Tag Archives: God

God Denies Having Had Any Contact With Scott Walker

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Supreme Being God (I-Palestine)

 

VATICAN CITY – (CT&P) – This morning on his daily talk show Jehovah and Friends on Vatican TV, God categorically denied having had any communications with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker for at least two decades.

“The last time I remember hearing from Scott was during exam week just before he dropped out of Marquette,” said God. “I really can’t remember what he was begging for at the time, as I was busy fielding thousands of requests concerning the basketball team, but I think it had something to do with a political science class.”

God’s remarks came after articles surfaced last week about Walker’s “close relationship with the Lord” and his propensity for letting right-wing audiences know that he carries on conversations with the Almighty on a regular basis.

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Governor Scott Walker (R-Wisconsin)

Governor Walker has never been shy about flashing his religious credentials, regularly telling audiences about the nondenominational evangelical church he attends, the Baptist preacher who raised him, and his belief that he only runs for office when “called” upon by God to do so.

His reliance on the role of the Lord in his political decision-making process goes back to his aborted college years, when in an interview published in the Marquette University yearbook, he said that “I really think there’s a reason why God put all these political thoughts in my head.”

After the governor made another reference to God “speaking to him” in a speech before bankers in January, Freedom From Religion Foundation member Edward Susterich made an open records request of his office for evidence of his communications with the Master of the Universe.

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God told Vatican TV viewers that he rarely gets involved in politics because, “No matter what I do, you talking monkeys always fuck it up.”

Susterich requested any transcripts or a copy of any communication Walker may have had with “God, the Lord, Christ, Jesus, or any other form of deity” while in office as governor of Wisconsin.

The Governor’s Office replied, officially, that it could find none, saying “pursuant to the Public Records Law, we are responding to let you know that this office does not have records responsive to your request.”

“There’s a damn good reason for that,” commented God. “It’s because I haven’t talked to the son of a bitch. He’s full of shit. Do you really think I’m gonna waste my time with an idiot who doesn’t even believe in evolution?”

“I’ve got a few more important things to do than help some numb nuts who talks to himself bust unions and attack higher education,” said God. “And I’ll tell you something else, I don’t put thoughts in people’s heads. That’s what I gave you that huge brain for, you twits.”

“If the moron wants to run for president then let him,” said the exasperated deity. “I just wish he would keep me out of it. Besides, I’ve always thought the dude was an asshole.”

 

 

 

 

 

God Condemns Judge Roy Moore To Burn In Hell

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PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN (CT&P) – God paused outside the Pearly Gates this morning long enough to tell reporters that he had decided to let Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore’s soul “burn in hell for all of eternity.”

“I usually reserve judgement on a soul until the human in question assumes room temperature,” said God, “but in Judge Moore’s case I wanted to set an example for all those other cretins down there on earth who think they know what the hell I’m thinking.”

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God advised the residents of Alabama to throw Moore off the court and into a mental institution before he has to take action they will regret.

Because of his recent decisions and orders to probate judges around the state concerning gay marriage, Judge Moore has once again made Alabama the laughingstock of the United States.

In an apparent effort to compound the damage to Alabama’s reputation, Moore appeared on CNN and told “New Day’ host Chris Cuomo that he doesn’t believe the U.S. Supreme Court has the right to “invent a definition of marriage,” that would lead to same-sex marriage being the law of the land because the rights Americans enjoy come from God.

“You are putting God before the laws of man. That’s not what we do in this country. That’s not how it works,” Cuomo countered.

When pressed by Cuomo over why he ordered probate judges in the state not to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Moore responded, “I had to do this…. “This is not about racial discrimination, it’s about sexual preference overcoming an institution which has existed in our state, in our United States for centuries and I think it’s wrong.”

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God also condemned Pike County Probate Judge Wes Allen to spend eternity in a fiery lake of burning sulphur. “That sniveling little pussy couldn’t find his ass with both hands,” said God. “He deserves to go to hell over his haircut alone. What an idiot.”

Cuomo responded by asking Moore if he had ever had a brain scan to determine if he had a tumor in his prefrontal cortex.

