecution of Christians is underway. Democrats like Polis want to bankrupt Christians who refuse to worship and endorse his sodomy. Next he’ll join ISIS in beheading Christians, but not just in Syria, right here in America,” the email said.

Because he was unwilling to face journalists and actually answer embarrassing questions about the email, Klingenschmitt released a five-hour video that explained his theory concerning the worldwide gay conspiracy to execute anyone who does not approve of sodomy.

The video went into great detail about how a shadowy group of male stylists, interior designers, and producers of Broadway musicals got together after the faked lunar landings in the late 60’s and early 70’s and laid out a long-range strategy for world domination.

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In his spare time Klingenschmitt entertains children at birthday parties held in the crawlspace under his home

In the video Klingenschmitt explains that now that it is legal for openly gay individuals to hold office, phase one of the heinous conspiracy is complete.

“Phase two of the their nefarious plan calls for a ‘Reign of Terror’ on Christians that would make Robespierre’s efforts look like child’s play,” said Klingenschmitt. “It is only a matter of time before we see the faithful’s heads on pikes up and down main street America!”

The video did not explain how a nation in which 77% of the population considers itself Christian will be overwhelmed and terrorized by the less than 2% of the population that is openly gay, but Klingenschmitt said it would be similar to the atheists’ successful obliteration of the once popular Christmas holiday we all remember.

Republican and Democratic leaders in Colorado, along with anyone else who has an IQ over 55 denounced Klingenschmitt’s email and his video, which was distributed less than a week after Islamic State jihadists released a film that showed the beheading of kidnapped U.S. journalist James Foley.

 

New Evidence Suggests Standardized Testing Is Turning Our Kids Into Gay Nazis

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gayhitler

SOMEWHERE NEAR THE NORTH CAROLINA-TENNESSEE BORDER (CT&P) – Is your son obsessed with annexing the Sudetenland while wearing a dress? Does your daughter want to dye her hair blonde and buy a Subaru Forester? Do your kids look longingly to the east every spring while mumbling something about lebensraum? If so, they could be the victims of standardized testing, according to Florida state representative Charles Van Zant.

In a recent video, Rep. Van Zant (R-Keystone Heights) warned of the danger posed by standardized testing in general and the Common Core testing regimen in particular. He told a group of Common Core detractors that tests from the American Institutes of Research or ‘AIR’ were designed to “turn our kids gay.” Mr. Van Zant, known as ‘Kooky’ to his colleagues in the Florida House of Representatives, told a gathered audience that the new Common Core tests have been designed specifically to “attract every one of your children to be as homosexual as they possibly can.”

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American Family Association radio host Bryan Fischer is a good friend and confidant of Rep. Van Zant

“These tests,” said Van Zant, “are the most monstrous conspiracy to be perpetrated on our kids since the communist plot to flouridate our water just after World War II. The American Institutes of Research, who designed these malevolent tests, pretend to be a legitimate educational testing company. In reality, AIR is a shadowy organization of homosexual Nazis that have been hiding in Brazil since their parents fled Germany in 1945.”

“With the help of my good friend Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, I have been able to uncover this plot and with the help of Almighty God and our friends on the Supreme Court we will stop these evil servants of Satan.”

Mr. Fischer, right-wing radio personality and Director of Issues Analysis for American Family, was one of the first intellectuals to link gay activism with the Nazi party. According to Fischer, the Nazi party was loaded with homosexuals. “Just as the homosexual stormtroopers for Hitler were to exterminate and eliminate the opposition and beat them into silence, that’s what homosexual activists want to do today,” Fischer said last year, in one of his many rants on the subject.

When questioned by reporters about how a standardized test could be used to “convert” kids into homosexuality and turn them into National Socialists, Rep. Van Zant cocked his head and appeared to be listening intently. Then he responded, “Norman says that the tests make our kids double-minded. The Bible says a lot about being double-minded,” Van Zant said. “These people who will now receive $220 million from the state of Florida, and unless this is stopped, the tests will promote double-mindedness in state education.”

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‘Spiny Norman,’ a giant invisible hedgehog, has been Rep Van Zant’s friend and adviser for many years

Later, the thoroughly confused journalists were informed by one of Van Zant’s handlers that “Spiny Norman” is actually an invisible giant hedgehog that accompanies Representative Van Zant everywhere he goes. ‘Norman’ offers analysis and political advice to Van Zant and has been doing so since he was a small child.

Mr. Van Zant’s next appearance will be at the Jacksonville Civic Center in June, where he will discuss the worldwide communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. Admission is free.

Jesus And Satan Distance Themselves From Pat Robertson And Christian Right

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Pat

GENEVA-At a press conference held this morning in neutral Switzerland, the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace hastened to distance themselves from televangelist and right-wing kook Pat Robertson. Robertson’s unhinged tirade on his “700 Club” broadcast last week seems to have triggered the unprecedented joint press conference.

“We’re used to Pat foaming at the mouth and blaming every conceivable tragedy on us,” said Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar. “What made this time different was that Robertson managed to insult the leaders of both major religions as well as every sentient being in this galaxy with an IQ over 50.”

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Archangel Gabriel, one of Christ’s political advisors, suggested that Robertson may have suffered a stroke during the broadcast which could account for his irrational outburst

Robertson, winner of the coveted “Bigot of the Year Award” for 2013, went berserk on his show last Wednesday, ranting about Jesus having a part-time job in a bakery and recalling the “good old days” when gay people were stoned to death in the town square. Robertson informed his mainly elderly and infirm viewers that back in the “Golden Age” if “two men decided they wanted to cohabit together they would have been stoned to death.”

Robertson went on to rave, “So Jesus would not have baked them a wedding cake or nor would he have made them a bed to sleep in because they wouldn’t have been there.” Robertson went on to lament the current state of affairs in the United States where stoning is unfortunately against the law. “We don’t have that in this country so that’s the way it is.” Robertson wiped a tear from his eye before continuing; “homosexuality is a meaningless exercise because it doesn’t go anywhere.” At this point Phil Robertson (no biologic relation but a brother in hatred) of Duck Dynasty fame and a guest on the show, interjected: “Yeah Pat, that’s right! Besides, women have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

Robertson was not finished, however. He went on to insult Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, by stating “The Devil is trying to say, ‘I’m going to destroy your progeny any way I can. If you kill your babies, that’s fine. If you deny the chance of having babies (by being homosexual) then that’s fine too.'”

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Lucifer appeared in one of his less threatening guises in order to stress his cooperative nature

The leaders of the two major religious organizations in the known universe found Robertson’s tirade a little over the top and decided to hold the presser in order to make their positions clear.

A coin was flipped and Jesus won, so he went first.

“I just wanted to make it clear that all humans are equal in my eyes. Everyone is welcome regardless of race, creed, color, or sexual preference, and I’m really am tired of having to take so many antacids to fight off the nausea caused by ignorant and hateful statements made in my name. And another thing: I am a carpenter, not a freaking baker. I’d be lost in a bakery. I have absolutely no clue how to bake a wedding cake, for Heaven’s sake.”

Mephistopheles then approached the lectern to enthusiastic applause from the representatives of the press. He began: “Thanks guys! I just want to say that all this whining about not wanting folks to reproduce is a bunch of horse shit. I love kids and I really love the process that spawns them. Have you guys seen my new monument in  Oklahoma City? It’s one of the few child-friendly monuments in the United States. In fact, that “suffer the little children” line in the New Testament was originally mine. Matthew was always screwing up his quotes and attributions. The guy was a tax-collector for God’s sake, not a Jewish version of Homer.”

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The two charismatic leaders seemed happy to see each other in person and made time for a little male bonding

At this point Jesus interrupted and said, “OK, let’s stay on track here Lou. What both of us would like to make clear is that there is no room for intolerance in either the Divine or Satanic Parties. We don’t countenance bigotry or hatred in any of its myriad forms. Neither one of us could really give a damn what goes on in anyone’s bedroom. Marry who you want to. Just treat your partner with respect, that’s all we’re saying.”