“Listen Chris, no one knows better than me what God wants and I’ll be damned if federal law is going to take precedence over my wisdom,” said Moore.

“This is just the kind of pompous asshole who deserves to be entertained by Lucifer until the stars burn out,” said God after a reporter told him about the interview.

“Article VI, paragraph 2 of the U.S. Constitution, commonly known as the Supremacy Clause, clearly establishes that the federal constitution, and federal law generally, takes precedence over state laws and constitutions,” said the Supreme Being.

“You idiots fought a bloody civil war over this very thing only 150 years ago. You would think that a state supreme court judge would know all this, but Moore is either a psychotic religious freak or a complete dumb ass.”

“Either way, the son of bitch is gonna burn,” chuckled God.

God Forsakes Russell Wilson, Backs Brady And Patriots In Super Bowl

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PHOENIX, ARIZONA (CT&P) – Ruler of the Universe and Supreme Being the Lord Our God abruptly abandoned Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks yesterday and instead backed the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl, leading them to a 28-24 victory over the reigning champions. The fickle deity explained that his decision to allow the Patriots to win was just “a spur of the moment thing,” like a destructive earthquake or a deadly tsunami.

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God arranged for Jermaine Kearse to make a “miracle catch” down close to the goal line so Seattle would think they had the game won, only to send in Satan to make the last play call and break their hearts. “The Scriptures are accurate,” said God. “I’m one cruel son of a bitch.”

“I just felt like letting the Patriots win,” said God. “Besides, all that groveling that went on after the NFC Championship game made me sick. I despise groveling. Wilson needs to get some sort of life and quit referring to me all the time. He has about as much knowledge of my will as he does algebra.”

God explained that he let Jermaine Kearse make a miracle catch that made the Seahawks think they had the game in the bag, only to summon Lucifer to make the final play call when the ball was only a few feet from the goal line.

“Sometimes I really enjoy toying with you know-it-all talking monkeys,” chuckled God.

The Seahawks botched their chance to become Super Bowl winners for the second year in a row when a throw was intercepted 36 inches from the end zone, but the team’s quarterback will not be brought down. Russell Wilson responded on Twitter to the many critics that have trashed the Seattle Seahawks’ last-minute decision not to rush the ball in the game-ending play as the “worst call in Super Bowl history.”

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God is well-known for inspiring optimism in wretched situations, only to put his foot down and crush any hope at the last possible moment.

“At 26 years old, I won’t allow 1 play or 1 moment define my career,” Wilson tweeted Monday morning. “I will keep evolving.”

God responded to Wilson’s tweet by saying, “That’s a damn weird response from someone who does not believe in evolution.”

Head Coach Pete Carroll gave a bizarre and downright stupid explanation for the play: “It’s not the right match-up for us to run the football, so on second down, we throw the ball, really to kind of waste that play. If we score, we do. If we don’t, then we’ll run it on third and fourth down. Really, with no second thoughts or hesitation in that at all.”

Carroll continued to speak in tongues for the rest of the interview, offering no rational explanation for his actions or those of his theologian-quarterback.

None of the Seahawks personnel seemed to be aware that God had intervened to crush their hopes and send them packing back to Seattle with their tails between their legs.

When asked by reporters after the game whether he still believed that “God is too good all the time,” as he said after the miracle win over the Packers, Wilson replied, “God is really great when we win, but when we lose he is a real bastard.”

 

 

God Receives High Praise For Planning And Execution Of NFC Championship Game

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Russell Wilson and other theologian-athletes on the victorious Seattle Seahawks football team gave God all the credit for their unlikely come-from-behind win against the Green Bay Packers on Sunday.

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Wilson is another in a long line of moronic athletes who thinks that God gives a shit who scores a touchdown and when

“God is too good all the time,” said a tearful Wilson after the game.

It seems that the outcome was never really in doubt because God planned the entire game, play-by-play, from start to finish. Football apparently has a very big part to play in the deity’s ultimate scheme for the universe.

“I had wanted us to go out and dominate Green Bay from the very start,” said Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll, “but when I saw God’s alternative plan for the game, I said well, that makes more sense.”

God’s plan was for Seattle to look like an anemic bunch of high school players for most of the game, and he had Seahawks quarterback Wilson throw four interceptions. All this was apparently part of his master plan to make Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers think they had the game won, so when Seattle came back, it would be that much more heartbreaking.

“God really hates the Green Bay Packers,” said Coach Carroll. “Everybody knows that. I think it has something to do with Wisconsin re-electing that idiot Scott Walker.”

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God’s son Jesus Christ gave up a promising football career at Nazareth Technical College in order to roam around Palestine preaching. Now he thinks wandering around the desert was a complete waste of time.

When asked in the locker room after the game why God would let Green Bay do so well only to crush their hopes at the last-minute, Wilson told reporters, “Don’t be a doubting Thomas, you guys! Everyone knows that God is a sadist. Just read the Old Testament. I mean, this is the same dude that drowned all those Egyptians in the Red Sea and ordered the genocide of all those tribes that fucked with the Israelites.”

“The game went the way it did because that was God setting it up, to make it so dramatic, so special, so rewarding,” said Wilson.

Jesus Christ, who was at the Vatican at the time chastising Pope Francis for his remarks regarding free speech, was asked by a reporter if his father really cared about football games.

“You know sometimes I wish I had come to earth as an elephant or a bottle-nosed dolphin,” said the Son of God. “At least that way I would have been a member of a sentient species. You talking monkeys really leave a lot to be desired in the intelligence department.”

 

Dr. Phil Robertson And His Team Of Cretins Achieve Medical Research Breakthrough

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Medical researcher and well-known intellectual Dr. Phil Robertson announced an earth-shattering breakthrough made by his research team regarding the root causes of just about every disease that has plagued mankind since we were created a mere 6,000 years ago.

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Dr Robertson spoke with Perkins from his research facility located in a fetid swamp in Louisiana. It was formerly a hideout for Nazi physicians fleeing Europe in route to South America after WWII

The Duck Dynasty star thinks AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases are God’s punishment for immoral behavior such as ones that aren’t “one man one woman,” he said in a recent interview.

While promoting his new book unPHILtered: The Way I See It, Robertson spoke at length about what he called the “physiological downside to immorality” in an interview with Family Research Council president Tony Perkins’ radio program Washington Watch last week.

Robertson spoke to Perkins from his research facility located in a broken-down wooden shack located in the rapidly sinking fetid swamps of southern Louisiana.

“I mean, a great question to ask is ‘Why is it that all of these just—is this coincidental that viewing all of the immoral conduct that America now is participating in, I’ve asked a lot of people, Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of these debilitating — and literally, it can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?” Robertson said.

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No stranger to controversy, Robertson has come under fire for some of his idiotic statements made during radio interviews in the past

“God says, ‘One woman, one man,’ and everybody says, ‘Oh, that’s old hat, that’s that old Bible stuff’ and I’m thinking well, let’s see now. A clean guy, a disease-free guy, and a disease-free woman, they marry and they keep their sex between the two of ‘em, uh, they’re not gonna get chlamydia and gonorrhea and syphilis and AIDS. It’s, it’s safe.”

Robertson concluded that such diseases from such behaviors are punishment from God.

“Now to me either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow immoral conduct,” he said, “or it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leanin’ toward there’s a penalty toward it.”

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Robertson believes in a strict interpretation of Genesis, and thinks men once walked with the dinosaurs. He is a founding member of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in the backwoods of Kentucky

But Robertson did not stop there. He informed Perkins that just about every disease on earth was a punishment from God for some sort of sin or affront to the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, and apparently bloodthirsty and savage deity.

“Polio is God’s punishment for too many organized sporting events,” said Robertson. “Melanoma is his punishment for Louis Réard’s invention of the bikini, and strokes are the direct result of reading too many books other than the Bible, and getting too smart.”