“That’s right,” said the Devil. Prejudice and tribalism are downright counterproductive. We all have to live in this neck of the firmament, so why can’t we all just get along?”

The press conference ended with the two leaders shaking hands and promising a new era of bipartisanship between the parties.

Bowing To Pressure From The Christian Right, Disney Announces Construction of New “Nine Circles Of Hell” Theme Park

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dante

ORLANDO-Under extreme pressure from Tea Party officials and facing the threat of boycotts from right-wing Christian organizations, Disney has announced a total image makeover. As part of the change, officials have hired new producers and directors, a new spokesperson, and have plans for a massive new theme park dedicated solely to the beliefs of evangelical Christians. The new park is being designed to influence and convert young children who may be thinking about taking a different path in life. “We want to do our part to help youngsters decide to do what is right and reject the lies of science and reason,” said Disney’s new spokesperson Phil Robertson. “We really think we can be a positive influence on those five or six-year-old kids who are weighing the advantages of becoming  lifetime disciples of Satan as opposed to doing the right thing and choosing Jesus.”

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The always cheerful and uplifting serial killer of water fowl Phil Robertson will be Disney’s new spokesperson.

As part of the makeover, Disney will only produce low-grossing films and animated features of a religious nature that emphasize leading a life dedicated to faith and superstition while renouncing the evils of logical thought and enlightenment. Although this will diminish corporate profits and lead to a less educated generation of young adults, Disney executives feel that the stock prices of the company will be propped up by block purchases by godly corporations such as Hobby Lobby and Vatican Investments, Inc.

The changes in production and public relations form only two-thirds of the makeover triad. The centerpiece of the new Disney will feature a multi-billion dollar theme park known as “The Nine Circles of Hell.” The park will consist of a variety of educational attractions for the kiddies such as museums dedicated to refuting hundreds of years of scientific progress and societal evolution. Disney has hired Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Ky, as well as Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association, as consultants on the new project. Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN) has been hired as Disney’s new adviser on science and education.

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Children will be reminded of the consequences of sin by a series of cheerful signs posted along the route of the new “Descent Into Hell” ride.

“The new park will do its best to convince youngsters that all this talk of evolution, climate change, and the big bang is just mumbo jumbo,” said Robertson, as he spoke to reporters from his home in Fecal Shoals, Louisiana. “I mean, anyone with any sense knows that the earth is only about 6000 years old. All this crap about the ‘big bang’ is just liberal propaganda.” Robertson, who was dissembling and cleaning an AR-15 as he spoke, continued: “But what we really want to emphasize is the consequences of choosing a sinful lifestyle. We believe that the best way to keep kids from deciding to be homosexual perverts and servants of the Devil is to scare the ever-loving shit out of them. That’s why I’m so excited about the new ‘Descent Into Hell’ children’s ride we have planned. It should really make guys want to stick with having sex with women. I mean, everybody knows they have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

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The entrance to the new ride will feature a melancholy apocalyptic landscape in order to get the kids into a depressed and pessimistic mood before the descent.

According to engineers at Disney, the innovative “Descent Into Hell” ride will be educational as well as fun. Kids (as well as backsliding adults) will be fitted with stylish straight jackets hand-made by Luddites camped outside the park. Then the kids will be tied to saddles atop mechanical dinosaurs who will then descend through the mouth of a cave into the bowels of hell. The kids will be bombarded by a dark and melancholy musical score consisting of works by Wagner and Mahler in the upper levels and the continuous repetition of Barber’s Adagio for Strings as they approach the lower infernal regions.

The first level of the ride of course begins in Limbo, where the kids are taken on a tour of the U.S. Senate and House Chambers and treated to a seemingly never-ending cable newscast about the mysterious flight of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370. Then the robotic raptors lumber on down to the lower levels of the ride where more Lovecraftian horrors will await the already perplexed and despondent children. Disney engineers are particularly proud of level three, Gluttony, where androids manufactured in the likenesses of Rush Limbaugh, Chris Christie, and William Howard Taft charge out of a thick soupy fog and threaten to devour the kids alive. “It just about the scariest thing I have ever been a part of designing,” said Matt McClendon, a part-time programmer for Disney.