Robertson also said that irritable bowel syndrome could be linked to watching ungodly shows on television, and one should stick strictly to Fox News or faith-based programming such as Duck Dynasty or the The 700 Club.

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Although Robertson remains wildly popular with the intellectually underpowered crowd, he is not without his critics

Robertson told Perkins that all of these diseases could be cured by prayer and living a godly life.

“Doctors, hospitals, and medical research are all just a waste of time,” said Robertson. “If one wants to lead a long, healthy life, all you have to do is pray and spend an inordinate amount of time and money on the church of your choice, as long as it is one that I approve of.”

“Obamacare is definitely the work of Satan,” said Robertson. “We’re just wasting a bunch of money on poor people who could lead happy and healthy lives as long as they just stick to a set of rules and regulations laid down thousands of years ago by people who knew the value of stoning fags to death in the village square.”

Robertson closed by giving some advice to young people trying to make that all important decision that we all make at some point in our lives, namely, “Am I attracted to men or women?”

“So, you read in the Bible, you say well let’s see, ‘Well, it’s one man, one woman,’” he said. “Any logical person would say, what the guy is sayin’ is, that’d be me, is that if you wanna be safe from a lot of debilitating diseases, that’s the route to go. And it agrees with what God says so it’s just one argument after another, Tony, but what can I say all you can do is just show ‘em that and say, ‘Man, we ought to think about this Jesus stuff.’”

God Condemns Bryan Fischer To Spend Eternity In Hell

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – After a working lunch with Pope Francis this afternoon, God paused briefly outside the Vatican to tell reporters that as a result of Fischer’s recent string of insane and hateful comments, he would be condemned to spend eternity in the fiery depths of Hell.

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God told reporters that just because Fischer is sexually frustrated that gives him no right to spew hatred in His name.

“I have had it up to here with these charlatans making hateful and nauseating comments in my name,” said God. “I’m going to make an example of this dim witted freak for all the rest of you to see. I mean, look, I gave you a set of commandments to keep. Ten easy rules to follow so that you talking monkeys can all get along with each other. But no, you are too dumb to follow simple commands and insist on spewing hatred all over the airwaves while at the same time claiming to know what I am thinking. I’ve had it!”

God’s decision to immerse Fischer in the Lake of Fire until time ends came after a long series of idiotic and hate-filled comments came spewing forth from Fischer on his show aired by the American Family Association.

God handed the group of reporters a short list of Fischer’s sins while insisting he could fill an entire book with the despicable and heinous statements that the “moron” has spouted over the years.

In recent weeks on his radio program, Fischer has:

  • Declared it will be “the end of America” if Congress does not impeach President Obama
  • Denounced anyone who uses the word “racist,” then insisted that Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder “are racists.”
  • Sided with radical Islamists in Iraq in calling Obama a “devil worshiper.”
  • Suggested on Twitter that accepting homosexuality leads people to commit acts of necrophilia.
  • Said that LGBT people are inherently disqualified from holding public office.
  • Written an article in which he wonders if Robin Williams will go to heaven and insults Williams’s mother’s belief system (she was a Christian Scientist, Fischer says, and that is “a counterfeit form of religion that is neither Christian nor scientific”)
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God said that Fischer is not the first false prophet to be the Devil’s house guest, and surely won’t be the last.

God told reporters that Fischer should change the name of his program from “Focal Point” to “Feces Point” as it more accurately describes the filth coming out of this “pseudo Christian’s” mouth.

“Has this dude never heard of “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself?” asked God. “It is hard for me to imagine how I could have been any clearer.”

God closed the impromptu presser by warning others that the same fate awaits them if they don’t take Pope Francis’ advice and try to show love for all mankind, not just straight white people.

“One more thing before I go,” said God. “I’ve just straightened out Francis on this whole embryonic stem-cell research thing and I’m not going to repeat myself. Kevin McCullough, I’ve got my eye on you, one more dumb-ass comment about how the ALS Challenge kills unborn babies and you can expect to contract Ebola in the very near future, you brainless twit!”

As God was departing for the intergalactic terminal at Leonardo da Vinci International, a reporter asked what specific form of punishment awaited Fischer in Hell.

God responded, “I leave that kind of stuff up to Lucifer. He can be very creative. After all, that’s what I put him there for.”

 

God Distances Himself From ‘Idiots’ On Alabama Public Service Commission

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – During a brief layover in Atlanta (God always flies Delta) Almighty God expressed his displeasure with recent statements coming out of the slightly unhinged and highly political Alabama Public Service Commission.

God told reporters gathered in the intergalactic concourse that “I wish to make my position crystal clear on this subject. I want nothing to do with those idiots, pay no attention to them whatsoever.”

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God told reporters that maybe the Alabama PSC should be trying a little harder to “clean up their act” and encourage the development of alternative energy sources considering coal mining’s track record and the threat it poses to the environment

God was referring to recent statements made by Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, president of the commission, and commissioner-elect Chip Beeker. Cavanaugh called on the people of the state to ask for God’s intervention against the Obama administration’s proposed reduction in carbon emissions that is expected to heavily impact coal-fired plants responsible for massive amounts of greenhouse gas emissions. Cavanaugh asked citizens to pray for the failure of the EPA crackdown on pollution.

“I hope all the citizens of Alabama will be in prayer that the right thing will be done,” she said.

Beeker also made comments about the regulations while invoking the name of God. He told reporters that coal was created in Alabama by God, and the federal government should not enact policy that runs counter to “God’s plan.”

“Who has the right to take what God’s given a state?” he said.

coalmine2This is not the first time the Alabama PSC has tried to recruit God for political purposes. Last year a Baptist minister spoke at a meeting of the commission. The minister was a friend of Cavanaugh’s of course.

The minister, John Jordan of East Memorial Baptist Church in Prattville, Ala., who is also a member of the Alabama Tea Party, began his prayer by polling those present to see who believed in God. Then he went on to pray for a number of things, including forgiveness from God for the sins of abortion and gay marriage.

“We’ve taken you [God] out of our schools and out of our prayers,” Jordan intoned. “We have murdered your children. We’ve said it’s okay to have same-sex marriage. We have sinned and we ask once again that you forgive us for our sins.”

coalmine3While at Hartsfield God told reporters that “There is a reason for the separation of church and state. Do they really need to be talking about this crap when they were elected to oversee utilities and make sure that the citizens of Alabama are not ripped off? What the hell are these twits thinking?”

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God told reporters that “If those religious zealots on the PSC don’t start doing their job instead of playing politics by bringing my name into it, they’ll get a taste of divine retribution courtesy of my left foot.”

God continued, “And another thing, coal is a fossil fuel formed when peat is altered physically and chemically. This process is called “coalification.” During coalification, peat undergoes several changes as a result of bacterial decay, compaction, heat, and time. In short, the coal in Alabama was formed by decaying plant matter over a period of millions of years. Every high school graduate should know this. I just didn’t get up one day and say ‘Wow, those folks in Alabama deserve some coal. I think I’ll bury some deep under ground for them to mine and burn so they can run their dishwashers.”

“What a bunch of dullards. I guess the citizens of Alabama are getting what they deserve. Who the hell elects a woman named ‘Twinkle’ anyway?”

God closed the presser by saying, “I appreciate you guys coming out here and having to go through all that idiotic TSA bullshit. I know what a pain in the ass it is. Now I’ve got to scoot. I have an audience scheduled with Pope Francis at eleven.”

 

 

Satan Expands Snack Food Empire With Acquisition Of Honey Maid

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V.P. of Acquisitions Demon Jay Gould appeared on Fox to explain Beelzebub’s reasons for purchasing Honey Maid

THE RIVER STYX (CT&P) – Satan has just enlarged his already expansive snack food empire with the acquisition of Honey Maid Products, Inc., manufacturers of the premier line of graham cracker snacks in the world today. “We wanted to get more market share of the all important ‘untainted children’s souls demographic,” said Demon Jay Gould (1836-1892), V.P. of Acquisitions for Mephistopheles Holding, Inc. “We think we can better influence kids by dominating the elementary and pre-school lunchbox market. With any luck we can convince young kids to accept the gay lifestyle, marry outside their race, or maybe even become serial killers or mass murderers. Hell, we already dominate the Devil’s food cookie industry, so this purchase made perfect sense,” said Demon Gould.