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A holographic version of the Roman poet Virgil will accompany each child on their journey through the fires of hell. Here Virgil can be seen with his buddies Dante and Captain Phlegyas as they enjoy a dinner cruise along the River Styx

Perhaps the most innovative feature in the entire new park is the totally interactive hologram of the Roman poet Virgil who will accompany the kids on their trip to Hades. The ghostly apparition of Virgil, fully equipped with artificial intelligence, we be able to explain thousands of different sins and their consequences to the children in over 100 different languages.  Virgil will be able to answer all the burning questions that are on the minds average American five-year-olds, such as “What happens if I spill my milk?” Or “What happens to me if I believe in evolution?”  Or “What happens if I miss the March 31st deadline for signing up for Obamacare?” Or most importantly, “What happens to my immortal soul if I am unable to overcome the constant pressure emanating from Democrats and the liberal media and decide to turn gay?”

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Phil Robertson, Disney’s new spokesperson, made it a condition of his employment that Virgil be programmed to drone on and on about how women had “more to offer down there” and how legalizing gay marriage would bring about the downfall of western civilization. More than one programmer was heard to utter “Methinks he doth protest too much.”

Disney plans to have grief counselors and psychologists specializing in the treatment of early childhood trauma standing by at the exit of the ride to try to stave off lawsuits from the parents of kids who may become mentally unhinged or permanently disabled by the experience. “We want to err on the side of caution when it comes to these young skulls full of mush,” said Dr. Joe Mengele Jr., a staff physician at Disney. “We know we can’t be perfect, but we want to limit the number of cases of PTSD to the bare minimum.”

As everyone knows Disney has the “Midas Touch” when it comes to new projects, and great things are predicted for the new park. Christian youth groups and Sunday school classes from all over the country have already booked reservations at the new park even before construction has begun. However, spokesman Phil Robertson was quick to emphasize that it was not all about the money. “We want to fight the influence of ‘Big Gay,’ ‘Big Mooslim,’ and ‘Big Lucifer’ wherever we see them taking root. This is about saving souls and raising a whole generation of kids who will not be exposed to the dangers of science, reason, and individual choice. It’s all a part of our nationwide campaign to ‘Just Say No To Satan.’ I’m confident that any child who visits the new park will be so befuddled and terrified by the experience that he or she will have no choice but to follow the right path and reject the evils that a more compassionate and tolerant society have forced upon us. The future looks bright at Disney.”

Jesus Forced To Retreat After Skirmish With Forces of “Big Gay” Outside Phoenix

Posted in humor, politics, religion, Uncategorized by
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Routed by a small but enlightened army of angry hair stylists and set designers, Jesus berated the Archangel Michael for “piss poor planning.” He is seen here retreating on his trusty rapturesaurus, “Clyde.”

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Bryan Fischer warns his vast nationwide audience of over 300 elderly white listeners of the dangers of offering equal rights to anyone who disagrees with his interpretation of the Bible

PHOENIX-The “forces of light,” led by Jesus Christ, suffered a humiliating setback yesterday outside Phoenix, Arizona when they were routed by “the forces of darkness,” led by the recently deceased Ian McKlellan. The sizable contingent of redneck religious zealots was sent scurrying back to the relative safety of the Arizona state senate chambers after a brief skirmish with a small but intelligent and highly motivated force of gay rights advocates.

Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, conservative radio talk show host, and imbecilic bigot, had predicted just such an outcome less than a week ago on his blockbuster hit show “Focal Point.” On Thursday March 6th, the Prophet Fischer had proclaimed that the future of America and the world would be determined by “whether the forces of light or darkness will prevail in the battle over special rights based on sexually deviant behavior.” Fischer went on to declare that “everywhere that ‘Big Gay’ gains ground, Christ is forced to retreat.”