The acquisition was apparently triggered by Honey Maid’s advertisement which tacitly approved of the gay lifestyle, and the unhinged reaction to it by right-wing religious groups. The commercial in question depicts “abominable and malevolent” gay and interracial couples as being normal and wholesome.

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Gould told Neil Cavuto that contrary to all the negative propaganda being spewed by the ADA, the Lord of the Underworld loves little kids and they love him

The American Family Association and the American Decency Association reacted with fear and loathing to Honey Maid’s radical position that everyone should be treated the same. A rambling and nearly incoherent statement about God, Satan, smores, and camping was posted on the ADA website and both groups vowed to boycott Honey Maid.

“When I think of graham crackers I think of the camping I may do this summer and the smores I may eat around the campfire,” said the statement. “Apparently Nabisco and I have a fondness for different things now…Nabisco wants to change definitions like family and wholesome.”

“Satan wants us to see sin as normal and not so bad,” said the group. “He delights in taking what God has made good and changes it, counterfeits it, and makes it something to please himself instead of the Creator. The fallen one desires men to see themselves as gods, answerable to no one but themselves.”

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Satan felt the time was right to expand his line of snack food items and re-brand them under the new name “Prince of Darkness Fine Foods”

“We at the American Decency Association believe that things should never change and society should be held in stasis, by force if necessary. If the American people do not have the good sense to behave the way we want, then by God they should be made to at the point of a gun.”

Although the statement on the American Decency Association’s website was apparently written by a mentally challenged sixth grader trying to impress his pastor, the reaction has been the topic of numerous columns on both conservative and liberal sites.

The “fallen one” was not available for immediate comment as he was attending a Republican Governor’s Association shindig hosted by  Sheldon Adelson in Las Vegas. However, Demon Gould appeared on the Neil Cavuto Show on Fox and flatly denied any desire to change definitions or make men into gods.

“I don’t know where these freaks come up with this shit Neil,” said Demon Gould. They blame everything on us. First it was the Asian tsunami, then the Haiti earthquake, and now they want to say that His Majesty actually wants to rewrite the dictionary? And what the fuck are they talking about with this ‘men into gods’ thing? There’s already one god too many in this miserable universe. What a bunch of kooks!”

 

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We were unable to contact the King of Hell personally because he was interviewing presidential hopefuls at the Republican Governor’s Association convention in Las Vegas

Demon Gould told Cavuto that “to tell you the truth, Honey Maid was not even on our radar screen until those nuts over at the ADA started ranting and raving about ‘gay friendly’ commercials. You would have thought Armageddon was around the corner. We were in a meeting considering options for consolidating our strangle hold on Disney and Starbucks when one of them aired, and the boss just said out of the blue, ‘Hey, what about those dudes over at Honey Maid? We haven’t made any inroads in the snack industry since Drake Foods came up with ‘Devil Dogs’ a few years back.'”

“The idea seemed like a sound one, and besides, you just don’t disagree with the Prince of Darkness. He’s run a successful business for one hell of a long time,” said Gould. “All we want to do is increase our market share, just like any other business, and the cooperation we have received from the Supreme Court lately is really going to help. It’s about time somebody realized that businesses have souls too!”

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Lucifer hopes to follow up on the success of Drake’s wildly popular children’s snack “Counterfeit Cupcakes” with Honey Maid’s new offering, “Satanic Smores”

Cavuto and Gould agreed that the proposed boycott of Honey Maid and Nabisco by religious zealots on the right will have about as much effect as a gnat on an elephant’s ass. “We won’t let these hateful groups have any effect on our plans for the acquisition of Honey Maid or any other business, for that matter,” said Gould. “We will just go on providing the high quality products that humans have become accustomed to receiving from our family of companies. It’s always been their choice as to where they place their trust.”