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Fischer as he appears to anyone with an IQ over 55

Fischer, unsure of his own sexuality and long a champion of oppression and discrimination targeting gays, minorities, and the poor, went on to assert that the future of the entire planet hinges on beating back the forces of progress, societal enlightenment and equal treatment under the law. Fischer warned that “if the forces of sexual deviancy prevail…every part of our culture will be corrupted, it will be contaminated beyond repair and America…will plunge the world into an abyss of darkness and depravity.”

Although rarely correct about anything at all, Fischer seems to have hit the nine inch nail on the head this time. It seems that a poorly led and disorganized divine militia was no match for the masterfully led and motivated force it was up against outside Phoenix.

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General Ian McKellan based his battle plan on General Robert E. Lee’s masterpiece at Chancellorsville in 1863

General McKlellan, affectionately referred to as “Gandy” by his troops, based his plan of battle on Lee’s masterpiece, the battle of Chancellorsville. He used two divisions of hair stylists, servers, and set designers flown in on chartered flights from Atlanta and Los Angeles to pin down Christ’s superior numbers while he sent interior designers mounted on catering trucks on a flank march to his left. The route of the mobile force was obscured from view by one of Phoenix’s empty and overgrown neighborhoods abandoned after the housing collapse.

Unaware of the danger to their flank and rear,  Jesus and the Archangel Michael were busy leading futile charges against McKlellan’s well dug in troops. A special squad of combat engineers and part-time choreographers had designed an elaborate trench system that Jesus’ pickup-mounted rednecks simply could not penetrate.

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Jesus tried to rally his troops with the help of Corporal Ted Cruz and his rangers, known as the “Texas Gay Bashers”

The interior designers finally reached their jumping-off points near dusk. Letting out a blood-curdling, high-pitched, and rather effeminate version of the Rebel yell, they pounced on the right flank and rear of Jesus’ divine militia. The result was chaos, panic, and extreme sexual insecurity within the ranks of the redneck army. Despite mule-headed and senseless resistance on the part of a small group of hard-core Tea Party agitators led by Corporal Ted Cruz, the entire throng of Neanderthals was forced into a hasty, embarrassing retreat back inside the gates of Phoenix.

Down but not out, Jesus vowed to continue the battle at a later date. Sources tell us that the Archangel Michael will be replaced as second in command by the Archangel Gabriel (Christopher Walken) who is known for his bloodthirsty destruction of cities and ability to turn humans into pillars of iodized salt.

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A dejected Jesus returns to Phoenix aboard his backup ride, the messiahraptor “Armageddon’

The battle was reviewed ad nauseam on Fox News channel for 24 hours straight before the network got back to its normal cycle of continuous irrational pounding of Obamacare. On Special Report with Bret Baier, Charles Krauthammer criticized the leadership of the “forces of light” during the nightly segment “Panneau de Cretins.”

The lugubrious Krauthammer opined, “This is what happens when you have spineless, namby-pamby left-wing leadership. I mean, who is going to respect Jesus as a military leader after all that liberal “turn the other cheek” tripe in the New Testament? McKlellan is going to continue to run over him like Putin is doing to Obama in Crimea right now. We need to recruit someone with some grit and determination if we are going to win this all-battle against gay rights. I hear Mephistopheles is available. Maybe we can recruit him to run in 2016.”

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Bryan Fischer had a childlike hissy-fit and then descended into deep depression after the battle

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“Clyde,” Jesus’ trusty rapturesaurus, was captured during the battle and transported back to Atlanta where his captors intend to give him a complete makeover. “I think he would look just divine in purple feathers,” said Sid Marino, owner of Sid’s Chic Salon on Peachtree Street

Bryan Fischer is said to have had some sort of mental breakdown after the results of the battle were announced. He is said to be in deep depression and has retreated to a buried shipping container somewhere in Idaho. Foreseeing this possibility, his aides stocked the container with weapons, dehydrated beans, and survivalist pamphlets long ago.